You're too hard on yourself.

As I progressively mature and become more responsible I learn much more about the person that I am. I was rereading old blog posts of mine and as I re-read I am almost rebooted back to factory mode and become more in tune with the person I long to be. As I have stated in previous blogs I am looking to solve a complex puzzle that is life, but it is not easily solved. I have solved much more of the puzzle since last year, but have also been completely and utterly confused by some pieces of this puzzle. Each time I complete a section of the puzzle I become thrilled with my progress and am determined to continue on. Other times I become utterly lost and feel desolate and alone as if this puzzle is not worth finishing. I have come to accept that my puzzle resembles something of a Tim Burton movie and that much of the time I am the only one who can see it's beauty. It's a puzzle that often is difficult to make sense of, but it is a one of a kind something only people with an acquired taste can appreciate.

The thought of going out late at night and sitting under the stars at the edge of a cornfield entices me more than it should. The cool breeze and kicking off my shoes squishing my toes in between the damp and soft grass makes my heart pitter patter. I love the Midwest and I love nature. We often forget how precious our lives are due to the zombie shuffle we take a part of everyday. Our routine becomes our life and we forget to live, but just accept as real living. Real living isn't being that zombie, I'm afraid I have recently become just that. As I sit on the train surrounded by thousands of people I watch people get off and miserably stumble to where they need to be. I rarely see a smile and I wonder what happened to the world. What happened to being happy? What happened to smiling to yourself on the train while listening to some beautiful tune on your ipod or looking outside at the incredible city you live in and being happy you're alive and that you have what you do? When I do encounter somebody who is happy I feed off of their happiness. It reminds me that there is hope for the world. Every small delicate thing in life makes me have a strong appreciation for my life.

"You're life is heavy." "You're way too hard on yourself." "You don't have to help the world Alexis." "You're way too nice." "You wear your heart on your sleeve."

How very silly it seems that people believe that being too nice and helping the world is a bad thing. It's quite perplexing that the notion of wearing your heart on your sleeve should be outlawed. As teenagers we are socialized to not speak of our emotions, but deal with conflict and problems other ways. Aggression, success, activities, procedure that is what we are taught are important. We must structure our lives we must not show others our weaknesses or too much of ourselves. We become socialized to be what is deemed to be socially "normal" though normalcy ceases to exist due to the complexities of humans and culture. My mother was always warm and loving to me and thus I became warm and loving. I love her for being like this to me, though she now refutes being warm and loving and tells me that people just "don't like that kind of behavior." I have to be emotional, but not too emotional for if I am deemed too nice I'm setting myself up for failure.

Does failure really lie in this quality? Perhaps this is why the statement that I am too hard on myself comes up so normal in my social life amongst friends. I'm constantly searching for a way to fit into this "normal" way of living. I want (and have always wanted) to just be considered normal. I was the target in high school I'm not afraid to admit I was picked on. I'm not afraid to admit that though I smiled and acted as though I was happy and cool with the bullying that it broke my heart on a daily basis. That I'd go home and cry to myself and wonder what was so wrong with me. Was I really that different? I struggled to be myself for an extremely long period of time. Unsure of how to get the other kids to view me as normal and cool to talk to and invite out. When I met Matt and Vivian I found people who were different like me and who accepted me for who I was fat or skinny, crybaby or happybaby, and different for conformed. Life is about holding on to those who accept you and are there for you no matter what in life.

We must all learn to accept that trials are a part of life. Yes my life is heavy. My mother is in stage four cancer and before this I have had my share of trials, but there are others who suffer even more trials than I have and still get through it. It's not about how terrible or how many trials you have in life it is how capable you are facing them. How you get through all of these hardships is how your life will turn out. I'm not ready to give up on being who I am. I'm not perfect, but we aren't built to be perfect. We are imperfect creatures who are constantly striving to be perfect and that is what drives us to turn into the unique and beautiful people we are. To answer those who tell me it is an impossibility to help the world I laugh in their face. Every time you are sad or feel as though you have nothing left the lord is there for you letting you cry to him. I do not take a break from attempting to help others. If you can do just one nice thing for someone it can be your family, friends, or even a stranger I believe that you have the ability to bring them a smile a split second of happiness in this gray world. If you can help those who you can sympathize with who are hard on themselves because they are striving to fit this defined "normalcy" role and let them know that they are perfect the way that they are then you could quite possibly change their mind and let them know it's okay to be the person they are.

The sooner we stop judging others and love people for who they are and accept their flaws is the day that the world will be happy again. We must remember that we are all different, but we share one home the earth. If we go outside and look at the stars remember we all see the same stars. We all share the same sun. We are connected by our home. We all need water to be alive and we all breath the same air. We share so much that we take for granted every day. I am blessed to be alive. I am really grateful that I have had a mother who loves me more than anyone else could ever love me in this life. I have a Dad who is my best friend and who understands me on so many levels. My brother would do anything for me and just wants my happiness. My friends love me no matter how much I screw up or how difficult I can be to deal with. I have met so many others whether they exited my life or remained that have helped me learn a little bit more about myself each and every day. The good have helped to reinforce my optimism for the world and the bad have helped to teach me a valuable lesson about myself.

What I want to end this blog with is a reminder and a plead to please never stop trying to complete that puzzle even if you get near the end and never finish it. Always work at it because life is a life long lesson and a life long game. We aren't meant to understand it all otherwise we wouldn't be here and our lives would be meaningless. Embrace the fact that you can't explain everything and accept you for who you are. Don't let others define you or change who you are. Those who love you and who are willing to learn about you are the people who will be there and care about you in life. Don't take that for granted and don't ever forget how beautiful the little things are. Smell the roses and sit laying at the cloud patterns. Enjoy the fact that others around the world have done or are doing the same thing you are. Recognize that we aren't the same, but if we were life would be boring and trivial. Keep challenging yourself to get that part of the puzzle done and don't just go to the easy section you could be missing out on one of the most beautiful sections of that puzzle.

Love you all. Stay strong and be safe in this life. I pray for the world.

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe

I need a log cabin right now and wilderness.

My body is physically drifting from me and so is my mind. I have to admit that I am losing right now. Maybe it's just the fever or over exhaustion quite frankly I can't pinpoint what is causing my distress as of today, but I have forgotten what real sleep and real rest actually is. I try so hard to put on a tough I'm a Chicago girl who can deal with anything. Look at me I'm intelligent, I'm working, I'm independent, I don't need anyone to survive, and I most certainly am not a weak person. I'm not I put up a facade. I've been arguing with everyone lately it's my way of pushing people away. Lately I just feel really alone. I'm dealing with a lot of heavy things on my own right now I try to confide in people, but they don't want to hear it. I know it's heavy I know nobody wants to listen to the debbie downer. I need my friends there I want to tell them my fears I miss them. I miss them so much and I miss my family and I miss everything. I miss my life the way it used to be I was so happy and so carefree and now I'm forced to have aged to my 40's and take care of everything. When I go out I enjoy myself, but I'm thinking of my responsibilities back here.  I have to fake happy I have to be everyone's idea of the Lexy they know. I'm not allowed to be sad, I'm not allowed to feel normal human emotion. I'm sick of it. I want to cry. I want to tell the world that I feel broken. I want someone to be there to just frickin listen to me talk about my worries with my mom. When people ask me what my thesis is I proudly tell them that it's about how young adults disclose their parents cancer diagnosis. I say it openly and never hesitate because it's my way of letting it out. My thesis is my way of telling everyone how this cancer has effected my life. I have been surrounded by the wretched disease my entire life, but now it's going to rob me of my mother. I want my mom to meet my kids and to be there for my wedding. She would be the best grandmother and she could tell me what I'm doing wrong with the baby. I want her to give me advice and argue with her when I think she is wrong only to find out she was really right. I want to hear her life stories and go through my midlife crisis with her there to calm me down. I am having trouble accepting that.

Speaking with others who have had to deal with this cancer bull at my age and coping with possibly losing their parents or who have lost them really made me see that I'm not crazy. That it is normal to experience the feelings that I am. I am not alone. My writing brings me comfort I want to help people who have to deal with this. I want people to not feel alone like how I did for a long time. I want them to know that if people cut you out of their life because you're dealing with heavy things that they don't really care and that they aren't worth your time. It's hard to remember that when everything seems to be caving in around you and you can't deal with losing more people in your life. I really have come to appreciate the people I do have and the people who show genuine concern for me. The honest truth right now is that I want to run away. I thought I wanted to go away to school because of other reasons, but now I'm realizing the real reason. I want to run away from all these problems. I just want to be alone and somewhere where I don't have to deal with anything. I wish I could be in a log cabin now like Thoreau just writing, reading, and enjoying the wilderness. I just want to be away and free. Where I can work on myself and focus on me and not have to worry about other people constantly. There's a lot I have to think about for my future and I'm starting to think about my options and take into consideration all the advice that has been given to me.

It hurts to think that you could make a wrong decision in life or a fantastic one. I guess you just have to take that leap of faith and trust that everything will work out in the end. I'm sick today, but I think I'm going to go sit outside wrapped in a blanket and enjoy the fall weather and read. I really need to clear my head and be free. I want to be free so bad and not cry anymore. Time to try and get through these emotions again. I study emotion so heavily yet I can not tame my own. I suppose I should know that there is no prescriptive way to define how we take care of our emotions or how we seek help. Scholars argue so frivolously amongst themselves about what is the "right" way to do such things, but I don't believe that we can. I believe that we could just become more in tune with our emotions, but sometimes they will run ramped. Have a nice week all.

Love you.

My kind of town Chicago is.

Whenever I hear people speak of Chicago who are tourists it always makes me chuckle a bit, because I can't imagine what Chicago must look like for those seeing it for the first time. I live amongst 9 million individuals some have spent their entire lives here others have immigrated or moved to this magnificent city (we do have magnificent mile after all here). I have lived here my entire life. I guess I always took advantage of the fact that I reside in such a marveled and beloved city to this country. New York and LA may have more numbers than us, but Chicago is a clean and beautiful city full of decent people. We are the infamous gangstas' of this country and we are proud to be Chicagoans. I realized today that I'm just about as Chicago as Chicago can get. I suppose I embody this city and what we stand for. No, I don't embody the silly little corrupt government aspect, but I reflect other pieces of it.

Like any typical major city there is a dire need to be fashionable. I enjoy flashy things and love to keep up with fashion styles. You don't need a ton of money to look good either! I can craft an outfit with accessories for super cheap thanks to target and other. I absolutely love staying busy and love the rush of the city. I feel like people in Chicago (not all), but many are go getters. We take pride in hard work and I'm certainty not afraid to work hard. I work two jobs and am going for a masters, but not to torture myself. To prove to myself that I capable and I can work hard. I'm no gangsta, but here in Chicago we have so many sub cultures! One that I feel close with is the punk culture (especially Irish Punk). As a teenager I was lost without my music and concerts and seeing local bands just made my heart melt. When I was in Arizona at the Street Dogs concert and Flatfoot 56 it was crazy to see how different people act there vs. here in Chicago. At punk shows here we like to beat on each other and go crazy at concerts. One minute there's a huge pit and the next amazing grace is playing and we are arm in arm enjoying life with one another. I just love how diverse this city is. Sure sometimes I wonder why my parents would want to raise a family in such an overpriced, crazy, busy, and hectic city! Then I think about it and I see tourists and their awe of the city and I remember my awe's when I was a little girl going to the aquarium with my parents and walking along lake shore drive looking at the skyline. I imagine that is why people struggle in New York and L.A. We are proud of our cities and remember our awe's so the suffering at times is worth it.

People also assume that because I am a city girl I am afraid to enjoy the simple things in life that I am a materialistic stuck up little creature. This is so far from the truth. I am not stuck up, I will not judge you, and I love all people. I am not afraid to get rugid and dirty. I love the outdoors and camping. My dad and I were sitting sipping on our nice hot drinks during this fall weather and discussing life per usual. I expressed my need to have a man who isn't afraid of the outdoors and who frequents being outside and camping. I love camping and being one with nature. Industrialization I believe made us forget to appreciate how beautiful this world is and how blessed we are to have Earth. My cute friend chuckled at me the other night and said that I was an environmentalist. It's kind of true. We are slowly destroying the gift that has been given to us. This is our home and we need to respect it. I also love fishing and I love living in the Midwest. For those who believe the Midwest is flat this is untrue! Sure we don't have mountains, but we have hills that are gorgeous. We have so much water here in the Midwest and it's fresh! None of that salty stuff that makes you feel weird after swimming in it and there's no sharks! We are the farming capital here and our cornfields are the coolest part of having fall and a harvest.

This fall has been incredible thus far I have no idea where I am going with this post quite honestly. Just a need to vent on my love for Chicago. I've been doing what I want to lately and it feels great. I think it's what I have needed for myself. I need to learn to do things for myself and not listen to others. I have lived in fear and really limited myself for the past couple years. I could blame someone else for all the submissive behavior I have grown accustomed too, but that would be unfair because ultimately it has been me who has limited myself. Sure, we are influenced by others and what occurs in our lives I acknowledge this. As someone who frivolously studies communication and human behavior I understand just how influential socialization is on our everyday experience and our personal growth in life. Though I respect and acknowledge this I realize just the person I have become.

"Women must make a name for themselves if we do not fight to do so we will never be taken seriously. Men believe that they can outwit us, out exert themselves, and outdo us in nearly everything. Women are just as capable if not more capable. We must suffer great pains and we have the ability to give birth. We see the world through an emotional lens and often hurt just as much as those that are hurting. Women are the definition of strength and for men to denounce that and objectify us we allow them to control our strength. They fear us this is why they ultimately suppress our voices. This is why when women began to stand up for themselevs they were deemed witches and killed of. This is why in modern day women are seen as nothing more than sexual objects that are easily manipulated. This is why young girls feel like they HAVE to have a boyfriend and without one they are nothing. Little do they know they are something. They are a force that is to be reckoned with and if given the chance they could do such great things."

Part of one of my feminist rants... Yes that is my writing. I do believe this and I do believe that behind every great man there is a great woman. Look at Eleanor Roosevelt (my personal hero) her husband was a wonderful man who did so many great things for this country, but she was just as great if not more great. She is an example that all women should follow. We need not be afraid to say we are feminist and that we believe in women's rights and equality. We should not believe that sex will sell us. These pop stars sicken me, because they are brainwashing our youth into believing they need to be a certain way to be accepted by men. Not all men are like this women. For everyone don't be afraid of being who you are and loving the person you are. If you don't love yourself no one will and if you don't work everyday to better yourself you won't be a better person. You are in control of your own life. You can do as you wish and you need to. Live life how you wish to live it because you only get one chance here on Earth. Enjoy the beautiful world and the simple things. Don't say no all the time (take the movie yes man as an example) try new things you wouldn't normally try and experience. You might be surprised how much you discover about yourself.

Love always,
The girl of random rants Alexis Zoe

If you have faith you will never be alone.

Childhood Lexy: "Mom, I want to go to synagogue. I want to learn about our people and I want to have a connection with g-d"

Needless to say any mother would be flabbergasted by their young girl actually wanting to attend synagogue and go to Sunday school. My mother had no intention of sending my brother and I just kind of weaseled her into letting us go. I went for several years and enjoyed my experience there thoroughly except for the whole getting along with other young Jewish kids. When I felt excluded or left out I always remembered that I was not there to please them, but to strengthen my relationship with the lord. For a long time praying and being religious brought me peace. It made me believe that everything would be okay and I grew stronger because of my faith. People often believe that seeing is believing, but sometimes you can have the most powerful and most brilliant revelations from that which you can not see. Now more than ever I have been turning to prayer and seeking guidance.

This month is Cancer month and Bullying month two things that hold very dear to my heart. There are things I will not admit publicly on this blog, but I have had my share with both. As most of you probably already know my mother is ill with cancer. Each day is a struggle to accept that she has this awful disease that I have lost so many loved ones to. What most of you may not know is that I was bullied heavily during my middle school and high school years. I have been reading this book and I could definitely be classified as the target. I was humiliated, lacked a substantial amount of friends, and often would sit by myself reading ignoring the ridiculing of other children. I look back on it now and bump into the kids who bullied me from time to time and am not horrid to them. In fact I smile and openly speak about how I have been if they inquire. I try not to hold too many grudges, because life is too short. We can't change the past, but if they knew the torment they put me through they would in my shoes most likely not even want to see my face. Now that I am older I see how trivial that life is, but there are still so many young people who must face bullying and hardships everyday, which saddens me. I wish more than anything that I could lift their spirits and give them big hugs. Let them all know they are special, unique, and will have better lives.

When I was in high school I was deemed a retard lover and a fat ass. My nickname wasn't something cute and people certainly did not call me sexy lexy (at least not give me a compliment). I was whale, Waters, anything but something positive. I barely even fit in with my drama folks, which was the only positive thing I had going for me in high school. I sat with the mentally disabled not because I wanted to put a target on my back and make a statement. I sat with them because I had genuine interest in their well being. I saw them as people and could not believe that some kids could make fun of someone who has no control over what they were born with. It was the most rewarding experience that I had in high school sitting with those kids. I learned so much from them that I would never have if I hadn't been bold and given myself the opportunity of getting to know them.

Today people are still so consumed with self image regardless of where they are or what age. It seems people often have to put on a fake face in order to be deemed normal or acceptable by society. We shut ourselves in this little cage of our own world and become ignorant to others in the world. Lately I have opened myself up to more than just my own religion not because I think my religion is wrong it still is a deep beautiful part of who I am and is something that has gotten me through so many rough patches, but because I want to see what is out there. I want to understand why we have such dichotomous viewpoints on religion and why we can't attempt to understand others. Yes, often we are pretty set our beliefs but I don't believe that is a harm in getting to know everyone. We are all children of g-d and we need to learn to accept others and not judge. I don't judge anyone... not even the horrid people who commit horrid crimes. It is not my place to judge, but the lords for what they have done. That is extremely difficult for me to say, because it hits so close to home and is such a hard topic for me to speak of.

Tears are coming again. I have cried a lot lately and for a bit I began to think that there was something incredibly wrong with me. I began to question my sanity, whether I was just an emo depressed bi polar person who needed to see somebody when I felt the compelling urge to cry. I prayed, I read, I surrounded myself with nothing but things I loved and adored. I used those confused and fearful feelings and used them to make myself a more proactive, productive individual. I accomplished so much today despite my somewhat bad news and previous negative attitude. I cried today and even had a brawl with my Father who I wish knew how much I love him. Then it hit me while I was sitting there in my vehicle crying my eyes out. It is OKAY to cry. The lord does not punish you for tears. In fact, tears should exist if that is a part of who you are if that makes you feel better. It's much better to cry then to go out and do something irrational. It's healthy to let our your pain in a physical way. Tears to me now are beautiful (obviously I don't want to cry all the time), but tears show your vulnerability. They let you express your sadness and help you to feel better. Why wouldn't you feel blessed to be able to cry?

I am going through a whirl of emotions now. I think I have finally found out what I truly want and what I have been missing. I love my family. I love the people they all are and I love all they have done. My mother is my hero and despite her thoughts that I am not fond of her she is my favorite person in this entire world. She is the definition of what true strength is and I just want her to know that everyday I have her I feel so privileged to have had such an amazing mother and such an amazing example of what a woman should be. I love Chicago Illinois. I do often crave something new and want to see the world. I'm 22 years young and I have an entire life ahead of me to see all the beauty and experience living in other places, but for now I am happy where I am. I need to be where I am and I want to thank everyone in my life for being the wonderful people that they are. I'm starting to learn to not take for granted the people who really love you, because once they are gone that's it. It's hard to find that in every person you meet and I have been so lucky to have my family and friends. They are my lifeline. I can be Lexy around them and not be afraid to cry, or laugh my silly laugh, or rant like a dork on nonsensical topics, or just be the goofy person I am.

<3 always,
Alexis Zoe

That's Heavy.

Forgive me my dear darling blog for I have forgotten your existence temporarily and now will make more effort to writing at least once a week instead of going nearly a month. I'm sure that you don't have a tremendously large amount of readers, but that doesn't matter. What matters is this blog has the ability to create a substantial revision of my world in order to create a more positive and motivated me. I have so much to share in this short little blog (well it virtually could be a novel if I so choose, but I won't bore you all with all the exciting details of my life). I suppose I will start with the most recent and go backwards. Most people would chose to start with the old stuff and then move onto the new, but I am daring to be different today. Yesterday I woke up and instantly had this positive "I'm happy" kind of feeling. I went to my first job after only sleeping for one hour and threw boxes more quickly than usual and smiled as doing so. I typically go home after work and get at least a 2 hour nap before I have to go into my second job, but today I decided that I was not tired and could run on 1 hour of sleep for my impending long day. I went to breakfast with my father and paid. I figured he was struggling and it'd be nice to treat him and just spend time with him. After rushing home trying to nap for a small amount and then showering and getting ready for work I smiled and was excited to go to work and be productive.

 I took with my new dollar wall calender I found at Micheal's that's super cute and hung it on my wall writing out all of my plans and deadlines so that I would actually complete everything instead of "getting to it later" which inevitably ends with me freaking out and feeling terrible that I was unable to complete what I need to (like a submission for central states conference which I will now be unable to attend and am feeling bummed about it). I was listening to some hymns and inspirational music, getting all my work done, and even had some time for myself until I realized my wallet was missing and that I would be unable to eat anything for 24 hours on top of having no sleep. I called my father in a frenzy attempting to keep my positive attitude and convincing myself that the wallet was no big deal and that I could just pig out when I got home. I caved and ended up having a terrible rest of the day. My father and I sort of had a fall out and I felt like a terrible hellion sent girl who deserved nothing but to be under a rock somewhere away from society where I could not make mistakes or upset people. My boss gave me a ton of work to check over at 5:30 (after my shift mind you) and stayed there until 6 on the dot so I was unable to print my articles and I was late for meeting with my friend. I went to class in a sulky mood.

"That's heavy," seemed to be the theme for last night. Social support was our topic, which ironically enough made me feel even worse. It took a great deal for me to hold in the tears. The most easily related topic to social support that I continued to discuss was my thesis on young adults disclosing their parents advanced cancer diagnosis. As I related my project and spoke about my findings I began to feel myself defending those people in an attempt to defend myself. In an attempt to defend every person out there who is alone and in an experience that is extremely difficult to relate to. When you find someone who has a parent with cancer it's almost this sick excitement that you have someone who knows... Who feels your pain. Somebody in class spoke about her father and how the experience was different as a child. It is for that reason that I am focusing on people in my age group of 18-25. These individuals are desperately trying to break into adulthood and be independent and start their own lives. It becomes extremely difficult to start anything when you have a sick parent and I think my way of dealing with it is running away. I'm starting to realize that in my pain and agony I have built a structured life so that I am not here and that I have something else to "complain" about. My life is heavy. I don't have a therapist. I don't have a social network I can talk to about my pain. I'm often deemed to be debbie downer at any attempt to self disclose my problems.

I am forever grateful for my friend Nicole. She has no idea how much she does for me during our weekly after class talks. I'm afraid of sharing with her how I feel and my life because I'm used to people just kind of abandoning me in times of need or judging me. Not wanting to listen to the heavy, because it is after all grim and depressing. Social support has taught me just how complicated and difficult it is to give adequate social support. It seems most don't want to provide this type of support or don't know how to effectively. We attempt to define how it should be, but we fail to realize that each person is different and that each situation or need to deal with the distress is complex and intricate. She suggested I see somebody and was concerned with me not having anyone to talk with about everything. She made me feel as though there wasn't anything wrong with me and that it was completely normal to be upset in a situation like mine. When I got in my car to call Johnny back I just burst into tears. His phone was off and then I just balled more. Alone. Always alone. I can't speak to people about things. I'm heavy. I didn't know how I was going to drive home in my state of mind. I blasted Radical Face and weeped the entire way home. I wanted to scream and shout and tell the world that I was in pain and I had legitimate reasons to be. I wanted to tell them that I didn't want to plan for my mothers death. I didn't want to have to feel bad about going for a PhD and that I didn't feel intelligent enough. I wanted to tell them that I needed a hug, that all I really wanted was someone to give me a hug and say it's okay Lexy you're a strong person. Reconfirm that it was silly for me to be crying. Tell me that my discourse was fascinating and only built character. That my rhetorical self was really quite perplexing. I am something to be reckoned with.

I came home crying to a mother who was curious and a brother who was I think confused. I miss my house that we lost. I grew up in that house and I know it's just a house, but it was taken from us. We didn't want to get rid of it yet. My mother is ill and I'm having trouble accepting that. I want to succeed and travel in life, but I have to work two jobs to have any kind of money and working so much is hard, even on me. I feel worried about my thesis and about being accepted into a PhD program. I miss my happy place, the carefree me.

To lighten the mood I was in Arizona last weekend, which was a fun time. I love going to visit my boyfriend because it gives me something to look forward to and it's nice to get away from all the chaos here in Chicago for a little while. I went there for a family reunion. I already loved his brothers family and his mother so I was sure I would love the rest of the family, which I ended up falling in love with. I never had a huge family most of my moms family is scattered or passed away when I was young and I'm not the most fond of my fathers side. I miss my grandparents on my mothers side, my great aunt, and then my fathers great grandparents. If they were all still here I think I'd be more satisfied with my family, but for now I really only feel like I have my mother, brother, and father. Anyways, his family was wonderful. I was super nervous to meet them and nearly had an anxiety attack the first night. It's hard for me to be put in social settings (despite my apparent confidence and study of human communication). I suppose when you want to impress people you have a different mindset going into the situation. I had a lot of fun with them and am so glad that they let me come and meet them all! They made me feel right at home and were the nicest most fun people I have met in a long while. Next time I won't be so shy and I actually opened up a lot.

Time with Johnny is always fun it's really hard for me to not have someone physically there with me. I'm kind of a needy person when it comes to affection and I'm not afraid to admit that. I love having people to hug. Hugging is like my favorite past time. Going home to not that much affection kind of bums me out. I can hug my dad, but there's only so many times I can do that without it being borderline creepy (at least in public) lol! I also have trouble going to the airport and sitting there for hours thinking that's time I could spend with him and having to say goodbye. I'm not good at goodbye's ever. I put my sunglasses on in the airport and cried a bit by myself until I began to read Queen Bees and Wannabees that Bri was so sweet to let me borrow. It helped get my mind off the situation.

Other than all of this I suppose I have been just doing what I typically do. Being a full time employee and full time student. Taking care of what I can with my family and enjoying living. The other weekend my father and I went apple picking which was super fun. I love autumn and everything it has to offer. I am so excited to be going to Galena soon with the family and just enjoying my family and this gorgeous weather here in Illinois. Though my state is somewhat corrupt and full of debt it is a beautiful place both the city and the country.Since this blog has become I novel I shall end it here. If you read this I commend you.

<3 AlexisZoe