2013

"There are a thousand excuses for failure, but never a good reason."-Mark Twain

I live by this motto in life. I truly believe that we just accept failure, but don't really have a reason why we failed. Why did (in my eyes) fail my therapy class. There are countless variables, but in the end I have no real reason. I could blame the instructor, the inability to grasp some of the concepts, or even blame myself for taking the class in the first place. There is no real reason, only excuses. This year is not about excuses, but coming up with a substantial reason why I don't achieve all that I want to this year. I feel that in order to grow as a person we must continue to set goals for ourselves. These goals should not hinder growth, but expand it. Last year, I feel I didn't grow substantially as a person. I have sacrificed a big piece of who I am and my goal this year is to retrieve those pieces and put them back together.

Who am I? This is a question that has lingered in my mind since I was young. I have yearned to figure out exactly who I am and where I want to be. These years have progressively shifted who I am, but I have always had a base I continue to go back to. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, and now fiance. That is my base and having those roles dictates some of the things I believe I must do to fulfill each of those roles. At times my roles conflict, which creates tension on the fiber of my being. I do know that I want to succeed and I want a partner who stands by my side throughout it all. My biggest goal is to have my voice heard. These years have made it challenging to express how I feel in situations. I have done well at expressing myself in 2012, but want to continue to learn knew ways to successfully express who I am.

I don't want to entirely dismiss 2012 as being a year of no growth. I learned quite a bit about myself, but also learned how to better cope with the loss of my mother. I traveled abroad to Israel, which was the most incredible 10 days of my life. I not only got to go to Disney World, but also got propose to at Epcot by my best friend. I have never met such an incredible person, who has the ability to keep me happy. We play video games together and have so many inside jokes. Brandon has helped me more than he could ever know. He has helped me grow this year, by helping me cope with the loss of my mother. He continues to provide me with support even when I'm being emotionally irrational. I always dreamed up someone who would be perfect with me, that I could be myself around. I have met that person and feel complete. Every time I see him I can't help but smile, and I still get butterflies when we kiss. Brandon also gives me the best advice and truly wants my happiness. I don't think that I could have gotten through all I have without him and now I never have to!  He came with me for Christmas this year, which meant the world. I got to share him and my family in one place. It was a dream come true.  I met new people and new opportunities presented to me, in which I am grateful for. 2012 will be hard to top as far as experiences, but as far as personal growth I feel 2013 will yield more of this. I look forward to the new year, and a new beginning. As always I have compiled a list of things I would be happy happened in 2013.

-Get my pre-prospectus done in the summer.
-Study for and pass my comprehensive exams.
-Go on more adventures
-Do some additional traveling.
-Get back to working out how I once did. (Hoping to lose 40 lbs)
-Be completely planned and set for the wedding in 2014.
-Re-organize the apartment
-Donate and sell more things I don't need.
-Do more baking.
-Learn new recipes
-Try to sign up for a class at the gym.
-Visit my family more often.
-Create a budget that works
-Eat fast food less.
-Say no to less opportunities.
-Make some friends here.
-Go swimming all summer long!
-Try new things that I have never done before.
-Waste less time.
-Get all my work done well before it's due (did that this past semester and it was so much easier!)
-Try to eat healthier.
-Go visit my mom at least twice.
-Think about situations, before getting angry about this.
-Talking more about what bothers me instead of verbally attacking.
-Listen to more music.
-Drink more tea and coffee.
-Spend more alone time contemplating.
-Be less down on myself.
-Try to reframe experiences to be more positive ones.
-Try exploring Nebraska more (even if it is by myself)
-Go fishing.
-Go camping.
-Volunteer if time permits for something I believe in.
-Get my school work organized and categorizing in a way that helps for future studying.
-Explore the inner depths of myself.
-Enjoy the fall more.

This list isn't something I can fail, but hopes for the future. I want to continue to create a happy and positive future, in which I continue to grow. I found my best friend and I get to continue to create a future with him, my family, and friends. 2012 was an amazing year and each experience has left me ending the year happy. I couldn't ask for better people in my life, who got me through the hell that was 2011. Love you all!

“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”

I'm just the same as I was.

Why don't you understand, that I'm never changing who I am. I don't ever want to let you down. I don't ever want to leave this town. Because after all this city never sleeps at night.

It's been quite a while since I allowed my fingers to write frivolously, expelling only words that I desire. My blogs have provided an outlet for me since I was 12 years old. My first experience blogging began on a website called xanga, transferred to live journal, and has had it's time on facebook and myspace. As I continue to grow I find it more challenging to sit down and write my inner thoughts. At times I feel as though my mind has con-caved in on itself. Who am I? What am I doing with my life?

After Israel, I felt I was certain on who I was. I had "re-found" myself so to speak. I was becoming what I once was. But what was I? I feel as though we never truly understand who we are. This is why an inner dialogue exists between ourselves. Much like Peters argues, I believe the reason we communicate because we don't understand one another. I catch myself talking to myself, intrapersonally inquiring about life. Who I am, where I am going, and where I came from. Do I really know who I was? Is there someone that was present to even be re-found?

It's been about a month since I last ran. It has been about 8 months since the last time I was officially "home" in the city that ceases to sleep. I got engaged. I stopped going on adventures to random places. I gained weight. I stopped singing half my day and writing my blogs. Who am I?

When I lived in Chicago I was a different person. I was a person I loved more, but couldn't appreciate it until I became someone else. When I moved here I kept up running and exercising, but kept telling myself I didn't have to eat healthy anymore. I began to lose motivation to do much of anything. I stopped caring so much about what I looked like, because I didn't feel pressure to be thin anymore. Was this a good thing? No. I still wish I looked the way I desired to. I still want to have the same desires, but the lack of pressure to "look good" from peers makes me unmotivated. I worked hard in Chicago and was determined to make something of myself. I still work hard, but I feel like breaks like this give me too much time to think. I'm not able to preoccupy my mind by throwing packages and editing excel files. Do I miss my life? Some aspects of it yes. Do I love some of my life now? Of course.

I feel like we go through different progressive stages where we figure out what was important to us. We miss those which we were proud of that let fall behind. We enjoy the new things life has brought to us. This isn't going to be an in depth blog. Just a short little confession. I miss Chicago. I miss my friends. I'm happily engaged, but at the same time I face never really having the life I once did. As much as I want to say that life was horrible and I wish to never be brought back to it, I do miss it. Not in a writing mood I suppose. Premature blog and publish.