To be Motherless. A Story of Resilience.

Sometimes, in the midst of our busy lives, we can become lost in a jungle of negativity. These negative emotions, feelings, and thoughts can drive our view and conceptualization of what it means to live. And as this negative energy continues to stir inside of our being we become more fearful. These fears carry into our daily practices, thoughts, and lives. At the core, one might consider for a moment why so many of us get to this point of darkness. How we become so lost in what seems like an endless dark forest. However, it's not about how we got lost it's about figuring out how we get out. We tend to dwell so heavily on how we got there, that we don't consider possible ways out. It becomes endless because we convince ourselves that it is endless.

In the distance, if we look hard enough, we can see light. So many of us miss this single most misery loves company is true. Indeed, we often become so interested in others lives that we lose sight of our own. We forget that at the end of the day the only true person you have is yourself. And while this may sound like a selfish notion it holds some truth.
important event during our daily lives. The light beckons to us hoping that we will turn for one moment from the darkness to encounter it. To see that if we focus hard enough there is a way out of this damp and dark forest. In recent events, I have chosen the light. So many people want to drag you down to their dark forest. As I continue to develop, grow, and discover new and beautiful pieces of my own identity others try to rip that away. To some degree, this seems to be on a more unconscious level. And I suppose you could say that the saying

I spent the majority of my life caring about others. I still do, but I've learned to care for myself along with others. A pivotal experience that demonstrates my care is caring for those who don't necessarily care for me. My mother would tell me that I cared too much. As a result, she argued I sacrificed my own happiness. To a degree, being selfless can have it's limitations in that if you care so much about others you simply don't have the time to care about yourself. I've learned to be selective of who I care about, but even I struggle to not care even in the face of adversity. When my mother passed away I cared so much about what people would think of who I was. My identity was forever changed 23 and motherless.

23 and motherless. It happened I met a boy. He makes me happy, but I can't ask my mom what she thinks. My mother was blunt, and in a way I appreciated her bluntness as I grew older. She knew when a guy was worth my time given her extensive experience in the dateosphere. I valued my mothers opinion and now my mother would never offer her opinion of this new found, dare I say, love?

24 and motherless. I'm in school and struggling. Some days are better than others, but I work hard and I constantly question whether or not I am truly good enough. Of course this is the impostor syndrome hitting me hard. When I felt this way my mother would always boost my confidence. This boost gave me the energy and motivation I needed to tell myself that things weren't impossible and I would always come out strong.

25 and motherless. I'm sick. Now I'm having to undergo a surgery which will render me immobile for quite an extensive period of time. Additionally, I have a wedding that I'm finishing up the final touches on. A wedding, that my mother will not be able to attend. The wedding that she longed to see she would not have a front row seat. My mother was the person who cared for me and without her I had to rely on my husband who was busy at work much of the time. My mother was the one who dreamed of her daughters wedding and it felt almost wrong to hold one without her. The day of the wedding was mixed with happiness and sorrow. No mother there, alone in a room. Friends and family were in and out, but I felt alone.

26 and motherless. It's hard to believe that it's almost been 4 years since I've had to say goodbye to one of the most influential people in my life. As I reflect I begin to see that time can begin to heal wounds, but that experiences serve as a constant reminder of what I can't share with my mother. I'm hoping for an exciting future in a career that I am passionate about. I wish and long for my mother to see my skills and tell all about how proud she is of her underdog daughter. I was always the underdog and I never stopped fighting or trying. That fighting spirit was one of the characteristics my mother loved so dearly about me.

For the last 5 years I walked deeper and deeper into a dark forest that grew more and more ugly. It became a place that I hardly recognized. Recently, I have found the light and I am starting to walk towards it. I have dreams, hopes, and belief that I can change not only the way I perceive my own life, but how I view others. When you lose your way it can take days, months, even years to get back to where you are the happiest. The key is never letting go of that tiny bit of faith in your heart or it can become enveloped in darkness. So much that you begin to lose sight of any positive aspects of life. I believe that life can be beautiful and that opportunities that you are presented can be wonderful regardless of the outcome. You have to maintain that, despite hardship, you will always have more to look forward to in the future.

Stay hopeless and optimistic my dear friends. I assert that the future has your best interest in mind, even if it doesn't seem so now. You can and you will prosper find your light and don't let go, even if the journey seems daunting.

XOXO,

Lexy J.