To accomplish more, one must redirect their mental energy by continuously reminding themselves of all the things that they do right.
I believe that there is a dichotomy that exists between individuals pertaining to how to react to negative energy that comes into their lives. Negative energy can overtake some individuals and create an immense sense of guilt. Many times this sense of guilt is a sense fault of guilt that results because the person begins to believe that they've created the issue. This is not always the case and this guilt can linger what feels like forever. This represents my feelings when someone informs me that I've made an error or tells me something negative. I begin to believe that it is all my fault, it's changed their entire perception of me, and that I must do something to make up for what distraught I've cause. The other type doesn't take negative energy very seriously. They feel that they've been wronged in some way and these feelings leave them not wanting to do anything to make up for issues. It makes them want to not be around the situation. If you put these two very differing worldviews together it creates absolute chaos. One party longs to make up for her impotence, while the other just longs for that person to leave them alone.
How do we fix these issues? I've come to decide that no matter what you've said or done you have to realize that it has been said or done. You can't do anything to take back any comments you make. You can sit and be like me feeling guilty and longing to make it up for someone. You can be the person who just wants to avoid contact, but both of these approaches will not fix any sorts of problems. They will only enhance the negative energy, giving it a place to fester and grow. This year I have decided to implement an experiment on my own being. That is, I intend to attempt to redirect any negative either towards myself or that I expel and try to remind myself of all that I do right. It's easy for me to blame myself, call myself terrible, and believe that I am the reason for a lot of things. I end up blaming myself for things I have not done wrong.
What am I? I am a daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, friend, and loving mother to only a mere 9 birds. To truly understand what I do right and be able to remind myself of this while I experience negative energy I need to hone in on these positive experiences. The ones that leave me feeling as though I'm enacting life in the correct way. Thus I shall touch on some of these very happy moments of my life.
As a daughter I have striven to make both my mother and father proud of me. Some say that this attempt to make my parents proud is silly, as I should be making myself proud. It makes me proud to be able to call them my parents and have something to show for what wonderful parents they were. I don't believe that I could be where I am without their influence and thus I must show the world how incredible they are. My father's face when I've done something to make him proud leaves me feeling as though I have accomplished my goal as a daughter. To do things that prove he's done an incredible job as a father. My mother telling me my writing was wonderful left me inspired to continue to write. As she's passed I have questioned my abilities. I at times feel lost, but I have to remember the times she was proud of me and bragged about my accomplishments to keep me motivated. My father and I can fight at times and I believe this to be because we are so similar to one another. We also can sit and talk for hours about the meaning of life in a coffee shop, not wanting to be anywhere else but there in that moment. When we fight I need to hold onto those positive experiences instead of leaving feeling as though I am a failure of a daughter.
As a sister I have always wanted to show my brother I cared and would always be there for him. Out of all the people I've fought with in life I'd say he is probably who I've fought with the most. We are siblings and it's almost a responsibility as a sibling to bicker at times. This dyad is in no way perfect, but we also offer support for one another. When mom and dad didn't allow us to do something we'd stand for each others rights. This is a unique experience that is much admired. It helped to have a brother who was so close in age, because we were experiencing the same type of life cycles during similar periods so we could better help stabilize one another. When we fight I must remember how many times he has gone out of his way to help support me. Having a sister is a very unique experience, especially one that is 10 years older than you. It's hard to build a relationship with someone who is in such a different stage of life than you. Now that I'm older I can truly appreciate the benefit of having a sister, especially one that is older. She acts as a second mother serving and protecting. It's also beneficial to ask her about her past experiences to better equip you for the future.
As an aunt I want to show my nieces love and enable them to feel as though they have a safe place to come to if they need someone. Life can be a challenge and it's beneficial to feel as though you have many different people you can run to whom you trust. I never really had a large family, and the one great aunt I felt I could run to ended up passing fairly early in my life. The absence was especially challenging for me and I hope that I can provide my nieces with that security and love.
As a girlfriend I hope to become someones life partner. A person who can share many memories with someone and become an important part of their lives. Being a girlfriend now has been a huge reward, because I have someone who I share extremely happy memories. This is another dyad where fights can arise quite frequently. Finances bare a heavy weight on people and the stresses that come with life. We often transmit our stress in our closest relationships and at the moment this is my closest relationship. When fights happen here I often fear losing something of the utmost importance to me. I feel guilt and want to do everything I can to be considered the best girlfriend. What I have to remember is that I'm not always going to be the best, but that at my best I truly am the best. I try very hard to create a happy environment, and most of the time I am successful. I have to remember all the happy times, rather than focus on that moment and my self blaming.
As a friend I hope to be there to provide support, but also to be supported. This is a dyad that is created out of care and security. Nobody wants to be left alone during times of distress. Friendships are there for when you absolutely need someone to cry to. They are also there to share laughs and memories. I feel that I try, as best I can from a distance, to be the best friend possible. My friends are like family to me and if we do fight it's hard to stay away (much like family) there are just some people that will never leave your life. My friends belong in that group. I need to remember just how much they've done for me as I have for them.
As a crazy bird mother.... Well let's just say the though the chirping at times makes me want to suckerpunch them I absolutely love them. I provide them with warmth and love best I can.
Life is not easy. It's meant to twist you and leave you hanging out to dry. We aren't always going to have the most positive experiences in life, but it's how we handle these experiences that hinder our abilities to move on. I'm never going to be perfect, or an expert on being a positive person. I know that I am emotional and with this there will be feelings of guilt and hurt. There will also be feelings of happiness, pride, and satisfaction. I have to stop self-blaming myself. I am a wonderful person who has worked extremely hard in life to be who I am today. I have had nothing but support by all of the above mentioned people who I serve a role to. I could not be where I am today without them, but I also need to not look for credit from them but myself. I'm tired of making myself feel second best, and as though I am incapable of creating happiness for others. I'm tired of blaming myself for every negative thing that occurs in life. Life is unpredictable. We are inherently flawed, and no one is more correct than the other. Sometimes it's about setting aside differences, and heated moments of negative energies to continue to grow into more positive ones.
Thanks to all who have loved me through both the negative and positive. You truly are beautiful in every way.
Lex
