Loving Yourself Isn't Enough.

As most of you know I'm typically skeptical of self help anything. When I see self help books I chuckle at them and youtube channels are no exception either. The reason that the idea of self help gets me so heated is because I believe the only way to really help yourself is to search within yourself. I believe that the only person who can create happiness for you or do whats right for yourself is ultimately you. No persons advice or idea of what happiness and what do for yourself can really define what actions will make you happy. As much as I want to admit I have never read a self help book or watched a youtube channel I can not lie. Recently, I have watched self help channels on weight loss, inspiration, loss, and the like. I suppose what sparked this interest in self help is the idea of narratives behind such topics. After meeting with Professor Kellas and being enlightened on what narrative work is I find myself intrigued by any sort of narrative. Story telling does define who we are. Our stories bring forth a piece of ourselves.

Antishay (I believe this is her username on youtube) described how she always had these coping mechanisms to make herself appear as though she was strong and confident. That she wasn't always being true to herself and often she only had this conception of herself being strong and confident to suppress the vulnerability that existed within herself. When I really thought about the words she was using and explaining how she coped with shopping, food, drinking, and a lust for love I realized that I am similar to her. People see me as a strong individual who is a hard worker. Somebody who laughs in the face of struggle and combats with all force. I do fight and I do believe that I am strong, but I am also venerable. I cry when I write, because of the broken heart I am attempting to heal. I have had this broken heart for years and it has caused me to be a miserable person. If people really see the person I am inside they would not think I was the strong person that I mask myself to be. Goffman believes that we mask ourselves so much that we forget the people we are internally. I believe this is true in many circumstances and especially in mine.

Why do I care? Today I updated my status on how kind deeds seem to get me nowhere that being overtly nice actually left me less appreciated, but why should this matter? Should it not just be for the kindness in itself that makes me satisfied? Why am I searching for acceptance and love from acts of kindness? Have I become the selfish person that I feared so? I now know what I have been doing this entire time. Shopping and buying people things in order to get them to love me. I can not buy love. I can not expect someone to love me because I will do anything for them. They need to love me for the person I am inside not for the person I attempt to perceive myself as. I do not need romantic love to be happy, but I need self satisfaction. I need to allow myself to be vulnerable with others and I need to work on my soothing mechanisms. I shop because I care so much about my beauty. I have countless amounts of clothing, make up, and even cutesy things to decorate my room. My closest and drawers are full of materials that really are not necessary. Once I run out of what I need I will consume more product, but right now I have an excess of product exposing my need to fill a void within myself. Food has always been an issue for me. I struggled with my weight my entire life. When I lost nearly 100 lbs after high school I gave excuses to stay at the same weight. I'd workout, but wouldn't eat properly or eat properly and not workout. There needs to be a healthy combination of both and I need to be serious about this. My friends notice this correlation with me and dating. It's not difficult for me to find someone and this becomes a problem. I jump into relationships, rush them, don't enjoy being with myself. When we enter a relationship we have to put effort into not only ourselves, but the other person. I desire love so much that I would sacrifice parts of myself in order for them to be happy or what I believe will make them happy. I put up with abusive behaviors and become extremely needy. I believe my desire to have someone stems from my need to feel accepted. I always want to be perfect, the best person that I can be. I can't be the best person I am if I can't be happy alone with myself.

Instead of being depressed about being single again I am actually kind of happy it happened. My guy friends have been attempting to "get" me since I have become single. I have denied instead of jumping and I could not be any more proud of myself. I am taking this situation and looking back at all I've done wrong and what I need to be happy in the future. I need to work on myself and learn to be happy alone for a while. I can't lie to myself and convince myself that I am happy in a relationship. I can't force love or force someone else to love me. When love is meant to come it will and I will know that the person is right for me. Right now I'm not sure any of my prospects are right for me and honestly I want to focus on me. My mother is ill, I have goals I want to accomplish, and I may even be leaving this state within the next year. Traveling to San Fran also helped me realize a lot of this. My conversations were surrounded by the same old things, but when I talked research or talked about interests that I had I felt so much more alive. Instead of going to my room and crying myself to sleep I went out with friends and enjoyed my young life.

I realize that I substitute a lot in order to give off this radiance of happiness that doesn't quite exist within my life. I now am cognizant of the fact that I need to make changes in my life in order to be the happy person I have convinced myself that I am. We have to believe that we are capable of altering our lives when we see problems that have arose and stick with these goals we set for ourselves. There is only so long you can mask yourself before you become invisible to being the person you really are beneath the mask. I'm ready to be me. Below I have listed a bunch of goals for myself and I intend to complete them. There is no set time line just a acknowledgment that they will be completed and trusting myself in that.

1. My room has been a disaster zone for far too long. I do work two jobs and am a full time student, but when we live in a mess our lives become a mess. I have way too many material possessions and have too many excuses for why I can't clean it. The real reason is I'm too busy on my little social networking site and push important things. So it is my intention to go through this entire room. Donate some possessions to good will, and just keep it neat. Organization is important to having an organized life and I believe this will be the first step to getting where I need to be.

2. Writing is a huge part of who I am and has shaped me in many ways. It has been my release and it has been my strength. When I felt alone and as though nobody else could understand me I have written for clarity. I have since lost the desire to write in the same way that I once did and realize that this is problematic. I am in the process of revamping parts of my thesis and am loving the process. I had forgotten my deep passion for writing and know now that I must DO instead of SAY. I often say that I can write and finish novels, research, etc..., but I never DO. I am determined to complete lots of work this year and write thousands of wonderful pages. Not just mediocre work either actually fundamentally relative and beautiful work.

3. Shopping is something I never think of as a problem, but now that I see my bank account and all of the silly things I have I realize how detrimental my shopping habits have been. I should be focused on paying off my debts and being debt free yet I feel compelled to buy shiny pretty things. It's okay to shop every once in a while, but I realize that I have overstocked on things I just don't need. I am not to buy any lotions, candles, cloths, shoes, or trinkets until I have beaten all of the things I have bought to death and they are no longer plausible to keep and can be donated.

4. Being single. This one may seem trivial, but unless I find someone who completely wows me and I feel is the right person to make me happy and is on the same page as me I intend to stay single. Being single is not as terrible as people make it to be. I don't need attention nor do I need to be committed to anything except for my work in goals in life. When it's right for me to be with somebody I will know, but for now I have let go on that desire for love and questioning whether I am good enough. I am good enough I just need to find somebody who is good enough for me and that doesn't happen overnight. I'm prepared to wait and in the mean time I need to get my life on track and be where I want to be. If I'm not satisified with my life I can't possibly make another person happy.

5. Weight loss. I have struggled for this for so long and in this last year I have gotten so overweight. I could blame it on eating meat again and allowing myself to indulge in fast food. I could blame it on the fact that my most recent boyfriend never made me feel as though I was fat or not good enough. I can't blame anyone but myself ultimately. If I wanted to be thin I would be thin. I know I have what it takes to lose lots of weight (I've already done it once), but I need to do it healthy and work at it. I can't lose the 50 lbs I'd like to lose overnight. It could take a year or two from now before I get to my goal weight, but I know I need to set that and work at it. I'm pretty good about exercise (up until my recent injury), but I need to try to get there everyday even if it's pilates for 20 minutes. Any little bit is better than nothing.

6. Learning how to be nice and respect people. Sometimes I get caught up in my own selfish ways and want more than anything to be paid attention to. I allow people's unkind words to get me to me more than they should and I realize that if someone wants to treat me unkindly then that is their decisions. I need to be happy with myself enough to be able to see that they are wrong. I need to stop being so concerned with being judged because the people who are worth my time are the people who are going to accept me for who I am. If I put as much effort as I do feeling bad about others words into helping friends and others then I would be so much better off and happier. Helping others is truly my passion in life and I need to focus all the negative on that.

7. Learning to live the way that I want to live and not listening to others. I listen to my parents so much that I often limit myself as far as things I want to do in life. I will stay in because I feel obligated to be a good daughter, but I also need to balance my social life with pleasing my parents as well. I'm a busy girl, but I also need to live. Traveling has given me a new idea of what living is. Experiencing things that I can no experience on a day to day basis. The ability to see different cultures and get a better understanding of the world that I am living in. There is more than just Chicago Illinois and I'm starting to see how much more is out there for me to see.

Those are the basic things that I'm wanting to alter right now in my life. I also feel that I need to be more confident in my intelligence and where I am in my life. I have to be okay with failing because it's not really failing. Failing is for people who learn nothing from their experiences in life. Every experience has shaped me into the person that I am. I am grateful for all of the pain, happiness, sadness, joy, and confusion that has occurred in my life. I love all of the people who have come into my life because they came for a reason. They taught me something about myself I would have never learned otherwise whether the outcome was a good or bad one. I can not even begin to express how wonderful it feels to finally think about life in this fashion. We can't live in failure and constant self pity. The past is the past it is just a memory of nothingness. It has come and taught us what was needed and is gone and never to return. Our future is what we would like of ourselves, but we can't predict it. We can't live in the future or the past we have to live in the present. The present is all we can be certain of. We will make mistakes, we will grow, we will fall, but we need to keep going and keep living for everyday. Not everyday will be perfect, but not everyday will be miserable either. We can shape our lives into what we want them to be and nobody can ever rob us of that. We can be who we want to be I know who I want to be and I am going to work very hard at being that person. I trust in the lords plan for me and I believe that all I have done in my life will not be forgotten. My heart and head are in the right place and I am prepared to make changes in order to improve that.

<3 always,
Conceptual Lexy

Fear

It seems that when we conceptualize fear we believe fear to be something that scares us. When we attempt to understand what scares us we look at the fundamental basics such as spiders, dark, being alone; but what we must recognize is that fear is essentially not the item that scares us. It is much deeper and darker than simply an object. Fear is something that we do not know about that we are uncertain of. Uncertainty is quite the tool to leave us sobbing alone in our rooms, locking our doors, and questioning our lives. I do not attest that questioning your life is not a healthy, nor do I believe it is a bad thing to sob alone in your room on occasions; however, I believe that many of us allow fear to drive our lives. It becomes a way of life and we become uncertain about not just the objects that we are afraid of, but we become uncertain about ourselves. When uncertainty controls the epitome of who we are problems arise quite abruptly whether we deny them or recognize them. The other day when I was sobbing in my car in tremendous pain I began to question my life. I became, for the first time, understanding that I had uncertainty built up within myself. I convinced myself for over a year that I was certain about everything in my life. That I was sure everything was going according to plan and that things were perfect. Nothing could in a sense touch me, because I was untouchable. Yet I was not the happiest person I cried a lot alone in my room. From time to time it's okay to cry in your room, but to cry all the time presents red flags of problem.

I began to blast my music and sit in the parking lot for a while just until I was stable enough to drive myself to the doctors. I thought about my emotional pain that I have been going through this past year. I thought about why I got hurt at work in the first place. I thought about crying in front of my co-workers and the feeling of being weak A feeling I always dismiss. My thoughts went to academics and the passion I have for them, but the uncertainty of my capabilities. Then I began to understand my life has been one large uncertain piece of art that nobody can quite figure out. I am not understood. Perhaps that's what makes me so beautiful, but so forgettable. I am not concrete, but abstract and when people get tired of trying to figure me out I lose visitors. I don't want to change who I am, because I think that my uniqueness brings something to the world whether it be good or bad I'm not quite sure yet, but I like to believe that my encounters with people are positive ones. I know now what I have been doing to myself that has built up all this fear and uncertainty.  I have depended too heavily on others and not taken time to step back and care for my own well being. I have surrounded myself with people whether it be relationships, friendships, or co-workers that I have forgotten to give myself proper attention.

Attention from others is required to have a healthy life, but there needs to be a degree of self independence. I am capable of writing and I know that now. Though I'm not an ingenious scholar quite yet I am a good writer. People who read my work compliment me (and the ultimate test is my mother who is brutally honest, she too thinks I was meant to write). If I set goals for myself I know I can get to where I need to be, because I have done it before. I was so busy worrying about others that I had forgotten how important my writing was and how critical it was for my academic endeavors. I let myself slip by graduate school this semester. I was no proactive about my graduate school pursuits and I just hope that what I have to offer is enough to get me to where I need to be. If not then I know I will try again and continue on doing something else. Things will fall into place for me it just requires time and dedication. Dedication is something that runs through my veins and I am a highly motivated person. I want to get places and I will do whatever it takes to get there. I know I am young and I know that I have ages to do what I love, but if I know and I feel it's right in my heart why wouldn't I put my 100% towards it? I am not a quitter and I refuse to ever give up on anything. I'm a fighter and a hard worker and I am proud of my work ethic.

I recognize that there are things beyond my control in life right now. My mother is a beautiful, strong, and loving person who is going through something I can't even fathom going through. She fights for us and she gives me courage and hope. I know my mothers illness is not easy to deal with and I appreciate all of the people who surround me in an attempt to make me feel better. I do feel loved and that love gives me enough umph I need to get through my down times. I know though that my mothers illness has taught me something about my life. I appreciate life a lot more now, because I know how easily someone you love can go from bubbly and full of life to depressed and not the woman you remember. We have to be grateful for the people who we have in our lives that love us and hold onto those people. The people who don't care and don't love us are not worth our pain, time, or energy. We need to put everything into those we know love us and who will always be there. I have such great friends and family. My guy friends have reminded me that I am beautiful and I know that I am. My friends remind me of how much fun I am and how crazy. I'm not everybody you'll ever meet, but who wants conformity? I'm comfortable with myself and to be able to say that and act on it is the best thing you can do for yourself. My family shows me everyday what true love is and I deserve their love and want to give them all of mine. My mom's illness has brought great pain into my life a new found pain I didn't seem could exist. Worse than any heartache or hurt back, but I know that it has made me grow into a beautiful, appreciative person.

It's crazy to think that tomorrow morning I will be on a plane going to San Francisco. I'm super excited to get out of town and just have some "me" time though I will be around a lot of other brilliant people. I am going to explore a place I have had a huge desire to visit and eat seafood. I'm going to present about the work I am so passionate about and be able to share that with others. I feel wonderful when I present. I get somewhat nervous, but at the same time it brings such joy to me. Not many people want to hear about my research, because well it's kind of nerdy for others to have to be bored through. I acknowledge the fact that not everyone is going to be interested in my nerdy school endeavors, but the people who understand me and are there make all my research worth it and I love conferences. I can't wait to see the golden gate bridges, the cute houses, and take a trolly around town. Who knows maybe I'll even buy myself something pretty if I find it. With that being said I really must get to packing and cleaning so I come to a home that is not chaos and so that I can begin getting what I need to be done finished. Love you all and never be ashamed of the person you are, because you are the most beautiful person you know. <3

Always,
Alexis Zoe

My Life as a Horror Movie

If the title doesn't intrigue my readers I hope that this blog will somewhat intrigue you. The analogy of my life being very similar to a horror movie initially may seem to be a negative one. Though horror flicks can be quite disturbing and plot lines seem to cease to exist; last night, after seeing Saw I could relate this film to my life a lot. This comparison actually nearly brought me to tears in the theater, but because I was with my friend I held back not wanting to frighten her or or leave her never wanting to see another film with me. The movie consisted of a not so real survivor who attempted to turn these torture events into something positive. He attempted to make people see the light of jigsaws game and described scars and pain as never really going away, but exposing the courage these people had and the new appreciation for life. It was an experience that allowed you to be reborn. Though I have not been tortured or been in one of jigsaws games I think I have experienced events that really have taught me that pain and scars can actually have a somewhat positive effect despite being hard to ignore and disregard.

It's easy to be angered and upset about your problems. One of the survivors in the movie felt bitterness and said that nothing could come out of something so terrible happening to someone. I felt that for a long time "how could I possibly enjoy my life or believe that the lord loves me when he's given me so much pain and taken so much from me." Self pity is one of the worst places to be and in hard times we can't just survive and accept that life is bad and it is happening to us. We have to survive with intention and purpose. We must go on and combat hard times by sacrificing our lives to our loved ones and never surrendering what we believe is right in our hearts. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are at your lowest of lows. I forget that many times and when I do cry and break down people often are unsure of how to help, because they are not used to me being like this.

I do attempt to keep a positive attitude with everything in life and I want more than anything to be happy. I know that happiness does not come with each day and that some days we are miserable. I know that we do have let downs, but that sometimes we have the most wonderful days. Sometimes we forget the good days when we have the most miserable, but talking with friends and thinking about the person I am and thinking about the relationships I have in my life both spiritually and physically are what keep me above dark waters. Tonight I felt a lot of self loathing and questioning. I often questions myself in not so good situations, attempting to reevaluate what I am doing wrong. In the process I have come to realize that I actually degrade and disrespect myself. I need to remember that though I am human and I make mistakes that I am a good hearted person and that I have good intentions. I want those I love and are dear to me in life to be happy even before myself. I realized tonight that I have to learn to love myself and stop blaming myself for everything, because life happens. We can't blame ourselves for every situation in our life that is negative nor can we allow it to consume who we are. We have to remember what the lord has blessed us with and accept that it is okay to cry and be upset, but that we have to persevere and trust that everything will essentially be okay.

I am going to San Francisco in a week to do something that I am in love with. I could not ask for a better place to be and am looking forward to having a mini vacation that I much need. I work hard and I need to work hard for myself and take a look at why I do what I do. My friend called tonight to ask about a prospective male she would like to be with. I felt like crying and was upset, but instead I gave her the advice she needed. I told her to not have high expectations and just be herself. That we can no define ourselves by someone else otherwise we will lose everything in the end. We ultimately must live for ourselves until we begin a family and even then we must do things that make us happy and keep us satisfied in our lives. I love academics and I love being able to express my issues with social problems that seem to continue to plague us. I love helping girls suffering from eating disorders or abuse because I feel that I am capable and want them to have a shoulder to always lean on. I love being in nature and camping and being one with this incredible world we have been blessed with. I'm a creative I love creating things and acting. I'm a worker and driven I work hard to get places because I want to make something of myself not just for monetary rewards, but because I worked hard to get where I did. I want to go out with friends and hang out with my family because I realize how important it is to surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you.

My life is not easy, but I know it's not intended to be and that we are never given problems that we can not handle. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but you have to attempt to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each experience we have whether it be good or bad is meant to teach us something deeper and more profound about ourselves. We are capable of enduring more than we believe ourselves to be capable the only thing you need is hope and trust in your future. I know I'm not going to be myself for a while and will struggle, but struggle is the beautiful part of life. It doesn't seem so at the time, but as we continue on we remember how strong we are. I think strength is admirable and respect for yourself. I love you all and feel really blessed and grateful to have you all as a part of my life. Always remember who loves you and hold onto those people and treat them well, because you never know when they will be gone whether they leave, stop speaking with you, or pass away :(. Have a wonderful, happy, and fun filled life and never be afraid to be who you are. If people don't like the person that you are then they are not worth your time or effort. Be good to those you love always and never forget what is dear to your heart.

<3
Alexis Zoe