Dear World.

You perplex me so. The New Year has creeped upon us all again. Part of me is astonished at how quickly time seems to pass as you progress in life. I feel as though soon I will be thirty and indefinitely probably still searching for someone to spend the most frightening years of my life with. For some reason or other when people tell me that I am young I get somewhat defensive. My definition of young is teenager now, though I am not far from "teenage" years I still have surpassed most of the people my age. That being said I feel as though I have aged an extra 10 years placing me more around the age of 32. I am surrounded by older people in nearly all of my everyday interactions, thus I have become more friendly with those who are older than me. I am still far from mature and do act 22 most of the time, but when it comes to aspirations I am beyond most people my age. I long to make something of myself and help shape the world into a better place. Though I have come to accept that world peace is not only not healthy for the world, but also unattainable my goal in life is to make people smile. Everytime I see a sad person in my environment or during interaction I feel compelled to help. I just have these deep, intricate feelings inside of me that make me want to comfort and nurture. I feel as though I understand a lot, because I have experienced a lot and this has made me want to use those experiences to help others see that they can get through them.

I'm proud of myself. This year hasn't been perfect, but if I can say one thing about 2010 it was that I finally realized my self worth. Why? What has changed me so much that has made me respect myself so much more? I used to be one of those girls who was never good enough. I beat myself up more than anyone else in my life, because I had disliking for the person I was. I was never thin enough, smart enough, loving enough, perfect enough. I strived for perfection I gave my heart to anyone willing to take it only causing me more grief in the end. I disrespected myself with late nights of drinking, flirting, and being someone I was not. I put my education on hold for others and let others define me. I hurt myself that was all I was doing to myself. Everytime I spent 2 hours at the gym I beat myself up running over 8 miles just to feel pretty. I'd convince myself that I would never amount to anything. I wrote something wonderful and deleted it embarrassed by my writing deeming myself incapable. I have flaws. I can't be perfect. I'm not made to be perfect, but perfection does not define beauty. 2010 made me realize that I am beautiful and that if I become my own worse enemy I'm only destroying myself. This year I was extremely destructive and I have no one to blame, but myself.

In November when I was out with my family I looked at my life and myself. I realized that I have become so concerned with others I forgot to help myself. When I looked at my wonderful family I realized that they were the ones who really cared, not some boy. When I got a massive amount of texts from friends I abandoned and treated like strangers I saw just how many friends I have that actually care and never abandon me even in my darkest hours. I came to the conclusion that this year and years past I let someone define me. I was controlled. This year has been the greatest blessing despite all of the terrible things that have happened. I have finally become comfortable with who I am. I now know that I am not perfect and that striving for perfection will just be futile attempts at meaningless life. I have learned to say yes to going out with friends instead of locking myself in my room writing. I have explored places that I said I'd never explore. I have found the girl I was so many years ago and am no longer obsessed with being beautiful, because I know that I am. I see the beauty in everything and life has become so much less mundane.

This is the happiest I have been in years. I no longer feel obligated to anything or anyone, but I do feel that I can be the right person for someone. I'm not entirely sure that makes sense so let me elaborate. I believe that I can be a better lover, friend, daughter. I have a greater sense of how precious life is and how the simple things are all you really need. I know that things in life are not certain, but the uncertainty is what makes life so interesting. I want to take long drives like I did so many years in the past enjoying the country side, I want to go downtown to random little neighborhoods and buy myself lose tea and drink coffee in cafes. I want to ride my bike around sunset and take in the world. I want to read books that will change my life and have deep, riveting conversations with people. I want to remember what it means to see the world in color instead of shades of gray. I want to keep fighting for my dreams and stop settling for what's easy and safe. Life is about living courageously and constantly fighting to stay on top. My mom has taught me this fundamental lesson with her own battle. I really do count my blessings now and am so grateful for what I have and do not focus on that which I lack.

It seems so many people let things in life get in the way. If you love someone love them despite what others say. Recognize that they say these things because they love you, but you have to find out for yourself. Don't let material possessions define your life memories are so much more valuable. Don't be afraid to be the person that you are, because there is always somebody who isn't going to like your style or who you are. Never manipulate yourself and accept not everyone is going to fall madly in love with the person that you are. Set goals for yourself and don't accept no for an answer. We are limitless and though our goals may be more difficult to achieve if you don't try you never know what could be. If you want something bad enough fight for it. Love the people in your life as if they will die tomorrow, because you never know when life will be taken from us. Don't focus on the negative and what you don't have and remember what you do have. Negate a negative and turn it into a positive.

Every year I make resolutions. The mundane. I feel compelled to make a list to enable me to have concrete evidence of what I should do. Life isn't about making lists or New Years Resolutions. The resolution you should make to yourself is that you will live more. That you won't limit yourself with definitions of what life should be, but be spontaneous and act with your heart sometimes and not just your mind. May be silly and  irrational, but guess what? You only have one shot at life and ultimately you have to satisfy yourself. At the end if you can't say that you are ready to go and have done everything you wanted then what kind of life did you lead? A miserable one. I'm not ready to be miserable. I want to love, cry, laugh, dance, and write. I want to be myself and not be afraid of that. The world is much bigger than ourselves and much more beautiful. Get out there, be passionate, and stay true to you.

Happy New Year darlings.

<3 always,
Alexis Zoe

What makes you think I enjoy being led to the flood?

Recently I went to Milwaukee and on my trip up there I looked at the lake. The skies were gray, preparing for the eminent snow approaching. The sky was a deep blue and the waves were tremendous.The weekend after I was in Milwaukee I went down to Navy Pier and looked at the lake from a different angle. It was still the same deep, rich blue that it was in Milwaukee but there was something different. The lake almost looked like a sapphire with tiny waves attempting to grow. The sky was still filled with gray clouds, but the skyline made the clouds appear as a backdrop. Lake Michigan is the same in both Milwaukee and Chicago, but the experience is entirely different between the two. Both are beautiful and both are as vast as an ocean. Both remind me how precious life is and how even though we are experiencing things differently from where we are in life we still have this one life. We are presented with the opportunity to live life from different angles and are able to enhance ourselves. On the train ride home today from Wicker Park I did a lot of thinking. I know, I never think this may come as a surprise to you, but in all seriousness I realize how wonderful of a person I am. I now understand what is important to me and I feel as though I have this newfound understanding of myself.

My mother has taught me a lot about myself and has really put into perspective what is important. This holiday season was one of the best. I think I appreciated it a lot more than previous years. It was difficult, because I know my holidays are limited the way they are. I am starting to accept the fact that I'm going to have to deal with the hardest thing in my entire life. I recognize the fact that I will most likely have to deal with it alone and that no one in my life understands what I am going through right now. With all of this being said I have also accepted that I am comfortable with this. I used to really get upset over such petty stuff. Things always got to me and I became so sensitive. As I've lived through a lot these recent months I have learned that I am stronger than I think and that it is okay to cry. I have learned that I am not perfect and it is okay to make mistakes and that beating myself up about it is pointless. Failure is okay and healthy. If we do not fail we do know appreciate what we gain as much and I no longer feel the need to strive for perfection. I'm just Lexy. I'm imperfect, but so is everyone else in the world. Our imperfections separate us from others and can be the most beautiful part of who we are.

I am emotional, but sweet. I procrastinate when I am involved with someone in life and realize that I have to put myself before anyone else, but my family. I am in love with my parents and I don't care who doesn't like them because they are my life. I can be insecure and am constantly trying to improve myself. I think my insecurities are a good thing, because they keep me in check. If I fall in love with someone they become my light. I will treat them like royalty, but if they do my wrong I will never give them a second chance. I am so into anything vintage, because I love the history it holds. Plus I think I look slightly more adorable when incorporating vintage into my wardrobe. My most cherished moments are the spontaneous memories I make with people. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or crazy, just being excited to be alive with someone and enjoying living. I analyze everything in life, not because I'm neurotic, but because I love thinking. The more analysis I do and the more I attempt to understand the better understanding of a person I feel I become. All I want in my life is others happiness, but I have learned that you can't sacrifice your own. My dream in life is to find someone who understands me and wants to adventure and live with me. I have so much life and curiosity and I want to experience the world with someone who can enjoy my tastes. Sometimes I'm not the best friend, but I love my friends more than they could ever imagine.

I am a dreamer. I live big. I believe that we have to fight for what we believe in and always be ourselves. I am starting to be more comfortable with myself and have realized that all the negative that happened in 2010 will be replaced by positive in 2011. I have so many goals for myself and I know that with hard work and more will power I can achieve them. I survived a semester of 2 jobs, work, completing a very very very rough draft of my thesis, and applied to PhD programs. I also was able to travel and see a lot of great sites this year. What does this mean for 2011? More traveling in my future, more writing, more running, more caring about me. This year is for Alexis and will not be lived for someone else. I lived for someone else and I realize how terribly mistaken I was. We so easily forget what's important to us when we get distracted, but I know this year is about sticking to my guns. It's about being who  I am and loving the life I live. This year I pray for my family, the poor people, and the world. I pray for the hundreds of men and women fighting and the women who fall victim to violence. I pray that I will have the strength to better myself and that I will find what I'm searching for when least expected.

I love you all so much. Never forget what is important in life, because that same thing could just as easily be taken from you. Keep my family in your prayers.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe