2013

"There are a thousand excuses for failure, but never a good reason."-Mark Twain

I live by this motto in life. I truly believe that we just accept failure, but don't really have a reason why we failed. Why did (in my eyes) fail my therapy class. There are countless variables, but in the end I have no real reason. I could blame the instructor, the inability to grasp some of the concepts, or even blame myself for taking the class in the first place. There is no real reason, only excuses. This year is not about excuses, but coming up with a substantial reason why I don't achieve all that I want to this year. I feel that in order to grow as a person we must continue to set goals for ourselves. These goals should not hinder growth, but expand it. Last year, I feel I didn't grow substantially as a person. I have sacrificed a big piece of who I am and my goal this year is to retrieve those pieces and put them back together.

Who am I? This is a question that has lingered in my mind since I was young. I have yearned to figure out exactly who I am and where I want to be. These years have progressively shifted who I am, but I have always had a base I continue to go back to. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, and now fiance. That is my base and having those roles dictates some of the things I believe I must do to fulfill each of those roles. At times my roles conflict, which creates tension on the fiber of my being. I do know that I want to succeed and I want a partner who stands by my side throughout it all. My biggest goal is to have my voice heard. These years have made it challenging to express how I feel in situations. I have done well at expressing myself in 2012, but want to continue to learn knew ways to successfully express who I am.

I don't want to entirely dismiss 2012 as being a year of no growth. I learned quite a bit about myself, but also learned how to better cope with the loss of my mother. I traveled abroad to Israel, which was the most incredible 10 days of my life. I not only got to go to Disney World, but also got propose to at Epcot by my best friend. I have never met such an incredible person, who has the ability to keep me happy. We play video games together and have so many inside jokes. Brandon has helped me more than he could ever know. He has helped me grow this year, by helping me cope with the loss of my mother. He continues to provide me with support even when I'm being emotionally irrational. I always dreamed up someone who would be perfect with me, that I could be myself around. I have met that person and feel complete. Every time I see him I can't help but smile, and I still get butterflies when we kiss. Brandon also gives me the best advice and truly wants my happiness. I don't think that I could have gotten through all I have without him and now I never have to!  He came with me for Christmas this year, which meant the world. I got to share him and my family in one place. It was a dream come true.  I met new people and new opportunities presented to me, in which I am grateful for. 2012 will be hard to top as far as experiences, but as far as personal growth I feel 2013 will yield more of this. I look forward to the new year, and a new beginning. As always I have compiled a list of things I would be happy happened in 2013.

-Get my pre-prospectus done in the summer.
-Study for and pass my comprehensive exams.
-Go on more adventures
-Do some additional traveling.
-Get back to working out how I once did. (Hoping to lose 40 lbs)
-Be completely planned and set for the wedding in 2014.
-Re-organize the apartment
-Donate and sell more things I don't need.
-Do more baking.
-Learn new recipes
-Try to sign up for a class at the gym.
-Visit my family more often.
-Create a budget that works
-Eat fast food less.
-Say no to less opportunities.
-Make some friends here.
-Go swimming all summer long!
-Try new things that I have never done before.
-Waste less time.
-Get all my work done well before it's due (did that this past semester and it was so much easier!)
-Try to eat healthier.
-Go visit my mom at least twice.
-Think about situations, before getting angry about this.
-Talking more about what bothers me instead of verbally attacking.
-Listen to more music.
-Drink more tea and coffee.
-Spend more alone time contemplating.
-Be less down on myself.
-Try to reframe experiences to be more positive ones.
-Try exploring Nebraska more (even if it is by myself)
-Go fishing.
-Go camping.
-Volunteer if time permits for something I believe in.
-Get my school work organized and categorizing in a way that helps for future studying.
-Explore the inner depths of myself.
-Enjoy the fall more.

This list isn't something I can fail, but hopes for the future. I want to continue to create a happy and positive future, in which I continue to grow. I found my best friend and I get to continue to create a future with him, my family, and friends. 2012 was an amazing year and each experience has left me ending the year happy. I couldn't ask for better people in my life, who got me through the hell that was 2011. Love you all!

“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”

I'm just the same as I was.

Why don't you understand, that I'm never changing who I am. I don't ever want to let you down. I don't ever want to leave this town. Because after all this city never sleeps at night.

It's been quite a while since I allowed my fingers to write frivolously, expelling only words that I desire. My blogs have provided an outlet for me since I was 12 years old. My first experience blogging began on a website called xanga, transferred to live journal, and has had it's time on facebook and myspace. As I continue to grow I find it more challenging to sit down and write my inner thoughts. At times I feel as though my mind has con-caved in on itself. Who am I? What am I doing with my life?

After Israel, I felt I was certain on who I was. I had "re-found" myself so to speak. I was becoming what I once was. But what was I? I feel as though we never truly understand who we are. This is why an inner dialogue exists between ourselves. Much like Peters argues, I believe the reason we communicate because we don't understand one another. I catch myself talking to myself, intrapersonally inquiring about life. Who I am, where I am going, and where I came from. Do I really know who I was? Is there someone that was present to even be re-found?

It's been about a month since I last ran. It has been about 8 months since the last time I was officially "home" in the city that ceases to sleep. I got engaged. I stopped going on adventures to random places. I gained weight. I stopped singing half my day and writing my blogs. Who am I?

When I lived in Chicago I was a different person. I was a person I loved more, but couldn't appreciate it until I became someone else. When I moved here I kept up running and exercising, but kept telling myself I didn't have to eat healthy anymore. I began to lose motivation to do much of anything. I stopped caring so much about what I looked like, because I didn't feel pressure to be thin anymore. Was this a good thing? No. I still wish I looked the way I desired to. I still want to have the same desires, but the lack of pressure to "look good" from peers makes me unmotivated. I worked hard in Chicago and was determined to make something of myself. I still work hard, but I feel like breaks like this give me too much time to think. I'm not able to preoccupy my mind by throwing packages and editing excel files. Do I miss my life? Some aspects of it yes. Do I love some of my life now? Of course.

I feel like we go through different progressive stages where we figure out what was important to us. We miss those which we were proud of that let fall behind. We enjoy the new things life has brought to us. This isn't going to be an in depth blog. Just a short little confession. I miss Chicago. I miss my friends. I'm happily engaged, but at the same time I face never really having the life I once did. As much as I want to say that life was horrible and I wish to never be brought back to it, I do miss it. Not in a writing mood I suppose. Premature blog and publish.

Redirecting Negative Energy

To accomplish more, one must redirect their mental energy by continuously reminding themselves of all the things that they do right.

I believe that there is a dichotomy that exists between individuals pertaining to how to react to negative energy that comes into their lives. Negative energy can overtake some individuals and create an immense sense of guilt. Many times this sense of guilt is a sense fault of guilt that results because the person begins to believe that they've created the issue. This is not always the case and this guilt can linger what feels like forever. This represents my feelings when someone informs me that I've made an error or tells me something negative. I begin to believe that it is all my fault, it's changed their entire perception of me, and that I must do something to make up for what distraught I've cause. The other type doesn't take negative energy very seriously. They feel that they've been wronged in some way and these feelings leave them not wanting to do anything to make up for issues. It makes them want to not be around the situation. If you put these two very differing worldviews together it creates absolute chaos. One party longs to make up for her impotence, while the other just longs for that person to leave them alone. 

How do we fix these issues? I've come to decide that no matter what you've said or done you have to realize that it has been said or done. You can't do anything to take back any comments you make. You can sit and be like me feeling guilty and longing to make it up for someone. You can be the person who just wants to avoid contact, but both of these approaches will not fix any sorts of problems. They will only enhance the negative energy, giving it a place to fester and grow. This year I have decided to implement an experiment on my own being. That is, I intend to attempt to redirect any negative either towards myself or that I expel and try to remind myself of all that I do right. It's easy for me to blame myself, call myself terrible, and believe that I am the reason for a lot of things. I end up blaming myself for things I have not done wrong. 

What am I? I am a daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, friend, and loving mother to only a mere 9 birds. To truly understand what I do right and be able to remind myself of this while I experience negative energy I need to hone in on these positive experiences. The ones that leave me feeling as though I'm enacting life in the correct way. Thus I shall touch on some of these very happy moments of my life.

As a daughter I have striven to make both my mother and father proud of me. Some say that this attempt to make my parents proud is silly, as I should be making myself proud. It makes me proud to be able to call them my parents and have something to show for what wonderful parents they were. I don't believe that I could be where I am without their influence and thus I must show the world how incredible they are. My father's face when I've done something to make him proud leaves me feeling as though I have accomplished my goal as a daughter. To do things that prove he's done an incredible job as a father. My mother telling me my writing was wonderful left me inspired to continue to write. As she's passed I have questioned my abilities. I at times feel lost, but I have to remember the times she was proud of me and bragged about my accomplishments to keep me motivated. My father and I can fight at times and I believe this to be because we are so similar to one another. We also can sit and talk for hours about the meaning of life in a coffee shop, not wanting to be anywhere else but there in that moment. When we fight I need to hold onto those positive experiences instead of leaving feeling as though I am a failure of a daughter. 

As a sister I have always wanted to show my brother I cared and would always be there for him. Out of all the people I've fought with in life I'd say he is probably who I've fought with the most. We are siblings and it's almost a responsibility as a sibling to bicker at times. This dyad is in no way perfect, but we also offer support for one another. When mom and dad didn't allow us to do something we'd stand for each others rights. This is a unique experience that is much admired. It helped to have a brother who was so close in age, because we were experiencing the same type of life cycles during similar periods so we could better help stabilize one another. When we fight I must remember how many times he has gone out of his way to help support me. Having a sister is a very unique experience, especially one that is 10 years older than you. It's hard to build a relationship with someone who is in such a different stage of life than you. Now that I'm older I can truly appreciate the benefit of having a sister, especially one that is older. She acts as a second mother serving and protecting. It's also beneficial to ask her about her past experiences to better equip you for the future.

As an aunt I want to show my nieces love and enable them to feel as though they have a safe place to come to if they need someone. Life can be a challenge and it's beneficial to feel as though you have many different people you can run to whom you trust. I never really had a large family, and the one great aunt I felt I could run to ended up passing fairly early in my life. The absence was especially challenging for me and I hope that I can provide my nieces with that security and love. 

As a girlfriend I hope to become someones life partner. A person who can share many memories with someone and become an important part of their lives. Being a girlfriend now has been a huge reward, because I have someone who I share extremely happy memories. This is another dyad where fights can arise quite frequently. Finances bare a heavy weight on people and the stresses that come with life. We often transmit our stress in our closest relationships and at the moment this is my closest relationship. When fights happen here I often fear losing something of the utmost importance to me. I feel guilt and want to do everything I can to be considered the best girlfriend. What I have to remember is that I'm not always going to be the best, but that at my best I truly am the best. I try very hard to create a happy environment, and most of the time I am successful. I have to remember all the happy times, rather than focus on that moment and my self blaming.

As a friend I hope to be there to provide support, but also to be supported. This is a dyad that is created out of care and security. Nobody wants to be left alone during times of distress. Friendships are there for when you absolutely need someone to cry to. They are also there to share laughs and memories. I feel that I try, as best I can from a distance, to be the best friend possible. My friends are like family to me and if we do fight it's hard to stay away (much like family) there are just some people that will never leave your life. My friends belong in that group. I need to remember just how much they've done for me as I have for them.

As a crazy bird mother.... Well let's just say the though the chirping at times makes me want to suckerpunch them I absolutely love them. I provide them with warmth and love best I can. 

Life is not easy. It's meant to twist you and leave you hanging out to dry. We aren't always going to have the most positive experiences in life, but it's how we handle these experiences that hinder our abilities to move on. I'm never going to be perfect, or an expert on being a positive person. I know that I am emotional and with this there will be feelings of guilt and hurt. There will also be feelings of happiness, pride, and satisfaction. I have to stop self-blaming myself. I am a wonderful person who has worked extremely hard in life to be who I am today. I have had nothing but support by all of the above mentioned people who I serve a role to. I could not be where I am today without them, but I also need to not look for credit from them but myself. I'm tired of making myself feel second best, and as though I am incapable of creating happiness for others. I'm tired of blaming myself for every negative thing that occurs in life. Life is unpredictable. We are inherently flawed, and no one is more correct than the other. Sometimes it's about setting aside differences, and heated moments of negative energies to continue to grow into more positive ones. 

Thanks to all who have loved me through both the negative and positive. You truly are beautiful in every way. 

Lex

Giving Pain Purpose

The seconds, minutes, months, and years pass as I watch my life continue to fast forward. Patterns emerge as I begin to reflect back on what has occurred in my life. "Move forward", they tell me. Shifting identities, patterns, life cycles who am I? As I begin to progress in my program I am left with a number of questions that still exist in my mind. What am I doing to produce something that has purpose? Perhaps one of the fundamental reasons we attribute purpose to certain experiences is to re-frame our experience of our own internal pains. What inside is inside of us is a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode, but yet we can't. We keep rewiring the bomb to avoid the explosion of what might come. We do this through the use of purpose. If we have purpose and hope in our work, relationships, and lives then how can we ever feel terrible about anything? Or perhaps that's what we suppressing deep within.

Like many others I compare my own experience with others. If I'm unable to understand the experience then I begin to devalue that thought. How ever could someone find purpose in this? What I've found myself asking today is who's to question anyone's purpose? "My mother dying only happened because I was deemed capable enough by some higher power to help others go through this same trauma," I continue to repeat myself. Do I experience pain? Of course not. "My boyfriends cheating on me, leaving me, and hurting me is because I'm not thin enough. I will do something to lose weight so that no one will want to leave me again," I repeat as I watch the miles pass me by feeling my body growing faint with each connection to the pavement. Why must be attribute this purpose to pain we experience? Why can't we function separately from this and if we lack pain why can we still not have purpose in something?

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PAIN," I scream at those I love the most. Why can't you understand my pain? Why can't you be an amazing person like me and try to enable change and help? Why can't you help me see purpose in my attempts to reduce my own pain? Am I serving my purpose? If my true purpose was to help people then why am I harming those closet to me? Is what I say my purpose actually a true purpose or am I creating purpose to feel less miserable?

Last year I was introduced to my best friend. We met in what my parents would consider an unconventional way. For those of you who don't understand what that means, well it's the internet. To be honest this was a place where I met most of my closet friends. I was always shy and bullied growing up, and this was a place I could hide behind any or all masks that I preferred. There was instant trust with this person and I felt a strange attachment from the start. As the relationship grew we turned from best friends, to lovers who were also gaming best friends. We shared a passion for something that we both placed value on. For once I was able to be myself with someone in real life. Not just through some mediated format to which my sadness and purpose continued to diminish when I really analyzed my own life.

My own fears and pain have begun to inhibit growth with my best friend. He and I share an incredibly strong bond, but because I can't move past these issues I am harming the person that I care about the most. Purpose, what really is the purpose? Have I became so entranced with this idea of helping others that I fail to help the person I am with. Are my goals being linked to pain causing me to not understand purpose outside of pain? Has my pain become my purpose?

My mom is gone. I buried her in April 2011 and the night I sit staring at the ceiling praying for answers from her are going unanswered. My pain from my mother continues to grip my heart and pull me further into the hole of purpose I continue to attempt to create. My mom is deceased and I have to accept that as pain and not purpose. I am not overweight because of being mistreated. Nobody is to blame for what I have done to myself. I have convinced myself from the previous pain of being bullied about weight that nobody could love someone who's appearance mirrors my own. It has become my purpose to exercise and continue unhealthy diets. My purpose should not be in my pain, but in my own purpose in life.

My purpose it to be a good and understand lady to my sir. Sounds like a silly sentence. I am a nerd. I was bullied. I do enjoy ponies, turrets, space, and this little old thing called Halloween. My purpose should not be tied with my pain, but what I truly do want to do. I want to spend time with my best friend and enjoy all the things that he does, but I also want him to have his own purpose even if it doesn't involve me. I've gotten so set on my own worldviews that I don't care to understand others. I can't understand how purpose is not linked with pain, because I failed to see my purpose as linked as pain. If I lose Brandon it will just add to my pain and cause more false purpose. It's time to start attempting to understand. I know this process will not happen overnight, but I intend to try to separate this for my own sake and for those who I love sake.

Yours truly,
Alexis Flowers.

Death of those you love is inevitable

Control.

We long for it, yet we also want to be controlled. We want stability and a system that give us a base of what we should look like and do with our lives. How to become a productive "citizen". You live controlled, longing to break free from the control. You notice the chains around you aren't very sturdy, yet you cling to them afraid of what might happen.

This was my life after the passing of my mother. After the tremendous amount of stress that I had endure working and going full time at my masters. The chains continued to weigh down heavily on me. After my mother passed I thought somehow I would be free from these chains, but they just seemed to get tighter, cutting at the circulation of my wrists, slowly tailoring me to accept the chains. It wasn't until I arrived in Israel that I felt.... Free. For once free. For once not worrying about what people thought of me, my research, or my nerdyness. I was free.

Freedom is something we long for. It is something to look forward to beyond the control of everyday life. When I landed in Israel I had this strange feeling as if I was home. In that moment I was right where I needed to be with my brother by my side. Nothing at all could constrain me again, and I spent my time in Israel being free. I found that the freedom allowed some of the pain to come out. I cried in front of strangers who held me. People I hardly knew and had no idea who my mother was holding me and telling me I was normal. Normal, this is a word that consistently came up in my research and in my questions. What constitutes normal? My new argument is control. Enabling yourself to be controlled by what people tell you is the norm is what creates normal in ones mind. I was normal, and my pain was a part of grieving and healing. I embraced my tears for once instead of wiping them away.

It was a music trip, and though I love music I'm not quite as talented as my baby brother. He's incredible and inspiring and through his music there is healing. The entire time I watched him grow, develop, and finally see him smile made me proud and happy. This entire time away at college made me feel awful for not protecting him, and for not being there for him. Here he was himself again and I got to watch him and be there. It was the most beautiful experience of my life and the guilt began to slowly go away as the trip progressed.

We did a lot of fun hikes in 120 degree weather no big deal. One of the most rewarding parts of the hikes was the sense of accomplishment I got when I felt I couldn't make it and conquered the rough terrain of Israel. We went on many, but our tour guide ensured us that each was worth it. He was right, the hikes brought us to new lands with so much rich history. We also got to experience the bedouin culture and sleep in a tend overnight with the entire group. Here we learned about the culture and rode camels, which was quite terrifying but invigorating at the same time!

The reason that I had went to Israel was to pray at the Western Wall for my mom. Our tour guide encouraged us to feel a connection. I did not anticipate the connection I would feel, nor did I think I'd have the courage to pray at the wall multiple times without doing too much emotional damage to myself. The Old City in Jerusalem was extremely important to me. The cultural, historical, and religious significance was what particularly drew me to it. I could feel something just being in the city, but at the wall I walked slowly towards it. I hadn't touched it yet and I could already feel her. When I got to the wall and put my hand on it my life almost backtracked to present day. I could remember very distinct memories of my mother. The time I spent at the wall was a time I got to reconnect with my mother. I could feel her present with me and I felt as though she had her hand pressed to mine. I don't remember much. I vaguely remember crying, but after I became aware that I was. I just remember wanting to stay at the wall and not let go of it. My mom was there and I knew I wasn't ready to let go. I remember wanting to ask questions, but that left when I touched that wall. I just wanted to be present and let whatever came to me come. I'm getting teary eyed remembering this particular moment, because I really believe that I went back again just so I could feel her again.

While I think it was healthy for me to feel that and get religiously connected again to my Judaism what gave me the most closure was the holocaust museum. While there we saw just how terrifying the holocaust was, and what I liked most about it was that they tried to put you in victims shoes. They attempted to show you that holocaust victims were just like us, but that their stories got lost in the genocide. We saw people's shoes, family members having to burn other family members bodies, and learned that Nazi's had a choice (they were not punished if they did not follow orders). When we got to the end of the museum and you look up there are pictures and documents from victims and if you look down there is a well to show how the memory of them has faded. The museum contains 4 million of 6 million books containing information on victims. Many victims were never identified. The museum is constructed to resemble a tomb or something to the like. When we left it opened up and the sun shown through the darkness. The tour guide explained that even though there is a dark past, Jews are still here and still fighting. That we must live on. It really made me think about my own experience of loss and pain. Though the holocaust can't quite compare to my mothers death, I felt as though I had almost locked myself away. That freedom was always an option, but that I allowed society tell me how I should cope.

The last few days in Israel were filled with tears, and goodbyes. I had to say goodbye to a new found family, an amazing group of people who helped me free some of the demons I had buried inside of me. A group of people who care so much and have given me hope not just in society, but in myself. I love them all so much and will always provide any sort of help I can. Israel has freed me in a sense. I have a new way of looking at what I research and a understand just how important it is that I free others. That I create a new message around death to enable us to communicate about it. I'm not pathetic. I am not irregular from others. I am the strong and I have survived. I can't sick back and watch others experience what I had to and thus Israel has showed me how important it is to guide others out of the darkness. People will be jealous, selfish, and horrid but I can not allow that negative feedback to prevent me from doing what my heart tells me is right. Thank you Amazing Israel for all you have shown me and done for me.

P.S. The dead sea and mud bath were also lots of fun! Painful, but incredibly fun!

<3 p="p">Alexis Zoe

I swear I'll get to the part about Israel

Give me about a week to muster up the courage to write a profound blog post completely related to my experience in Israel. I know most of you are just so excited to hear all about my adventures abroad, but alas I have not had much luck articulating the experience repeatedly. My best suit is writing and I promise that by the end of next week I will produce a coherent and descriptive piece on my experience. Today has been quite productive despite my ankle being limited to nothing but a mere air cast. I'm not quite used to being completely reliant on other people, and the independent creature inside this body is completely and utterly excited to once again rely on only itself.

Today consisted of working and getting caught up on some things in life. Though the break in Israel was nice it left me very much behind in my day to day tasks. There is still much that I would like to get done, but in due time. I can not believe my second year of my PhD is about to begin in about a week. It's invigorating, but also scary. I feel as though I've become one of those lost and confused graduate students that stresses about a slight noise from across the room. I think that Israel changed that aspect of me in the sense that I feel much more relaxed and calm about situations that once caused me to have extreme panic attacks. Life is a beautiful and short time that should be valued. We all have our moments, ups and downs. That I argue is the beauty of life. We have our little up's and downs, but overall life is a wonderful ride that teaches us so much about ourselves. We have the ability to watch ourselves to grow into the people we wish to become. It's a wonderful feeling that I am so grateful for.

I have decided that some changes need to be made in my life. Like I said, Israel was life changing and it cleared up how I view my life. I want to begin doing more art and craft projects and try creating new things I never thought imaginable for myself. I'd love to just continue to dabble in history and create things with that vintage and historical feel. I also like happy and bubbly and at the moment I feel as though I could make more happy items. I also just want to explore and adventure more. I allowed myself to be consumed by a darkness after my mothers passing that didn't seem would ever go away. I forgot that I am still alive and that there is light out there. I want to explore that light and become more like the person I once was. I am beautiful, and I know that I enjoy taking care of my body. I have allowed myself to gain a majority of my weight back, settle for doing things I'm not particularly fond of, and stopped trying and doing new things. I am making a promise to myself that life will change and I will be the Lexy I really believe myself to be. Just posting an update and a promise that Israel stories shall commence shortly.

<3 p="p">Alexis Zoe

Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out

The title was a quote I found relevant to my current framework of viewing the world. When did I become a fearful person letting fears dictate the very fiber of that which is Alexis Zoe? When did I stop venturing out in the world and doing things that make my heart flutter with happiness and my soul long for more? When did I lose my confidence in the very nature of my being? These questions rush through my mind as I attempt to comprehend why I have become suffocated by fear. Late nights like this lead me to asking myself and questioning why the fear has arrived into my life and how I could possibly stop it. I have created a barrier so large that is holding me back from becoming what I would ultimately like to become. When I look at the wall I have placed in front of my body I see something that looks as though it could not be destroyed by even the heaviest machinery. Deep breaths. I can tackle this fear. I can begin to relive life and rebuild a foundation that was once unshakable. I am the master of my life and I am the only one with power strong enough to destroy this wall I have placed in front of me. 

When I stare at my computer screen attempting to do work these late nights I remember the nights I spent all night soaking as much knowledge I could fit into this cranium. The pleasure and passion I had for literature and learning had filled my heart with something so powerful. My confidence in my intelligence these days has wavered. Oh dear what am I saying, my confidence in most everything has shifted about two steps back. When my mom got sick I promised myself I would not change. I would be the strong girl I always was, working, not letting things worry me. I didn't care much about the bad relationships, the working 40+ hours, the hard work in school, and the attempt to still lead a normal young life. I was passionate. I was certain that all of my work and all of the suffering I spent during these years would pay off in the end. I would become a better person. When I think of the re framing of my life after the death of a parent I realize my life has forever shifted in a way that need not be negative. 

I'm honestly breaking down writing this. Some nights I wish the tears would cease to come and that the thoughts of my mother would turn into happy ones. I just envision her death in my mind, as if it keeps hitting rewind and replaying in my mind. Yesterday I read something that gave me hope in my future. It gave me hope for helping others that have had to deal with the trauma I have had to face. When women lost a husband after the initial trauma and a few years of recovering from death they found humor in the situation. They began to remember the happy moments, and even complain about things that annoyed them about their husbands while alive laughing together. Instead of being hurt and pained by the loss of their loved ones, they cherished the memories that they had with that person. I look forward to the days that I can cherish my mother, and get these images out of my mind. 

I don't want pain and fear to run my life. I want to break free of those chains and grow stronger. I know what I enjoy and what I need to do to make myself happy and I intend on doing just that. I need to do it not just for myself, but for the people I love. I have finally met someone that I feel comfortable with and that I can see a future with. Our future gives me hope in these pleasant memories of my mother, and the opportunity to build new ones that I can cherish. The thought of losing another person I love makes me sick to my stomach, and this fear has completely taken over my life. I have changed and altered, but I don't want to be this way anymore. The fear will cause loss, not help prevent it and I need to begin to accept that idea. 

There is happiness after the sadness. There is hope even during the hopeless bleak moments. There is courage after fear. I'm slowly chizzling away at this wall in front of me with the intention of breaking free so that I can be free to do what I want. I want to be a better girlfriend, sister, daughter, and aunt. I want to wash away the sadness and tears that I waste so many precious moments of life allowing to overtake me. I'm ready to live my life again and it may not happen overnight, but I know each day I spend with the love of my life and living my dreams I get closer and closer to achieving it. Growing up quickly has been a blessing in disguise, because I feel as though I am more prepared for life then I would be. I have so much to be happy about and I'm ready to start actually recognizing that and being happy about things. Tomorrow will be a new beginning and I have the control to change this. Good riddance fear, I'm ready to start being Lexy again :D. I'm ready to play games, enjoy my school work, take nice long runs, do arts and crafts, and cherish the moments I'm alive and well. I have my boyfriend, brother, and dad to thank for always supporting me even during my emotional roller coasters. 

<3 

Alexis Zoe

Reasons why I love Nebraska

Before I moved to Nebraska I had preconceived ideas of how the state would actually be. I envisioned a desolate place with people who spoke as though they were poorly educated. Overalls, cowboy hats, and of course a piece of wheat sticking out of their mouths. Any city girl assumes places that are not highly populated like Chicago are nothing but desolate farm lands, especially a state such as Nebraska. After living here officially for one year I can say that Nebraska is a place I have enjoyed calling home. When I got to Lincoln I fell in love with the small town feel, cobblestone downtown, and limited amount of traffic. People here do not honk at you if you fail to go exactly at the green light, they smile, and actually ask how you are doing. People here seem happier than my big city, but that does not mean that I don't miss my home. Everyday I miss Chicago, but I have moved to a place much more slow paced and overall just better quality of life. Not to mention everything is 5 times cheaper than in Chicago.

When I was outside swimming briefly and tanning I realized just how much I've enjoyed my time in Nebraska. A child asked me if I was swimming and if I'd like to go. I was about ready to go back to my apartment, when it struck me just how polite and friendly people are. Not once in Chicago (unless I was related) has a child actually spoke to a stranger. It's just something we socialize children not to do in the city. I felt happy that he had asked me, but also I felt as though there is this aura of trust people have for one another in Nebraska. I realize how my socialization and lived experiences have taught me not to trust, and be weary of all people. There is an innocence almost about this town that I failed to see in Chicago.

Nebraska is a place of beauty. Sure it's the flat lands. Sure most of Nebraska is comprised of farms, but it is a place that has it's own beauty. I enjoy nature more than I do skyscrapers. Whenever I felt inspired it was typically in a small town or out somewhere away from all the buildings. It is clean and beautiful here. Being outside in Nebraska actually makes me feel as though my body has been cleansed and restored. I had always imagined myself to be more of a small town girl, but it wasn't until I surrounded myself in it that I realized how much happier I have been in a city like this.

Last night my boyfriend and I were watching an anime called Escaflowne that I absolutely adore when the girl said if you believe it, it will come true. Today, Brandon said you create the stress in your life. I have been overly stressing and I realize how obnoxious and silly it has been. Taking a day to do something I love and just spend time with myself made me realize that the stress has been created and manipulated by myself. I do acknowledge that I have reasons to be stressed from the passing of my mother, to the financial issues. However, many of these things have been beyond my control and I just have to believe that things are getting better. I am in love and living with my best friend in the entire world. I have never felt so stable or sure of anyone in my entire life and that is something to be grateful for. I do have mistrust, and I fear the worst based on lived experiences, but he is the reason I have overcome some of those. He is the reason that I don't feel compelled to push myself beyond limits when working out, and I'm starting to see myself more and more as beautiful and not this hideous beast I've made myself out to be in the past. Nebraska is accepting of all walks of people, and for once I feel pretty going out with no make up, in my comic book shirts, and being my overweight self. I do believe in health and working out, but I have not been running 5-8 miles a day like I once did. Overall, I feel better.

I have failed to acknowledge and accept that things in life are never certain. My mothers death taught me fundamental pieces of who I am, but even though her death was sudden and uncertain to us I still have not accepted that we can't predict the future. We are not capable of protecting ourselves from anything in life so why worry? Why attempt to predict things we are unable to predict? I'm still working on being the Lexy that was the most positive, but I'm slowly getting there. I am done letting the past define my future. I'm ready to move on and see how the future treats me. There are always going to be good and bad days in life, but what's important is getting to where you want to be in the end. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met my best friend, but I am so grateful to have him in my life. Thank you Brandon for getting me through this past year and always supporting me even in my dark moments. Thanks to my brother and dad for always believing in me, even when I failed to believe in myself. Thanks to my best friends who have put up with so much from me, but have always remained my friends for these long years. I love you all and most of all I love you Nebraska!

<3 always
Alexis Zoe

With great power comes great responsibility

This phrase says it all. A single phrase with so much potential to explain such a complex life that I lead. Forgive my writing for over the past couple of years it has slowly deteriorated to something I hardly recognize anymore. Most of my life I spent using my writing as a way to vent the feelings, emotions, and thoughts I was unable to explain. The complexities of my mind perplexed me in a way I deemed incongruousness with most of peoples thought processes. My mind was indeed that which could not be properly picked apart by anyone, not even myself. I find that we are often astonished and perplexed by our own minds. The academy gave me a place to ask some of the questions that had troubled me so. My mind was at least able to question like I once had as a child. What is the purpose of life? Why do we always attempt to change the bad into good, why not allow the bad to expel? Most importantly, why on earth are we incapable of communicating and getting along with one another on a daily basis? I found my answer in a text book, but I have the experiences to back up the research. We humans are unable to communicate properly with one another, because it is the misunderstandings that drive us to communicate in the first place. We must and will not accept not being heard by others.

My question to myself is what happened to this thirst for knowledge? What happened to the inability to motivate myself to write? What has come of me. The complex creature that once aimed to emancipate the earth of troubles and worry has transformed into the worrisome, fearful, and passive tiny girl in the room. Afraid to take the next step. Afraid to speak her mind, cowering in her own mind and frameworks altering, shifting, changing. It's amazing one a single year can do to transform a person. It is simply incredible seeing a girl who was so sure of herself shift into something that is unable to make out anymore. I am not the same Alexis I was last year. I am not the hopelessly optimist dreamer. I am not the fighter, healer, helper, or girl who just wants to ensure that everyone is okay. Why? I am not okay. I have lost a fundamental piece of my heart and it has in fact influenced my mind, writing, and abilities.

This past year I have not baked cookies on holidays and distributed them to people that I love and care for. I have become a bit more selfish than I once was. I no longer volunteer, take days to do things I enjoy. These days I spend my time online or in my office. I rarely allow myself time to do what I enjoy and feel happy about. I have made excuses for gaining my weight back and skipping days of running and eating healthy. "Oh I'll do it tomorrow", "oh I just want a break", "I'll cheat this one day" has become a constant part of my vocabulary. I worked so hard to lose the weight I had and I slowly allow it to creep back on me. If this was past Lexy it would have troubled me so much I would have done something about it, but now I allow it to continue. Motivation is troublesome for me, but I refuse to not get my work done. I continue to press on, but I know I am capable of much more work. I remember that research and writing is not always meant to enlighten and be full of hope, but it is meant to break your heart. My trauma can teach others, and I need to constantly remind myself of that. I am now a mentor for a countless amount of people, and my mom would want me to be. Some days I feel like screaming and pounding against walls. Why me? I tried so hard mom. I worked so hard to make you proud, to lead a good life, to be an example only to lose all I had. Only to find myself at square one back in miserable hell again. Why me? Why did I not only lose my mother, and the powerhouse female figure in my life, but I have lost my best friend my father. I rarely hear from my father anymore, and I have no one to get a coffee with. The days of long complex conversations in Starbucks having Barista begin to contribute is over. Do I view this as an ending? Or do I view this as a renewal to my new life. To the life I am starting again, to the rebuilding of my heart and the fibers of my being. To transform back slowly to the girl who didn't have excuses. To the girl who strive for greatness to not only impress her friends and family, but show the world what can be done regardless of age, class, and gender.

The best gift one can give themselves is accepting that things change, you change, and life is not predictable. To truly live a good and happy life you have to view everything as a new beginning, another chapter in the story. The story doesn't end until you are no longer here to keep writing the story. You leave behind your story for those who live to tell it. I will never stop telling the story of my mother, but that doesn't mean that my own story isn't influenced by it. I want to be the Lexy I once was and show my mother that her story is not forgotten. Her support, love, and soul will never leave my heart and will forever stay with me. I want to workout, I enjoy the pain in a weird sick way. I enjoy being healthy and fit, and I need to stop making excuses. Writing is my passion in life. I have spent most of my life writing, reading, and engaging in knowledge and this is not a time to give up on that which I love. Adventure still is in my blood and my thirst for it is endless. I know what I must do to be happy, and I'm on the right track.

I'm with someone that I love and for once in my life feel safe with and trust. I hold back because of the fear, anger, and pain. This is another issue in my complex mind and it needs to stop. I am happy, and I'm taking each day as it is. The time of excuses needs to stop and I'm beginning to realize this after feeling blinded for most of the year. I'm finally learning and growing as a person again, and though I feel as though I should feel guilt because my mom isn't here to see it. I can't. I can't throw my young life away and I'm ready to start living again. Spiderman has taught me a lot about life, but in order to have power or keep doing what I am I need to take on the responsibility of it. I am fully capable and have come too far in life to step down and discontinue all that I have already achieved. Life is what you make of it, and to me life is too precious to throw away.

I swear blogs will be more frequent then they have been, even if I feel as though my writing abilities are not quite up to par. This blog wasn't intended for an audience it was meant to be a place for self betterment and I'm ready to continue living and growing. Don't keep the past in your mind. Don't stress over the future, because if you're too worried about what has already happened and what might happen you can't focus on what's right in front of you. The present is what makes the future and what helps you move on from the past.

The trees are filled with memories

Of the feelings never told. It has been a while since I last blogged, and there are many reasons behind that. Lately I have been experiencing a slew of emotions that I can't quite comprehend. At one point in my life I was filled with a burst of happiness. A happiness that glowed so brightly the entire world could see it shining through. Overall, I believe that for those two years I was the best person I had ever been. I was finally being healthy, taking care of myself, and of course stimulating myself mentally. There was a pact that I had with myself to do all of the things that I loved and cherished the most. This included taking long bicycle rides on good ol' Shamrock, going out and exploring, and dreaming everything in vintage. I absolutely adored looking and dressing adorable everyday. I feel as though I need to sell or donate most of what I have and just start over. Just allocate a certain amount of my funds and spend a lexy day. A day to just revive the once glowing happy girl that I knew.

I believe that we all craft our lives the way in which we see fit. We can find beauty and choose to do what we adore. My biggest problem is I am constantly attempting to please others, that I forget what makes me the happiest. This causes my heart grief and I have realized I need to begin to stop being selfless and be selfish at times. I miss getting coffee and sitting all day reading articles and dabbling in knowledge. These days I feel exhausted for a reason, I am going through many emotions most of which continue to drag down my fragile little heart. 

This summer I believe that I need to make a list of all I would like to accomplish. One of the main things I hope to achieve is getting ahead of the game rather than falling behind. It is so easy in life to allow yourself to fall behind and then later blame the work or struggles with completing tasks on the tasks themselves. When we do this we are actually avoiding doing the work and making it even more challenging to get ahead. I intend on going back to enjoying my work and embracing that sense of accomplishment that I have from working hard. I also want to explore and discover more of Nebraska. Maybe even take a weekend trip with my wonderful boyfriend to Colorado and just enjoy being alive. Sometimes it takes little trips or little things to be reminded how beautiful the world truly is. 

A final thing that has slipped in the present is my writing. I can see the slow decline in my writing abilities as I continue to put off writing for my enjoyment and updating my blogs frequently. This is again much like putting off work, I have allowed the things I once enjoyed so to become chores. It seems as though everything has become a chore to me these days and it has pushed me over the edge. My mother would not want me to live my life this way and I do no intend to fall back into the state I once was in, when I was in high school. I am making a newfound pact from here on out that I must continue to progress in my life and search for that happiness I once achieved. Life is a learning process and we aren't always going to be comfortable or happy with our lives. What is important is to remember the times you were at your best and work to get back there. Do things that are enjoyable because life is short. 

<3 Alexis Zoe

The day a part of me died

The crisp blue lake glistening in the sunlight. People were out at the dog park walking dogs, the city was full of happiness. I stared out the enormous windows of Northwestern Memorial Hospital secretly hating the people below. They were all going about their lives, enjoying the beautiful day as my mom lay suffering and dying. They all smiled as I felt my heart being torn apart by arch nemesis, cancer. I could never understand why my mother feared her disease so, until I saw her during her final days. It wasn't until I had to hear her shout in pain for me to help her, until I watched her cry in pain and embarrassment, until I had to watch her unable to speak anymore. I had wished and hoped I could hear her yell my name again in pain. Was that selfish? According to one of my old co-workers I was being selfish wanting to keep her alive in pain, but why would I want to willingly let her die?

So I stared out the window, hating. Wishing somehow this was just one of my elaborate nightmares again. Trying to convince myself that this wasn't the end of the road for mom. That I was in some sick twisted Silent Hill game and I was going to get out of the town. I had to continue to hold back the tears around my mother and needed to get out of that room for a minute. I couldn't bare watching my mom suffering anymore, she had already suffered five years. Being out of the room wasn't much better. I felt guilty leaving her, but I just could not take it anymore. I hadn't slept much that entire half of the year. I worked 2 jobs (one of which was physical labor overnight) and was a full time master student. I was attempting to write and be productive while attempting to convince myself my mom's brain cancer was just a little set back. When she cried about being ugly having a port in her head and being bald again I told her she was beautiful. She knew she wasn't to others though, when you love someone they could never be ugly to you. My friends were a little put back when they saw my mom after her brain surgery and it was then I realized I was living a life that most people can't fathom. 

So the guilt continued as I stared out the window, crying, shivering, wishing I was less helpless. Wishing my entire life wasn't full of such helplessness. Maybe I wasn't the strong optimist I built myself up to be. Maybe just maybe I was convincing myself of something to keep me from turning insane over the years. As I entered again to see my mom lying there I felt pain trickling through me. This was reality I couldn't run and pretend anymore. I couldn't give myself hope, because there was no hope left. The pain did not just revolve around my own pain, but I also felt tremendous pain for my dad who would now have to be a widow. The most pain I felt was for my brother. I promised my mom before she died by her bedside that I would care for him. That I would look after him and call him like my mom died, but how could I live up to her? How could I ever give him the love of his mother? I couldn't. I was leaving for Nebraska. I always claimed to be selfless and in the biggest time of distress for my family I was being selfish and leaving. I made my mom cry in fear of me leaving and her losing her "best nurse". The guilt and pain was eating away at my insides. 

Those people down there, out those windows. I wondered if they knew the pain I knew. I wondered if they even knew what was important in life. So many people care so much about themselves. Was I one of those people? Would I ever recover from this? During the final prayer the Rabbi gave my mother took her final breath. She squeezed my brothers hand and looked at him one last time as I held her other hand. My mom said goodbye to us, but she didn't know how to. She asked people before she died how to say goodbye, not how will it feel to die. My mom was the most incredible woman I had ever met. She made everyone laugh and happy all the time. We were her life and she never wanted us to leave when most parent's can't wait to get the kids out of the house. 

On her last breath I fell. I was not able to hold my own body up anymore I just collapsed on her and held her. Her body grew cold and I didn't ever want to let go. The Rabbi went to get someone, but I didn't want him to get anyone. I just wanted to hold her. I just wanted to tell her I loved her as many times as I could. I did not want to accept she was gone. When we had to actually leave the hospital I almost didn't want to. She was still here we had to take her home. Her friends from the hospital came in and said they were sorry and how much of an impact she had on them. The doorman cried for my mother, a woman he had gotten to know over the past five years. So many people had loved her. As we walked downstairs and got outside we felt what a beautiful day it was. Chicago had been gloomy and horrid the past few days. We had gotten outside after being trapped in a hospital for 3 days on a cancer ward full of dying, suffering people. We had not bathed or eaten, but when we got outside we took in the fresh air. It was beautiful on the day my mom died and I like to think that was because g-d was happy to have her come to him. We felt as though we were in some sick dream walking to the car. My body felt lifeless as I trudged down the block to the parking garage. I don't even remember getting home or what we did that day. 

Her wake, funeral, the rest was all a giant blur. The psychologist told us that in order to know she was dead in our minds we had to see the burial. We had to understand that she was dead, and that we would be delusional and have trouble remembering. Delusional? Confused? I thought I heard my moms voice when she died. I waited for her to call me. I listened to voicemails to pretend that she was still here. I was delusional, but could you play me? I remember being asked when I'd go back to work, when I wanted to go out for a drink, when I was going to finish my thesis. All things that did not seem important to me anymore. All things I wanted to to get away from. I chose to go to Nebraska and my friend there gave me the best time I could have had after my mom's death. It helped me forget for a second the pain. The torture I had just witnessed, and even though I was able to be there with my mom I'm not sure it was healthy for me to see so much suffering. My mom had seen the same suffering, but in her 40's. She had us, a husband, stability, a life. I was 22, had no children to keep me occupied, no husband let alone boyfriend, and no stability.  

How could I get married without having my mom by my side? I asked my sister to help me plan my wedding someday, because my mom wouldn't be there. She agreed and hugged me. I remembered how my mom had asked her friends if she should buy me something for my baby shower someday, because she wouldn't be there. We all told her not to talk like that, and with my sisters baby shower I felt pain. I was so happy for my sister and seeing all the people there. I even got to play an important role of taking notes on who got her what, but I couldn't help but wish that my mom could be at my shower someday. Who would be the happiest person to see my baby now? No one, my mom would have been the greatest grandmother in the entire world. I am expected to move on with my life, but all those pivotal times in a girls life where mom is meant to play a major role she won't be there. I will be alone. 

Alone. Always alone. Now more alone then ever without her. Without her constant reminders on how beautiful I am. Without her telling me what an incredible writer/actress I was. I have lost motivation to write blogs recently, and write for myself. My expression is shown through writing. It is how I cope with all of life's situations and make sense of my overactive brain activity. It was my pleasure in life, and when my mom died I realized no one would read my blogs. No one would talk about specific sections that they enjoyed. Why write? Why express myself when no one wanted to hear my expression? Why attempt to make sense of the bad, when I learned that often you can't make sense of it? There is no hope in some situations, no matter what you do. Death is inevitable we can all be certain that we will experience it someday, but why me why now? I had already had a difficult life, losing our house we grew up in, having to work so much, struggling to write about the very disease which was now killing my mother. How was I going to live a full life and be happy now?

Mom, I can't write anymore about my feelings or myself I want to write to you again. My heart is broken, and people will never understand my pain. Losing you was the hardest thing in my life, and I know you don't think that I would miss you but I do. Everyday I miss you in some way. Some days are better than others, but there are times I just wish I could call you so you could make me smile again. When I have stress there isn't anyone there to help me like you did. No one cares as much as you did period. You taught me how to be selfless. You didn't have to suffer and fight like you did, but I know you did it so spare us this pain for a few years if you could. How did you do it mom? How were you so strong? I could never be as strong as you and you said you weren't sure what was worse, having to be the living who lives without the dead, or having to be dead. Mom, living is worse. We have to live everyday without your constant support and comfort. We have to accept we will never hug you again or kiss you. We have to re-live this pain every year on april 4th knowing that was the day you left us. Mom I love you I just want to break down in your arms right now, but I have to break down alone. I have to write this blog hoping that maybe you are reading it somewhere. That my writing has more purpose than just me venting to myself about you. I love you mom, and I miss you everyday. Rest in peace :(

You know I dreamed about you for 29 years before I saw you

I missed you for 29 years.

It's been practically 29 years since I last felt compelled to write anything. To be honest, I feel as though I have lost my writing capabilities. I once was able to move and create such hope in my blogs, but lately I'm afraid I have lost my motivation and inspiration for personal reflection. Most of my time now is spent inside my head, rather than feeling a need to externalize. The externalization process looks much like tears dripping endlessly, a broken faucet beyond repair. Perhaps I am beyond repair.

When I was about 13 years old I decided that my life would be committed to helping others feel better. It began when I went online to search for those who felt alone, lost, and as helpless as I did during my years of adolescence. In an attempt to convince myself that many had to deal with the issues that I was and that I was not alone I began to move into inspiration and stories of hope. I actually convinced myself that the bad was a positive thing, when in reality the bad is not always a positive thing. When I felt sorry for any bad in my life I began to write, motivate, and teach people how amazing the darkness actually was. I began to embrace it and my life became just that, dark. Much like the tunnel in Silent Hill 4 I was surrounded by darkness and at the very end was a glimmer of light which represented by hope.

Hope, the term is used in a variety of contexts typically encircled by some sort of traumatic or horrid event. At times hope can represent just that, we have high hopes for the future, for the unknown. We want to believe that our identities are embedded in this notion of hope. Hope, however is a falsified and does not project reality. It is a way of coping with reality, accepting that there is nothing you can do to combat the negative. The only thing that you are capable of is thinking about the way you wish things would be. Some things are irreversible. My mother's death is irreversible, and that was when I began accepting that there is no hope, and that hope can not make things better.

What can make things better then? If hope is just this false concept that instills fake projections of our future what can replace it to make things better? My answer to this is reality. Reality may seem bleak and sad, but it's what is actually happening. It is the truth. The sooner you accept the truth and reality for it is the sooner you can move on and accept that things are happening the way they are. The sooner you can find ways to making you happy instead of holding onto something that will most likely never happen. My mom was a realist and I lived in the clouds. I could never understand why she seemed so negative and not hopeful, but now that she is gone I have begun to see that we can create a place that builds our hopes up so much, that when things do hit the fan the fall is greater. I have fallen from a pedestal higher than the heavens back down to Earth and I am learning that reality isn't so bad. Being upset, or accepting that you have been dealt a bad hand is not something that should be frowned down upon, because it is real.

Life is not always going to be perfect. People will upset you and do things to hurt you. You will be disappointed at least once a week in something that you find distasteful. There are no guarantees or happy endings unless you go out there and you make a happy ending for yourself. There will be bumps in the road and you may feel as though you will never get there, but those are a normal part of becoming who you are meant to be. Hope doesn't have to drive your motivation to get there, but the sheer fact that you desire this happiness for yourself. That is how you will get there. I'm working on getting there after my large fall. I was living on a cloud where I viewed everything as beautiful and simple, but things are not this way. Living is hard and we are truly amazing creatures for surviving so well and finding joy in so many things.



Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe