You know I dreamed about you for 29 years before I saw you

I missed you for 29 years.

It's been practically 29 years since I last felt compelled to write anything. To be honest, I feel as though I have lost my writing capabilities. I once was able to move and create such hope in my blogs, but lately I'm afraid I have lost my motivation and inspiration for personal reflection. Most of my time now is spent inside my head, rather than feeling a need to externalize. The externalization process looks much like tears dripping endlessly, a broken faucet beyond repair. Perhaps I am beyond repair.

When I was about 13 years old I decided that my life would be committed to helping others feel better. It began when I went online to search for those who felt alone, lost, and as helpless as I did during my years of adolescence. In an attempt to convince myself that many had to deal with the issues that I was and that I was not alone I began to move into inspiration and stories of hope. I actually convinced myself that the bad was a positive thing, when in reality the bad is not always a positive thing. When I felt sorry for any bad in my life I began to write, motivate, and teach people how amazing the darkness actually was. I began to embrace it and my life became just that, dark. Much like the tunnel in Silent Hill 4 I was surrounded by darkness and at the very end was a glimmer of light which represented by hope.

Hope, the term is used in a variety of contexts typically encircled by some sort of traumatic or horrid event. At times hope can represent just that, we have high hopes for the future, for the unknown. We want to believe that our identities are embedded in this notion of hope. Hope, however is a falsified and does not project reality. It is a way of coping with reality, accepting that there is nothing you can do to combat the negative. The only thing that you are capable of is thinking about the way you wish things would be. Some things are irreversible. My mother's death is irreversible, and that was when I began accepting that there is no hope, and that hope can not make things better.

What can make things better then? If hope is just this false concept that instills fake projections of our future what can replace it to make things better? My answer to this is reality. Reality may seem bleak and sad, but it's what is actually happening. It is the truth. The sooner you accept the truth and reality for it is the sooner you can move on and accept that things are happening the way they are. The sooner you can find ways to making you happy instead of holding onto something that will most likely never happen. My mom was a realist and I lived in the clouds. I could never understand why she seemed so negative and not hopeful, but now that she is gone I have begun to see that we can create a place that builds our hopes up so much, that when things do hit the fan the fall is greater. I have fallen from a pedestal higher than the heavens back down to Earth and I am learning that reality isn't so bad. Being upset, or accepting that you have been dealt a bad hand is not something that should be frowned down upon, because it is real.

Life is not always going to be perfect. People will upset you and do things to hurt you. You will be disappointed at least once a week in something that you find distasteful. There are no guarantees or happy endings unless you go out there and you make a happy ending for yourself. There will be bumps in the road and you may feel as though you will never get there, but those are a normal part of becoming who you are meant to be. Hope doesn't have to drive your motivation to get there, but the sheer fact that you desire this happiness for yourself. That is how you will get there. I'm working on getting there after my large fall. I was living on a cloud where I viewed everything as beautiful and simple, but things are not this way. Living is hard and we are truly amazing creatures for surviving so well and finding joy in so many things.



Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe