Will you always Remember?

Dearest friend,

Will you never fail to remember my name? Will you always keep me in  your mind when we reach points of life that seem bleak? I will take your hand and stand by your side always. Nothing can match the tremendous amount of love I have for you. If it is any consolation please just remember that you are not alone. You are never alone.

The epitome of reflection. Notes from old friends, memories that seem to resemble nothing but a shattered mirror. Our pasts become fragments, which we recreate the way we see them. Our minds are powerful tools, which enable us to convince ourselves that something happened in a particular way, which may not be at all accurate to actual history. Just as we attempt to put our shattered mirrors back together, history does in the same fashion. Does anyone really know what happens? Does anyone really understand where we are in our own lives?

I was awoken this morning by a storm. When I awoke I looked outside to see a world encased in gray. Black nor white existed and the only light produced was the lightening. I placed my hand on the glass door and felt a tear trickle down my eye. When it rained I always thought the angels cried. It was my crafty way of explaining why rain existed, but when I looked outside I wondered if my mom was crying for me. This sounds quite depressing, but it is not. I was able to talk yesterday about my feelings and I have a new found knowledge of what is actually going inside my mind.

I'm a thinker, an analyst. I find pleasure in attempting to predict the future when I have come to realize we can't really predict anything, nor can we explain anything. I have to say goodbye and let go. As much as that pains me I can't hold onto the hope that my mom will come back or give me a sign, because she won't. My future is not able to be predicted, because anything can happen. I can die tomorrow, lose my friends, or find out that I just won a bunch of hello kitty stuff. Life can be both positive in negative in nature, but it isn't about what life throws at you it is being able to be a survivor. The person I spoke with told me that I was a survivor that despite the hardship I was on my feet, determined to push forward.

I had been hard on myself these past few months questioning my intelligence, questioning whether or not I was capable of doing much of anything. I gave myself a death sentence before my own death. I had done what I had so often discouraged before and just lived to be alive. There was no purpose, no meaning, no motivation to do much of anything. I had become something I hardly recognized. I was no longer the woman that I aspired to become and I had become lost in the abyss of simply living. I had forgotten what had once made me happy, but I am slowly getting back to who I once was and am feeling as though motivation is starting to come back. I am a woman who never gives up in the face of defeat, and though I have had some humps in the road I got over them and still remain standing.

It's time to be the person I aspire and encourage myself to be. We all live our lives the way we see suiting. I want to help people and use my writing to do just that. My writing has enabled me to get very far in life, and when I was alone I had my blogs and written form to help get me through the troubling times. My mom was able to see the person I was through my blogging and writing. She saw the heart and soul I had. I'm not a perfect person. I don't always say things that are agreeable to people, but I try to live my life as kindly as possible. I do not have the intention of hurting others, nor do I wish to be something I am not. I will speak my mind, but I will not change for someone. Accepting who you are is the biggest struggle to get over in life, but it is vital to always be yourself and never allow that to change.

My memories are just projections of who I was, but do not define who I am. I am Alexis Waters. I am going for my PhD. I place high value on helping others, because I feel too often we go through problems alone. The people in my life I'd do anything for and I treat well. I wish I could have done more for my mom. I hope that the world will be a better place in time, because I believe people are inherently good. I'm a nerd who loves spiderman, because Stan Lee's comics have taught me so much about myself and how to live with integrity. That is all I love you all.

<3
Alexis Zoe

I hope you dance.

That which once was beautiful to me seems to have turned into a black abyss. The waves crash towards me and as each hits I feel a pain strike my heart. The radiant glow my heart once produced slowly dulls, causing my mind to slowly evaporate. The world no longer becomes full of questions that my mind so furiously tries to answer, but becomes full of painstakingly unwillingness to do much of anything.

"It appears," I begin muttering to myself "as though I have lost more than I initially thought."

I stand walking towards the darkness as cold consumes my body. The cold usually bothers me, but now I feel as though my world is cold and almost have grown a new immunity to it. I remember the waves of Lake Michigan the day my Mother passed away. Lake Michigan and Chicago seem so much more horrific to me now, but when I try to blame Chicago for producing these thoughts of despair I remember the times I have outside of Chicago. Something as simple as pushing a cart brings me back to chemotherapy sessions, where I am pushing my darling Mother in her wheel chair. She smiles at me, despite my horrendous ability to steer anything. She jokes with me telling me I'm an awful driver in a cute little tone. Her laughter keeps my heart glowing and even during times of darkness my Mother keeps a light going within me.

My mom was half of my heart and the reason that I entitled this blog I hope you dance is because that was her wish for me. My Mother only wanted the best for both my brother and I. I found myself attempting to get my head screwed back on this week. It seemed that without my muse for writing it was difficult, but as I progressed my mind slowly transformed back into the mind I once had. The very same mind that often received praise of brilliance and inspiration. My mother was not afraid to tell me my flaws or strengths and reading my writing was something she thoroughly enjoyed. In fact, she was probably the only one to read every single one of these blogs and tell me how beautifully written it was and what an impressive young woman. When I felt as though I had to lay down and quit I listened to I hope you dance and cried for my mom. I felt her love and I know she heard me. I can't if she could see me the pain she would feel. My Mother wanted nothing but our happiness and this week has been a struggle full of sickness and panic attacks.

Truth is I'm not brilliant, inspirational, or even an impressive young lady. I'm just me and though I have these vast amount of thoughts it does not alienate me from others. I write because it helps me make sense of what I find to be distasteful in the world. My words are intended to mend others hearts who experience such terrifying occurrences that should cease to exist.  I know what it feels like to be alone and it is perhaps the most frightening experience. Being alone. Alone. This past year really I've felt quite alone as if I've contracted some disease. The infection spreads and it seems the more the disease progresses the more bad news I receive. I have accepted that I have very few who actually care about my well being, but it does not prevent me from wishing I could help others. I will continue to use my words to help and if that's inspiration I feel overwhelming amounts of joy.

My Mother battled so hard and each time I thought of laying down and giving up I thought of what my Mother did for me. People have asked me how I've managed to stay so strong and I will admit I have had breakdowns I'm normal and am in no way an impressive young lady. I have some very wonderful people in my life and I have an angel watching me everyday. I pray to see her again and want to live on to show the world what kind of woman I am. I have my mother to thank for transforming me into the woman that I am. She rescued me when I was at my lowest and loved me no matter what mistakes I made. I was perfect. I will never be perfect to anyone again. I will never be number one to anyone. My mom struggled for my brother and I. No one will do what she did. No one will sit up with me all night when I'm sick and crying. No one will make me feel as though I have no flaws. No one will be prouder.

My message to you all, when you feel alone remember there is someone who loves you like this. You may not always feel this love, but trust me when it is gone you will realize it existed. Survival and getting through hardship is dependent on how you choose to perceive your experience. You control your mental well being and when it feels hard remember there are people who struggle everyday worse than yourself. They would do anything to be in the position that you are. We are all very lucky, each person I've met in my life is doing fairly well for themselves and this should be satisfying in itself. I have accepted that even if things do not go according to plan I will get through and find a way. My mom taught me to not be a quitter and that is not who I am in her memory I will continue to be the unstoppable force I once was. I will mend hearts, I will be the sweetheart, and I will treat others with nothing but love. No one should be alone.

<3
Alexis Zoe