Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there. Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I can not ache. I don't deserve to have you. Oh my smile was taken long ago if I can change I hope I never know.
I was on the path towards light. The darkness that surrounds my heart. The bitterness that I had towards losing my mother, the bullying, and my other issues was feeling manageable to say the least. A little over a year ago I had an ankle surgery which rendered my basically "useless" for several weeks. I could not walk on my own and had to care for myself most of the day. I experienced a pain that I had let stew within my for years. This pain completely took over my body. I could not function. I could not imagine getting up in the morning. I didn't want to do anything I loved anymore. Most of all, I began to push people away. I felt increasingly more uncomfortable talking to me, because of my dark thoughts. Some people who knew me became concerned and were there and could see the signs of depression that were coming out. Others could not empathize with me. I reached out for help. I was in the lowest of places. I had not dealt with my pain for so long that it was coming full force. I just wanted to make sure that everyone else was okay.
I know where my low place was. I know how detrimental it was for me. I can't even imagine the pain my brother was experiencing. I lost my brother and it's been a very difficult loss for me. I feel so much pain for my father and sister. I'm so concerned about their well-being and what I can do in this experience. I want more than anything to be there to comfort them. I'm also feeling as though I almost feel connected to this in some way. Not that I caused anything, but just because of how I've felt in the past. I've been in a place where I thought life was not worth living. I became engulfed by a darkness that I believed would never pass. I will miss and pray for my older brother. I wish more than anything I could have talked to him. I think about how I wish I had spent more time with him and got to know the person he was more. Our love of music connected us and was something we could talk about. In his honor, I've been listening to some of his music but also music we both had a love for.
I just keep listening to a lostprophets song over and over again, called rooftops. I feel like going to the top of the tallest building and just screaming. While I continue to work towards remaining positive, it's difficult. I keep slipping back into the why me mentality. I'm not sure what more I want to say today, but I am praying for my family. I hope that this pain can get better in time for us. I love them all so much, and wish nothing more than their happiness.
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