I'm missing you Mom.
The way your hair always seemed perfect.
How you always had the best advice.
The thoughtfulness and kindness you instilled in your everyday life.
I'm missing you Mom.
All the late nights I spend up crying wishing I could call you.
The pain and agony I experience in every memorable moment.
Knowing that you will never be a part of it.
I'm missing you Mom.
Wishing that you could still be a part of my life.
And see all I've done getting married, graduating, and building a home.
Now you are gone and I just feel so alone.
I'm missing you Mom.
Now and forever.
Things will never be the same without you.
And when I miss you I feel so blue.
I find that major life events, whether they are mine or my families, send me spiraling into the dark feelings I try so hard to suppress in my daily life. Faking a smile has come so second nature to me that I can be smiling, but feel like I've hit rock bottom all in one sitting. The word family has really began to strike my heart. When I speak the word, hear it, think about it I'm reminded that my family is forever changed due to the tremendous losses we've experienced. What once was is no longer. The dynamics have shifted. My life has shifted. I know that as we grow older we drift a bit from family, but I never thought that I would be at a place so young were family would be gone.
I've been dreaming of my Mother nearly every night since my Septoplasty surgery. She comes to me in a variety of ways. When she visits she's alive and it's as if she actually is. My mind almost convinces me that she has not passed. The dream feels so real, like she is there. Then my mind begins to process and changes the dream. I dream of her dying. Sometime it's the same way I saw her pass and other times it happens in a different way. Either way it's like my mind is trying to remind me that she isn't here, never will be, and I will never actually see her again, only in my dreams. My overly logical brain even has to remind me she is gone and take her from me.
It's hard to tell people how I feel, because most will just relate it back to their lived experiences. However, I lost my Mom at 22. That in itself is an unique experience. There are some that lost their mothers younger than me. Others that were at my age, but the majority of people I've talked to lost their parents a lot older. When they had been married or had kids. My Mother never and will never have an opportunity to see that side of my life. In a way I want to shout at them and say "you don't know how I feel. Your experience is not mine." There are times I want to tell them they should just be grateful that they had their parent for the time they did and their parent saw things that mine will never see. The communicator in me bites my tongue. "Don't be so insensitive" I tell myself as I let the rage inside me boil. So I suppress and smile until I end up in complete darkness. An eclipse inside of my mind. A dark period that struggles to let in daylight.
I know I was lucky to have the Mother that I did. I've never met a woman so supportive, kind, caring, and selfless as my Mother. Seeing other people's experiences and realizing what I had makes me feel lucky. However, because I know how incredibly my Mother I'm constantly effected by that loss. I teach the way I do, behave the way I do, try to be thoughtful the way that I am to show the world the incredible person my Mom was. By knowing me I hope that people can see her. I know that she lives in me. I miss you Mom. I love you.
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Those who need it most are often left ignored
As someone who is constantly working toward understanding others, making sense of lived experiences, and getting a sense of peoples stories I have become exceptionally observant over time. I look for patterns in the most mundane of experiences, because they are there, and they speak volumes. Perhaps the most interesting and terrifying patterns I've observed is the reaction many have to those who are suffering from a mental illness or even a terminal disease. People begin to slowly disconnect themselves from those individuals. A person who once got "liked" on social media, or called on a regular basis suddenly becomes a ghost. And in my experience and observations, those who become these "ghosts" and are now ignored for their pain (whether that be physical or emotional) are often the ones who need the attention and comfort the most. Yet we stray away.
I have come to understand why this happens with terminal illness. When someone is terminally ill, many people begin to grieve before the loss. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. Additionally, hope begins to transition to something else. This leaves the person on the other end of a normal conversation left with nothing to say. I also feel that sometimes, witnessing death, makes us actualize our own mortality. Mortality is often not thought about, because lets face it, many of us fear death. However, in these last moments, the last memories, should we not try to make them special for the person dying? There are moments I recall my mother and my last memories together. Sometimes, I have trouble recalling them because I was working 2 jobs and going to graduate school. I was "too busy" to see what was right in front of me. My own mothers mortality. I remember that my mom began to give me a lot of advice in those last few weeks. To this day, I still cherish that advice. However, I pause and begin to wonder what advice I gave her? What conversations did I have to comfort her? It is hard to recall any. The one thing I do recall was that she was strong for us. She was more concerned with how we would survive after this loss. "What will the kids do?" "You have to make sure my kids are okay". It baffles me that someone who is in the last moments of their life cares not about themselves, but those "surviving". What could I have said to her though? I think about this often. How can I learn from my own experience and help those in their last moments together. I think most people feel some degree of guilt regardless of the situation, but when you have that opportunity to say goodbye, how can we? My mom was scared, she did need us. I witnessed so many ignorant people staring at her in a wheel chair. There were days I wanted to yell at those people.
Which brings me to my next point, more wanting to scream and yell. Mental illness is viewed so negatively in society. Reading comments or just seeing reactions of people following the death of someone who did so much for me emotionally over the years is just revolting. It makes me lose faith in people. I have said it once, and I'll say it a million more times. People who commit suicide are NOT cowards. Imagine, for a moment, that you had to take your own life, would it be easy? That is not an easy way out. Often, those who take their life, have dealt with years of emotional pain. The pain becomes so difficult that it consumes that person. Much like illness, people begin to avoid you if you have a mental illness or depressed. However, it is not because it forces us to face our mortality. If we are not depressed, or have not experienced similar pain, we just assume that mental illness can be "fixed". It becomes something that is not an illness at all, but rather self inflicted pain. Each person experiences pain differently. If you are happy, or even in your worst moment couldn't imagine taking your life, don't assume that everyone should feel the same as you. I am an open person about depression, because so few people are. I can guarantee few people will react to this blog just as few people react to posts I make about depression. We always like the "happy" (literally on social media and in our lives). We always want to talk about the "good moments of life". However, those happy moments are often overshadowed by the bad. We've been trained to almost push away any of the bad, but that is not realistic. The biggest issues with humanity today is the lack of empathy for others, selfishness, cruelty, and ignorance. So many people are entitled, thinking that they "know everything" when really, they know nothing. Their beliefs overpower their ability to think critically and as a result they attack. They belittle to get their point across. They call names to feel superior. It has become increasingly more difficult to have a civil conversation with people about many topics these days. I have said this once, I will say it hundreds of times.
Think about it for a moment, when was the last time you had a bad day? How many people did you feel comfortable talking about that bad day? If you did talk about that bad day, how many people offered advice on how you can "fix" that bad day? How many people just allowed you to explore your feelings? How many people told you I just want to be here to listen to you? How many people took more then a few moments to just hear you out? Who told you, I'm sorry that sucks and then just ignored you? In my opinion, we need to encourage people to share their emotions. We need to train people to provide empathetic responses. Instead of just saying "we care" we should actually enact it and show it. I've spent hours in my office just listening to anyone who needs to be listened to. Since the death of Chester, I have went online and offered a listening to shoulder, for anyone who feels they are alone or misunderstood about this loss. For years, I volunteered for a help desk and online forums to help those dealing with eating disorders, abuse, and self-harm. Why? Where most people would not want to deal with that, or have "better things to do" I thought about how alone those individuals most feel. I felt their pain. I wanted more then anything to try my best to alleviate their pain, even if only for a moment. I wanted to show them a basic premise, something so many of us forget to enact, kindness.
I encourage each of you to stop just paying attention to the "good stuff". Stop filtering out the bad. Take a moment in your day, if someone posts something sad, to say something kind. You never know how one simple comment can change someones day for the better. You don't know what 30 minutes to an hour of your time just listening to someone can do for their mental health. There is someone I helped for years I lost, and I think what I could have done more to help them. I mentored them online on the helpdesk. I was personally thanked by a family member of theirs for all my help and how I changed her life. I now recognize that sometimes we lose the battle with our mental illness, regardless of the help we receive. We are all busy, we all have our own struggles, but there are people out there who really need someone. Don't ignore the signs. Don't assume someone's pain can just be fixed. Educate yourself and think about your words and what they can do to someone.
I have come to understand why this happens with terminal illness. When someone is terminally ill, many people begin to grieve before the loss. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. Additionally, hope begins to transition to something else. This leaves the person on the other end of a normal conversation left with nothing to say. I also feel that sometimes, witnessing death, makes us actualize our own mortality. Mortality is often not thought about, because lets face it, many of us fear death. However, in these last moments, the last memories, should we not try to make them special for the person dying? There are moments I recall my mother and my last memories together. Sometimes, I have trouble recalling them because I was working 2 jobs and going to graduate school. I was "too busy" to see what was right in front of me. My own mothers mortality. I remember that my mom began to give me a lot of advice in those last few weeks. To this day, I still cherish that advice. However, I pause and begin to wonder what advice I gave her? What conversations did I have to comfort her? It is hard to recall any. The one thing I do recall was that she was strong for us. She was more concerned with how we would survive after this loss. "What will the kids do?" "You have to make sure my kids are okay". It baffles me that someone who is in the last moments of their life cares not about themselves, but those "surviving". What could I have said to her though? I think about this often. How can I learn from my own experience and help those in their last moments together. I think most people feel some degree of guilt regardless of the situation, but when you have that opportunity to say goodbye, how can we? My mom was scared, she did need us. I witnessed so many ignorant people staring at her in a wheel chair. There were days I wanted to yell at those people.
Which brings me to my next point, more wanting to scream and yell. Mental illness is viewed so negatively in society. Reading comments or just seeing reactions of people following the death of someone who did so much for me emotionally over the years is just revolting. It makes me lose faith in people. I have said it once, and I'll say it a million more times. People who commit suicide are NOT cowards. Imagine, for a moment, that you had to take your own life, would it be easy? That is not an easy way out. Often, those who take their life, have dealt with years of emotional pain. The pain becomes so difficult that it consumes that person. Much like illness, people begin to avoid you if you have a mental illness or depressed. However, it is not because it forces us to face our mortality. If we are not depressed, or have not experienced similar pain, we just assume that mental illness can be "fixed". It becomes something that is not an illness at all, but rather self inflicted pain. Each person experiences pain differently. If you are happy, or even in your worst moment couldn't imagine taking your life, don't assume that everyone should feel the same as you. I am an open person about depression, because so few people are. I can guarantee few people will react to this blog just as few people react to posts I make about depression. We always like the "happy" (literally on social media and in our lives). We always want to talk about the "good moments of life". However, those happy moments are often overshadowed by the bad. We've been trained to almost push away any of the bad, but that is not realistic. The biggest issues with humanity today is the lack of empathy for others, selfishness, cruelty, and ignorance. So many people are entitled, thinking that they "know everything" when really, they know nothing. Their beliefs overpower their ability to think critically and as a result they attack. They belittle to get their point across. They call names to feel superior. It has become increasingly more difficult to have a civil conversation with people about many topics these days. I have said this once, I will say it hundreds of times.Think about it for a moment, when was the last time you had a bad day? How many people did you feel comfortable talking about that bad day? If you did talk about that bad day, how many people offered advice on how you can "fix" that bad day? How many people just allowed you to explore your feelings? How many people told you I just want to be here to listen to you? How many people took more then a few moments to just hear you out? Who told you, I'm sorry that sucks and then just ignored you? In my opinion, we need to encourage people to share their emotions. We need to train people to provide empathetic responses. Instead of just saying "we care" we should actually enact it and show it. I've spent hours in my office just listening to anyone who needs to be listened to. Since the death of Chester, I have went online and offered a listening to shoulder, for anyone who feels they are alone or misunderstood about this loss. For years, I volunteered for a help desk and online forums to help those dealing with eating disorders, abuse, and self-harm. Why? Where most people would not want to deal with that, or have "better things to do" I thought about how alone those individuals most feel. I felt their pain. I wanted more then anything to try my best to alleviate their pain, even if only for a moment. I wanted to show them a basic premise, something so many of us forget to enact, kindness.I encourage each of you to stop just paying attention to the "good stuff". Stop filtering out the bad. Take a moment in your day, if someone posts something sad, to say something kind. You never know how one simple comment can change someones day for the better. You don't know what 30 minutes to an hour of your time just listening to someone can do for their mental health. There is someone I helped for years I lost, and I think what I could have done more to help them. I mentored them online on the helpdesk. I was personally thanked by a family member of theirs for all my help and how I changed her life. I now recognize that sometimes we lose the battle with our mental illness, regardless of the help we receive. We are all busy, we all have our own struggles, but there are people out there who really need someone. Don't ignore the signs. Don't assume someone's pain can just be fixed. Educate yourself and think about your words and what they can do to someone.
Friday, July 21, 2017
Coping with Loss
DISCLAIMER TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains information about depression and suicide that may trigger those with mental health conditions. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.
I am writing this blog as to not burden all those on my Facebook page with my ramblings. This blog also contains sensitive information that I rarely like to discuss so please if you will pass judgement on me based on what I have to say discontinue reading. It's difficult to see any optimism when life seems to beat you down so much. When so much of what you love and cherish is ripped from you in a moments notice. I am aware we all deal with a significant loss in our lives at some point, but no loss is the same. Any moment I mention my pain it always seems redirected, and I am left feeling forgotten. My pain almost doesn't seem tangible. I have always been the one to comfort. When I comfort I feel good, but I also desire to be comforted.
If anyone knows me they know I've been a fan of Linkin Park for nearly 20 years. There was only 10 years of my life without Linkin Park in it. They helped me through times when I didn't think I'd make it through life, when I was bullied, called fat, whale, pushed into lockers, brought into chat rooms to be harassed. There were days starting in middle school I didn't want to go. I stopped wearing my favorite color, purple, for years because someone asked me if I was wearing purple because I was round like a grape. I became self destructive at an early age. I suffered from an mental disorder (I do not wish to share about because I am ashamed) that dealt with self image for all of high school and undergrad. I engaged in other self destructive behavior. I was crying for help and nobody answered. Nobody understood. Everyone thought my life was perfect and I didn't have a right to feel the pain that I felt. My only saving grace during that stage of my life was Linkin Park. I could feel the emotion in their music, I felt like they were the only ones in the world to understand my pain. On days I felt like I was living in complete hell I would scream the lyrics to crawling at the top of my lungs. It made me feel free. It made me feel less numb.
On top of being bullied I dated abusive men, because I was convinced I had no self worth. That I was an idiot, ugly, undesirable, disgusting, etc. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something, but as my boyfriends said, I was just as worthless as I thought and I began to believe that. I constantly tried to be better to prove that I wasn't worthless. To prove that I could do great things. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried it was never enough. It got to the point where I expected to be cheated on because of how horrible I was. I remember finding out that one of my boyfriends cheated on me and he was staying at my house. He said he'd leave, but I said it was late and he could stay. I went to the family room with my headphones, blasted Linkin Park, and cried all night. My body, my mind, everything was in physical pain. That night I wrote and listened to Linkin Park to get me through. I listened, I wrote, so that I would not be self destructive.
People think if you self harm, have an eating disorder, are depressed, or have another mental condition that you did it yourself. I can't tell you how many people told me that I was the source of my problem. That I should just be "happy" and that I was "lucky" to have the life I had. Reading some of the comments upon the death of Chester Bennington I see the same sort of dismissive behavior "He had it all", "If he died then I'm screwed", "Coward", "Selfish". There are a lot of great supportive comments, but it's those dismissive comments that are the problem and why so many silence themselves when they are feeling so low. The "it could always be worse" guilt trip. The "your life isn't half bad". Or perhaps one of the worst is the "Well this happened to me, and I have it worse" comments. No two people cope with or deal with pain the same way. I volunteered hundreds of hours to a free help site in high school and college. I mentored young men and women struggling with sexual abuse, physical abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. I can tell you from talking to all those individuals not a single one of them had the same experience. Yes, there were patterns, but many dealt with it in some unique way. To try and compare your experience to everyone else's is so flawed beyond belief. I can't tell you how many times I've said my mom or brother died and someone went right into their own experience. I was 22 when I lost my mom. You were 45. Yes the pain is still bad, but there is no way our experience is the same with that big of an age gap. Even if there wasn't a huge age gap, the experience was still unique. I understand trying to relate, but maybe if we just listened instead of trying to relate it would make more of a difference. It's what I try to do if someone comes to me. Just listen. Because so many of us fail to do so.
Everyday is a new day for me with my own experiences of depression. As a professional, I don't feel like I can talk about half the stuff I would hope to share in fear of being judged. I also view it as my responsibility to educate people about these issues that are so often not talked about. I often find myself torn between wanting to share my emotions, feelings, and experiences so that others feel less alone. However, I also silence myself and don't share a lot in fear of judgement. It's a painful dichotomy to be trapped in. So I find most days I fake a smile. I overextend and work myself to forget that I'm even really living. I figure if I am too busy to think, then I won't feel depression.
Chester's passing has triggered a pain I have pushed down further and further since my brother died. Just like my brothers death triggered a pain I pushed down with the loss of my mom. I push these feelings so far that I have periods where I'm not sure how to function. This band, the band that got me, the band that helped me through so much pain..... will never be the same if they even continue to make music. I am not this fanatical usually, but this is different. As I write this I listen to them and I am pained to know that the one group that made it better for me is dealing with this loss. Depression is no joke. Pain is no joke. So many people turn away in fear and are not sure how to respond to someone who is depressed. This is why we need more programs, more education, and more research on suicide. So that we can be better equipped to help people. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. 44,193 people die of suicide each year (2016). There is an average of 121 people who will die each day to suicide. And yet, suicide and depression is one of the few things I hear about. We rarely talk about it as an issue. Recently, more celebrities have been trying to spread awareness, but it is about more then that. It is about creating an open space where people can talk. Where people won't feel judged. Where people aren't concerned that saying "I'm depressed" or "feeling suicidal" will ruin their careers, personal relationships, and reputation. I certainly fear these issues just by writing this very vulnerable blog. However, if I can help someone in writing I will continue to.
To give you an idea of how my brain and emotions work while listening to a Linkin Park Song, I'm going to show you those feelings as I listen. One more light became my favorite song just before Chester took his life. Those feelings
Should have stayed, were the signs, I ignored.
What could I have done for those I've lost to suicide? I lost a girl I mentored for years online and I blamed myself to this day. If I would have said the right thing, maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have saved her. What about my brother? I had to have known there were signs. Why could I not do more?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore
I think of this every time I have had someone come to me with a problem or just to cry. I want to take away their pain if I can. I want to help them. When my mom died she was in a great deal of pain and I remember being in the room wishing that I could take her pain. The worst feeling in the world is to know someone is in emotional or physical pain and you can't do anything. Or you think you could have done more.
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep
The world is full of such cruelty, judgement, and hateful people. Sometimes the best times in life are when you are just with those who you feel the closest to, who can't hurt you.
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
The love, the relationships of those that have passed. We sometimes can't keep that love, but we can have it at some point. I will never meet anyone like my mom. People don't understand that love of a mother is gone for me. I will never have her back.
If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
There are millions of people in the world, so what does it matter if one person dies? I care when I hear about any death, those that touch me and those that don't. Those people all had something or effected someone in some way and now they are gone.
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
This lyric really influenced me. It made me realize just how fragile we are. So many people just forget when someone dies. Or they think that you need to "get over" or "move on" from that death. You never move on when a loved one passes away, you learn to live with the pain. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take away your pain. It kills me that my husband, if I have kids: my kids, and so many others that have come into my life will NEVER meet my mother. They will know her stories, but never her. We are more then a moment to be forgotten. We are a legacy to leave on.
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do
I care too much as a hyper empath.
The reminders pull the floor from your feet
When I am reminded of my mom or my brother I feel as though I'm literally falling down an endless pit. These lyric touches me so much. My mom's birthday is 07/28 her death anniversary is 04/04. Same goes for the anniversaries/birthday for my brother. I do not want to do anything on those days, but cry and allow myself to feel the pain. They remind me of happy days, but also the most painful days of my life. July 20th will go down as one of the most painful days for me. Because now when I listen to Linkin Park all I can think about his death. The group that changed my life, was with me, understood me, is gone :(
In the kitchen one more chair than you need
There will always be 2 places gone; one for my mom and one for my brother. Christmas will never be the same. Holidays in general suck. Things change so much and you are expected to just carry on and deal with it. I'm tired of dealing with it.
Ohhhhhh and you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
This lyric.... changed.... me. This changed me before hearing the news of Chester, but now it means even more. I can't tell you how unfair I've felt that I lost my mom, my brother, and dealt with the pain of bullying and abuse. I always tried to be a good person. I have always wanted to help people and do things for people. Knowing that I had to deal with so much loss so early on and deal with bullying and pain just makes me feel angry and like I've been dealt a bad hand. But we have a right to feel that way. Few people will say "you deserve to feel that way" or "you should feel that way" or "it's okay to feel that way, you have a right to". It is so important to acknowledge and legitimize peoples feelings.
Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
My mom suffered from depression too, but you could see what ailed her. She had cancer and was very apparently sick. People seem to assume that if you don't look sick or you seem fine, that you are. Mental illness is invisible. You can't see when someone is in pain. I feel that there are some that have depression that are able to hide it amazingly because they've learned how to over the years. Even those with disabilities you can't always see. For instance, I'm hearing impaired and many people don't know that because my hearing aids are small and for years I didn't wear hearing aids. That is why depression and mental illness are so lethal, it's because we often don't see it and so out of sight out of mind. Look for the warning signs.
If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do
I'm going to end this blog by saying that I can't thank Linkin Park enough for how they have personally touched my life. I am completely at a loss and heartbroken over this and I don't know that I will ever really be able to cope with this loss, just as I never will cope with the loss of my mom or brother. I will learn, as I always do, how to manage the pain enough to get me by and hopefully use this experience as a means of helping others. Please know that you don't have to suffer alone if you are reading this and need someone to talk to I will always be a listening ear.
I am writing this blog as to not burden all those on my Facebook page with my ramblings. This blog also contains sensitive information that I rarely like to discuss so please if you will pass judgement on me based on what I have to say discontinue reading. It's difficult to see any optimism when life seems to beat you down so much. When so much of what you love and cherish is ripped from you in a moments notice. I am aware we all deal with a significant loss in our lives at some point, but no loss is the same. Any moment I mention my pain it always seems redirected, and I am left feeling forgotten. My pain almost doesn't seem tangible. I have always been the one to comfort. When I comfort I feel good, but I also desire to be comforted.
If anyone knows me they know I've been a fan of Linkin Park for nearly 20 years. There was only 10 years of my life without Linkin Park in it. They helped me through times when I didn't think I'd make it through life, when I was bullied, called fat, whale, pushed into lockers, brought into chat rooms to be harassed. There were days starting in middle school I didn't want to go. I stopped wearing my favorite color, purple, for years because someone asked me if I was wearing purple because I was round like a grape. I became self destructive at an early age. I suffered from an mental disorder (I do not wish to share about because I am ashamed) that dealt with self image for all of high school and undergrad. I engaged in other self destructive behavior. I was crying for help and nobody answered. Nobody understood. Everyone thought my life was perfect and I didn't have a right to feel the pain that I felt. My only saving grace during that stage of my life was Linkin Park. I could feel the emotion in their music, I felt like they were the only ones in the world to understand my pain. On days I felt like I was living in complete hell I would scream the lyrics to crawling at the top of my lungs. It made me feel free. It made me feel less numb.
On top of being bullied I dated abusive men, because I was convinced I had no self worth. That I was an idiot, ugly, undesirable, disgusting, etc. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something, but as my boyfriends said, I was just as worthless as I thought and I began to believe that. I constantly tried to be better to prove that I wasn't worthless. To prove that I could do great things. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried it was never enough. It got to the point where I expected to be cheated on because of how horrible I was. I remember finding out that one of my boyfriends cheated on me and he was staying at my house. He said he'd leave, but I said it was late and he could stay. I went to the family room with my headphones, blasted Linkin Park, and cried all night. My body, my mind, everything was in physical pain. That night I wrote and listened to Linkin Park to get me through. I listened, I wrote, so that I would not be self destructive.
People think if you self harm, have an eating disorder, are depressed, or have another mental condition that you did it yourself. I can't tell you how many people told me that I was the source of my problem. That I should just be "happy" and that I was "lucky" to have the life I had. Reading some of the comments upon the death of Chester Bennington I see the same sort of dismissive behavior "He had it all", "If he died then I'm screwed", "Coward", "Selfish". There are a lot of great supportive comments, but it's those dismissive comments that are the problem and why so many silence themselves when they are feeling so low. The "it could always be worse" guilt trip. The "your life isn't half bad". Or perhaps one of the worst is the "Well this happened to me, and I have it worse" comments. No two people cope with or deal with pain the same way. I volunteered hundreds of hours to a free help site in high school and college. I mentored young men and women struggling with sexual abuse, physical abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. I can tell you from talking to all those individuals not a single one of them had the same experience. Yes, there were patterns, but many dealt with it in some unique way. To try and compare your experience to everyone else's is so flawed beyond belief. I can't tell you how many times I've said my mom or brother died and someone went right into their own experience. I was 22 when I lost my mom. You were 45. Yes the pain is still bad, but there is no way our experience is the same with that big of an age gap. Even if there wasn't a huge age gap, the experience was still unique. I understand trying to relate, but maybe if we just listened instead of trying to relate it would make more of a difference. It's what I try to do if someone comes to me. Just listen. Because so many of us fail to do so.
Everyday is a new day for me with my own experiences of depression. As a professional, I don't feel like I can talk about half the stuff I would hope to share in fear of being judged. I also view it as my responsibility to educate people about these issues that are so often not talked about. I often find myself torn between wanting to share my emotions, feelings, and experiences so that others feel less alone. However, I also silence myself and don't share a lot in fear of judgement. It's a painful dichotomy to be trapped in. So I find most days I fake a smile. I overextend and work myself to forget that I'm even really living. I figure if I am too busy to think, then I won't feel depression.
Chester's passing has triggered a pain I have pushed down further and further since my brother died. Just like my brothers death triggered a pain I pushed down with the loss of my mom. I push these feelings so far that I have periods where I'm not sure how to function. This band, the band that got me, the band that helped me through so much pain..... will never be the same if they even continue to make music. I am not this fanatical usually, but this is different. As I write this I listen to them and I am pained to know that the one group that made it better for me is dealing with this loss. Depression is no joke. Pain is no joke. So many people turn away in fear and are not sure how to respond to someone who is depressed. This is why we need more programs, more education, and more research on suicide. So that we can be better equipped to help people. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. 44,193 people die of suicide each year (2016). There is an average of 121 people who will die each day to suicide. And yet, suicide and depression is one of the few things I hear about. We rarely talk about it as an issue. Recently, more celebrities have been trying to spread awareness, but it is about more then that. It is about creating an open space where people can talk. Where people won't feel judged. Where people aren't concerned that saying "I'm depressed" or "feeling suicidal" will ruin their careers, personal relationships, and reputation. I certainly fear these issues just by writing this very vulnerable blog. However, if I can help someone in writing I will continue to.
To give you an idea of how my brain and emotions work while listening to a Linkin Park Song, I'm going to show you those feelings as I listen. One more light became my favorite song just before Chester took his life. Those feelings
Should have stayed, were the signs, I ignored.
What could I have done for those I've lost to suicide? I lost a girl I mentored for years online and I blamed myself to this day. If I would have said the right thing, maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have saved her. What about my brother? I had to have known there were signs. Why could I not do more?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore
I think of this every time I have had someone come to me with a problem or just to cry. I want to take away their pain if I can. I want to help them. When my mom died she was in a great deal of pain and I remember being in the room wishing that I could take her pain. The worst feeling in the world is to know someone is in emotional or physical pain and you can't do anything. Or you think you could have done more.
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep
The world is full of such cruelty, judgement, and hateful people. Sometimes the best times in life are when you are just with those who you feel the closest to, who can't hurt you.
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
The love, the relationships of those that have passed. We sometimes can't keep that love, but we can have it at some point. I will never meet anyone like my mom. People don't understand that love of a mother is gone for me. I will never have her back.
If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
There are millions of people in the world, so what does it matter if one person dies? I care when I hear about any death, those that touch me and those that don't. Those people all had something or effected someone in some way and now they are gone.
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
This lyric really influenced me. It made me realize just how fragile we are. So many people just forget when someone dies. Or they think that you need to "get over" or "move on" from that death. You never move on when a loved one passes away, you learn to live with the pain. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take away your pain. It kills me that my husband, if I have kids: my kids, and so many others that have come into my life will NEVER meet my mother. They will know her stories, but never her. We are more then a moment to be forgotten. We are a legacy to leave on.
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do
I care too much as a hyper empath.
The reminders pull the floor from your feet
When I am reminded of my mom or my brother I feel as though I'm literally falling down an endless pit. These lyric touches me so much. My mom's birthday is 07/28 her death anniversary is 04/04. Same goes for the anniversaries/birthday for my brother. I do not want to do anything on those days, but cry and allow myself to feel the pain. They remind me of happy days, but also the most painful days of my life. July 20th will go down as one of the most painful days for me. Because now when I listen to Linkin Park all I can think about his death. The group that changed my life, was with me, understood me, is gone :(
In the kitchen one more chair than you need
There will always be 2 places gone; one for my mom and one for my brother. Christmas will never be the same. Holidays in general suck. Things change so much and you are expected to just carry on and deal with it. I'm tired of dealing with it.
Ohhhhhh and you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
This lyric.... changed.... me. This changed me before hearing the news of Chester, but now it means even more. I can't tell you how unfair I've felt that I lost my mom, my brother, and dealt with the pain of bullying and abuse. I always tried to be a good person. I have always wanted to help people and do things for people. Knowing that I had to deal with so much loss so early on and deal with bullying and pain just makes me feel angry and like I've been dealt a bad hand. But we have a right to feel that way. Few people will say "you deserve to feel that way" or "you should feel that way" or "it's okay to feel that way, you have a right to". It is so important to acknowledge and legitimize peoples feelings.
Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
My mom suffered from depression too, but you could see what ailed her. She had cancer and was very apparently sick. People seem to assume that if you don't look sick or you seem fine, that you are. Mental illness is invisible. You can't see when someone is in pain. I feel that there are some that have depression that are able to hide it amazingly because they've learned how to over the years. Even those with disabilities you can't always see. For instance, I'm hearing impaired and many people don't know that because my hearing aids are small and for years I didn't wear hearing aids. That is why depression and mental illness are so lethal, it's because we often don't see it and so out of sight out of mind. Look for the warning signs.
If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do