Those who need it most are often left ignored

As someone who is constantly working toward understanding others, making sense of lived experiences, and getting a sense of peoples stories I have become exceptionally observant over time. I look for patterns in the most mundane of experiences, because they are there, and they speak volumes. Perhaps the most interesting and terrifying patterns I've observed is the reaction many have to those who are suffering from a mental illness or even a terminal disease. People begin to slowly disconnect themselves from those individuals. A person who once got "liked" on social media, or called on a regular basis suddenly becomes a ghost. And in my experience and observations, those who become these "ghosts" and are now ignored for their pain (whether that be physical or emotional) are often the ones who need the attention and comfort the most. Yet we stray away.

I have come to understand why this happens with terminal illness. When someone is terminally ill, many people begin to grieve before the loss. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. Additionally, hope begins to transition to something else. This leaves the person on the other end of a normal conversation left with nothing to say. I also feel that sometimes, witnessing death, makes us actualize our own mortality. Mortality is often not thought about, because lets face it, many of us fear death. However, in these last moments, the last memories, should we not try to make them special for the person dying? There are moments I recall my mother and my last memories together. Sometimes, I have trouble recalling them because I was working 2 jobs and going to graduate school. I was "too busy" to see what was right in front of me. My own mothers mortality. I remember that my mom began to give me a lot of advice in those last few weeks. To this day, I still cherish that advice. However, I pause and begin to wonder what advice I gave her? What conversations did I have to comfort her? It is hard to recall any. The one thing I do recall was that she was strong for us. She was more concerned with how we would survive after this loss. "What will the kids do?" "You have to make sure my kids are okay". It baffles me that someone who is in the last moments of their life cares not about themselves, but those "surviving". What could I have said to her though? I think about this often. How can I learn from my own experience and help those in their last moments together. I think most people feel some degree of guilt regardless of the situation, but when you have that opportunity to say goodbye, how can we? My mom was scared, she did need us. I witnessed so many ignorant people staring at her in a wheel chair. There were days I wanted to yell at those people.

Which brings me to my next point, more wanting to scream and yell. Mental illness is viewed so negatively in society. Reading comments or just seeing reactions of people following the death of someone who did so much for me emotionally over the years is just revolting. It makes me lose faith in people. I have said it once, and I'll say it a million more times. People who commit suicide are NOT cowards. Imagine, for a moment, that you had to take your own life, would it be easy? That is not an easy way out. Often, those who take their life, have dealt with years of emotional pain. The pain becomes so difficult that it consumes that person. Much like illness, people begin to avoid you if you have a mental illness or depressed. However, it is not because it forces us to face our mortality. If we are not depressed, or have not experienced similar pain, we just assume that mental illness can be "fixed". It becomes something that is not an illness at all, but rather self inflicted pain. Each person experiences pain differently. If you are happy, or even in your worst moment couldn't imagine taking your life, don't assume that everyone should feel the same as you. I am an open person about depression, because so few people are. I can guarantee few people will react to this blog just as few people react to posts I make about depression. We always like the "happy" (literally on social media and in our lives). We always want to talk about the "good moments of life". However, those happy moments are often overshadowed by the bad. We've been trained to almost push away any of the bad, but that is not realistic. The biggest issues with humanity today is the lack of empathy for others, selfishness, cruelty, and ignorance. So many people are entitled, thinking that they "know everything" when really, they know nothing. Their beliefs overpower their ability to think critically and as a result they attack. They belittle to get their point across. They call names to feel superior. It has become increasingly more difficult to have a civil conversation with people about many topics these days. I have said this once, I will say it hundreds of times.

Think about it for a moment, when was the last time you had a bad day? How many people did you feel comfortable talking about that bad day? If you did talk about that bad day, how many people offered advice on how you can "fix" that bad day? How many people just allowed you to explore your feelings? How many people told you I just want to be here to listen to you? How many people took more then a few moments to just hear you out? Who told you, I'm sorry that sucks and then just ignored you? In my opinion, we need to encourage people to share their emotions. We need to train people to provide empathetic responses. Instead of just saying "we care" we should actually enact it and show it. I've spent hours in my office just listening to anyone who needs to be listened to. Since the death of Chester, I have went online and offered a listening to shoulder, for anyone who feels they are alone or misunderstood about this loss. For years, I volunteered for a help desk and online forums to help those dealing with eating disorders, abuse, and self-harm. Why? Where most people would not want to deal with that, or have "better things to do" I thought about how alone those individuals most feel. I felt their pain. I wanted more then anything to try my best to alleviate their pain, even if only for a moment. I wanted to show them a basic premise, something so many of us forget to enact, kindness.

I encourage each of you to stop just paying attention to the "good stuff". Stop filtering out the bad. Take a moment in your day, if someone posts something sad, to say something kind. You never know how one simple comment can change someones day for the better. You don't know what 30 minutes to an hour of your time just listening to someone can do for their mental health. There is someone I helped for years I lost, and I think what I could have done more to help them. I mentored them online on the helpdesk. I was personally thanked by a family member of theirs for all my help and how I changed her life. I now recognize that sometimes we lose the battle with our mental illness, regardless of the help we receive. We are all busy, we all have our own struggles, but there are people out there who really need someone. Don't ignore the signs. Don't assume someone's pain can just be fixed. Educate yourself and think about your words and what they can do to someone.