Working Towards a Better You

As a reflect on the past four years I can safely assert that I have in fact neglected the most important
person in my life, myself. While my mom was sick with cancer, I had a new found appreciation for life. I realized that we are fragile, and much like a beautiful piece of art, we can shatter. Sometimes we can pick the pieces back up and recreate the piece into a beautiful mosaic. Other times, the glass is unable to be repaired. I chose to take the pieces that shattered from my mom's terminal cancer diagnosis and created a new, but beautiful picture. A picture of a life I always desired, but could never achieve. I went on for a Masters degree, finding enrichment through education. I worked out daily, which felt freeing when and helped to reduce life stressors. I was at a healthy weight, where I was feeling confident in my looks, abilities, and self. My health seemed to finally be back on the right path. I was dedicated to facilitating change both through my research and my commitment to my community. I recall putting on my reduce, reuse shirt and riding my bike to the blue line train. I got off the train, with spidey (my bike) by my side and celebrated earth day with hundreds of other people hoping to save the animals, environment, and our home (Earth). In that moment, at the Earth Day Celebration, I felt as though I had finally discovered who I was. Somewhere between that moment to the present I think I lost my way. As mentioned is previous blogs, I lost my path.

I'm not sure if the major loss of my older brother has caused me to reevaluate my life choices, but I certainly think it has sparked something within me. I realize the past 4 years I've been slowly digging my own grave. First, the stress that I have experienced in the past 4 years has been indescribable. There were moments I was wondering how I was still even able to exist. Rather than viewing education as a gift, I began to view it as a pressure. I constantly felt not good enough, and as though I was not worthy. I know it's not uncommon for people to have impostor syndrome, but I felt as though mine was getting the best of me. Second, my physical health began to deteriorate. I slowly gained all of my weight back and then some. I have been the heaviest I have been since high school, and am disappointed and enraged at myself. I made a promise when I lost over 100 pounds that I would never let myself get that big. Here I am 4 years later twice as heavy. I worked incredibly hard to take off the weight and can't believe I am back at square one. Third, I have put aside my own desires and passions to appease to others. I feel as though I am selfish when I do something for me. And at times, I really want to say "I JUST WANT A DAY ABOUT ME", but I continue to struggle with that. Additionally, I have allowed others to bully me and even make me feel bad. It is my assumption, that most people, don't truly want to hurt you. We can and often do say hurtful things that aren't indicative of how we feel. I can, and should, tell people when they say these things.

The past two days I've tried very hard to be a better me. To remember the maybe 2 years I was happy
in my life (aside from my childhood). I had a routine and I enjoyed my routine. I was productive, felt accomplished, and most importantly was proud of the person I was. I'm not proud of myself. I am not happy with what is going on in my life. Even though I haven't woken up at the time I want (I'm finding it completely impossible to wake up these days) I force myself to do what I had planned to do at that time. For example, the past two days I have biked 5 miles a day and swam for at least 30 minutes a day. Even though my body is sore I pressed through. I almost gave up halfway through my swim today, but then I saw a cardinal. The cardinal landed on the post by the pool. It was a beautiful, bright red. The cardinal began to sing one of the most incredible songs I have heard in nature. I continued to swim and it continued to sing. It felt as though the cardinal was singing to me and telling me to keep going. When the cardinal finally left, I paused for a moment and felt as though it was my brother, mom, or perhaps both. I believe in my heart, that it was a message to keep going. To keep fighting the darkness and to work towards my happiness. To be the person I consider "better". Today I am blogging. I want to continue to blog my emotions, feelings, and get back to my own personal writing. Writing brought me clarity and allowed me to cope with difficulties. And as a narrative scholar, I've come to learn that writing is cathartic.

I want to be a better person, and find my happiness again and not just for myself. I want to be happy and strong for my dad, who is going through something unimaginable. I want to be there for my sister and show her undeniable love. I want to be the best sister I can to my younger brother, who I know struggles daily. Most of all, I want to be happy for my husband so that he remembers why he married me. I also want to accomplish what I have set out to do from the start, to help people. I want to educate students and have them come to me and talk to me. I want to be the person that helps to guide them and makes them feel as though they can bring the skills they learn in the classroom into their lives. I want to continue to research cancer and illness, even though it hurts me and reopens wounds. Not because I want to be sad, but because I want others who have had to face what I have not to feel alone. Each year I want to do something for my mom and brother to show them that I am thinking of them.

Because Jay loved nature so much, I'm planning on doing something for him while in Arkansas.
Maybe going by the mountainside and saying a prayer for him. Maybe just having a fire and remembering him and telling stories. For my mom, I want to continue to light a candle. I also want to keep alive her love for life, desire to help others, and her fashion sense. In order to accomplish all of this I need to find my happy place. I need to do what makes me happy first so that I can be a better person for all of the people I love so much. I know I will get to where I need to be, I just need to believe in myself and have the confidence I once did. I have a paper accepted to NCA, I have the front end of my dissertation almost complete, and I have a tenure-track position with people I am greatly looking forward to working with. I can do this.

XOXO
Lex