Coping with Loss

DISCLAIMER TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains information about depression and suicide that may trigger those with mental health conditions. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.

I am writing this blog as to not burden all those on my Facebook page with my ramblings. This blog also contains sensitive information that I rarely like to discuss so please if you will pass judgement on me based on what I have to say discontinue reading. It's difficult to see any optimism when life seems to beat you down so much. When so much of what you love and cherish is ripped from you in a moments notice. I am aware we all deal with a significant loss in our lives at some point, but no loss is the same. Any moment I mention my pain it always seems redirected, and I am left feeling forgotten. My pain almost doesn't seem tangible. I have always been the one to comfort. When I comfort I feel good, but I also desire to be comforted.

If anyone knows me they know I've been a fan of Linkin Park for nearly 20 years. There was only 10 years of my life without Linkin Park in it. They helped me through times when I didn't think I'd make it through life, when I was bullied, called fat, whale, pushed into lockers, brought into chat rooms to be harassed. There were days starting in middle school I didn't want to go. I stopped wearing my favorite color, purple, for years because someone asked me if I was wearing purple because I was round like a grape. I became self destructive at an early age. I suffered from an mental disorder (I do not wish to share about because I am ashamed) that dealt with self image for all of high school and undergrad. I engaged in other self destructive behavior. I was crying for help and nobody answered. Nobody understood. Everyone thought my life was perfect and I didn't have a right to feel the pain that I felt. My only saving grace during that stage of my life was Linkin Park. I could feel the emotion in their music, I felt like they were the only ones in the world to understand my pain. On days I felt like I was living in complete hell I would scream the lyrics to crawling at the top of my lungs. It made me feel free. It made me feel less numb.

On top of being bullied I dated abusive men, because I was convinced I had no self worth. That I was an idiot, ugly, undesirable, disgusting, etc. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something, but as my boyfriends said,  I was just as worthless as I thought and I began to believe that. I constantly tried to be better to prove that I wasn't worthless. To prove that I could do great things. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried it was never enough. It got to the point where I expected to be cheated on because of how horrible I was. I remember finding out that one of my boyfriends cheated on me and he was staying at my house. He said he'd leave, but I said it was late and he could stay. I went to the family room with my headphones, blasted Linkin Park, and cried all night. My body, my mind, everything was in physical pain. That night I wrote and listened to Linkin Park to get me through. I listened, I wrote, so that I would not be self destructive.

People think if you self harm, have an eating disorder, are depressed, or have another mental condition that you did it yourself. I can't tell you how many people told me that I was the source of my problem. That I should just be "happy" and that I was "lucky" to have the life I had. Reading some of the comments upon the death of Chester Bennington I see the same sort of dismissive behavior "He had it all", "If he died then I'm screwed", "Coward", "Selfish". There are a lot of great supportive comments, but it's those dismissive comments that are the problem and why so many silence themselves when they are feeling so low. The "it could always be worse" guilt trip. The "your life isn't half bad". Or perhaps one of the worst is the "Well this happened to me, and I have it worse" comments. No two people cope with or deal with pain the same way. I volunteered hundreds of hours to a free help site in high school and college. I mentored young men and women struggling with sexual abuse, physical abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. I can tell you from talking to all those individuals not a single one of them had the same experience. Yes, there were patterns, but many dealt with it in some unique way. To try and compare your experience to everyone else's is so flawed beyond belief. I can't tell you how many times I've said my mom or brother died and someone went right into their own experience. I was 22 when I lost my mom. You were 45. Yes the pain is still bad, but there is no way our experience is the same with that big of an age gap. Even if there wasn't a huge age gap, the experience was still unique. I understand trying to relate, but maybe if we just listened instead of trying to relate it would make more of a difference. It's what I try to do if someone comes to me. Just listen. Because so many of us fail to do so.

Everyday is a new day for me with my own experiences of depression. As a professional, I don't feel like I can talk about half the stuff I would hope to share in fear of being judged. I also view it as my responsibility to educate people about these issues that are so often not talked about. I often find myself torn between wanting to share my emotions, feelings, and experiences so that others feel less alone. However, I also silence myself and don't share a lot in fear of judgement. It's a painful dichotomy to be trapped in. So I find most days I fake a smile. I overextend and work myself to forget that I'm even really living. I figure if I am too busy to think, then I won't feel depression.

Chester's passing has triggered a pain I have pushed down further and further since my brother died. Just like my brothers death triggered a pain I pushed down with the loss of my mom. I push these feelings so far that I have periods where I'm not sure how to function. This band, the band that got me, the band that helped me through so much pain..... will never be the same if they even continue to make music. I am not this fanatical usually, but this is different. As I write this I listen to them and I am pained to know that the one group that made it better for me is dealing with this loss. Depression is no joke. Pain is no joke. So many people turn away in fear and are not sure how to respond to someone who is depressed. This is why we need more programs, more education, and more research on suicide. So that we can be better equipped to help people. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. 44,193 people die of suicide each year (2016). There is an average of 121 people who will die each day to suicide. And yet, suicide and depression is one of the few things I hear about. We rarely talk about it as an issue. Recently, more celebrities have been trying to spread awareness, but it is about more then that. It is about creating an open space where people can talk. Where people won't feel judged. Where people aren't concerned that saying "I'm depressed" or "feeling suicidal" will ruin their careers, personal relationships, and reputation. I certainly fear these issues just by writing this very vulnerable blog. However, if I can help someone in writing I will continue to.

To give you an idea of how my brain and emotions work while listening to a Linkin Park Song, I'm going to show you those feelings as I listen. One more light became my favorite song just before Chester took his life. Those feelings

Should have stayed, were the signs, I ignored.
What could I have done for those I've lost to suicide? I lost a girl I mentored for years online and I blamed myself to this day. If I would have said the right thing, maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have saved her. What about my brother? I had to have known there were signs. Why could I not do more?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore
I think of this every time I have had someone come to me with a problem or just to cry. I want to take away their pain if I can. I want to help them. When my mom died she was in a great deal of pain and I remember being in the room wishing that I could take her pain. The worst feeling in the world is to know someone is in emotional or physical pain and you can't do anything. Or you think you could have done more. 
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep
The world is full of such cruelty, judgement, and hateful people. Sometimes the best times in life are when you are just with those who you feel the closest to, who can't hurt you. 
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
The love, the relationships of those that have passed. We sometimes can't keep that love, but we can have it at some point. I will never meet anyone like my mom. People don't understand that love of a mother is gone for me. I will never have her back. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
There are millions of people in the world, so what does it matter if one person dies? I care when I hear about any death, those that touch me and those that don't. Those people all had something or effected someone in some way and now they are gone. 
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
This lyric really influenced me. It made me realize just how fragile we are. So many people just forget when someone dies. Or they think that you need to "get over" or "move on" from that death. You never move on when a loved one passes away, you learn to live with the pain. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take away your pain. It kills me that my husband, if I have kids: my kids, and so many others that have come into my life will NEVER meet my mother. They will know her stories, but never her. We are more then a moment to be forgotten. We are a legacy to leave on. 
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do
I care too much as a hyper empath. 

The reminders pull the floor from your feet
When I am reminded of my mom or my brother I feel as though I'm literally falling down an endless pit. These lyric touches me so much. My mom's birthday is 07/28 her death anniversary is 04/04. Same goes for the anniversaries/birthday for my brother. I do not want to do anything on those days, but cry and allow myself to feel the pain. They remind me of happy days, but also the most painful days of my life. July 20th will go down as one of the most painful days for me. Because now when I listen to Linkin Park all I can think about his death. The group that changed my life, was with me, understood me, is gone :(
In the kitchen one more chair than you need
There will always be 2 places gone; one for my mom and one for my brother. Christmas will never be the same. Holidays in general suck. Things change so much and you are expected to just carry on and deal with it. I'm tired of dealing with it.
Ohhhhhh and you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
This lyric.... changed.... me. This changed me before hearing the news of Chester, but now it means even more. I can't tell you how unfair I've felt that I lost my mom, my brother, and dealt with the pain of bullying and abuse. I always tried to be a good person. I have always wanted to help people and do things for people. Knowing that I had to deal with so much loss so early on and deal with bullying and pain just makes me feel angry and like I've been dealt a bad hand. But we have a right to feel that way. Few people will say "you deserve to feel that way" or "you should feel that way" or "it's okay to feel that way, you have a right to". It is so important to acknowledge and legitimize peoples feelings. 
Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
My mom suffered from depression too, but you could see what ailed her. She had cancer and was very apparently sick. People seem to assume that if you don't look sick or you seem fine, that you are. Mental illness is invisible. You can't see when someone is in pain. I feel that there are some that have depression that are able to hide it amazingly because they've learned how to over the years. Even those with disabilities you can't always see. For instance, I'm hearing impaired and many people don't know that because my hearing aids are small and for years I didn't wear hearing aids. That is why depression and mental illness are so lethal, it's because we often don't see it and so out of sight out of mind. Look for the warning signs. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do

I'm going to end this blog by saying that I can't thank Linkin Park enough for how they have personally touched my life. I am completely at a loss and heartbroken over this and I don't know that I will ever really be able to cope with this loss, just as I never will cope with the loss of my mom or brother. I will learn, as I always do, how to manage the pain enough to get me by and hopefully use this experience as a means of helping others. Please know that you don't have to suffer alone if you are reading this and need someone to talk to I will always be a listening ear.