Goodbye apathy (Kill myself to make everything perfect for you)

What's your vice? You know mines the illusion.

Sometimes I wonder why I try when I am always the bad guy in the end? I feel as though people target me as "evil" and "bad" when I should be considering myself the victim. I'm never the victim though I'm always the wrongdoer and though I try with all that's in me to make others happy my attempts are nothing but failure. I suppose that is why I enjoy writing so much and school so much. Though I could fail my attempts at least count for something and I am never this bad person. I have been sick these past few days in bed alone, and that's just how I feel lately. Alone. I feel like crying in despair, but I'm sick of crying. I'm starting to really fully comprehend the errors I've made in my life, but I feel as though I have not done enough bad to deserve the sort of treatment I have been receiving lately. I'm just glad that some people are out of my life and plan to eliminate more if I must. Not like anyone would really care, it seems like there aren't many people who really care about you. When I think about the people who actually care about my well-being maybe five come to mind and I often wonder if those people actually even care.

I've gone through a lot in my short years of life that I feel have helped define, and shape me into a stronger person who can withstand a lot. However, I also feel as though a lot of the pain I've suffered I haven't deserved. People seem to take advantage of those who have gone through a lot in life. When something happens it's never their fault but my own. I'm sick of taking the blame for virtually everything and kind of just want to be left alone. I think being single and just focusing on enjoying my life right now is what I really need. The more I deal with men the more my problems seem to progress. It's not just men, it's friendships too. A lot of my friends expect so much out of me and they don't even know how much shit I've had to put up with. Right now I have to care about me. If I don't I'll rely on others who have let me down in the past and will probably continue to let me down.

I'm trying hard to be strong right now. Just for my own sake. I don't know if the fever is partly why my head is thinking in such a depressive way. This Thursday if I'm feeling better I'm going to go see a bunch of movies at the theater and just have a little "me" bonding time. I haven't just spent time alone to think about things and enjoy life. I am going to watch where the wild things are and just go back to a time where I was more happy and had less to worry about. I do find happiness in the little things, and I do not blame anyone for things. Shit happens and I don't hold grudges, but I just hate being labeled as the bad person when all I want to do is make people happy and do whatever it takes to keep them in my life. I guess I'm realizing that some people aren't meant to be in your life, and that letting go is often better than holding on. It may seem harder, but at the end of the day it is the right thing and someday I will thank myself for eliminating the negativity in my life.

I really believe that when my time comes everything will fall perfectly in this puzzle of life. The pieces are just having difficulty figuring out where to go just yet, but I know that they will eventually connect and I will see the beautiful picture of the world of Alexis. It's just a matter of time and while I wait I just have to do things for me and not allow other people to let me down. It's easier said than done, but I went to an audition today after throwing up all night and day and went to turn in my assignment. If I can force myself bed to do all of that while sick, when most people would lay in bed, then I think I can capable of almost anything.

Now that looks like a yummy birthday cake. I think that's what I want  instead of a typical cake for my birthday this year. It's hard to believe that soon I will be 22! Ugh. I'm growing older.

This weekends is going to be a Lexy revamping weekend.

Sincerely,

Alexis Zoe