Living without Life

Can we merely exist without life within our bodies? Is it possible to become so desensitized to the experience of life that we completely disconnect our minds, our bodies falter, and we become nothing but a body. I believe and have experienced living without life. The past year has been like that. There has been some life at moments, but most of the past year has felt like I was a body simply living. My organs functioning to the best of their abilities to survive. My mind being present when it needs to be. My very existence depending solely on my presence. This way of living without life is something that I never believed could, or would happen to me. Even in my darkest hours, the deepest holes I have fallen into, I have never felt less alive in my life. My abilities to create prolific work has become staggered by this feeling of emptiness inside of my heart. My anger, fears, and self-doubt have risen tremendously leaving me to believe that I am indeed a failure. The amount of scrutiny I have placed upon myself have led me to believe the absolute worst about my existence, my future, and my sense of self. Despite the pressure, deterioration of health, and mental instability I realize that I do still have some sense of control over my existence.

My body does not just have to be a present entity to humor others, but rather can be what I once believed myself to be. As my mother said "nothing worthwhile comes easy in life. You have to fight for everything." My mother not only fought for what she believed in, but she fought for her life. To live without having life in you, to me, is almost a since considering there are millions of people who suffer just to have life. The greatest gift you can have is your health and your life, and to feel the emptiness that I have felt is not being alive. It is, as stated, being present. I have made a conscious decision that it is time to work to change some of these feelings. I am determined to get back on my feet, and keep fighting not only to achieve my goals, but for my life.

In life, we consistently experience hardships. Some of these hardships seem trivial and leave our minds quickly. Others withstand time and continue to plague us as we attempt to move forward in life. Our lives as we know it are full of complexities that often we are only able to make sense of. For a long time I believed these extreme challenges were given to me because I was strong enough to not allow myself to simply become a person without life. Many years I decided that it was my duty and obligation as a person who suffered tremendously throughout my life to use those experiences to help others. Somewhere in between all of the challenges I lost that one single goal. The goal that kept me motivated, determined, and strong. I lost my passion and fight. Perhaps I have become cynical in my process of finding my true purpose in life. It seems that the challenges and hardships follow me constantly, dragging me down.

The main problem, is trying to overcompensate and fake happiness. Lately, I have been more open with sharing my negative emotions. Rather then denying these feelings and faking my "life" I have confronted them. These confrontations are the first step in recognizing that I have fallen off the path toward the magical kingdom that I hoped would become my home. A darker force has drawn me towards a path that has taken me further away from getting to that magical place I long to call home. I have allowed that darker force to consume my life and take me deeper and deeper into a dark forest. I have, somewhere in this process, become lost and enveloped in the darkness. Despite this, I know that I have the power and strength to fight through this.

Life will not always go the way you pictured it. Many times, life will throw new challenges at you that may make you lose your path for some time. If you allow yourself to be forever taken away, then your happiness and life may greatly be influenced. However, I am not prepared to allow myself to live in the darkness forever. To pretend that everything can get better in a single day and all of my life will instantly come back into my body and I will have endless happiness is not my goal. For this year, my goal is to not allow myself to feel like a failure or let others make me feel this way. I know that I am determined, capable, and worth something. People have stood behind me to help me fight the hard battles in life and have never stopped believing in me, even when I failed to believe in myself. I can do this.

Sometimes when I'm outside and just enjoying the wind I can feel the life coming back into me. We engulf ourselves in work, convincing ourselves we aren't being productive enough, or that we have better things to be doing. Humans biggest flaw is the failure to recognize the beauty in the experience of everyday life. To slow down each day and take time to realize what we are thankful for. My best friend got married recently, and it was hard for me because not only do I love her, but I wished I could have told my mom. When I think of the many moments my mother misses out on it makes me sad. However, I know that every day she was thankful just to be alive and able to share her life with us. My mother, on her death bed, made nurses laugh and describe her as a favorite patient. Her body was dying, but her life was still present. I cried all week last week and when I talked to my brother and I was crying he told me my mother would not cry like that.

Each day, I want to take time to slow down and realize what is important, and what makes my life special despite the hardships, worries, and concerns. When I wake, I want to have goals in my mind, but not beat myself up if not all goals are completed. I want more than anything to be acknowledged as contributing something, and even if it is not by others, I want to acknowledge my own merit. I accept that this is one of the most difficult challenges I have to face in my life, but I know that my reward at the end is greater and worth fighting for.

I want to thank my husband for his constant support and belief in me. I have been very hard to deal with in the last year because of my emotional instability, but I know he will always be there. I could not be luckier to have someone who puts his hand out and helps show me the way back to the path that I once was on. I know that our kingdom is waiting and that we will find it together, even if it takes longer than we anticipate.

All I've got to be thankful for

In my life I have traveled through a remarkable journey that has left me feeling completely lost in moments, while others I feel uplifted and enlightened. These consistently changing life events have taught me what people desire and how to behave so that society will accept you, even your inner circles. Essentially, I have realized that you can never truly be yourself because of the people you have in your life. This can be at times be a daunting actualization, while other times it provides a sense of security. I know who I am with this group of people so that's okay. One of the major concepts I teach in my courses is the idea of a deviant in the group.  A person who is going to go against the group to provide differing perspective, which in turn can spark a more informed opinion of the situation. I was once that deviant. The person who did not live by stability and I conveyed myself in ways that I wanted. As time progressed and I realized it's not about finding your own happiness, but the happiness of others I shifted my deviant nature. I became a social product and thus the self-loathing began.

When you try to become a product of what is conceptualized ideal you give up so many pieces of yourself that you become an unsolvable puzzle. You question your existence or purpose in the world. You begin to wonder what the greater picture of life is meant to bring. Who am I if I am just producing what others desire? Why can't anyone love me for my interests or my being. Why am I different? People care about themselves and their advancement in life. Whether that be in their careers or hobbies they don't want to wait around for you. If you have concerns or worries in your life they will either change it back to their own worries or concerns, or say it doesn't apply to them so they don't care. I've heard multiple times in my life that people "don't care" or that I am not "sufficient enough." My self production has become a product of others not my own. My own craft and skills have been suppressed so monumentally that I have stopped producing to meet  others needs.

During the process of this suppression I realized that things I once cared about like my health and mental well-being have suffered tremendously. Yet, even when these "important" areas of my life have suffered they are still trivial to others. Broken leg, no company, no help for 3 months straight oh you should be mentally stable still. Production, production, of what others want is the new focus. This has become the main assumption in my mind that I have not eluded to many underlying problems in my life. I realize now that my mother was the one person I felt I could be Alexis around. Perhaps my brother as well, but not that we are apart I'm not sure how to interact as we normally would. It's challenging to understand who I am in the context of life. I feel as though the person is slipping away as I'm not permitted to discuss my deepest and darkest thoughts.

This blog is disjointed, not clear. It lacks the luster that my old blogs have, but alas I feel as though I have lost my voice. One of the greatest gifts I had I feel has been taken. The amount of conversations that allow me to freely express myself are limited. The once gregarious and fearless girl who would consistently express what was in their mind has contained the thoughts internally. These internal thoughts have not been expelled on blogs when vocalization was not possible. They have sat stewing, constantly being silenced. The loneliness and the actualization that you are in fact alone with yourself (if you even know that you are in fact acting as yourself) has become a reality that I am still attempting to get used to. I wish others cared as much as I do and wished to understand the very nature of that person. I do dream of a day where we can look at someone and know what we must do. I can't carry on this blog. The perpetual thoughts of my voice being a captive in my body is too much to bare. I'm not entirely sure if the words I am typing are coming out as I hoped they would.

I'm hopeless, but not quite optimistic.

Can We Go On

Like it once was... Every time I hear a another story of the poor boy lost his head. Everyone feels a little crazy, but they go on living with it. Yeah they go on living with it.

Those lyrics describe my current life state. My ankle seems to have given me troubles since the first break. The pain and issues that have ensued have created more issues than good. Being a broken person makes one realize how truly alone they are. Being crippled for over 2 months I have set at home in pity with nothing but my mind as company. The mind is a powerful, but dangerously beautiful creation. Our thoughts can help us aspire to fulfill our greatest dreams, but they can also become our worst enemies. In my case, my mind has begun to set in the actualization that my mother is in fact gone. My pain that I've experienced has been in complete isolation. While I like to believe that there is good in the world, and that life will get better it appears to have become the opposite. The mind is a most powerful creation.

As I sit in bed reflecting upon my own life I realize the pain and anguish I have tolerated. I say tolerated because most of my life I have accepted the pain for what it was and rather than allowing it to influence my everyday practices I have allowed it to completely consume me. My heart, my mind, my soul has fallen into the black abyss to never be found, or so it seems. My mind allowed my body and my being to slip into one of the deepest depressions I could have never imagined. This was not another story, this was the thematic rendition of my life. The story of my life became some dramatic anomaly that one may conceive to be sheer madness. I haven't been able to write properly since this depression. I have not been able to sleep or eat properly. What I thought I know and what I actually know is a complete blur and it seems my very being has surrendered to the chaos that was slowly closing in on my force field of protection. In a feeble attempt to free my mind of these dark thoughts I asked the person I care most about if he could help me.

Off on an adventure to the nearest coffee shop. A coffee shop so grand that one must pay fees to enter. As we went in to sip on our delicious frozen beverages in the middle of winter we knew we would confront a dark force so powerful and known to defeat armies of men. Depression. Fight it. Depression. Go far far away. I confronted many of my fears today, which was only one conversation of many that will help me get back on the road to being the epitome of what it means to be Alexis Zoe. The hopelessly optimistic girl from Chicago who once dreamed of changing the world. The woman who believed stories could influence and change the very fiber of our beings. The girl who believed that hard work and perseverance would show the world that even underdogs could win major life battles. Conquer, command, fall, depression. Bury your flaws.

It was time that I took the great shovel that I had stored away and dug up my flaws, my fears, the pain. The pain I buried so deep to protect myself and my being. I allowed some of it to be exposed in the middle of that chain coffee shop. It was challenging to discuss what my thoughts were and confront my fears and my deepest demons, but I was finally talking about it. I wasn't faking a smile to impress others by my strength. I wasn't pretending to be something I wasn't. I hurt while I talked, but the pain was therapeutic. My heart felt freed of some, but not all of the significant amount of trauma I experienced. The cheating, lying, insults, being bullied, feelings of insignificance, and inability to accept the harsh realities of my life. Tonight I prayed for the first time in months. I prayed to a g-d I believed had left me long ago and submitted me to a hellish life. As I recover I understand that the amount of pressure, stress, and depression will be there. These are the first steps of recovery. I accept that I may not finish what I need to at the timeline prescribed to me, but that accepting that I do need help and I am experiencing normal emotions will direct me into the correct life path again.

I will end this very disjointed and disconnected journal with the biggest thank you I have to give. Brandon Lee, I love you with all of my being. You have been my knight in shining armor, helping me battle these hellish demonic creatures throughout the years. Never once have you faltered from my side and even when it seems we are losing, you still provide uplifting words to keep me fighting. During the nights I am cold and sick with the disgust from the constant battles you give me your warmth (literally) and most of all you give me the greatest love your heart has to give. I want to thank you for all of your support and help. I could not be the person I am or where I am today if you weren't by my side.

Love always,
Alexis Zoe

Halloween is upon us

As we've progressed in a modern society we have moved further and further away from mystery and magic that was once awed us in the past. This ultimately has brought about the need for a holiday that helps to bring some of that mystery and magic back into our lives, Halloween. October is the celebration of Halloween and all the wonder that accompanies it. Since I was a child, Halloween always instilled unto me a mysterious, yet beautiful feeling that I still can't quite comprehend. As I matured, I found that I was interested in that "unknown" of horror and terror. Why do we enjoy seeing others in pain, running for their lives from a deranged crazy person with some sort of blunt weapon? What causes us, as we mature, to watch these films which have potential to scare us? As children, Halloween is an exciting time because we get to dress the way we want and become our favorite characters. Not only do we get to step into imagination land, but we get rewarded with sweet treats in the process. Halloween, to the child, invokes imagination. As adults it seems our perceptions of Halloween shift. It is considered a "child's" holiday, but that doesn't mean we can't still have fun. Many adults choose to continue to dress up, and rather than trick or treat, go celebrate with friends. The purpose of dressing up doesn't always have the objective of fulfilling the imagination, but rather impressing other adults. I feel as though as we step into adulthood we don't always possess the same fascination of wonder, mystery, and magic as we once did as children. Halloween is my favorite holiday, in part, because I have never lost that mystery I find that surrounds Halloween even with the addition of horror.

It has been quite some time since my last blog, but as Halloween approaches I felt the need to share my

inner most thoughts with the world yet again. We let so many things spoil and ruin our mood that we often don't allow ourselves to enjoy our lives. My dad visited this weekend and it was much needed. I miss home, and the traditions that I partook in. Each year, for Halloween, I would go to a pumpkin patch, apple picking, drink and eat far to many things with "pumpkin flavor, have a scary movie marathon, go to a haunted house, and carve pumpkins. October wasn't just any old month, it was a month to celebrate this mystery, magic, and wonder that was so dear to my heart. Parties were never my thing, so on Halloween I'd dress up, get my reeses peanut butter cups, and watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. Many of the traditions I had in Chicago I brought here to Lincoln. I often have Brandon engage in these traditions with me. However, there are many that have been left behind and I feel as though I am becoming an adult who is starting to lose my sense of wonder surrounding Halloween. Excuses always seem to be made, and I have realized that, lately, I have made many excuses.

"I can't do this because I am too tired," I find myself saying most of the time.

In my mind if I think that Brandon doesn't want to do something, or if I'm not sure I should do something rather than asking I internalize and make assumptions for myself. These assumptions are not always correct, and have limited what I can and/or cannot do. Today, I felt defeated as though it was "too late" to partake in these loved Halloween traditions. However, it is far from too late to enjoy my Halloween traditions. I've already gone to a pumpkin patch and had plenty of pumpkin flavored treats. I may not go to a haunted house this year, but I will dress up and enjoy a scary movie festival. I had a caramel apple, but didn't get an opportunity to go apple picking. While I will miss out on a few traditions it isn't too late to partake in many of my typical traditions. One of the main things I need to remember is that life is about living. We only get one chance at life and when it comes down to we can't spend our lives worrying. Financially we will never be stable enough. Our loved ones will never do enough. We will never be completely satisfied with our lives, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. The struggles are what influence to work harder, do better, and be greater. If at first we don't receive what we desire, we must keep pressing on and trying again. My dads visit really put into perspective that I have focusing so much on "sweating the small things" that I haven't fully been able to enjoy myself. This Halloween season will be a wonderful one.

Happy Halloween all!

Alexis Zoe

If you knew I was dying would it change you?

"When the houses came they ate up everyone like they were fishes saying come on come on it's the end of the world. Then I saw your face your turning skin into a dirty secret I watch the beauties and the fire and the fire burn the beauty in their eyes. Then I took the blame we layed in ruins trying to quote your phrase we're yelling "someone's got the answers, but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found". If you knew I was dying would it change you? If you knew I was dying would it change anything? So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive, don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side. Everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we are all going to die."

One of  the most touching, and ironically, rejuvenating songs that have blessed my years throughout the years was a song by Manchester meaning. I believe that songs paint pictures which help us make sense of our experiences and organize our chaotic thoughts. Throughout the course of our life spans we experience trauma, combat stress, fight endlessly to reduce uncertainty, and ultimately hope that our lives will be happy. So much of our energies are spent on trying to conceptualize what makes us happy that we fight so frivolously to receive this happiness. The happiness we ultimately believe that we deserve and we privilege our definitions so much we don't consider how they may be hindering or halting our progressions in lives. I truly believed most of my life that I could achieve this happiness and it was the hope that sustained me for so many years. The things that once made me elated with happiness no longer bring a smile to my face. The world was once my oyster, in which I could accomplish anything that I fathomed imaginable. The world has transformed slowly but steadily into the gray, numbing, and disheartening world that I tried so hard to paint radiant colors.

When my mother died a piece of my heart died along with her. As I pressed on and combated the pain from

my mother's passing I noticed that slowly colors began to be robbed of something. What was this entity stealing away the colors from my once optimistic, colorful, and joy filled life? The only explanation of what this entity was pieces of myself. I was robbing myself of my own happiness and as the world continues to advance the colors are limited. Some days I will find a beautiful yellow rose peaking out of a grey bush. It gives me a glimmer of hope. A feeling that things will get better and that I can continue to press on and my canvas will be repainted. But then, just as I feel as though there is a color peering out, providing me with a tool to begin painting it is taken from me.

One of the main things I noticed is that I'm unable to adequately stand my ground. I once fought raging wars for years attempting to make others understand the significance of something I believed in. These days I am so weak and fragile from all the fighting that I am like a fallen soldier who has nothing yet to do, but wander the desolate lands in hopes of finding one of my "fallen" comrades. Sometimes I pray to those who have perished during my battles, begging them for a sign of what path to take. I saw a glimmer of the light when I saw my students today and it was all stripped from me. One bad experience a day has taken it's toll and I am always "sorry." I am sorry for what I have caused. I am sorry I am the failure. I am sorry I am the one who is wrong. I'm sorry I'm the irrational one. I'm sorry I'm not smart enough. I have degraded myself to a point of no return. I have lost the ability to believe that not all things are my fault. I sit up tonight sleep deprived, dehydrated, fearful, and feeling defeated. I know that the morning ahead heads much work. My mind can't stop thinking. Why? What did I do? Why am I the failure?

Today I thought about the wise words of Manchester Orchestra. "If you knew I was dying would that change you?" So often we don't consider what life would be like without someone. I never really considered this idea in my world of beauty. If grey appeared it would be viewed as a beautiful opportunity to change up the color scheme and repaint it. That section was now an outlet for positive change. When you lose someone things begin to turn grey at a more rapid pace until finally you are unable to continue to renovate. Without the aid of others your picture can no longer be transformed back into that beautiful landscape you once loved. Your existence and life becomes less meaningful and the fight becomes increasingly harder to fight. Our life is limited and this thought does not cross our minds very often. Last night I dreamt that I was with my mom, but we weren't feeling pain or suffering. My mother and I were together in a world of color and beauty. It was just as my mom described like a "Thomas Kinkade painting" and I felt at peace. My mother was one of the few people who disappointed me in my life. She was always honest, open, and loving regardless of my situation. When I felt completely miserable she was always willing to do whatever it took to pick me back up again. Without her as a present part of my life I am left with few people to help me revamp and recreate my painting into a beautiful landscape. There is and will continue to be so much suffering in the world because of our inability to take the time to help others. One of the greatest joys I have is making others smile and the one way that I am able to accomplish that is sacrificing pieces of myself for others. It's a challenging task considering my current state, but I will continue to fight. I believe that we all have the ability to pull ourselves up with some honesty, love, and care from others. I hope that my future will be full of these and that I will once again get to marvel at the beauty and colors within the world.

Mom, I love you more than I could ever say and I just want to thank you for all that you helped me achieve in my life. If it weren't for you being such a present and active advocate for me I would not be where I am today. When I was sick in the hospital you were the only one who believed me, listened, and showed you cared. You remained at my bed side and without you I would not even be alive today. I wish that I could have done the same for you, but I lost you to a horrible disease that claims so many lives each year. I made a promise to myself that if cancer took you from me I would do everything in my power to help educate people about cancer and teach people the importance and significance of this disease. I promised I would fight to try and help people in hopes of one day seeing a cure exist. You were taken from me way too early on in my life and if I had known it would be so soon I would have treated you and appreciated you more while you were here. I will continue to fight and never give up on all I have accomplished because you are the force that allows me to keep pressing forward. If more people were as caring and amazing as you present in the world it would be a much better place and I want the world to see what an amazing woman you were through how I interact with others. I pray that one day I will be as amazing as you were and I hope that I will feel the love that you gave me in my day to day life.

As for the rest of my wonderful family and friends you all have been wonderful to me throughout the years. Dad you always knew how to cheer me up and our deep discussions are what sparked my interest in analyzing the world and it's processes early on. I wanted to absorb as much knowledge as possible and you enabled me to do this by giving me Moby Dick at the age of 7 (which was one of my favorite books growing up). As I progressed in life you taught me that dreams were achievable if you worked hard enough for them and never gave up on them. You taught me that you can sink or swim and sometimes to find out you just have to jump (I swam!). Nick, I don't know how I conceptualized having a baby brother at first. I thought you were just a toy to play with, but now that we have grown together you have been an inspiration. You continue to grow into a man and when I was being bullied in my childhood you always tried to include me even though I embarrassed you in front of your friends. That meant more to me than you could ever know.

Brandon, I love you more than words can describe. You aren't just my significant other, you are my family. I would do most anything to ensure your well-being. I have and am willing to sacrifice what I need for your happiness and I know that I am not doing the best of jobs. Just know that I work so hard to please you and I hope that one day you will entrust me with information and not be afraid to show me and share with me things. I am very lucky and privileged to call you mine. We have experienced some of the most tremendous moments together that some people do not get to have in an entire life time. I cherish each moment I am with you and when we are apart I miss being with you. My love for you grows stronger each day and I hope that we will continue to grow together.

The past often does define and inform the future. We can dwell on the past, but we musn't do such a thing. We should, rather, focus on how the past informs the future and what patterns emerge as a result. I have seen patterns emerging in my present that alarm me and frighten me. They have thrown me deeper into the chaotic black hole of greyness. I feel that the one main way to get out of whatever troubles you have is with a support system. My support system is small, but I continue to rely heavily on them. My dad, brother, Brandon, and my friends all play a vital role in my coping process. If I died tomorrow I would hope that I would leave the world on a good note, not necessarily a groundbreaking one, but a good one. I will continue to attempt to create color and I need the help from those I love.

Alexis Zoe

Hurting heart behind smiles

Writing. What is the writing I once used to produce so eloquently? Words have failed me despite my belief that they would never cease to be a part of my life. It's hard to do that which you love when you feel pain deep rooted in your heart. Lately, I have noticed that people talk so much about how "unfortunate" life is for someone else. Each time I try to get my story in to make sense of my experiences I find that I am shot down.

"Oh, but look at how unfortunate this person is!" They exclaim.

I rarely admit this to myself, but for once I'd like to have someone acknowledge my unfortunate series of events. I have always given this hopelessly optimistic facade, when all I really wanted was someone to acknowledge my stories. How can one make sense of or feel good about feeling sad about a life experience if they aren't given the opportunity? When I think of my mother's passing I sit here staring at the computer, wanting to write about it. I want people to hear my story. I want people to know what cancer is and what it does. I want young adults across the globe to know they are not alone if they lose a parent to terminal illness. However, I find it especially challenging to write about this at times when people don't want to hear my stories. So I sit here some days crying to myself wishing anyone was interested in hearing my story. Longing so deeply for someone to tell me how my story does matter. What I really want is someone to give me permission to be sad. Not to tell me my story is retrospective, not important, something that I should just get over.

I was reading a scholars work that I admire so. He wrote about his experiences with cancer, which touched me. So often we forget that other people are important. It isn't just about how we live our lives, but the lives we impact throughout the process of life. Today I was shown a video about how video games are the answer. I would classify myself as a gamer, but I wouldn't say that's the answer. The answer to how to not "regret" death (which you will most likely die with some regrets) isn't in games, tv, or therapy. It's about how you choose to live your life and the time you give to others. People are always going to try to give you some magical equation on how to prolong life. Try to explain ways in which you can reduce the regrets in your life. Instead of trying to find some magical equation for a cure all formula we need to greatly consider what is important to us. What is important to some will not be important to all. The issue with people today is we try to generalize to a greater population.

"This is how you will achieve ultimate happiness that will make you die without these regrets."

My mom's greatest regret when she died was leaving us. She asked the doctors and nurses in tears "how am I supposed to leave my children."

My mom put so much into her relationships with her children and family. She didn't try to find a way to create a greater bond with us, but she did what she believed would make her happy. My mother died having lived a wonderful and full life. Her greatest fear in death was leaving us and how we would be. My mother was selfless, and unfortunately it is not easy to come by people like this. We need outside sources to be close with our families. We don't take time to listen to their stories or invest the amount of time we do into technology. I apologize that this blog seems bitter or against my hopelessly optimistic alter ego. It's hard to tap into that positive section of my brain telling me that "everything will be okay" when I'm not heard in my everyday life. I pray that someday someone will want to hear my story. Not just listen because it's what they have to do, but because they actually want to hear me. So often our stories go unheard and the stories that are heard are fiction, online, or in some mass produced area. Today it seems our minds are only able to retain or feel for stories that are mass produced and have numbers to back them rather than individual life stories.

Flight or Fight

It's been quite a while since I last posted a blog or wrote anything outside of my academic endeavors. I can't explain why I felt compelled to write a blog today. I am not able to tell you whether or not this blog will be as well written as my former blogs. What I can promise is that life has been kicking me down further into the ground. My optimistic self is having trouble fighting through the darkness these days and I'm afraid rather than fighting I have succumbed to flight. Rather than coming to this very blog in order to make sense of my darkness I have become a monster. Much like Silent Hill, I feel as though I am in some sort of nightmare and inevitably at the end of the game I am considered the bad guy. It has been exactly 4 months since I last allowed my fingers to expel words at my minds digression. Four. Four long months. Four months of ups and downs. Four months of wishing something, anything would change. Four month wondering where my life has gone so tragically wrong.

The other day I read a hyperbole and half blog. She is absolutely one of my favorite bloggers, because she always managed to bring a smile and laughter into my life. Her blog this time was about depression, and she too hadn't blogged in a long time. Being able to see someone who I thought was happy go lucky feel the same horrible feelings I do made me feel positive in a sick weird way. "You are not alone." I constantly tell myself in my mind. "It's just stress." What is it though? I reach deep inside myself to understand whether it's all just stress related. Is it deeper than that? Hyperbole had people reaching out to her and trying to help her "cure" her depression so to speak. One of the issues I have is the lack of people reaching out to me. Mixing these negative emotions with the feeling of isolation is perhaps the most destructive combination. How does one get out of isolation on their own when feeling this way? People always tell you to take initiative, but when you already feel awful and have lost confidence in yourself it's hard to do so. It's hard to try and care and put in effort when you can't even put effort outside of school into your own life. So I sit here alone day in and day out. Waiting for anyone to call me so I can do something every once in a while.

One thing I've noticed when you are experiencing such negative emotions, is that people really try to "fix"

you. People assume that it is something that can just be solved or go away. They don't ask how to help, but rather that it is not possible to help. You are recommended to go see someone, even if you truly believe that help does just the opposite. The one thing I know I need is a supportive group of people in my life. During hardship, my family served as the group of people who would help me. Living in Lincoln makes me feel isolated and alone. I have Brandon who does his best to help me, but it's hard to describe the same issues repeatedly to someone who has heard it all before. It is not easy to come up with new things to tell me and eventually you give up trying to. Society has dictated what "normal" behavior is. If you go against it in any way you are deemed "crazy", "unusual", "demanding". Negative terminology is used to classify you as something that goes against the norm. To become the norm again you must sacrifice pieces of yourself to maintain and achieve this normal facade that will eventually fail.

For those of you out there that have been dealt a bad hand do not forget that you are strong. It is easy to forget the strength you have acquired over the years when people classify you in negative ways. You may never be deemed normal, but you can't allow that to dictate your life. This has been a rough year for me and one of the things that I notice is that I've given up my fight. There were so many years I spent fighting the darkness. I was a light warrior trying hard to rid the world of the darkness that surrounded people. Despite your strength you may fall in battle. When you fall you may not get up right away. You may quit in frustration and not come back to the fight again for a long time. It doesn't matter how long you are down and out, but what matters is that you come back to fight that monster. It may take months of strengthening and preparing yourself to have to right skills to fight the monster, but you must come back and defeat it to progress on with your story. I have given up fighting and have tried to flee, but the monsters hold on me won't allow me to escape. It's my choice on when to finish the monster off, but for now I continue to try to run and have a lot of strength to build before I can successfully "move on". When trying to get back up, know that this monster may feel impossible to defeat, but that in the future they may not be as challenging.

o here I am four months later attempting to write a coherent blog that describes why I have been absent for so long. This blog may seem disjointed in sections. It may even resonate as an incomplete blog, but I tried. My writing is one skill that helps me combat these "monsters" in life. I have taken the first step and I hope that my blog will once again become the friend to which I confide in the most. The one place that ceases to disappoint and can only bring light into my life. It will take energy to continue to write and build the strength I need for this battle, but I am going to try. If my efforts are futile for now I know that in the future they will help me achieve what I need. I just want to say that I'm grateful for the group of people I do have in my life. It helps to have someone who puts efforts into trying to ensure my happiness by doing little things. It's nice to have a family back home I know loves me much. I just have to remember the party I do have to help me fight this monster and revive me when I'm down.

<3 always="" p="">Lexy