For those that know me, they know that pain and grief aren't unfamiliar to me. In fact, in the last I'd say 10 years I've dealt with and tried to manage some of the worst experiences of my life. What I've learned as a result of suffering from tremendous grief and loss, is that people always feel theirs is worse. This is understandable, considering their own experiences are closest to them. Unfortunately, people are inherently selfish, and even I can be at times. Losing people I love is the worst pain I've experienced; however, the aftermath of loss is comparable. I've had people say unbelievable things to me that I never fathomed were possible. I had not experienced something so uncomfortable to talk about, nor had I encountered such evil in the world. For instance, I've had people say that I need to get over the losses I've had, deal with it, ask if I was close to the deceased, attack me for decisions I've made in my life, wish bad things upon me, and not be mindful before speaking. Regardless of how much you dislike someone, or don't care about someone these sorts of things are unacceptable. I would never wish harm upon someone. I try with my greatest will to not say insensitive statements to those in pain. If I don't know what to say, which happens, I don't say anything at all. It's not worth causing the other person unnecessary pain. I've been reading more and more from Buddhism to help me make sense of these difficult experiences. In doing so, I've learned that those who hold a grudge or ruminate on those painful words are the ones who truly lose. This is--in part--because the person who said the hurtful messages are most likely not still thinking about it, especially those that are self-centered. Thus, the quote demonstrates perfectly what occurs when you hold a grudge for an extensive period of time, you are hooked. You smile less, and become miserable over words.
I don't think that people realize grief doesn't end after a year. Not unless they've
personally experienced grief. Grief is an ongoing process through which you try to pull yourself back up. Sometimes this process is daily, sometimes it's weekly, or some that manage grief better only need a monthly pick me up. For me, when my mom died, this was a daily process. When people say "time heals pain/wounds" what they really mean is that you learn how to manage the pain a bit better. The pain doesn't heal and does not go away. It leaves a permanent scar. In special moments, when you wish the person could be present for you it reopens the wound a bit. When I was grieving I isolated myself quite a bit. 4 years after my moms death I finally began to get myself some help to deal with the grief, which I felt would cause me to be ridden with stigma. However, people were very supportive. The counselor I was seeing told me that I was allowed to have my feelings and express them. In addition, he said that the most important thing that you can do for yourself is to cut out the negative energy and people in your life. Regardless of a grudge someone holds or a disliking toward you, there is no reason to wish bad upon them or attempt to manipulate them in a negative way. I felt selfish at the thought of even doing this, but I learned that your own individual happiness should always be a priority. If you aren't happy, then you aren't really living. And as Morrie said in Tuesdays with Morrie, you only learn to live when you learn to die. I had many loved ones pass away in my life, but the last two losses I experienced were very close to me. I thought about the quote from Morrie and realized that if these losses taught me anything it is to live. To do what makes me happy and expel negative energy from my life. As I've learned to do this, and not guilt trip myself for what I classified as being "selfish" I've been much happier. Things still get to me, but I'm learning to better manage them.
Another important lesson I've learned about people is that many say insensitive things or attack you because they are miserable themselves. The quote seems to reign true that "misery loves company". It's sad that people would want pain for you, because they feel it. In addition, some people just don't understand how to provide comfort, and in doing so say things they don't realize are hurtful. As someone who cares deeply about providing comfort, I feel it's so important we learn the right things to say and figure out what someone needs. If someone is unable to be helped, or you don't know what to say either seek out help for them, or let them be. Chances are, by not saying something you have less of a chance of hurting them tremendously. We tend to remember the negative messages that people share with us, because it's easy to ruminate on the negative, rather then the positive.
Finally, what I've learned as a result of my research, my experiences, and my overall life journey
is that there will be positive and negative experiences in life. The best that you can do is embrace the positive and try to be mindful of the negative. Rather then lashing out at someone talk to them. Try to understand their perspective, and get out of your own head. If someone is negative toward you do what you need to remain happy. I know this is cliche, but we really only live one life. Life is so short to hang onto negative energy. The world needs more kindness and less hate. If that hasn't been evident, I don't know what will make people see that. Sometimes, people don't want your advice, they just want you to listen. My husband and my brother Nick have just listened to me recently, and the listening and not saying much was so much helpful then what many people try to say to me. Just being present, listening, not being self-centered, and caring is what true kindness is. I love what I do in my life, because I am present and listen. I want to help people. I want to make their lives better. And I wish nothing but goodness upon them. With a world ridden with loss, disease, pain, grief, mental illness, and disabilities we need all the kindness and goodness that we can get. Spread love, not hate. Enact kindness, not cruelty. Be mindful, not thoughtless.
It's been a while since I blogged, but I just felt a compelling urge to write. To express my feelings to a computer screen. I hope that you enjoyed my blog, and that this helped bring some joy, thought, or inspiration to you today. Know that I will be a listening ear should you need one, and that I'm thinking happy vibes for you.
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