Death of those you love is inevitable

Control.

We long for it, yet we also want to be controlled. We want stability and a system that give us a base of what we should look like and do with our lives. How to become a productive "citizen". You live controlled, longing to break free from the control. You notice the chains around you aren't very sturdy, yet you cling to them afraid of what might happen.

This was my life after the passing of my mother. After the tremendous amount of stress that I had endure working and going full time at my masters. The chains continued to weigh down heavily on me. After my mother passed I thought somehow I would be free from these chains, but they just seemed to get tighter, cutting at the circulation of my wrists, slowly tailoring me to accept the chains. It wasn't until I arrived in Israel that I felt.... Free. For once free. For once not worrying about what people thought of me, my research, or my nerdyness. I was free.

Freedom is something we long for. It is something to look forward to beyond the control of everyday life. When I landed in Israel I had this strange feeling as if I was home. In that moment I was right where I needed to be with my brother by my side. Nothing at all could constrain me again, and I spent my time in Israel being free. I found that the freedom allowed some of the pain to come out. I cried in front of strangers who held me. People I hardly knew and had no idea who my mother was holding me and telling me I was normal. Normal, this is a word that consistently came up in my research and in my questions. What constitutes normal? My new argument is control. Enabling yourself to be controlled by what people tell you is the norm is what creates normal in ones mind. I was normal, and my pain was a part of grieving and healing. I embraced my tears for once instead of wiping them away.

It was a music trip, and though I love music I'm not quite as talented as my baby brother. He's incredible and inspiring and through his music there is healing. The entire time I watched him grow, develop, and finally see him smile made me proud and happy. This entire time away at college made me feel awful for not protecting him, and for not being there for him. Here he was himself again and I got to watch him and be there. It was the most beautiful experience of my life and the guilt began to slowly go away as the trip progressed.

We did a lot of fun hikes in 120 degree weather no big deal. One of the most rewarding parts of the hikes was the sense of accomplishment I got when I felt I couldn't make it and conquered the rough terrain of Israel. We went on many, but our tour guide ensured us that each was worth it. He was right, the hikes brought us to new lands with so much rich history. We also got to experience the bedouin culture and sleep in a tend overnight with the entire group. Here we learned about the culture and rode camels, which was quite terrifying but invigorating at the same time!

The reason that I had went to Israel was to pray at the Western Wall for my mom. Our tour guide encouraged us to feel a connection. I did not anticipate the connection I would feel, nor did I think I'd have the courage to pray at the wall multiple times without doing too much emotional damage to myself. The Old City in Jerusalem was extremely important to me. The cultural, historical, and religious significance was what particularly drew me to it. I could feel something just being in the city, but at the wall I walked slowly towards it. I hadn't touched it yet and I could already feel her. When I got to the wall and put my hand on it my life almost backtracked to present day. I could remember very distinct memories of my mother. The time I spent at the wall was a time I got to reconnect with my mother. I could feel her present with me and I felt as though she had her hand pressed to mine. I don't remember much. I vaguely remember crying, but after I became aware that I was. I just remember wanting to stay at the wall and not let go of it. My mom was there and I knew I wasn't ready to let go. I remember wanting to ask questions, but that left when I touched that wall. I just wanted to be present and let whatever came to me come. I'm getting teary eyed remembering this particular moment, because I really believe that I went back again just so I could feel her again.

While I think it was healthy for me to feel that and get religiously connected again to my Judaism what gave me the most closure was the holocaust museum. While there we saw just how terrifying the holocaust was, and what I liked most about it was that they tried to put you in victims shoes. They attempted to show you that holocaust victims were just like us, but that their stories got lost in the genocide. We saw people's shoes, family members having to burn other family members bodies, and learned that Nazi's had a choice (they were not punished if they did not follow orders). When we got to the end of the museum and you look up there are pictures and documents from victims and if you look down there is a well to show how the memory of them has faded. The museum contains 4 million of 6 million books containing information on victims. Many victims were never identified. The museum is constructed to resemble a tomb or something to the like. When we left it opened up and the sun shown through the darkness. The tour guide explained that even though there is a dark past, Jews are still here and still fighting. That we must live on. It really made me think about my own experience of loss and pain. Though the holocaust can't quite compare to my mothers death, I felt as though I had almost locked myself away. That freedom was always an option, but that I allowed society tell me how I should cope.

The last few days in Israel were filled with tears, and goodbyes. I had to say goodbye to a new found family, an amazing group of people who helped me free some of the demons I had buried inside of me. A group of people who care so much and have given me hope not just in society, but in myself. I love them all so much and will always provide any sort of help I can. Israel has freed me in a sense. I have a new way of looking at what I research and a understand just how important it is that I free others. That I create a new message around death to enable us to communicate about it. I'm not pathetic. I am not irregular from others. I am the strong and I have survived. I can't sick back and watch others experience what I had to and thus Israel has showed me how important it is to guide others out of the darkness. People will be jealous, selfish, and horrid but I can not allow that negative feedback to prevent me from doing what my heart tells me is right. Thank you Amazing Israel for all you have shown me and done for me.

P.S. The dead sea and mud bath were also lots of fun! Painful, but incredibly fun!

<3 p="p">Alexis Zoe

I swear I'll get to the part about Israel

Give me about a week to muster up the courage to write a profound blog post completely related to my experience in Israel. I know most of you are just so excited to hear all about my adventures abroad, but alas I have not had much luck articulating the experience repeatedly. My best suit is writing and I promise that by the end of next week I will produce a coherent and descriptive piece on my experience. Today has been quite productive despite my ankle being limited to nothing but a mere air cast. I'm not quite used to being completely reliant on other people, and the independent creature inside this body is completely and utterly excited to once again rely on only itself.

Today consisted of working and getting caught up on some things in life. Though the break in Israel was nice it left me very much behind in my day to day tasks. There is still much that I would like to get done, but in due time. I can not believe my second year of my PhD is about to begin in about a week. It's invigorating, but also scary. I feel as though I've become one of those lost and confused graduate students that stresses about a slight noise from across the room. I think that Israel changed that aspect of me in the sense that I feel much more relaxed and calm about situations that once caused me to have extreme panic attacks. Life is a beautiful and short time that should be valued. We all have our moments, ups and downs. That I argue is the beauty of life. We have our little up's and downs, but overall life is a wonderful ride that teaches us so much about ourselves. We have the ability to watch ourselves to grow into the people we wish to become. It's a wonderful feeling that I am so grateful for.

I have decided that some changes need to be made in my life. Like I said, Israel was life changing and it cleared up how I view my life. I want to begin doing more art and craft projects and try creating new things I never thought imaginable for myself. I'd love to just continue to dabble in history and create things with that vintage and historical feel. I also like happy and bubbly and at the moment I feel as though I could make more happy items. I also just want to explore and adventure more. I allowed myself to be consumed by a darkness after my mothers passing that didn't seem would ever go away. I forgot that I am still alive and that there is light out there. I want to explore that light and become more like the person I once was. I am beautiful, and I know that I enjoy taking care of my body. I have allowed myself to gain a majority of my weight back, settle for doing things I'm not particularly fond of, and stopped trying and doing new things. I am making a promise to myself that life will change and I will be the Lexy I really believe myself to be. Just posting an update and a promise that Israel stories shall commence shortly.

<3 p="p">Alexis Zoe