Perhaps...

Perhaps I'm soul searching in the wrong areas. Perhaps I am so uncertain because the intention of life is uncertainty. Perhaps I am struggling because I fear the future and so putting of future endeavors will cause this fear to subside slightly in time until it is absolutely quintessential that I make some form of a decision. Perhaps my expectations ARE too high despite my claims of having little to no expectations. Perhaps... Perhaps....

My last hour of work yesterday after being up over 24 hours with just one 1 hour nap left me drained. Both jobs required so much work I didn't think I'd make it. I thought for sure I'd be like a little lifeless piece of matter attempting to look coherent during class. The whole fun part of last night was that I was required to do a reading response and I honestly felt as though my response would fall short. Class astounds me. When sitting in class I am able to be recovered to fully charged. My life slowly creeps back into that little form of matter attempting to blend in with it's environment to something vibrant and bold longing to be heard. My reading response was so riveting and I was so satisfied with what direction my questions went. My professor said that we often get off track, but sometimes those are the best classes.

I find those to be the best classes. After class me and one of the most amazing friends I've had (Nicole) were walking to our cars just discussing. We always get on the topic of boys somehow and I realized something that is essential to my existence. Love. Perhaps the most important thing other than academics in my life is falling in love, being in love, and retaining love. I claim that I am independent, a feminist, somebody who laughs in the face of men. Somebody who is constantly trying to prove myself as a woman in this male dominated world. Somebody who will work a physical labor job and try to out throw the men to prove something. To prove that I am not merely a little girl who is incapable of anything somewhat masculine. Something that requires hard work, but at the same time I don't know where I'd be without Johnny. I don't know if I'd be as satisfied I'd be. I could live a separate life from him (which is basically what I am doing now since we live apart), but being able to call him or text him and to feel loved it's an indescribable feeling. I feel as though I am this spirit that is a walking contradiction.

"You are my inspiration." Somebody said to me yesterday evening. I kind of chuckled. I'm somewhat modest and am unsure of how to receive compliments. I become this awkward, childlike individual who smiles and chuckles.

"I'm just a psychopath." I replied.

Am I truly an inspiration? I don't deem or think of myself as any more worthy of inspirational than anybody else. In fact, despite all my accomplishments and peoples claims of my beauty I am probably one of the most insecure people. I don't believe that I am always beautiful, I struggle with my self image, my writing always falls short, and I feel as though I slack a lot in life when I could be somebody so much more proactive. Then it got me thinking that my insecurities and imperfections are what make me so unique and perhaps so inspirational. I'm not afraid to be different. I'm not afraid to be who I am and I do expose my insecurities and fears. I disclose which scholarship suggests is rare (Refer to Duck and Wilson). My life has been full of accomplishments and I know I will continue to prosper, but when it comes to social relationships I hold myself back. I am so concerned and wanting to retain relationships whether they be friendships or significant others that I tend to focus most of my attention and thoughts on that. I feel that I am where I want to be in my life, but without others to share that with my life ceases to have meaning. Perhaps my article last night was correct that relationships and communities are fundamental to the human experience. Do we need people? We often see in movies such as Cast Away and I Am Legend that people begin to go mad speaking with inanimate objects or animals as though they can speak back to us.

So many questions are in my mind. I know now why I want to be in academics, because I seek knowledge. I know that truth with a capitol T does not exist easily. The uncertainties of the world create this rush of desire of knowledge. I am certain that I am living as correctly as my intentions are. I believe that I understand myself much deeper than I once knew. I'm not afraid and am ready to be me and expose myself to the world. I am ready to help others and I am passionate about this life. I do require love. I do require friends. I do require going on long drives and enjoying nature. I know what I need to maintain a happy life and how I can be a better person for those that surround me.

Last week I went on the most riveting camping trip with my half sister and her friend. I love being outside and it reminds me of how glorious this world truly is. It's simply amazing and fantastic that we have been blessed to live in such a world and be graced with the beauty of the worlds natural beauty. I feel industrialization is like make up for the natural world. It looks beautiful, shiny, pretty, masked if you will, but when you deconstruct all those layers of architecture  your left with something natural and beautiful. Sure the outdoors isn't always deemed beautiful. I acknowledge there is ugly outside such as itchy plants and creepy insects, but with the ugly there is beauty as well and that outweighs anything that may be creepy, crawly, and fearful. I find myself all over again when I am in the outdoors and it makes me think of the pioneers and all that they had to go through. They didn't have cabins or tents, but rather a little wagon with several people and all their food for the months to come. They braved it and made it so sitting in the freezing rain last Saturday seemed so trivial and when I did get back into the tent and in warm cloths I felt so grateful to have warm cloths and shelter. Being outdoors is beautiful, but reminds me of how lucky and privileged I am to have simple things such as shelter, food, warmth.

I'll leave you with lyrics by these wonderful musicians Mumford and Sons.

How fickle my heart
and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find
any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles
on things I don't know
This weakness I feel
I must finally show

Lend me your hand
and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart
and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes
I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep,
totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe

I'm losing what I don't deserve.

Class brings me so much joy and for a moment in my life I forget all of my troubles. It reminds me of why I am working so hard and makes me reevaluate my life. Honestly I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what is right for me. I realize how much I put into others when I should be directing that energy towards myself and my goals. I have my eyes on something so much greater than this life I am living now and I know that I am fully capable of it. I think there is a lot of things that are kind of setting me back and I need to really think about what I can do to move forward. Life is full of tough decisions that just make us stronger in the end. Sometimes I'm really afraid and I wonder if I'm strong enough to do all of this on my own. I have dealt with life fairly well on my own always coining myself a lone wolf. Tonight my friend asked me how I was holding up. It's weird to have someone ask you that question "how are you holding up?" It's as though they can sense your anguish somehow. It began harmlessly enough with me speaking about my thesis, which is always difficult for me to discuss. I was discussing what interesting things I've found in regards to stigma and disclosure of a parents cancer diagnosis. She asked me if I was going to read my work to my mother and I replied that I was not, because it contains sensitive and raw material of my emotions. I don't want my mother knowing exactly how I feel. The intention of my research project is to help others who are dealing with the same type of emotional rollercoaster I've had to go through these years.

Alone. Procedural. Unsure of how to address the cancer in social situations. I suppose it's something I've just attempted to eradicate completely from my social life. I don't like speaking about it and there is only really one person that I seek help and support from and that's Johnny. I hate seeking his help because it's so heavy and often times I feel like I'm being a cry baby and it makes me fear my emotional baggage will be too much for someone to handle. She asked me if I had a social support network I could go to. I hesitated with my reply, because when it comes down to it I feel like I have no one to talk to. People don't want to hear about your problems. They want constant happiness. I expressed this to her and she said that she heard something on the radio about how Americans expect happiness 24/7 and that's just not realistic or practical. She said that I seemed so strong and fine and was shocked that I rarely speak of my problems. When I am in class I want every little trouble to go away. I just want to focus on the literature. I want to surround my mind with complexities that requires every inch of my brain for processing and does not leave room for other thoughts. Do I feel alone? Should I lie? I do feel alone a lot of the time. Not because I don't have people who are there for me I am surrounded by wonderful people in my life. When I say alone I mean there is not one person I can go to that I love and who are in my life that can relate to my experiences. They can attempt to help me, but it's uncomfortable for them and they can't really understand my "emoness" if you want to use that term to express my down times.

I just want to be free. I feel so tied down in my life right now and I really just feel like cutting away the chains and freeing myself. I don't know what I want or where I want to go. I don't know what there is in store for me, but I trust that things will work out for the best in the end. I guess I just want to soar. I want to be constantly in the air feeling, refreshed, and free. Tomorrow I am going out with Vivian and I think it's time I actually use my friends and stop fearing letting myself open up. I've closed my emotions off to most of the world, because every time I try to express them I am shot down, called silly for being upset, and deemed to be too much to handle. I know that is not true and recognize that I am a human being. I have emotions. I am a female who feels more than she should. I have a heart that is nothing but gold. I want to help people more than I want to help myself. I used to think doubt was the root of all evil, but now I know that it is not. We have doubts, because we have crucial decisions to make in our lives and it's scary to think you can make a terrible one. We grow from our mistakes and continue to learn more about ourselves as we live, but it's hard when you jump into something head first without giving it some sort of thought.

I'm excited to see my friend tomorrow I need some guidance in my life right now. I really need to do a lot of thinking. I know I am still the person that I am, but I feel as though something is missing in my life. I can't quite put my finger on it exactly, but I just have to keep trusting that I will get through this rough patch. I am one heck of a girl and I have come so far. I can't give up and I have to keep fighting. Yikes well I'm off to bed, this was sort of my vent for the night. I'm terribly sorry blog that you must serve as my rant victim, but you are the most convenient and best little place I have to vent. You don't say anything and just listen to my words. Signs of delirium occur when you speak to blogs. This zombie is off to bed too tired for brains.

<3
Alexis Zoe

What's beyond sympathy?

I was unaware that so many of you would be receptive to be reentering the blogging world. I was unaware that so many of you read my blog and found inspiration or anything out of it to say the least. It is really flattering and I always do things with the intention of having some sort of purpose. You're wonderful souls have given my blog purpose and have encouraged me to continue on my prolific journey of using my words to verbalize emotions and the truths of everyday life. The truths in my everyday life at least, we all have compelling stories and experience emotions in so many different ways. My friend Boku left me a comment on my last blog that I will respond to in this blog in hopes you all may hear a piece of the insight he had to share. He said that inside of us are little boxes wrapped up like gifts, but when we open that box we only find another inside. Just when we believe we have unwrapped the box and have gotten to the prize we haven't. This goes back to the analogy used by scholar Hegel on having our own little personal treasure chests inside of our minds. I'm fairly certain I have mentioned this previously seeing as it is my favorite description of understanding others and myself. We are the only owners of the key to our personal treasure chests and we can choose who we want to see some of the treasure, but they can never have that treasure it belongs solely to us. We can share some with others, but we will always hold the box and the key so that is left to our digression.

When I was working throwing boxes at work I normally am miserable on Mondays. Today went by so quickly I could barely recollect where the time went. I suppose my mind was elsewhere... It was on my mother and my thoughts and prayers where with her all day. I know that this life is just part of a bigger plan and that someday things will be better. There won't be all the pain and suffering we experience on Earth. Everything will have seemed so trivial and we will laugh and be with those we love again somewhere much more beautiful than this Earth. Somewhere that takes our breath away and where we can finally be completely us. We don't have to live in fear of being judged, because we are with our creator and with our loved ones in their purest form. I love my family they give me a reason to live on. They give me the support I've always needed. I know that if something should ever happen to any of them they'd want me to continue to prosper no matter what happened. I will. I'm a fighter and my mom has taught me what it really means to fight. She has fought something I could not imagine having. She is my true hero and I though we have our differences I love her more than anything else in this world. Her and my father have given me a good life and all they want is my happiness and I'm starting to realize that they are the people who care about me more than anyone else in this entire world. No one will love me as much as my parents do, especially my mother. She did everything for us and all she ever wanted was to give us love. Last night she called me just to tell me that she couldn't be happier to have a daughter like me. I'm crying thinking about what she said to me, because I'm not perfect but I do try my hardest to make my parents proud and happy. I know I've treated them poorly before when all they want is the best for my life. I love my parents so much and I am the fighter and person I am today because of the wonderful job they did.

I went to dinner with my brother tonight and had a wonderful time just being with him. I'm grateful to have a brother who cares about me so much too. I know that he'd always protect me no matter what happened even if I was wrong. Family never give up on you and always are there and I'm grateful for mine. I may not have a huge family and a ton of people I can turn to, but they people I do have are golden. They are the best I could ever have. Tomorrow I have both of my jobs. The next day I have both of my jobs and school. Normal people would dread such long days, but I'm looking forward to them. I'm being tested of how much strength I have. I have a thesis to finish, PhD applications to get through, conferences to plan for, and so much more responsibility. I am twenty two years young and I am determined to finish this year successfully in everything that I do. Sure it's tough to do all that I do, but I am living proof that you can do it and being happy too.

I'm starting to get more in tune with my emotions I believe... I'm so much more happy just living my own life. I'm not letting things get to me as much anymore, because I'm starting to realize how precious life is and starting to feel that I am worthy of being treated well. I'm not going to surround myself with people who only bring me down anymore. It's not worth my time or agony. If they need my help and come to me seeking help I will provide them with that. I will never turn away someone who is in a time of need regardless of the wrong they may have done. We all need somebody sometimes whether we want to admit that or not. So many people want to just disappear and deal with things alone, but eventually you need someone there for me. Someone who will tell you things will be okay and provide a shoulder to cry on. My friend said that he could almost feel my emotions when he was reading my blog. I want people to feel just as I feel. I have so much sympathy for others. I desire to help more than anything and understand how they feel. With every bad experience I try to help others who are experiencing something similar. We can never understand anyone's story completely, because we do have these presents or treasure chests inside of ourselves but we can make an attempt to show them they are not alone. I wish I could take all the sad, lonely, and hurting people in the world and give them one great big hug. I wish I could make them feel the love that I have been blessed to feel in my life. Some people never get that love or never know it.

I have so much to live for. I have so much love and compassion in my heart and I want the world to feel that love. I want to be me and I am not living in fear any more. I am emotional yes. I get angry, sad, lonely, and just downright depressing at times. I can be dramatic and get jealous I will not deny my faults. I am a beautiful person inside though and all I want is the happiness of those I love. All I ever want is to be me and loved for me and I finally am not afraid to deny the love I have for myself and how grateful I am to be the person I am. I have transformed into a wonderful young lady and I love this world that I live in. Thanks so much for being so wonderful all of you should be proud to be the good people you are <3

<3 you all always and forever,
Alexis Zoe

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

"We build up hope, but failure's all you've known. Remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go. Let it go. Let it go."

9:15 PM. I am letting go of all of the sadness and frustration. I am turning over a new leaf, I really am this time I'm not just saying that. I need to for my own sanity. I want to begin by apologizing to everyone for not being the person you all once knew. I am battling a lot of my own demons right now if that's what you want to call internal turmoil. I put up a front that I am this strong, incredibly intelligent warrior who doesn't give up in the face of negative circumstance. I am a human and I do have emotions. I do feel pain and as much as I want to act as though I can get through anything and everything I can't always do that.

I try to stay positive and still am positive and that is why I need to administer some changes in my life that I feel will benefit me for the good. I need to go back to who I once was, but improve on that ten fold. We can't go to our past and we can't relive our past, but we do have to grow from our past. I once enjoyed life. What I mean by this is that I enjoyed the simple things in life. I used to sit outside and do yoga, go on long drives, bake up a storm, and just do things I really enjoyed. I don't do as much in my life that bring me the joy of such simple things that I once did. I have become one of the zombie drones that I often described in my journal, which has been neglected for half a year. I don't write nearly as often as I once did, I hardly read, and I have been uncaring about my health and fitness. I have become somebody I can barely recognize.

Last night when I went to see Resident Evil with my really good friend Bridget (she is the best!) I realized how much I miss doing things I enjoy like seeing scary movies. All I seem to do is work and am so concerned with finances, my family, and my future that I have forgotten to live in the moment. Next weekend I'm going camping with my sister and maybe auditioning for another movie. I really need to get away even if it is only for a day. I just need to be outside and do a lot of thinking about how I want to continue to run my life. I need to do some reevaluating of what is really important to me in my life. I know academics will always be the love of my life and that is what I know is right for me in my life, but if I want to be academic I have to start being more proactive then I have been. I also have to always remember who really cares about me and who really is there for me. I think that I have become so consumed with so many different emotions and as scholarship suggests have been protecting my face and using face threats in order to protect my face. I have been doing this with the people that love me the most and just want the best for me. I suppose I am starting to learn that the people who love me just give me advice because they care about me so much and don't want to see me make fatal mistakes. They want nothing more than my happiness and all I want is to shut down their simple, kind words. How selfish have I been? How g-d awful selfish could I allow myself to get?

Today I felt the need to vent to somebody, anybody. My victim unfortunately is extremely intelligent and often disagrees with most of what I have to say, but I actually enjoy that as cynical as it may seem. It allows me to take a step back and look at a different perspective on what I'm trying to attempt to make sense of myself. I have been on about ignorance. I suppose it stems from Johnny inquiring why people are so ignorant about Jewish people. My new found attempt to understand ignorance got me twisted and coming to the conclusion that ignorance stems from us being so ingrained in our little worlds and our inability to step outside of this world we've built up for ourselves. We don't understand others and are ignorant because we do not put forth effort to understand them. We don't want to listen to them or receive information because we've already shut down their beliefs and who they are in our minds. We have this preconceived idea of who they are before we even attempt to get to know the person they are inside. We've stereotyped and judged this is what makes me perhaps the most amused. We all often say that we do not judge others, but that is the biggest lie and joke. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a huge ignorant, judgmental person. Sure I accept  and love gay people, am tolerant of most religions, will not judge you based on your political ideologies (because I'm somewhat central on those), but I will call another girl promiscuous  because she is wearing something I deem to be immodest. Why do I judge her? I don't believe in that and I dislike girls who are like that, but how do I know she's not a nice girl? Why do I refuse to go into hooters those are girls who are trying to work heck some of them are going to college just like me... Trying to make it. I throw boxes for a living so who am I to judge someone trying to make an honest living? Do we all have the equal opportunities to be educated and to step outside of this little bubble of ignorance we have grown into? Perhaps we don't, but I have all the opportunity in the world to do so yet I don't.

I constantly go against what I preach and hardly ever practice it. I say one thing and then do another. I allow myself to be disrespected and walked all over, because I have this fear about being unhappy. I have defined for myself what true happiness is, but my definition is above and beyond all normal expectations. Nobody is going to make you happy. Everybody will disappoint you in life your family, friends, significant others everybody. People are selfish beings and in the end they want what is best for themselves. If you rely on others for your happiness you will never be happy. You will always be disappointed. The only person who can bring you joy is yourself. You have to do what you love and not think of other people constantly. You can't neglect things in life to make time for others always. Sometimes you do have to be selfish, but that's not always a bad thing. As long as that aspect of your persona does not consume you it's okay to do something for you now and again. I've realized how much I rely on others and how little I put into myself. I suppose that is the realization I have come to from all of this venting to random friends (who I am so grateful put up with this mind of mine). So I'm doing things for me now. I'm saving everything I can to accomplish my dream of going to a PhD program that I love and the one I am smitten with is Purdue. I want to wear black and gold and be an Oiler (though oil is the epitome of evil). If I get in there no questions asked I am going. It's close enough to home if anything should happen or if my parents and family should need me I can be there and it is in the Midwest which is where my heart belongs for now. I am going to enjoy this fall despite my busy schedule. I am determined to go apple picking, go to the pumpkin patch, carve pumpkins, decorate, go on some bike rides, and bake up a storm making fresh apple pies and pumpkin pies from scratch for the people that I love. I am going to write all I can and dive into books and scholarship at least an hour a day. I am going to sit in my little cubicle in the library and ready lame home maker magazines while breaking from my research. I am going to do sweet nice things for my parents, my boyfriend, and my friends. I am going go see all the movies I want even if I have to drag my friends to the movies. I am going to enjoy being alive and stop taking being alive for granted and stop taking for granted the people in my life. I am back world you better watch out :] I'm more powerful and ready than ever to take on anything life has to throw at me. Resident Evil was only the beginning! Can't wait for this week and to surround myself with joy.

<3 Always with all smiles,
Alexis Zoe

My Little Heart Seeks Strength

So often are we tested in life to see if we are strong enough to survive. The other day I learned (and reaffirmed) my belief that the lord gives us issues and negative things in life only to test our strength and prays that we will retain the lesson that is meant to be learned from such negativity. Sometimes it's difficult to believe that we can get through some of the trials in life, but I am not prepared to give up and become a negative person. I have always believed that I have been dealt the life I have, because I was intended to help people. The only way you can truly help someone (or come close to helping someone) I believe is if you have experienced the experience yourself. Your experiences are going to be quite different from others, because we all have our own unique perspectives on life, but if you can understand something and relate it makes it that much easier to help somebody. I suppose somewhere in the process of attempting to help others I became so consumed with their happiness that I had forgotten to attend to my own. I try to stay away from negative things, but I do cry and I do fear the future. I can't deny that I am in denial that my life isn't perfect and that I am imperfect. I want to believe that I am this intelligent, sweet, and amazing person. I believe I have good qualities yes, but am I living a perfect life and am I the perfect person? No. I am the opposite and I suppose one could argue that imperfect is perfect, but I feel as though sometimes I become a different and unhappy person that I do not recognize.

I am grateful for the things I do have in my life and I constantly thank the lord, but I have to show my thanks. I have to do so much more than just saying that I am grateful. Life does get to us all at some point and sometimes we need people to lean on. I'm afraid to lean on people. Every time I want to open up I'm afraid I'll be judged and so I smile. Even in my worst hour I attempt to have a smile on my face and continue to help others. When I'm having a bad day I always try to deal with it on my own, but lately I feel as though I do need someone to lean on. People are so used to me helping them that they are shocked I am seeking help, but I do need it. I think I'm going to begin my fast sooner, because I just need some strength. Here I go crying again. My tears aren't so much out of being "emo", but more so because I just I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling I suppose. I just have found strength in a lot of things lately especially in prayer. I don't know what I'd do without the lord. I don't know how I'd find the strength to do all that I am doing. I know that I can do this and I just have to keep fighting. I don't want to fight this alone anymore. I do need the people in my life as much as I claim I am a lone wolf and that I don't need anyone. As much as I have threatened to pick up and leave and start a new life. I love the people in my life and I have just been such a different person lately. A person I claimed I would never be.

I love my friends so much. They have been there for me when I cry, was sick, and needed a good laugh. They are my family away from my family and they have done so much for me. I feel closer to them though I haven't been as close as I once was. My family has done so much for me and I just take that for granted too often. I am so afraid for everything the uncertainty that comes with what has been cast upon my family. I hate to see them struggle and I hate how I feel so helpless. This helplessness has turned me helpless and I do need to be more proactive and do more to show them how much I do appreciate them. They have always been there for me my entire life. They would never abandon me how many people can you honestly say that about in life? Not many people have a family like I do (though my family may be small). My classmates and professors have just enlightened me so much. They are some of the most intelligent and beautiful people I have ever met. I honestly keep going and want to be a better person and want to further my knowledge because of them. They are incredible individuals who I see so much potential in and want to see them successful and happy. I want to go to conferences and catch up and discuss how our lives are and I know they will be life long friends.

I just needed to vent. I know this post didn't really have any sense or purpose, but it was just my mind needing to let out some thoughts that were racing. I can't even begin to describe how stressful life can be, but the stress is so beautiful. With all of the bad in life I appreciate all of the good. I really cherish memories and moments spent with the wonderful people I know a lot more than if I had never had to experience these bad things. I know it seems crazy to embrace all the negative, but it makes you realize how lucky you really are. There are others who never will have what I did and I wish I could give them that. There are people who feel so alone everyday of their lives and people who really get upset over petty things. Some people have no family or friends or the support that I do. Some people never live their dreams or never try to out of fear, and I am surrounded by the lord, my family, friends, and other wonderful people who push me everyday to be the person that I am today. I am truly blessed ugh!

<3always,
Alexis Zoe