Fiction in real life

Recently I've found myself completely submersed in a television show that I feel has connected to my soul. While I like TV and find some shows entertaining I've never connected on such a deep level to a show before. Perhaps it's my complete and utter fascination with fairy tales and fantasy, but the show Once Upon a Time has inspired me to reconnect with my inner creative soul. It connects me to that what I once was and who I continue to strive to be. After all the show reminds us all that

Life is a process that can often cause us to feel lost. Sometimes love can feel as though it is the greatest weapon or that it wastes our years. I may have become slightly delusional, but I truly believe there is a piece of us that have felt this way at some point. Even those who have had the most turmoil, pain, suffering, and have succumbed to darkness have to ability to change who we are. Sometimes, in the face of a painful reminder of who we once were we can fall victim to reverting back to our old selves. Something as simple as replacing your hook for your "evil hand" or having the one you love most ripped from your side. Trying and believing you can overcome that darkness can be the most challenging experience because so often do we not believe in ourselves. 

I realize that believing in yourself is a constant battle, but that happiness is at the end for villain, hero, or victim.  I relate the most to captain hook or rumple. Captain Hook found love once, but was deeply hurt and lost that what he lost. Before and after that was a loner and constantly searching for gratification from other places. While lost he became selfish and began to become consumed with getting ahead in his own life rather then caring who he made victim to his selfish ways. I can relate to the loner lifestyle. I can also relate to consuming myself in what I feel would get me ahead and neglecting simple relationships. Rumple is in constant battle with his incessant need to have ownership of his dagger, containing his powers and ability to be a free man and not be controlled by others. His need for his freedom left him alone for years, but finally he was able to find someone to see past the beast. Consumed by himself rumple shows signs of progress, but ends up succumbing the darkness that is his dagger, even when given the option of having freedom by giving his dark parts to Belle. There were so many times in my past the darkness called to me. Beckoning me to come closer and to give in. The darkness of life can give you power whether that's over others or yourself. In my situation, I was so consumed with at least having power over myself that the darkness drew me close. I still combat darkness, but I feel that I am close to letting my true love have my dagger. 

Like Captain Hook and Rumple I have found true love. I would do anything and everything to ensure that my true love is safe from harm. I will always fight for what I believe in and what I love. I am starting to see that no matter what life throws at you, you can be a survivor. You just have to believe and you have to keep fighting. 

Modern Day Fairy-tale

The girl with long dark hair slowly awakens from her slumber. As she stretches under her large fleece blanket made from the finest wool she looks up at her large golden, ornate ceiling. She has everything her heart has desired, yet the room feels so empty. The gold and gems that surround her feel unfamiliar as she attempts to get herself out of bed. These days it has become quite difficult for her to feel as though she can step out of bed. For she knows that her day entails heart wrenching and complex tasks for which she feels she is not yet ready to confront. These fears, worries, and anxiety have gotten best of her and at times she feels as though she wishes she could escape somehow. Perhaps she could take Melushia, her white stead, and ride far out into the forest. Alas, the uncertain nature of that brings her greater fear. The unknown keeps her locked in a castle for which she seldom finds happiness. The one who does bring her happiness is what has kept her from complete madness. As she sits in her bed she reflects deeply upon her past trying to make sense of the chaos. She yearns for her future to be less bleak than that of her past. However, she finds it difficult to think about a happy future in such a bleak present time. She slowly rolls out of her grand bed and looks into the mirror.

"Who have I become?" She whispers to herself. "What shall I do to escape this curse?"

She feels exhaustion despite her hours of slumber. For at night she doesn't truly sleep but dreams of her mother. A mother she lost long ago, yet the pain seems to near and fresh. She wonders if she will ever be able to see the future in a positive way. If this pain, the hard work, any of it will actually pay off. A castle may appear beautiful and spectacular from the outside, but inside it can be dark and dreadful. For much of the castle contains dungeons of tortured souls. Souls that she can relate to and yet she does not act on this darkness. She wonders if there will ever be a moment of weakness. A time where she will too be trapped in a more dark dungeon than her golden palace.

"No," she mutters to herself as she wraps her royal purple robe around. "I shall never become that which I despise."

Ripe with jealousy, pain, and anguish her ability to function doing daily tasks, those which seemed easy become daunting. She has lost herself, not to darkness, but to pain. Even the man for which she loves struggles to bring her back to the powerful magical princess she once was.
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I write creatively to express my feelings. In the past, my writing was what freed me from these feelings of emptiness and fear. The pain from the past stunted my ability to write fiction or even my research. I always felt that the pain I experienced was intentional. I was a person who was strong enough to fight and stay strong. My strength afforded me the opportunity to help those who experienced similar pain. However, sometimes the strong person inside falters. It can lead even the greatest to end up in dark places. Perhaps a place they never thought imaginable to get to. The lack of caring for myself led me to this dark place and now I struggle to get out. I do know that I need to work to get myself out and that it isn't easy. For even the fiercest warriors struggled to slay large beasts at some point in their lives. It is my goal to write fiction, reality, and feelings on this blog once again to combat these feelings. I do not want to continue to live in this castle that slowly is transforming into a dungeon. For I have had the gold of the privilege of opportunity that is slowly fading into the abyss.

I know that my hope to create and still be able to exist is going to be a difficult reality. Thus, I've tried to set myself up the best I could for life. However, my positioning and hard work has recently fallen underneath me and I find myself struggling and fearful. I must remember that in life there is no right or wrong it is only what you prescribe as right or wrong. For me I've allowed myself to feel wrong as though I was the failure. As though all of the pain and suffering was my fault. The blame, the guilt is enough to drive a person mad. Rather than beat myself up it is my full intention to get back on my horse and push myself to leave this prison and explore the unknown of life.

I hope you've enjoyed my blog and expect many more from me. I titled myself hopelessly optimistic for a reason. While sometimes I feel hopeless (most of the time) I've always tried to be optimistic about my situation or experience. I shall prevail and I shall become the strong fighter that I once was. I must regenerate my strength through that which I love the creative arts, to become a better person.

xoxo Lexy

2015 A New Year, A New Perspective

Each year I typically am like many people who generate a list of new years resolutions to appease towards being a better version of myself. It's as if a new year can suddenly erase all of my regrets, joys, and negatives of the past year. However, the way that resolutions/goals work is to think about what from the past you want to improve on and work on. Thus, this year rather than labeling my goals "resolutions" I'm going to call them just that goals. They are goals that I hope to achieve, but won't completely beat myself over not accomplishing. If I fail to accomplish something that doesn't mean that I'm a failure, nor does it mean I will never accomplish it. Sometimes goals can take us longer than what we prescribe for ourselves. The reason we don't see goals out is because if it takes us too long or it becomes to difficult we give up on our goals. We decide it's time to change who we are rather than think about the root of why this goal is so difficult to achieve. 

I've had many goals in my life that I have not accomplished. There are times I spent days beating myself up to the point where I became depressed over things that ultimately are trivial. When my mother passed away I swore I would learn from allowing things to consume or or forks in the road completely throw me off my A game. Unfortunately, I strayed away from the goal, but it doesn't mean that it's an impossible one. I've learned that I need to stop making excuses and I'm working this year in trying to overcome some of the pain. I wanted to write this blog, despite it being on the 5th, as a way to truly keep myself accountable. I used to write blogs all the time, they were my pleasure. Writing has always been the form of expression that has afforded me the opportunity to openly discuss my feelings. The past year or so I've completely neglected writing for myself and I intend to post more blogs this year. 

Though the formal list of goals may seem typical I still want to write out a list to see at the end of the year if I accomplished some of the goals I set for myself. I made a conscious effort to not just make career driven goals, but also goals for mental and physical well-being. Some are stereotypical, while others I find much more geared towards my own needs.

1. Practice the art of balance. Learn how to balance work and pleasure so that neither is being neglected. 

2. Work on my body and my overeating habits. Try to avoid overeating, drink more water, and exercise at least 3 days a week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I want to set a realistic goal to get me going rather than overworking my body and quitting early.

3. Write 5 days a week even if it isn't for long amounts of time or if I'm not feeling inspired. Writing even a bit a day may lead to something great whether its academic, creative, or personal writing.

4. Go to a Renaissance faire. I try to go every year and enjoy it.

5. Sell/donate more items that I don't need or don't use. I feel like we allow things to accumulate and clutter our lives. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed by things. 

6. Create weekly goals in my calendar and try to achieve those goals. If not make them a priority for the next week. 

7. Work on not guilt tripping myself about things or putting myself down when things happen. Try to retain a positive attitude. 

8. Try to stay a bit more organized.

9. Go fishing this year at least once. 

10. Take vitamins more vitamins to combat the illness/fatigue.

11. Purchase at least 3 things that I really want for myself without guilt. 

12. Try to learn a bit more about different cultures/dabble in another language.

13. Finish writing a fiction book with Brandon.

14. Do nice things for Brandon. 

15. Plan a trip that Brandon and I will go on in the next year or two.

16. Apply to more jobs and work towards finding something whether it's here in Nebraska or else-ware. 

17. Work on making a costume sewing project from FFXIV. 

18. Continue to practice sewing.

19. Paint more pictures and work on marketing my Etsy shop and building a portfolio. 

20. Bake more for others and bring baked goods over. 

21. Work on saving and budgeting better in 2015. 

This list is pretty hefty, but I tried to think of goals that are manageable that I can work towards this year. I don't want to overwhelm myself with goals and if I accomplish more I'll be more pleased rather than disappointed. I'm looking forward to 2015 even though it's a year of uncertainty for me. I believe that things will work out in my favor sometime soon. I've always been an underdog and had to fight and really convince people of my potential. I will continue to do so and continue to believe that I can accomplish anything if I just continue to work hard, dream, and believe that good will come. Have a wonderful new year.