Before I moved to Nebraska I had preconceived ideas of how the state would actually be. I envisioned a desolate place with people who spoke as though they were poorly educated. Overalls, cowboy hats, and of course a piece of wheat sticking out of their mouths. Any city girl assumes places that are not highly populated like Chicago are nothing but desolate farm lands, especially a state such as Nebraska. After living here officially for one year I can say that Nebraska is a place I have enjoyed calling home. When I got to Lincoln I fell in love with the small town feel, cobblestone downtown, and limited amount of traffic. People here do not honk at you if you fail to go exactly at the green light, they smile, and actually ask how you are doing. People here seem happier than my big city, but that does not mean that I don't miss my home. Everyday I miss Chicago, but I have moved to a place much more slow paced and overall just better quality of life. Not to mention everything is 5 times cheaper than in Chicago.
When I was outside swimming briefly and tanning I realized just how much I've enjoyed my time in Nebraska. A child asked me if I was swimming and if I'd like to go. I was about ready to go back to my apartment, when it struck me just how polite and friendly people are. Not once in Chicago (unless I was related) has a child actually spoke to a stranger. It's just something we socialize children not to do in the city. I felt happy that he had asked me, but also I felt as though there is this aura of trust people have for one another in Nebraska. I realize how my socialization and lived experiences have taught me not to trust, and be weary of all people. There is an innocence almost about this town that I failed to see in Chicago.
Nebraska is a place of beauty. Sure it's the flat lands. Sure most of Nebraska is comprised of farms, but it is a place that has it's own beauty. I enjoy nature more than I do skyscrapers. Whenever I felt inspired it was typically in a small town or out somewhere away from all the buildings. It is clean and beautiful here. Being outside in Nebraska actually makes me feel as though my body has been cleansed and restored. I had always imagined myself to be more of a small town girl, but it wasn't until I surrounded myself in it that I realized how much happier I have been in a city like this.
Last night my boyfriend and I were watching an anime called Escaflowne that I absolutely adore when the girl said if you believe it, it will come true. Today, Brandon said you create the stress in your life. I have been overly stressing and I realize how obnoxious and silly it has been. Taking a day to do something I love and just spend time with myself made me realize that the stress has been created and manipulated by myself. I do acknowledge that I have reasons to be stressed from the passing of my mother, to the financial issues. However, many of these things have been beyond my control and I just have to believe that things are getting better. I am in love and living with my best friend in the entire world. I have never felt so stable or sure of anyone in my entire life and that is something to be grateful for. I do have mistrust, and I fear the worst based on lived experiences, but he is the reason I have overcome some of those. He is the reason that I don't feel compelled to push myself beyond limits when working out, and I'm starting to see myself more and more as beautiful and not this hideous beast I've made myself out to be in the past. Nebraska is accepting of all walks of people, and for once I feel pretty going out with no make up, in my comic book shirts, and being my overweight self. I do believe in health and working out, but I have not been running 5-8 miles a day like I once did. Overall, I feel better.
I have failed to acknowledge and accept that things in life are never certain. My mothers death taught me fundamental pieces of who I am, but even though her death was sudden and uncertain to us I still have not accepted that we can't predict the future. We are not capable of protecting ourselves from anything in life so why worry? Why attempt to predict things we are unable to predict? I'm still working on being the Lexy that was the most positive, but I'm slowly getting there. I am done letting the past define my future. I'm ready to move on and see how the future treats me. There are always going to be good and bad days in life, but what's important is getting to where you want to be in the end. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met my best friend, but I am so grateful to have him in my life. Thank you Brandon for getting me through this past year and always supporting me even in my dark moments. Thanks to my brother and dad for always believing in me, even when I failed to believe in myself. Thanks to my best friends who have put up with so much from me, but have always remained my friends for these long years. I love you all and most of all I love you Nebraska!
<3 always
Alexis Zoe
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