The seconds, minutes, months, and years pass as I watch my life continue to fast forward. Patterns emerge as I begin to reflect back on what has occurred in my life. "Move forward", they tell me. Shifting identities, patterns, life cycles who am I? As I begin to progress in my program I am left with a number of questions that still exist in my mind. What am I doing to produce something that has purpose? Perhaps one of the fundamental reasons we attribute purpose to certain experiences is to re-frame our experience of our own internal pains. What inside is inside of us is a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode, but yet we can't. We keep rewiring the bomb to avoid the explosion of what might come. We do this through the use of purpose. If we have purpose and hope in our work, relationships, and lives then how can we ever feel terrible about anything? Or perhaps that's what we suppressing deep within.
Like many others I compare my own experience with others. If I'm unable to understand the experience then I begin to devalue that thought. How ever could someone find purpose in this? What I've found myself asking today is who's to question anyone's purpose? "My mother dying only happened because I was deemed capable enough by some higher power to help others go through this same trauma," I continue to repeat myself. Do I experience pain? Of course not. "My boyfriends cheating on me, leaving me, and hurting me is because I'm not thin enough. I will do something to lose weight so that no one will want to leave me again," I repeat as I watch the miles pass me by feeling my body growing faint with each connection to the pavement. Why must be attribute this purpose to pain we experience? Why can't we function separately from this and if we lack pain why can we still not have purpose in something?
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PAIN," I scream at those I love the most. Why can't you understand my pain? Why can't you be an amazing person like me and try to enable change and help? Why can't you help me see purpose in my attempts to reduce my own pain? Am I serving my purpose? If my true purpose was to help people then why am I harming those closet to me? Is what I say my purpose actually a true purpose or am I creating purpose to feel less miserable?
Last year I was introduced to my best friend. We met in what my parents would consider an unconventional way. For those of you who don't understand what that means, well it's the internet. To be honest this was a place where I met most of my closet friends. I was always shy and bullied growing up, and this was a place I could hide behind any or all masks that I preferred. There was instant trust with this person and I felt a strange attachment from the start. As the relationship grew we turned from best friends, to lovers who were also gaming best friends. We shared a passion for something that we both placed value on. For once I was able to be myself with someone in real life. Not just through some mediated format to which my sadness and purpose continued to diminish when I really analyzed my own life.
My own fears and pain have begun to inhibit growth with my best friend. He and I share an incredibly strong bond, but because I can't move past these issues I am harming the person that I care about the most. Purpose, what really is the purpose? Have I became so entranced with this idea of helping others that I fail to help the person I am with. Are my goals being linked to pain causing me to not understand purpose outside of pain? Has my pain become my purpose?
My mom is gone. I buried her in April 2011 and the night I sit staring at the ceiling praying for answers from her are going unanswered. My pain from my mother continues to grip my heart and pull me further into the hole of purpose I continue to attempt to create. My mom is deceased and I have to accept that as pain and not purpose. I am not overweight because of being mistreated. Nobody is to blame for what I have done to myself. I have convinced myself from the previous pain of being bullied about weight that nobody could love someone who's appearance mirrors my own. It has become my purpose to exercise and continue unhealthy diets. My purpose should not be in my pain, but in my own purpose in life.
My purpose it to be a good and understand lady to my sir. Sounds like a silly sentence. I am a nerd. I was bullied. I do enjoy ponies, turrets, space, and this little old thing called Halloween. My purpose should not be tied with my pain, but what I truly do want to do. I want to spend time with my best friend and enjoy all the things that he does, but I also want him to have his own purpose even if it doesn't involve me. I've gotten so set on my own worldviews that I don't care to understand others. I can't understand how purpose is not linked with pain, because I failed to see my purpose as linked as pain. If I lose Brandon it will just add to my pain and cause more false purpose. It's time to start attempting to understand. I know this process will not happen overnight, but I intend to try to separate this for my own sake and for those who I love sake.
Yours truly,
Alexis Flowers.
No comments:
Post a Comment