Haunted

For much of my life I was haunted by pains that seemed so unbearable at times I didn't want to be here. While some of these thoughts plagued me for years, and some still do I have never had the courage to leave. I have experienced a tremendous amount of loss for my age, and I am and forever will be haunted by this notion. When I lost my mother, I thought that life could not get worse. I hoped, and to some extent, believed that I would not have to endure another loss in the near future. 4 years later I feel myself breaking down, the ground seems to be falling from beneath me, and I am dealing with the loss of my older brother.

When my mother got cancer, I vowed to make something positive out of it. I wanted to help people. My need to help people overtook me, and I became set on doing research to help people. More importantly, I realized that there weren't that many people at my age who had to deal with or see what I saw. When I did meet people who experienced the same loss I felt relieved, in a weird way. I wanted to do something to bring young adults together who lost a parent to a terminal illness. However, in the quest to help, I find myself neglecting me own feelings, desires, and needs. I realize now more than ever that people truly don't know what to say when faced with loss. Telling me to move on from my mother tells me I should not still be grieving her, which I am. Asking me how close or how I was related to my older brother is like saying well you weren't close so it shouldn't affect you.

Each holiday, birthday, celebration, and major life event I am haunted by the fact that my mother will never be able to attend. She will never see the woman I grew up to be. It took me a long time to accept this, and to this day I still struggle. I still feel angry that I don't get to have my mother while others do. I still am envious of those have their parents see their weddings, major life events, and see their children stabilize. The pain and grief I still live with the loss of my mother will never truly go away. As I told my Father, you don't ever move on, but rather you keep going. You need to keep going to honor and allow the memory of your loved one to stay alive. I had Brandon and my wedding in Galena to honor my mother, because that was a place she always dreamed of me getting married. While most people would say, "wouldn't this make you sad?" I didn't get sad. It felt good to be having an important and life changing experience in a place that my mother and I shared such a connection. It was like she was there, if not physically, in spirit.

When I visited my mothers grave this weekend, I told her I was sorry for not taking care of my brother, but that I was trying to help people. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but I did. More than I ever thought I could. I put my hands on her grave and it felt comforting, but also reminded me that she is not here. I can never give my mother a hug. I can never tell her how I truly feel. I will never see her again.

My brother's passing has reminded me and open up wounds I've worked towards repairing from my mothers death. Seeing my brother made me flashback to my mom. However, this was even more painful. My brother and I shared a love for music. He had his band play music to my lyrics because I always wanted to be in a band. I don't think he knew how meaningful that was to me. I was heavily bullied in high school. The music I listened to was my life and is what helped me cope with the pain. I always wished I could be in a band like him or my younger brother, but I knew it would never happen for me. That one song gave me so much joy. I've listened to it about a 100 times and just keep thinking about how that changed my life. It is a testimate to what kind of person my brother was. I knew eventually I would lose my parents. While I lost my mom way too soon, I never thought I'd lose a sibling, at least not so young. I never thought someone I loved would be in so much pain that they would take their own life.

I think this has affected me so much, because I've been in such a dark place that I didn't want to be here. Some of these blogs I'm sure alluded to my pain and suffering. I was bullied, cheated on, lost my childhood home, ran into financial issues, and been sick most of my life. My mom dying made everything else seem trivial and this makes life seem just way too short. We spend so much of our lives worrying about everything, working so hard, and at the end of the day what do we have to show for ourselves? Possessions? I worry everyday. I am so paranoid and so concerned about the future that I become too blind to see what's important in the moment. On the way home from Chicago, I'm fairly certain I may have had a mini stroke. Despite the loss of two important people and a scare of losing mobility of my body I still worry. I don't want to be consumed by pain and worry, but some days it's difficult to control. I think about my brother and what could have drove him to do what he did. I miss him and wish that I could hug him. I hadn't talked to him since Christmas, and the guilt that I feel is tremendous. Moving away from my family was one of the most difficult decisions I made in my life. Knowing that I missed out on so much of my brothers life and couldn't be there right away for my family pains me still.

I want to move forward and just want some of the stress and worry to go away. I'm not sure how I will get to that point. Some days I feel crazy and unable to do much of anything. I still do have many people in my life that I love, including my husband, dad, brother, sister, and nieces/nephew. I still can't get over that I could lose one of them. I think about it and I get depressed and worried. I just hope that I can find peace and that I can eventually get to where I want to be. I will always miss and be sad that I lost my mother and brother, but I will do my best to allow their memories to be a present part of my life.