Valentines Day.

The day in which those who are single acknowledge the fact that they are in fact single. As a single person for the first time in two years (the past two relationships I have had began on February 14) I have not had a "boyfriend". I had mixed feelings about this. Though I don't really care to be in a relationship at the moment I still had a hint of loneliness. I believe that most single people experience this inkling of loneliness because it's just a reminder that they don't really have someone to hold, kiss, and do things with on a consistent basis. Recently I've just been dating and going out and though I've enjoyed the experience I have it's nice to have someone who you have an emotional connection with rather than physical attractions. I decided that instead of hating on Valentines Day as I once did that I would embrace it. I would make it new and renound. It would no longer be about lovers, but would be an appreciation and reminder that I love many people. So I baked. I baked until my body could no longer tolerate being around a vast amount of sugar. I baked until cupcakes no longer looked decadent, but rather resembled something grotesque. I put my entire heart into each little sugary creation to express how much I appreciated those in my life. As I baked I realized how much I enjoy baking cupcakes and just baking in general and how it would be fantastically amazing to collaborate with lumberjack (a master cupcake artist) and one day make my own shop. Lumberjack is an adorable guy who assumes the role of a lumberjack in both size, and beard. He brought me cupcakes and therefore he owns my heart. It doesn't take much to win me over :P Jokes, but it was a sweet gesture. I have no idea what I'd call it, but I'm sure I'd think up something clever. I feel as though I kind of am like a cupcake. A cupcake can come in many different flavors and almost always tastes delicious. It's not quite a cookie, it's soft and sweet. Kind of like me. I'm soft, sweet, and different. I like to think of a cupcake as a muffin on steroids.

After baking all night and handing out a couple cupcakes to my wonderful darling friend Katie I ended up dressing up in pink for the sort. I prepared myself emotionally for all the flowers and sweet gifts I would see circulate through my job and attempted to see the bright side of sorting flowers. "At least the metroplex will smell pretty!" The sheer idea of flowers smelling pretty compelled me to get even more dolled up for work. Working blue collar does not allow for much personality. I wear a uniform and I feel as though each time I doll up for work people look at me as though I'm some strange alien who does not belong on that planet. I suppose I could qualify as a strange alien from another planet, after all I work with mostly men and am not the image that pops up when they think of blue collar worker. I got a few whistles and a couple babies and continued on my quest armed in pink with cupcakes. When I arrived upstairs I laid out the cupcakes and offered them to my coworkers. They were all smitten with my cupcakes and I was even called by my lead "the sweetheart of the primary". He asked me if I did anything special and informed him that I lacked a Valentine and a boyfriend. He said that someone smart would pick me up soon. That he was sure of.

Someone.... I don't just want someone. Upon reading a little note from a boyfriend to his girlfriend I saw the beauty in his words and could almost sense the sincerity. That is what I realize that I want and deserve. I could easily have settled this Valentines day. I feel as though most of my relationships have failed just for the fact that I do in fact settle. Loneliness can result in just as much irrational behavior as love. I can safely say that I know the difference between desperation and love. I have only loved one person in my lifetime and the rest have been a way of feeding loneliness. As I read this and thought about relationships and settling I realized how this is the happiest single I have ever been. I realized that when I don't find something I want I will feed that loneliness somewhere else and when you take away trust and truth in a relationship it deteriorates in a very negative way. Getting hugs from my coworkers and called sweetheart was enough to make me appreciate my life.

When I left the metroplex I picked up breakfast for my family and left it for when they woke up. If anyone deserves special treatment it is my family. They are my rock and have supported me through so much of my life. I slept for a few hours only to awake late yet again. I was insistent on dressing up so I quickly dolled up. I rocked brown tights, jean shorts, a be mine pink valentine shirt, my brown and pink paperboy hat, and several other pink themed things. Let's just say that today I looked like Miss Valentine, I was a charm. I gathered the rest of my belongings, including more cupcakes and rushed off to work. I listened to cheezy acoustic love songs and smiled the entire drive. Love is beautiful and that's essentially what I think this stupid hallmark holiday is here to remind us of. When I arrived at work I didn't even get upset when things seemed to all go wrong. I instead smiled, listened to more wonderful music, and finished all the tasks on my to do list. Off to class I was where I got to vent on my hatred for Lady GaGa, my distaste for those who feel arcade fire are less talented than people who lack any talent, and how we have forgotten what it really means to be American and that capitalism has taken over most of the feeble brains of our country. I was then informed that the entertainment industry received 500 billion dollars vs. the 80 billion for education. Quite an alarming number and perhaps even more alarming is that we make up half of the money used for advertisements globally. This got me thinking up an idea. I should blog about being a blue collared worker, in the academy, and constantly analyzing the degradation of America and what we once stood for. I won't speak too much about it, but let's just say that we have taken away industry and the foundation America was built on. If we continue the building that once stood strong will collapse. I suppose the twin towers could be a foreshadowing/representation of what has become of this country. Sad, but I feel as though it's accurate.

When I arrived home I received loving hugs from my family and little valentines. I gave each of them their valentine from me. When I looked at my mother I instantly realized that I was allowing so many trivial things to run my life when I need to re-focus my life. For those of you who aren't aware my mother is in stage IV cancer and lately she has had vision issues. She has to see a neurologist oncologist to make sure that it hasn't spread to her brain. This thought scares me and when I saw her I nearly choked up. I love her so much and love my family. When I get upset about being alone, school, just life in general I think about my mom and all of the fighting she does for us and never lets it knock her down and it just makes me feel as though I really need to stop sweating the small stuff or surrounding myself with people who aren't worth my time. Life is so precious and we so often take it for granted. We forget what's really important. I used to be a person who would get upset over the smallest things and now I shrug things off. Let life happen and don't become bitter over silly things like being alone, people more well off then yourself, or something to that extent. Strive to be a better person and stay true to your heart. I'm just as my boss described me.... A sweetheart. People take kindness as a sign of weakness, but I am far from weak. I know so many strong people and I gain my strength from them and fight even harder knowing what they go through. Life is too short to let things hurt. Smile. Be you. Love. Give your heart in everything you do. Life can be beautiful you just have to paint it that way. I want to see in glorious rich colors, I want my canvas of life to be a work of art. I am a work of art, different, creative, dorky, sweet, and a very happy person. Valentines day doesn't have to be about couples, everyday doesn't have to be about how much love you receive, but rather how much you love and respect yourself. In the end you have yourself to answer to. You will lose people in life, be deceived, manipulated, hurt, left, and meet new people. You never know what will happen, but one thing you do know is that you are living in a reality of your own. You are capable of making life a wonderful experience full of adventure, sanctification, and ultimately hopefully you learned something about you in the process.

Let life happen. Love. Hope. Dream. Never give up on life, because each morning you wake up is another day you have a chance to experience more of the wonderful things living has to offer.

Love Always,
Alexis Zoe

Dearest Darling Life,

It is very rare that I allow negative emotions take hold of this strong and independent creature that I'm constantly striving to be. Perhaps the most riveting part of life is the notion that you have complete control when you really think about it. Sure things will come and try to stop you from feeling as though you have this sense of control, but if you are satisfied with yourself and constantly striving to be the best person that you can be life becomes so fantastically amazing. I can't even begin to describe the smiles I have shared with people recently and the pure joy I have found with my own life and how comfortable I have come with being Alexis Zoe. I am a nerdling obsessed with video games, spiderman comics, Ireland, tights, biking, PBR, and being alive. I dress adorable because it makes me feel adorable and happy. I take pride in being the lady that I am.

Last night I had a falling out. I call it a falling out because it was so not my character and it was the negative that overtook my mind. Things became bad and I found myself drinking again. Something I tend to do when I feel as though life is going to massacre my sweet heart completely. I drank my Whiskey and Pabst and found myself questioning why I always spend the nights alone with these two. After drinking I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad for being alone. I felt bad that my mom was sick. I hated that I felt as though I have accomplished so much, but don't have anyone to be proud of me, be inspired by, or even be noticed. I felt as though I was the ghost that I often describe in my novels. The girl who claims to be limitless, but limits herself. After crying some portion of my night to some of my wonderful friends I realized that I am not alone. I have people who love me so much and who think I'm beautiful and remind me of that. My friends are the greatest people on this earth. They bring so much joy to my life and so many wonderful memories. At times I wonder how they put up with my zanny personality, but then I realize that my personality does draw people in.

Today I filled out my intent graduate and ran into one of my darling cohorts. We conversed about impending graduation. I still am praying that I finish it all. I know that I have the drive and passion to, but at times we all question our abilities. After this I worked on my thesis a bit feeling inspired and then went to have coffee with an old friend. We're going to a Museum next week and I get to go to Lolla this summer which I'm completely and utterly stoked for. I then went to have coffee with my darling father, but missed out on my Starbucks buddy. I always find myself a bit disappointed when he isn't in just because I adore the conversations we have. My father and I enjoyed our coffee and then decided that it was time we eat some steak because the deer were making him ravenous and I just had a T-Rex craving. We ate and enjoyed our food and then I headed out to see my darling Katie Holmes. My invader zim buddy. It amazes me that I have such a strong and amazing friend. She is a charm. Katie, Rich, and I had coffee (my third serving for the day) and then headed to smoke hookah. A guy waved at me and made my day, because goodness knows I eat up attention! Katie told me I was pretty and she should know that she is gorgeous!When I got home I purchased my flogging molly tickets and now I feel unstoppable. I also have Abe Lincoln to thank for having no work tomorrow :)

When I got home I felt liberated, free, and as though my life has begun to take a turn for the better. When I got home I realized that I have friends that I treasure and that I could not get through life without. They love me when I'm vulnerable, love me despite my imperfections, they love me for who I am. It's brilliant being able to be yourself. It's amazing being able to be random and enjoy just living with those you care about and who you can have fun with. I have discovered recently that life is about taking risks and going on adventures. The cards aren't always going to be in your favor, but the risk and fun in trying makes it all worth it in the end. You lose some games and you win some, but in the end it's not about how many you've won or lost. It's about how well you played, how hard you fought, and how much passion you put into this game of life. I have so much passion in my heart. I have so much fight in me and I will do great things. My mother told me today that the reason I have such trouble being with a guy is because I'm overtly sweet. I give myself completely to whoever I allow to get that close to me in life. I will never change the person that I am, because I know there are people who respect me and admire me for the woman I am.

I work hard to play hard. I live life fully. I dream big. I want to change this world in some small way that may seem irrelevant to most, but holds a dear place in my heart. I want to always be best friends with my father and mother. I want to always adventure with my best friends and make crazy fun memories with them. Sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself. In order to truly understand just how strong you are and just how wonderful your life really is sometimes you need to step outside of yourself. When I look at the world I see so much pain and hurt. When I really think about my life as a whole I realize how much I have grown because of the life I lead. It amazes me how much we limit ourselves, when we could have the whole world in our hands. It's not about what you own, what you have, or how many people you have in your life. It's about owning the night, dreaming and living life freely, and it's about having people who mean something in your life. So many celebrities are miserable and so many sacrifice pieces of themselves to be something they are not so that they are constantly surrounded by people. Artificial has taken over our current culture, but if I could just shake people and show them that life is not about being something your not but loving the person you are I can guarantee there would be so many more smiles.

I just want to help people. I want to continue to be a free spirit, and I want to love with this heart of gold those who deserve to share my treasure. Gosh thanks life for being so awesome! Love you all.

I have denied love.

I love documenting my life. Thanks to the wonderful world of blogging I can go and read posts dating back to 2003. These posts document various points of my life, which to me is really invigorating. When I read back to the little girl in 2003, then 2005, and 2008 I find it incredible how in two year increments I changed tremendously. Even from year to year I seem to have learned something new about myself even if I didn't change a whole lot. I still am that girl I was in 2003, but I have just grown mentally so much. In 2003 I saw the world very much like must teenagers do, negatively. I disliked my parents for all the constraints they held on me. I thought I knew what love was and was determined to find it. This is a phenomenon I noticed about myself that I recently have gotten "over". Most of my blogs consisted of words such as love, heart, heartbreak, heartache, him, I LOVE HIM! Marry me..... I still don't know what love is. I can't say that I have even loved. When I read my old blogs I seem to have convinced myself that I loved every single person I dated, but I can honestly say that I may have felt love once. I still am unsure of whether this was true love. I suppose it was, because up until recently I always ran, always felt, always wanted.... Recently I have given myself more respect and realized that it is time to let go of that old glimpse of hope and false love. It made me realize how much I relied on love in the past, and how I didn't really know what the heck that four letter word really meant.

My entire life I have always longed for someone to provide me with the love and affection that I require. My friends have been astonished by the number of people I have dated and the amount of relationships I have had. I have always been the type to fall, always wanted someone that I could call mine, and each time I have failed in all my attempts at love. My need for affection has created issues, because I've never found anyone who was as affectionate as I am. My dad told me that everytime I like someone, someone liked me, or I was in a relationship with I have always tried to find something wrong with it even when there was nothing wrong with it. His comment really got me thinking. Do I really do this? Yes. I set myself up for failure before I even get in any relationships. Yes, I have been a bad girlfriend. Yes, I am the male in the relationship. Yes, I am a cocky bitch. I have hurt. I have placed the blame on parties that were not guilty. I could say it all stemmed from an ex boyfriend who constantly called me names. I could say it came from the guy who actually cheated on me, but I can't blame anyone for my failures. In fact,  if anything they gave me more excuses to use against future men. I don't know what love is, because I haven't felt it. I don't want to know what love is either I want to experience it. I want to let it happen. I don't want to continue on the same path I have always been on relying so heavily on being with someone.

This is the longest I have been single in a long time. What I find compelling is that my friend said it felt longer than it actually did.... You know you haven't been alone when someone thinks a few months is a long time. I'm actually really happy alone for once. I'm happy being able to go out and have fun without worrying about being the bad guy again. I was loyal to my last boyfriend and sweet. I invested everything into my last relationship and I realized how much I lost in the process. I'm finally getting back up from it all and upon reading my journals I realize what a sad girl I really was. I don't need someone. I am finally comfortable saying that and am happy being alone. I guess it's weird for me to experience this new, by myself thing. I went out with my friends last weekend despite having lung failure and it was wonderful. It was nice not having to check my phone and explain I was drinking and checking out guys with my girls. It was nice getting into all kinds of shenanigans and just being free. I hate fighting. I hate things being awkward. I just love being free and doing things for myself. Don't get me wrong if I found someone who I really liked, wanted me, and was like me adventurous and amazing then I'd jump on it but for now I am just enjoying living. Looking at my room and seeing the floor is a nice feeling. Getting ready to go to work tomorrow after having two days off (a rarity) is nice, because I'm actually kind of ready to go back (not really to one of my jobs, but shhh don't tell anyone), and not having other plans other than dragging my daddy to see hall pass this weekend. It feels good. It feels like old times when I used to go with my dad.

This post isn't my typical "lets get all philosophical and shit" post. I just feel like posting because I read so many of my old blog entries and it made me see myself for what I was. I'm just so happy to be me and so happy to be living. I realized how much we need to just adventure and live. So many times we just limit ourselves, make ourselves depressed, and say no to things because we don't want to live. We are constantly afraid of living, but not me anymore. Yes that's all.