Hurting heart behind smiles

Writing. What is the writing I once used to produce so eloquently? Words have failed me despite my belief that they would never cease to be a part of my life. It's hard to do that which you love when you feel pain deep rooted in your heart. Lately, I have noticed that people talk so much about how "unfortunate" life is for someone else. Each time I try to get my story in to make sense of my experiences I find that I am shot down.

"Oh, but look at how unfortunate this person is!" They exclaim.

I rarely admit this to myself, but for once I'd like to have someone acknowledge my unfortunate series of events. I have always given this hopelessly optimistic facade, when all I really wanted was someone to acknowledge my stories. How can one make sense of or feel good about feeling sad about a life experience if they aren't given the opportunity? When I think of my mother's passing I sit here staring at the computer, wanting to write about it. I want people to hear my story. I want people to know what cancer is and what it does. I want young adults across the globe to know they are not alone if they lose a parent to terminal illness. However, I find it especially challenging to write about this at times when people don't want to hear my stories. So I sit here some days crying to myself wishing anyone was interested in hearing my story. Longing so deeply for someone to tell me how my story does matter. What I really want is someone to give me permission to be sad. Not to tell me my story is retrospective, not important, something that I should just get over.

I was reading a scholars work that I admire so. He wrote about his experiences with cancer, which touched me. So often we forget that other people are important. It isn't just about how we live our lives, but the lives we impact throughout the process of life. Today I was shown a video about how video games are the answer. I would classify myself as a gamer, but I wouldn't say that's the answer. The answer to how to not "regret" death (which you will most likely die with some regrets) isn't in games, tv, or therapy. It's about how you choose to live your life and the time you give to others. People are always going to try to give you some magical equation on how to prolong life. Try to explain ways in which you can reduce the regrets in your life. Instead of trying to find some magical equation for a cure all formula we need to greatly consider what is important to us. What is important to some will not be important to all. The issue with people today is we try to generalize to a greater population.

"This is how you will achieve ultimate happiness that will make you die without these regrets."

My mom's greatest regret when she died was leaving us. She asked the doctors and nurses in tears "how am I supposed to leave my children."

My mom put so much into her relationships with her children and family. She didn't try to find a way to create a greater bond with us, but she did what she believed would make her happy. My mother died having lived a wonderful and full life. Her greatest fear in death was leaving us and how we would be. My mother was selfless, and unfortunately it is not easy to come by people like this. We need outside sources to be close with our families. We don't take time to listen to their stories or invest the amount of time we do into technology. I apologize that this blog seems bitter or against my hopelessly optimistic alter ego. It's hard to tap into that positive section of my brain telling me that "everything will be okay" when I'm not heard in my everyday life. I pray that someday someone will want to hear my story. Not just listen because it's what they have to do, but because they actually want to hear me. So often our stories go unheard and the stories that are heard are fiction, online, or in some mass produced area. Today it seems our minds are only able to retain or feel for stories that are mass produced and have numbers to back them rather than individual life stories.