She probably won't even see this blog, but my friend Jocelyn from California sent me a package that had some goodies inside for Halloween. It was the most pleasant surprise! I've never met her, but we "met" ages ago on livejournal and it just amazes me how kind strangers can be. It really made my day. This post, be forewarned, is probably going to be pretty lengthy just because I haven't written in a while and I feel an urge to share a bountiful of updates. Aside from getting candy I've been pretty busy. I've been studying, doing homework, writing, and occupying myself as best as possible. I'm totally ecstatic that Halloween is just a few short days away, even though I won't be doing anything too exciting. Just going to little house parties and enjoying my favorite holiday. Oh and pigging out on my lovely Reese Peanut Butter Cups. I'm going to enjoy every last moment with their peanut buttery goodness, before I go into strict dieting before thanksgiving. Oh the life of a female.
My dear friend Elio reminded me after class that I needed to go to the library. I had told him before class that I intended to do some research in the library on the Salem Witch Trials for my paper I'm writing in my introductory research course. I kind of went book crazy and ended up checking out 6 books, one on interculture studies just because I could and am fascinated in studying cultural studies. With my Salem paper I want to focus in gender primarily and describe how females were targeted due to the puritan mans "power" hungry attitude. I will present some history behind Salem witches, paint a portrait of the "witch", and describe political, economic, and social implications of time and why so many women were transformed into a witch. I want to also end the paper by starting a discussion on how witches still exist today and still have negative, female connotations. Yes, I know super nerd right? I simply can't help the fact that I'm fascinated in research and learning. I feel as though my brain can never obtain enough knowledge and it almost hurts that I will never know everything, I will attempt. Books are so pretty! They are works of art in themselves. My father says that when I write my fiction I paint pictures and am so descriptive. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not. I suppose it depends on the reader and what they prefer. Books remind me of Galena and my antique bookstore I rummage through. I love vintage items and books especially!
Speaking of Galena, it is almost thanksgiving time and I am still completely addicted to everything pumpkin! I always take advantage of the fall and eating far too many pumpkin flavored items. My new addiction has been the pumpkin coffee from Dunkin Doughnuts. I typically prefer Starbucks, but this new coffee flavor Dunkin' has is delightful and I can't seem to get enough! I've only had pumpkin cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory once this fall, but I hope to go again soon! I'm looking forward to attempting to make a pumpkin cheesecake this year. I'm going to be baking a ton in November! I want to make a few pumpkin pies, maybe a few apple pies, pumpkin muffins! Oh it will be glorious. Plus I want to bake for my Communication Theory course, but I'm not sure what people like! So if anyone from Comm theory is reading this give me an idea of what I should bake for class. Doesn't that cheesecake look delightful? Best part of fall has to be pumpkin everything. I'm not considered the pumpkin queen for nothing I suppose.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I plan on having a movie date with myself! Yes, I will bring my peanut butter cups, buy some popcorn, and sit down to a few movies. I haven't seen a lot of movies that I have been dying to see so this is prime opportunity since I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow but kickbox at 7:30. I'm hoping to get in three movies before my class that consist of Paranormal Activity, Where the Wild Things Are, and Saw VI. It should be exciting and I'm actually going to do it tomorrow! I've already made a pact with myself so if I don't I'll juts be bitter and angry for a few days. No one wants that sort of Lexy in their life so I'm not going to allow myself not to see the movies. Aren't those Saw masks fun? I went hysterical when I saw them. I kind of was considering going as a sexy Saw person, but then the mask was far too expensive! Oh well. Next year I'm going all out this year I've been kind of poor and I am in desperate need of a new laptop. I'm a writer/researcher we require vast amounts of memory. Plus HP has not done me justice lately and I'm craving a Toshiba.
So I saw the most adorable little barn/tavern the other day while I was at Randhurst with my father seeing Michael Moores new flick about Capitalism. I absolutely loved the film! I think Michael Moore is brilliant and I don't care how much people seem to dislike him. He isn't afraid to voice his beliefs and opinions and expose things that he feels will do the society good. How could anyone act as though that is a negative thing? Beats me. Anyways, this tavern in Mt. Prospect looks adorable and I want to go in. Those were the decorations in the front, but they were not limited to just that. The barn was also decorated in various different Halloween colors. Naturally my favorite colors are purple and orange so I was in colorful happy light heaven! If anyone would like to go to Mt. Prospect with me and grab a drink and have a night of fun let me know, because my father refused to go in. He said it was too Irish and I needed to stay away from the Irish boys. I suppose that's good advice and so far I've followed it. I've actually been attempting to get into the Jewish dating scene. So far it hasn't been the most successful, but I'm willing to be patient. Besides, right now I'm happy just being on my own and am not really ready to start anything new. I feel like if I continue to look that it will only disappoint me in the end. Lack of expectations for now is the best for me. I enjoy my studies and am a working girl and am just going to enjoy being independent. In the end the only person you really have is yourself and I am pampering and loving myself right now =].
Okay final picture I swear! This post seems to consist of a lot of foods, and these foods seem to be unhealthy so I want to express how healthy I really am! I wait all year for pomegranates to come into season. Yes, I know you're thinking "Lexy why can't you just drink the juice year round. Isn't it too much of a chore to try and suck out all these seeds?" I suppose that's the reason why I love pomegranates so much. They are a challenge and as most of you know I can't resist a good challenge! I already ate one pomegranate and am craving another so I'll probably buy this yummy little bugger tomorrow and enjoy it tomorrow night. See I can be healthy too! Anyways, I'm exhausted and need to be up early. I'm going to stay up after getting up early, clean, and then head to my movies so I need to get some beauty sleep! Hope you all have a wonderful Halloween if I don't post before then =].
I often see people together that I can't even fathom would ever link up. Where did these two souls meet and how ever did they seem to fall so deeply with one another? Then I stop and realize that it isn't always about the beauty on the outside, it isn't the conventional. It is simply the beauty that the other person is able to see. This beauty may not be visible to the world, and that could quite possibly be what makes it so wonderful. Though I long to feel beautiful to someone I'm starting to think that that "special" something isn't always just appearance. I often blame my looks on the reason I have such difficult, negative, and dramatic relationships that I can't seem to cut myself from. Those cords are being cut, because someone will see my beauty and it will radiate far more than anyone else's. I believe that we are all beautiful and I like to see the good in even the most horrid of people. I suppose that is why I end up so hurt and taken advantage of in the end, because I truly believe that there is still good left somewhere in everyone's heart. As a complex thinker, I find that I attempt to logically explain everything in almost every respect. Even in relationships with friends, family, and romantic I attempt to explain what occurs in these relationships. Decipher why they are the way they are. Perhaps the fact that they can never really fully be explained is what makes them truly special. At any moment in your life you are capable of losing someone either physically, emotionally, or due to distance. These occurrences can sometimes be avoided, but not always. The unexplainable is always capable of creeping you up and just when you think you can explain things (remotely fully) everything seems to just become confused yet again. Life is an endless puzzle just challenging you to solve it. I have yet to solve my puzzle, and I'm not sure one is able to fully solve it. All I know is, that pieces will continue to fall into place and even if it is left unsolved the picture will end up beautiful if I make the parts I put together the beautiful picture.
It's 3:06am and I am finally feeling semi-healthy. It is exciting, but I still am not capable of eating very well. I've lost a significant amount of weight that I'm sure I will gain better once I'm fully recovered. Hopefully tomorrow I'm ready to dive into my Reese Peanut Butter Cups that my mother was gracious enough to buy me while I went grocery shopping with her. I have no remorse about pigging out this month or part of next months seeing as I rarely ever do it and we have to spoil ourselves sometimes otherwise we'd go utterly mad. Tonight put my mind more at ease, I had tea and dinner with my best friends and had some nice conversation. I realize I need to make a lot of changes in my life in order to really be satisfied. Waking up earlier and not going to bed in the wee hours of the night is one of them. Another is to clean, and actually keep clean, my room. I also want to begin spending more time with my family and helping more. I feel as though I've lacked the helping hand I once had. Granted I still do help quite a bit, but not as much as I nearly could. Tomorrow I'm going to see some movies I've been dying to see and just get as much done as humanly possible. No bars or shenanigans tomorrow just more adultesque type activities. Goodness I feel as though I'm an old person.
Overall, I'm completely happy with my life. Things could improvement, but then again when is there not room for improvement? That's what makes switching things up a bit that much more exciting =]. Have a lovely, chilly, and gloomy fall weekend Chicago!
Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe
One day you'll realize that the fairytale might beslightlydifferent then you dreamed. The castle, well it maynot be a castle. And it's not so important to behappy everafter, just that it's happy right now.
Sometimes I wonder why I try when I am always the bad guy in the end? I feel as though people target me as "evil" and "bad" when I should be considering myself the victim. I'm never the victim though I'm always the wrongdoer and though I try with all that's in me to make others happy my attempts are nothing but failure. I suppose that is why I enjoy writing so much and school so much. Though I could fail my attempts at least count for something and I am never this bad person. I have been sick these past few days in bed alone, and that's just how I feel lately. Alone. I feel like crying in despair, but I'm sick of crying. I'm starting to really fully comprehend the errors I've made in my life, but I feel as though I have not done enough bad to deserve the sort of treatment I have been receiving lately. I'm just glad that some people are out of my life and plan to eliminate more if I must. Not like anyone would really care, it seems like there aren't many people who really care about you. When I think about the people who actually care about my well-being maybe five come to mind and I often wonder if those people actually even care.
I've gone through a lot in my short years of life that I feel have helped define, and shape me into a stronger person who can withstand a lot. However, I also feel as though a lot of the pain I've suffered I haven't deserved. People seem to take advantage of those who have gone through a lot in life. When something happens it's never their fault but my own. I'm sick of taking the blame for virtually everything and kind of just want to be left alone. I think being single and just focusing on enjoying my life right now is what I really need. The more I deal with men the more my problems seem to progress. It's not just men, it's friendships too. A lot of my friends expect so much out of me and they don't even know how much shit I've had to put up with. Right now I have to care about me. If I don't I'll rely on others who have let me down in the past and will probably continue to let me down.
I'm trying hard to be strong right now. Just for my own sake. I don't know if the fever is partly why my head is thinking in such a depressive way. This Thursday if I'm feeling better I'm going to go see a bunch of movies at the theater and just have a little "me" bonding time. I haven't just spent time alone to think about things and enjoy life. I am going to watch where the wild things are and just go back to a time where I was more happy and had less to worry about. I do find happiness in the little things, and I do not blame anyone for things. Shit happens and I don't hold grudges, but I just hate being labeled as the bad person when all I want to do is make people happy and do whatever it takes to keep them in my life. I guess I'm realizing that some people aren't meant to be in your life, and that letting go is often better than holding on. It may seem harder, but at the end of the day it is the right thing and someday I will thank myself for eliminating the negativity in my life.
I really believe that when my time comes everything will fall perfectly in this puzzle of life. The pieces are just having difficulty figuring out where to go just yet, but I know that they will eventually connect and I will see the beautiful picture of the world of Alexis. It's just a matter of time and while I wait I just have to do things for me and not allow other people to let me down. It's easier said than done, but I went to an audition today after throwing up all night and day and went to turn in my assignment. If I can force myself bed to do all of that while sick, when most people would lay in bed, then I think I can capable of almost anything.
Now that looks like a yummy birthday cake. I think that's what I want instead of a typical cake for my birthday this year. It's hard to believe that soon I will be 22! Ugh. I'm growing older.
This weekends is going to be a Lexy revamping weekend.
If Bloody Mary were to approach me and claim to be more bloody than I, I'm afraid I'd have to argue with her. For currently I am the bloodiest in all the land. Seriously, though I have had a bloody nose for nearly two days now and it seems to be an endless slew of red that just won't fade away. It actually isn't so bad and the only reason I'm saying this is because I don't have that copper-blood like taste lingering on my taste buds. However, it is quite embarrassing to be bleeding all over the place in virtually every single one of your classes. Then everyone always is uncomfortable, and acts as though they are concerned. Speaking of class my courses tonight were so compelling and enlightening! I do need to begin my research though, and I find that people want to see me far too much! I don't have time to see everyone, but one thing is for sure I won't be getting half as much work done for my classes as I had initially anticipated. I suppose that is what tomorrow is for. Catching up and learning more about this process of research. I seem to be having trouble finding exactly what I desire. I have so much I long to write about, but I need to start taking "responsibility" for what I want to accomplish and buckle down. So tomorrow I shall sit in the library and educate and get things done! Until the night time, when I will be going out with my very good friend Ruby. =]
As many of you know I relate music to how I'm feeling. I feel as though lyrics can actually be in tune with what you are feeling within. The new song that I feel relates to my life in general and what I've experienced in life is Snuff by Slipknot. A preview of the lyrics that I am so in tune with.... "So if you love me let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care, I can't destroy what isn't there. Deliver me into my fate, if I'm not alone I can not ache. I don't deserve to have you, oh my smile was taken long ago if I could change I hope I never know." I suppose that reminds me a lot of an ex boyfriend that I have always and will always have feelings for. A part of me would like him to let me go if he truly loves me, but in the same sense I don't want him to let ago. I've become so accustomed to being hurt in relationships, that I don't care anymore. I have become bitter towards love and I feel that this actually cripples me when it comes to developing new ones. "I never claimed to be a saint," as the song states. I am no saint, but I do have desires. I just don't have expectations for those desires to be achieved at least in a relational sense.
The rest of the night I will enjoy cozy in my bed, as I drift to sleep. I came home and made myself a wonderful dinner! I haven't really eaten all day. The last meal I had was at 12pm! Since then it's just been coffee, and coffee isn't much of a dinner. Doesn't my dinner look yummy?!? I'm having some noodles, tomatoes with ranch, spinach/broccoli mix, watermelon, strawberries, and a tiny bit of granola. I find that I have been eating so healthy lately, and can't get off this "health" kick. I always kind of watch what I eat, but lately I have been obsessed with eating all good things. I really try to avoid processed foods. Oh and that bottle is my nifty water bottle. Water is so refreshing I can't quite comprehend why people don't enjoy it. On another note, I intend on seeing Where the Wild Things are at some point this weekend and I don't care if I have to go by myself!
This photo is goofy I know, but is anyone else as excited for Halloween as I am? Tell me all about your fun plans! Anyways, I'm off to enjoy this meal and sleep! Hope you all have a terrific Thursday.
Today is indescribable. I have had some time away from this blog and I find that I have oodles to share, yet I can't seem to formulate it all into text. I got another job that I am excited to begin, though I still would enjoy to find something more I am just happy that I will have money in my pocket. I find it is hard to live life fully without money and I utterly despise that. I do however enjoy looking professional! It makes me feel all powerful and sophisticated. I suppose I want to begin by discussing what we discussed in my class tonight. The professor showed us a documentary on the way in which women are portrayed in marketing. It sickened me, and I am no feminist. All the women (as I already know) are so fake in the media. It made me realize how much I care about my own body. It was said that women genetically aren't all able to be what models look like. The advertisements made fun of eating disorders and made women feel as though they are always imperfect and must do everything in their power to try to achieve this state of "perfection." Men expect this type of perfection out of women, and it's so depressing.
I want to be happy with my own body, but often times I don't feel as though I can. Not in this society at least. I ran 3 miles today, biked 2.5 miles, and lifted for 40 minutes. I've worked out so much in one day that I have become faint and actually ill from "over-doing" myself. I have found myself skipping meals, counting calories religiously, and even suffering from eating disorders myself. I don't believe I should have to do these things and should accept my body for what it is. No matter how much more I work it seems very difficult to get rid of the excess from being fat all those years. I want to believe that someone will love me for who I am and not just for my looks, but it's getting harder and harder to believe. I always believe in staying positive regardless, and I do believe that I am worth a lot more than people seem to treat me.
I've had a very busy schedule lately, and it seems as though it will only become more and more busy at time progresses. I actually had a few cool gigs lately, despite having to stay up for 26 hours straight I got to do some extra work which was super fun! I also had work, the 26 hour straight thing just about killed me and my cold turned from bad to worse. I ended up in bed all weekend and with no phone! My razor finally pooped out on me. It was first only severed and then my father got a hold of it and it became completely decapitated. I already miss it's bright pink self. This new phone I got I'm not too fond of! Well I suppose it requires some getting used to. I really want a touch phone, more specifically an iphone. I know it's a brand and not a big deal, but I would like something with a bunch of little fun applications. I'm sort of a techie so it makes sense that I want something such as the iphone. I also am wanting a flip so I can document funny moments in my life. I kind of wish they had sent me the green, because I prefer green, but the blue is a pretty blue. I suppose it's a boost from the razor, but I'm going to miss my razor. A lot of memories were in and with that phone.
So I am up late, yet again. I intend to wake up early tomorrow though and get a good work out in, clean my room, and finish up my reading. I really need to begin to get on top of things. I never seem to have free time anymore and it's frustrating me! I feel as though I'm falling behind and I can't allow this to happen. "Storm tries to come, and wreck my world no I won't let it." That quote totally describes how I'm feeling right now. I feel like my life has become sort of a storm, but I'm not going to allow the storm to take over. I will fight through the storm and come to a sunny, beautiful day. I just have to fight harder and I know that I will succeed. Things work out for the best in the end, you juts have to have patience and believe. Never give up hoping, because the second you allow that hope to slip away you take a huge step back and just end up in a tornado.
I have so much fallesque stuff I want to still embody myself in. I already painted my nails a lovely dark purple color to match the fall. I still want to do some baking. I think I'll go to the store tomorrow and pick up some baking goods and bake cookies or muffins for my class on Wednesday. Or maybe I'll save it for next Wednesday seeing as I have oh so much to do tomorrow! I also want to make some apple and pumpkin pies! Oh I'm totally excited, and Galena is only one month away! Oh and Where the Wild Things are comes out this Friday and I could not be any more ecstatic for that film! Love it. This post is semi delirious since I am exhausted. I promise a more normal, cohesive post to come in the near future. My dear friend Eugene just seemed to be missing my blog postings, which actually makes me feel special! Goodnight friends.
So I totally have the strangest dreams ever! Not that I'm complaining or anything. It's not like they are nightmares, more just oddities. I suppose very similar to how things in my life can be. Last nights dream consisted of me going to a party with these people off of a dock and next to an island in the middle of Chicago. It was one of the most odd, yet beautiful things to see. I was with three other people that I did not know well. One girl with blond hair and two guys. I had a bunch of pictures of these guys who were African American and I showed this guy saying I was related to some of them and some were my friends. He got angry and fought with me for showing him the pictures saying that I had no right to affiliate with them. It was strange. Anyways, a storm began to roll in and my family came to get me from this party. For some reason or other my dad and I began to fish in the middle of this storm. I was catching a lot of fish which was exciting for me seeing as I never catch more than one or two every time we go. I ended up catching a fish that looks similar to the one pictured on the right. I fell in love with it, had my brother take pictures of it with his phone... I even asked my mother if I could keep it and she refused. The rest if foggy, I just remember the storm was horrid. I wonder what this dream was trying to tell me? I believe that the subconscious tries to inform you of things whilst dreaming.
So I realize that I actually do care about fashion somewhat! I love dressing up and making myself look pretty, even if I have no where to go but school. Last night I decided to do my nails a light shade of pink. I sort of want to do a more fallesque color, but I realized that all the shades I have are some light pink or clear! I think tomorrow or sometime soon I'll stop by Walgreens and pick up a fall color or two. I'm thinking purple, green, or brown. I've been so into brown lately, I'm not sure if it's just because brown goes best with my car and I actually enjoy attempting to match my car, or if it's just because it's a very fall color and I usually wear black or gray.
Starbucks was having a Via tasting challenge this whole entire weekend. Go in, attempt to taste the difference between via and actual brewed Starbucks coffee, and get a free tall coffee. Of course you know I had to go on several different occasions! I realize that I have been spending a bit too much on coffee daily. There was a coupon for a dollar off on the new Starbucks Via coffee. I decided (since it was quick and efficient and cheaper) to go for it and get the coffee. I had some tonight and let me tell you it is fabulous! This is probably the best instant coffee I've ever had and it actually takes like brewed Starbucks! Not only will I be able to have coffee quick at home and on the go, but it is saving my poor dwindling bank account from getting a grande coffee on a daily basis. I enjoyed a cup tonight while enjoying some complex literature thanks to my masters program. I realized tonight how satisfied I am being alone. It isn't imperative to have a relationship at all times. Just sitting on my balcony, watching the sun set, reading some wonderful work, and drinking coffee made my appreciate for life and the little things creep back. In that moment I realized how wonderful life truly is and how much I have to live for and prove to myself.
This post really isn't very exciting. I had a weekend of sickness and it wasn't the most fun ever! Next weekend I hope to not be sick and actually go out and do things as planned. So instead of boring you with more nonsensical stories, I'll leave you with my view.
I have fallen in love with the fall. This weather is perfect, though it was raining and that does not cater very well to my Jewish hair I still appreciated the wonderful scents of autumn. So I finally am actually working a bit. I have two very part time jobs, but I am very excited to be making a couple hundred a month. I got to my goal of having a job that had stable hours, but I still need to find something better. I will continue my search via craiglist and other internet sources. Maybe I'll even pick up the newspaper and do it the good old fashioned way! I have perfected my resume and cover letters now it's just a matter of finding a job that fits me and is high enough paying where I can comfortably move to New York within the next two years. Oh and of course go on a vacation with my girls/boy!
Though I'm not too wild (yes I know others may beg to differ), I really want to go to Vegas. I feel as though I'm one of the only people (other than Jenny) who have not yet been and I've heard only good things about Vegas. Jenny and I discussed going this summer and it seems like a fabulous idea! The only issue is I am going on Birthright, or at least hope to be, this summer. Not only do I intend on going on a Birthright trip, but I also am going to apply to the Ireland study abroad program to see if I could study Media in Ireland for graduate credit. These both aren't definite yet seeing as I'd have to get accepted to go on a Birthright trip and I'd have to get accepted to the Ireland program (if they are still having it). If all that fails I really think a vacation with friends would be in my best interest. I haven't really vacationed anywhere without my parents and I feel this would help to get rid of the "leash" they have with me. They need to realize that I am an adult and if I make enough money to treat myself to a vacation than they just have to accept it. Though I love them, I really believe that they need to let me go at some point. That's part of the reason I'd love to move to New York. That and New York has fabulous fashion and shopping! One of my colleagues in my graduate program told me that "I could be the poster child for Louis Voutinn and that I was adorable."
I am totally excited for this weekend. I'm going to go to a dinner party, go to a haunted house, and possibly even see a movie! Not entirely sure yet, but it will be nice to spend some time with my friends. Shabbat dinner is always one thing to look forward too. I may even try to force my daddy to go apple picking with me this Sunday if time permits and he is not too busy. I really want to make a couple pies! I think I'll save the pumpkin pie for more around November and Thanksgiving time. That way I can give away some pumpkin pies for the holidays =]. That's always fun! I think I'm actually going to attempt to make some vegan yum yum recipes too! Seeing as I'm going grocery shopping with the Mother tomorrow I'm sure she'll let me buy a few things to my hearts desire, as always. On a totally opposite note, is anyone else as excited as I am for Where the Wild Things Are the movie? I adored this book as a child and could not be more excited. I for once feel like a little kid again and it is honestly the most wonderful feeling anymore. Working around kids makes you realize how innocent, wonderful, and curious they are. I wish I could have those little responsibilities again and enjoy tiny little things like seeing movies. I mean I kind of do so I suppose I am a kid at heart. I think embracing your youth is important. We can't all be serious adults all the time or we'd go nuts. It's like what was said in step brothers "don't stop being your dinosaur" or something to that nature. You begin to realize you allow yourself to be so consumed with things and forget to take a step back and just enjoy.
This photo reminded me of my lonely bicycle in the basement. I haven't been a bike ride in a while, hopefully the weather is decent tomorrow so I can ride a few miles. It would be wonderful, because I do miss my bike so. I'm going to attempt to clean my room a bit, read, and then pass out. I have a very busy day tomorrow and have to be up around 8am! I hope to get a lot done before Shabbat. I also hope that this forcing myself awake will cause my sleep schedule to become a bit more "normal". Staying up until all hours is not helping my cause!
Words can not even begin to describe how ecstatic I am that it is the month of October. It is the month that I feel most inspired, productive, and excited. It marks only the start of a slow process of death, this death is unusual. It is beautiful and remarkable beyond words. I want to begin this post by apologizing in advance if it seems a bit strange. I had two cups of Kona coffee tonight and that stuff can make one quite hyperactive. Anyways, I feel privileged to be residing in an apartment that not only has a spectacular view of the city, which you can see to the left of the text, but I also live right next to the forest preserve. The lovely leaves have yet to die on me, but I can not wait for their soon to be death. That sounds like such a dreadful description, but it in a sense is true. The leaves are dying during this time, but they are beautiful. I like to think that is how death actually is. One could only hope for a beautiful death after such a complicated, yet wonderful life. Life has been tremendous lately. Though I do feel a bit lonely, because I am alone during the month I love most, I know that I will still take away so much and learn even more about myself during this time.
I have yet to apple pick and find myself a robust, prison suit orange pumpkin to find and carve into a design which will leave it's beholders in awe. I can not wait to make wonderful creations of fall and cook up cookies, pumpkin pies, apple pies, and applesauce. It makes me as anxious as a little kid waiting to open presents. I haven't written in a while. There is a reason for that. I have just lacked the proper motivation. I am realizing that I need to start to get my life in shape. It really is time that I act on the words that I have built inside of me and start doing. Doing is the key to becoming successful and I intend to become successful, partly because I want to be able to do things for myself. Like get an iphone, flip, and new toshiba laptop! I am too addicted to technology, but I'm not afraid to admit my addictions. I am in love with my masters program yet again! I just think that Speaking Into the Air is probably one of the most delightful books I have ever have the privileged of reading. It is remarkable in so many different ways. I enjoy his dense style of writing and can't seem to get enough. I've already begun my chapters for next week!
I think I have decided to do a thesis, I really believe that it is the decision for me. I am going to begin writing it so that I can have an outline of what I exactly want my project to be. I believe that this masters program has really guided me in the right direction and I have a few people to thank for that. =]. My car is my vessel and my dear friend. I know that sounds silly, but it really is. Butterscotch gives me the freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want. That freedom is truly beautiful, especially during the fall or hard times. I can not begin to describe the rides that I have went on in my car in order to just get away from everyday life and everybody. I sing loudly in my car to let out anger, frustration, or even happiness. I have cried in that car driving, listening to sad songs after a sad event in my life or a break up. I have even shared my car in many of my life experiences with friends and family. It has gone so many places with me and it's always there when no one else is. It even smells pretty like me! I love my Pt Cruiser, because not everyone loves the car and it's a different color than most Pt Cruisers. It's unique, beautiful, and independent.
Someone once said to me "really, I think you’re great in many ways you won’t realize for many years. I hope no man destroys the flower that you are. Girls like you need an army of men to guard you from the evil world we live in." This got me thinking. I suppose I am insecure about myself in some respects. I don't believe my writing is adequate, I often don't feel intelligent enough, I feel as though no one will love my imperfections, but I realize that I need to stop allowing these insecurities to define who I am. In fact, I should embrace some of my insecurities, because they are what make me unique. No one is perfect and as much as you want to believe that you are or there is a perfect person out there, there isn't. That's the reality and truth. I will find my calling someday, for now I am so focused on my studying and am not going to allow others to use my niceness to their advantage anymore. I think it is important to remember that you are beautiful and that you have to live life continuing to remind yourself of that. People will try to bring you down in life, and may be successful but you have to get back up and fight. We go through hard times in order to teach us more about ourselves, and see how strong we really are. I believe that people are capable of whatever they want to do, they just have to be passionate enough about it. I've been asked "what are you passionate about", well last night is a prime example of what I am passionate about. I was laying with someone I'd say I'm pretty close with just staring up at the sky, taking in the crisp autumn air. Laying there with them in silence and just thinking about all the little things in life from philosophy to what I really want and desire is the most beautiful experience ever. Knowing that the other person is probably thinking about something as well makes that much better. I feel that just having another to share the wonderful world with and experience natural beauties with makes things become clearer in this life. I'm not just talking about a romantic partner I'm talking about friends and family. It puts things into perspective about what is truly most beautiful to you.
As we discussed in my Communication Theory class tonight we all have treasure boxes inside of us. We can never really describe these treasures fully because no one will be us, but we are able to express what jewels and golds make us happy. This box allows us to have our own relationship with ourselves and gives us a sense of how we want to express ourselves. I am determined to start living my life to the fullest and allowing myself to find the little pleasures again. I forgot how beautiful the world can be despite all the pain and horror it seems to be surrounded by.
