Firstly, I very rarely blog much less write creatively or from my own inner workings of my mind these days. I find myself bombarded with an endless slew of responsibilities pulling me in nearly all directions. Finding time to just explore my creative side has proved to be a challenge throughout the years. There are moments I truly miss allowing my fingers to simply type my thoughts as quickly and accurately as possible. I felt as though I needed to write a blog just because I've gone through quite a bit the last few months and in this moment I experienced an "ah-ha" moment. A moment which presented complete clarity within my mind. I have not yet experienced something anything quite like it. Perhaps, since I am getting older, I'm learning and growing from experiences that in the past would have completely broken every fiber of my being.
As some of you may know, I lost my dear hedgehog Shaymin a day before my 30th birthday. I wanted a hedgehog most of my life and have always had an affinity for exotic animals. My heart was pained and plagued with the ever familiar "what ifs" that come after loss. I've experienced these what ifs with pets and people having had to deal with a tremendous amount of loss and grief despite my age. However, while I'm still learning to navigate my feelings tonight I had a deep and compelling feeling. I felt, for a moment, that I would be okay. That the world was not caving in around me and that moving forward the world and my life would be alright.
This moment came as I was grading and reflecting on my life. I realized how blessed I actually am
despite my loss. The losses I've dealt with have made me the person I am today. The person that has been gifted the ability to provide empathy in a world that seems cold. I have become somebody who is able to openly discuss my own issues with mental health, loss, and grief creating a safe space for others to shared their own difficult narratives. And while I long for my mothers advice and another hug, while I desire just a moment to talk to my brother again, and while I want more then anything to cuddle my little animals that I've lost I feel lucky for what the losses have taught. I also am eternally grateful for what I did have and what I still have.
First and foremost I met a man who does more for me then I really deserve. He has been my life partner for the majority of the most painful experiences of my life (minus all the awful relationships I was in before of course) and who I feel I can trust and depend on with anything that comes my way. Not many people find a love as deep as we have. So many friends and people we know seem as though they just sort of settled for one another. They don't have the oh so elusive spark that seems to ignite between those who are passionately in love. We genuinely just enjoy being together doing anything. We still have our date nights. Each day we wake up with hugs and love and we fall asleep in a similar manner. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I know that I am lucky. Not many get to experience such a deep connection to another person.
I am grateful for my family that are both still with us and who have passed. I know many families that are wonderful, but I have also been witness to those who are not as picture perfect. My family was not perfect, but they taught me lessons, supported me, and loved me through so much. My mother taught me kindness and to be selfless. I find myself enacting similar behaviors as she did just to let others know I care. Each time I do something like her I feel that I am still connected with her soul even though she is not here. I know that she taught me to be the person I am and to do nice things for others to just brighten their day. She understood me and loved me on a level that many children never get to experience. Even though I lost her young (22) I am blessed to have had that time with the most incredible mother on this planet. I also have a dad who has taught me to work hard, never let life knock you out of the game, and to dream. My mom brought us back to reality, but my dad always encouraged me to take risks and continue to dream. There are so many more dreams I want to pursue and the dreams I have I wouldn't have had the courage to without his guidance. He has always been my best friend. He has been the man I could just call and tell anything. I love him so much and even though my mom is gone he has tried to pick up some of those pieces that were broken with that loss. I also have 3 amazing siblings. Growing up I was the jealous kid. I wanted all the attention I couldn't understand sharing. However, I'm grateful I have my sister and brother and miss Jay terribly. They all have done different things to shape me into the person I am today. My sister has really stepped in and been a mother figure to me, but also a best friend. She encourages me to be a better version of myself. My brother has been my best friend since day well whatever 2 years is. He and I have an unbreakable bond. I know that he always will have my back no matter what. When nobody wanted to be my friend and I was bullied he was right by my side including me in all his plans. He didn't mind his uncool older sister hanging out with him. He truly saved my life, he cared about my dark issues, and he made me feel loved when I felt ugly and worthless. He will never know what that meant to me and still does. Finally, my older brother and I shared a love of rock and he made me a tape with his band because he knew I wanted to be in a band, but again uncool and nobody wanted to be in a band with me. He fulfilled a dream I was never able to accomplish and brought me immeasurable joy. All of these individuals have come to visit me nearly every year I've been gone from Chicago (7 years now) and have always put an effort into me.
I've realized you need to put effort into people who put effort into you. I'm starting to shake my life of the toxic people and live a life I want to live. I'm learning that it is okay to talk about problems when you need to. I am just so grateful to be alive, in overall good health considering my chronic stuff and disability, and for what I do have. We so often focus on the negative that we almost forget the positives in our lives. We forget the good memories, the better days, and what we still do have. I suppose this was prompted from my experience of grief this time around. I didn't have Shaymin for long, but I did have. He brought me so much joy. He made me a hog mom. He connected me with a community of people who are just as "weird" as my dad would say as me. He fulfilled a small dream and added a positive part of my heart. I wouldn't be the same person without him, my mom, my dad, my husband, my siblings, my other pets, my friends, or any of the other amazing people I've had the opportunity to meet through my career, life, and experiences. Hug your loved ones, be kind, provide empathy, and remember tomorrow is not promised. Appreciate what you have today, because you may not have it tomorrow <3 .="" nbsp="" p="">
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