Modern Day Fairy-tale

The girl with long dark hair slowly awakens from her slumber. As she stretches under her large fleece blanket made from the finest wool she looks up at her large golden, ornate ceiling. She has everything her heart has desired, yet the room feels so empty. The gold and gems that surround her feel unfamiliar as she attempts to get herself out of bed. These days it has become quite difficult for her to feel as though she can step out of bed. For she knows that her day entails heart wrenching and complex tasks for which she feels she is not yet ready to confront. These fears, worries, and anxiety have gotten best of her and at times she feels as though she wishes she could escape somehow. Perhaps she could take Melushia, her white stead, and ride far out into the forest. Alas, the uncertain nature of that brings her greater fear. The unknown keeps her locked in a castle for which she seldom finds happiness. The one who does bring her happiness is what has kept her from complete madness. As she sits in her bed she reflects deeply upon her past trying to make sense of the chaos. She yearns for her future to be less bleak than that of her past. However, she finds it difficult to think about a happy future in such a bleak present time. She slowly rolls out of her grand bed and looks into the mirror.

"Who have I become?" She whispers to herself. "What shall I do to escape this curse?"

She feels exhaustion despite her hours of slumber. For at night she doesn't truly sleep but dreams of her mother. A mother she lost long ago, yet the pain seems to near and fresh. She wonders if she will ever be able to see the future in a positive way. If this pain, the hard work, any of it will actually pay off. A castle may appear beautiful and spectacular from the outside, but inside it can be dark and dreadful. For much of the castle contains dungeons of tortured souls. Souls that she can relate to and yet she does not act on this darkness. She wonders if there will ever be a moment of weakness. A time where she will too be trapped in a more dark dungeon than her golden palace.

"No," she mutters to herself as she wraps her royal purple robe around. "I shall never become that which I despise."

Ripe with jealousy, pain, and anguish her ability to function doing daily tasks, those which seemed easy become daunting. She has lost herself, not to darkness, but to pain. Even the man for which she loves struggles to bring her back to the powerful magical princess she once was.
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I write creatively to express my feelings. In the past, my writing was what freed me from these feelings of emptiness and fear. The pain from the past stunted my ability to write fiction or even my research. I always felt that the pain I experienced was intentional. I was a person who was strong enough to fight and stay strong. My strength afforded me the opportunity to help those who experienced similar pain. However, sometimes the strong person inside falters. It can lead even the greatest to end up in dark places. Perhaps a place they never thought imaginable to get to. The lack of caring for myself led me to this dark place and now I struggle to get out. I do know that I need to work to get myself out and that it isn't easy. For even the fiercest warriors struggled to slay large beasts at some point in their lives. It is my goal to write fiction, reality, and feelings on this blog once again to combat these feelings. I do not want to continue to live in this castle that slowly is transforming into a dungeon. For I have had the gold of the privilege of opportunity that is slowly fading into the abyss.

I know that my hope to create and still be able to exist is going to be a difficult reality. Thus, I've tried to set myself up the best I could for life. However, my positioning and hard work has recently fallen underneath me and I find myself struggling and fearful. I must remember that in life there is no right or wrong it is only what you prescribe as right or wrong. For me I've allowed myself to feel wrong as though I was the failure. As though all of the pain and suffering was my fault. The blame, the guilt is enough to drive a person mad. Rather than beat myself up it is my full intention to get back on my horse and push myself to leave this prison and explore the unknown of life.

I hope you've enjoyed my blog and expect many more from me. I titled myself hopelessly optimistic for a reason. While sometimes I feel hopeless (most of the time) I've always tried to be optimistic about my situation or experience. I shall prevail and I shall become the strong fighter that I once was. I must regenerate my strength through that which I love the creative arts, to become a better person.

xoxo Lexy