Take me tortured heart by the hand.

And write me off. Do you know I cry? Do you know I die? Do you know I cry? And it's not the good kind.

I never saw a problem with a few tears, because I think that tears actually expose strength. If you aren't afraid to cry then you aren't afraid to show yourself at your most vulnerable. When I was a little girl my grandmother told me that crying didn't solve anything. She explained that crying didn't solve anything, because for example if someone passes away they can't see that. They wouldn't want you to be crying over them, but live life to the fullest and be strong. At her funeral I did not cry and everyone thought that there was something seriously wrong with me. I had become so accustomed to and took to heart her explanation of why not to cry that I followed it religiously for some time. In high school I was bullied and that was the first real time I cried again. I felt weak for crying and would often cry by myself and not tell anybody why I was so upset. I become very destructive, but always remained one of the sweetest people to others. I looked for guidance from the wrong places and felt even more miserable. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep and looked to the only person I had left, g-d for answers. That night while crying I discovered something a piece of knowledge that I had always discredited due to previous information received.

It was okay to cry, it was powerful. Crying did not expose weakness, it exposed vulnerability. It wasn't until my Junior year in high school that I began to make changes in my life. I began to see things so much differently. I let myself cry and be upset over things. I became emotional and didn't shut off my emotions to the world. I wanted the world to see the true Alexis. The Alexis I knew I was inside, but was afraid to let out. I convinced myself that I would not care what others thought of me and that I would not let insults get to me, because I was proud of who I was. Upon this new discovery of myself I made new friends who were life changing. Who did love me for me. Who thought it was cute I wore silly bows in my hair and dressed creatively. Who didn't think any less of me because I had made mistakes in my life or that I was chubby. I for once was happy with my life. I let go of the sad, self hating old Lexy and loved myself. Sometimes I do get sad, but what is beautiful about that is I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable. I'm letting people in on my deepest secrets and the things that scare me the most. It's not a bad thing every once in a while. Building up feelings inside is worse in the end, because you become so frustrated one day you just snap.

I like being there for people when they are feeling down or are upset about something. I really feel like that is the best thing I can do for them and I feel as though they trust me. They are willing to let me see their vulnerable side and though I dislike seeing someone facing torment in their lives, I think it's beautiful they are willing to share that side of them with me. It brings a certain closeness to the relationship that isn't obtained through everyday conversation. I just want people to be happy and sometimes they don't take me inquiring about their problems as wanting that. I will bend over backwards to try and make someone happy and make things right in their life I never want to hurt. When others hurt I actually hurt as silly as that may sound it's true. I feel so much for people, even strangers because I don't like to see anyone hurt and feeling alone. I don't like to hurt people and would never maliciously do so. It's not my character and it's something I have never really been able to do regardless of how bad the other person treated me.

What mind boggles me is the fact that people allow themselves to get hurt and let it continue. I will admit I have done that and still do that from time to time. It doesn't mean that it can't completely leave me in disbelief. My friend was telling me about the guy she is interested in was telling her that he couldn't stand that he got dumped and cheated on all the time. That even when they cheated he would still stay, because it was better than having nobody and he had already put in all his effort and might as well put in a little more. Another person I used to work with told me how much love he had for this married woman who treated him so terribly. I can't understand them, but it seems many people are drawn to pain and hurt. I try to be as nice and kind as I can in any relationship I am in. This includes with my parents, friends, and romantic relationships. I am the one getting hurt and I try so hard. Then there are others who back stab their friends, are never there for their families, and cheat on their boyfriends and never lose anything. All I want is people's happiness and I know I'm not perfect, but I won't change that about myself. I won't stop being kind because people like challenges. I won't be mean or not be there for someone because that is not who I am. I won't give up encouraging people and I won't stop fighting for my dreams. I've grown up since that little, scared girl in high school who was afraid to be who she was. I won't go back to that or ever change who I am. I know that people DO appreciate the woman I've become. As long as some people do that is all I need in my life. I don't need the love of the world I just need a few people.

People take having individuals in life loving them unconditionally. They become tired of it and want to find new, exciting things. They take advantage of having people who care about them and that is the saddest thing to experience or see. Those people should never be forgotten, because when you are hurting again they are the ones who will be there when that other person is gone. I guess the message I am trying to send is not to forget who truly loves you. They should be the most important people in your life. And don't ever give up on yourself, because you are who you have in the end.

I love this song!

<3 Always,
Alexis Zoe