I was unaware that so many of you would be receptive to be reentering the blogging world. I was unaware that so many of you read my blog and found inspiration or anything out of it to say the least. It is really flattering and I always do things with the intention of having some sort of purpose. You're wonderful souls have given my blog purpose and have encouraged me to continue on my prolific journey of using my words to verbalize emotions and the truths of everyday life. The truths in my everyday life at least, we all have compelling stories and experience emotions in so many different ways. My friend Boku left me a comment on my last blog that I will respond to in this blog in hopes you all may hear a piece of the insight he had to share. He said that inside of us are little boxes wrapped up like gifts, but when we open that box we only find another inside. Just when we believe we have unwrapped the box and have gotten to the prize we haven't. This goes back to the analogy used by scholar Hegel on having our own little personal treasure chests inside of our minds. I'm fairly certain I have mentioned this previously seeing as it is my favorite description of understanding others and myself. We are the only owners of the key to our personal treasure chests and we can choose who we want to see some of the treasure, but they can never have that treasure it belongs solely to us. We can share some with others, but we will always hold the box and the key so that is left to our digression.
When I was working throwing boxes at work I normally am miserable on Mondays. Today went by so quickly I could barely recollect where the time went. I suppose my mind was elsewhere... It was on my mother and my thoughts and prayers where with her all day. I know that this life is just part of a bigger plan and that someday things will be better. There won't be all the pain and suffering we experience on Earth. Everything will have seemed so trivial and we will laugh and be with those we love again somewhere much more beautiful than this Earth. Somewhere that takes our breath away and where we can finally be completely us. We don't have to live in fear of being judged, because we are with our creator and with our loved ones in their purest form. I love my family they give me a reason to live on. They give me the support I've always needed. I know that if something should ever happen to any of them they'd want me to continue to prosper no matter what happened. I will. I'm a fighter and my mom has taught me what it really means to fight. She has fought something I could not imagine having. She is my true hero and I though we have our differences I love her more than anything else in this world. Her and my father have given me a good life and all they want is my happiness and I'm starting to realize that they are the people who care about me more than anyone else in this entire world. No one will love me as much as my parents do, especially my mother. She did everything for us and all she ever wanted was to give us love. Last night she called me just to tell me that she couldn't be happier to have a daughter like me. I'm crying thinking about what she said to me, because I'm not perfect but I do try my hardest to make my parents proud and happy. I know I've treated them poorly before when all they want is the best for my life. I love my parents so much and I am the fighter and person I am today because of the wonderful job they did.
I went to dinner with my brother tonight and had a wonderful time just being with him. I'm grateful to have a brother who cares about me so much too. I know that he'd always protect me no matter what happened even if I was wrong. Family never give up on you and always are there and I'm grateful for mine. I may not have a huge family and a ton of people I can turn to, but they people I do have are golden. They are the best I could ever have. Tomorrow I have both of my jobs. The next day I have both of my jobs and school. Normal people would dread such long days, but I'm looking forward to them. I'm being tested of how much strength I have. I have a thesis to finish, PhD applications to get through, conferences to plan for, and so much more responsibility. I am twenty two years young and I am determined to finish this year successfully in everything that I do. Sure it's tough to do all that I do, but I am living proof that you can do it and being happy too.
I'm starting to get more in tune with my emotions I believe... I'm so much more happy just living my own life. I'm not letting things get to me as much anymore, because I'm starting to realize how precious life is and starting to feel that I am worthy of being treated well. I'm not going to surround myself with people who only bring me down anymore. It's not worth my time or agony. If they need my help and come to me seeking help I will provide them with that. I will never turn away someone who is in a time of need regardless of the wrong they may have done. We all need somebody sometimes whether we want to admit that or not. So many people want to just disappear and deal with things alone, but eventually you need someone there for me. Someone who will tell you things will be okay and provide a shoulder to cry on. My friend said that he could almost feel my emotions when he was reading my blog. I want people to feel just as I feel. I have so much sympathy for others. I desire to help more than anything and understand how they feel. With every bad experience I try to help others who are experiencing something similar. We can never understand anyone's story completely, because we do have these presents or treasure chests inside of ourselves but we can make an attempt to show them they are not alone. I wish I could take all the sad, lonely, and hurting people in the world and give them one great big hug. I wish I could make them feel the love that I have been blessed to feel in my life. Some people never get that love or never know it.
I have so much to live for. I have so much love and compassion in my heart and I want the world to feel that love. I want to be me and I am not living in fear any more. I am emotional yes. I get angry, sad, lonely, and just downright depressing at times. I can be dramatic and get jealous I will not deny my faults. I am a beautiful person inside though and all I want is the happiness of those I love. All I ever want is to be me and loved for me and I finally am not afraid to deny the love I have for myself and how grateful I am to be the person I am. I have transformed into a wonderful young lady and I love this world that I live in. Thanks so much for being so wonderful all of you should be proud to be the good people you are <3
<3 you all always and forever,
Alexis Zoe
1 comment:
Readin this blog has brought a feeling of happiness to me. As I read through it I couldn't help but nod and agree to what you are saying. It's as if we walked similiar paths. Maybe not the same path, but at least paths parralell to each other, close enough were we can see the same things but not too close because our paths may change in the future. You talked about some issues and feelings you had for them and I could see and describe them the same way. It's as if you were describing a tree down the path that rests inbetween our paths.
I enjoyed how you mentioned redemption because I feel everyone should have a chance to truly redeem themselves. Who knows, maybe down the road, you'll see them walking beside you.
The part where you mentioned about people not feeling loved really stirs up feelings inside me, often bringing tears to my eyes and in some cases causing me to cry and curse wondering how anyone could get treated in such a way.I read an article last year were a child was beaten and abused until he eventually died. Right after reading that, I lied down in my bed and cryed for an hour. When I stopped, I was in a depressed mood for a few days. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I wanted to live my life as a mute because I had nothing to say to society. Eventually I came back onto the forum where I found the article and I started to read the replies and that's when I realized that I wasn't the only one to be affected by this story. I saw replies of hatred, sympothy, sadness, and basically all the emotions I expirienced when I read the article and that gave me hope again. Your blogs bring an inspiration to people who read it. Someone can always pick out something from your blogs and relate to it.
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