Thursday, October 1, 2009

October has finally graced us with it's prescence.


Words can not even begin to describe how ecstatic I am that it is the month of October. It is the month that I feel most inspired, productive, and excited. It marks only the start of a slow process of death, this death is unusual. It is beautiful and remarkable beyond words. I want to begin this post by apologizing in advance if it seems a bit strange. I had two cups of Kona coffee tonight and that stuff can make one quite hyperactive. Anyways, I feel privileged to be residing in an apartment that not only has a spectacular view of the city, which you can see to the left of the text, but I also live right next to the forest preserve. The lovely leaves have yet to die on me, but I can not wait for their soon to be death. That sounds like such a dreadful description, but it in a sense is true. The leaves are dying during this time, but they are beautiful. I like to think that is how death actually is. One could only hope for a beautiful death after such a complicated, yet wonderful life. Life has been tremendous lately. Though I do feel a bit lonely, because I am alone during the month I love most, I know that I will still take away so much and learn even more about myself during this time. 


I have yet to apple pick and find myself a robust, prison suit orange pumpkin to find and carve into a design which will leave it's beholders in awe. I can not wait to make wonderful creations of fall and cook up cookies, pumpkin pies, apple pies, and applesauce. It makes me as anxious as a little kid waiting to open presents. I haven't written in a while. There is a reason for that. I have just lacked the proper motivation. I am realizing that I need to start to get my life in shape. It really is time that I act on the words that I have built inside of me and start doing. Doing is the key to becoming successful and I intend to become successful, partly because I want to be able to do things for myself. Like get an iphone, flip, and new toshiba laptop! I am too addicted to technology, but I'm not afraid to admit my addictions. I am in love with my masters program yet again! I just think that Speaking Into the Air is probably one of the most delightful books I have ever have the privileged of reading. It is remarkable in so many different ways. I enjoy his dense style of writing and can't seem to get enough. I've already begun my chapters for next week!


I think I have decided to do a thesis, I really believe that it is the decision for me. I am going to begin writing it so that I can have an outline of what I exactly want my project to be. I believe that this masters program has really guided me in the right direction and I have a few people to thank for that. =]. My car is my vessel and my dear friend. I know that sounds silly, but it really is. Butterscotch gives me the freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want. That freedom is truly beautiful, especially during the fall or hard times. I can not begin to describe the rides that I have went on in my car in order to just get away from everyday life and everybody. I sing loudly in my car to let out anger, frustration, or even happiness. I have cried in that car driving, listening to sad songs after a sad event in my life or a break up. I have even shared my car in many of my life experiences with friends and family. It has gone so many places with me and it's always there when no one else is. It even smells pretty like me! I love my Pt Cruiser, because not everyone loves the car and it's a different color than most Pt Cruisers. It's unique, beautiful, and independent.


Someone once said to me "really, I think you’re great in many ways you won’t realize for many years. I hope no man destroys the flower that you are. Girls like you need an army of men to guard you from the evil world we live in." This got me thinking. I suppose I am insecure about myself in some respects. I don't believe my writing is adequate, I often don't feel intelligent enough, I feel as though no one will love my imperfections, but I realize that I need to stop allowing these insecurities to define who I am. In fact, I should embrace some of my insecurities, because they are what make me unique. No one is perfect and as much as you want to believe that you are or there is a perfect person out there, there isn't. That's the reality and truth. I will find my calling someday, for now I am so focused on my studying and am not going to allow others to use my niceness to their advantage anymore. I think it is important to remember that you are beautiful and that you have to live life continuing to remind yourself of that. People will try to bring you down in life, and may be successful but you have to get back up and fight. We go through hard times in order to teach us more about ourselves, and see how strong we really are. I believe that people are capable of whatever they want to do, they just have to be passionate enough about it. I've been asked "what are you passionate about", well last night is a prime example of what I am passionate about. I was laying with someone I'd say I'm pretty close with just staring up at the sky, taking in the crisp autumn air. Laying there with them in silence and just thinking about all the little things in life from philosophy to what I really want and desire is the most beautiful experience ever. Knowing that the other person is probably thinking about something as well makes that much better. I feel that just having another to share the wonderful world with and experience natural beauties with makes things become clearer in this life. I'm not just talking about a romantic partner I'm talking about friends and family. It puts things into perspective about what is truly most beautiful to you.

As we discussed in my Communication Theory class tonight we all have treasure boxes inside of us. We can never really describe these treasures fully because no one will be us, but we are able to express what jewels and golds make us happy. This box allows us to have our own relationship with ourselves and gives us a sense of how we want to express ourselves. I am determined to start living my life to the fullest and allowing myself to find the little pleasures again. I forgot how beautiful the world can be despite all the pain and horror it seems to be surrounded by.






Have a wonderful night my loves.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

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