Reasons why I love Nebraska

Before I moved to Nebraska I had preconceived ideas of how the state would actually be. I envisioned a desolate place with people who spoke as though they were poorly educated. Overalls, cowboy hats, and of course a piece of wheat sticking out of their mouths. Any city girl assumes places that are not highly populated like Chicago are nothing but desolate farm lands, especially a state such as Nebraska. After living here officially for one year I can say that Nebraska is a place I have enjoyed calling home. When I got to Lincoln I fell in love with the small town feel, cobblestone downtown, and limited amount of traffic. People here do not honk at you if you fail to go exactly at the green light, they smile, and actually ask how you are doing. People here seem happier than my big city, but that does not mean that I don't miss my home. Everyday I miss Chicago, but I have moved to a place much more slow paced and overall just better quality of life. Not to mention everything is 5 times cheaper than in Chicago.

When I was outside swimming briefly and tanning I realized just how much I've enjoyed my time in Nebraska. A child asked me if I was swimming and if I'd like to go. I was about ready to go back to my apartment, when it struck me just how polite and friendly people are. Not once in Chicago (unless I was related) has a child actually spoke to a stranger. It's just something we socialize children not to do in the city. I felt happy that he had asked me, but also I felt as though there is this aura of trust people have for one another in Nebraska. I realize how my socialization and lived experiences have taught me not to trust, and be weary of all people. There is an innocence almost about this town that I failed to see in Chicago.

Nebraska is a place of beauty. Sure it's the flat lands. Sure most of Nebraska is comprised of farms, but it is a place that has it's own beauty. I enjoy nature more than I do skyscrapers. Whenever I felt inspired it was typically in a small town or out somewhere away from all the buildings. It is clean and beautiful here. Being outside in Nebraska actually makes me feel as though my body has been cleansed and restored. I had always imagined myself to be more of a small town girl, but it wasn't until I surrounded myself in it that I realized how much happier I have been in a city like this.

Last night my boyfriend and I were watching an anime called Escaflowne that I absolutely adore when the girl said if you believe it, it will come true. Today, Brandon said you create the stress in your life. I have been overly stressing and I realize how obnoxious and silly it has been. Taking a day to do something I love and just spend time with myself made me realize that the stress has been created and manipulated by myself. I do acknowledge that I have reasons to be stressed from the passing of my mother, to the financial issues. However, many of these things have been beyond my control and I just have to believe that things are getting better. I am in love and living with my best friend in the entire world. I have never felt so stable or sure of anyone in my entire life and that is something to be grateful for. I do have mistrust, and I fear the worst based on lived experiences, but he is the reason I have overcome some of those. He is the reason that I don't feel compelled to push myself beyond limits when working out, and I'm starting to see myself more and more as beautiful and not this hideous beast I've made myself out to be in the past. Nebraska is accepting of all walks of people, and for once I feel pretty going out with no make up, in my comic book shirts, and being my overweight self. I do believe in health and working out, but I have not been running 5-8 miles a day like I once did. Overall, I feel better.

I have failed to acknowledge and accept that things in life are never certain. My mothers death taught me fundamental pieces of who I am, but even though her death was sudden and uncertain to us I still have not accepted that we can't predict the future. We are not capable of protecting ourselves from anything in life so why worry? Why attempt to predict things we are unable to predict? I'm still working on being the Lexy that was the most positive, but I'm slowly getting there. I am done letting the past define my future. I'm ready to move on and see how the future treats me. There are always going to be good and bad days in life, but what's important is getting to where you want to be in the end. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met my best friend, but I am so grateful to have him in my life. Thank you Brandon for getting me through this past year and always supporting me even in my dark moments. Thanks to my brother and dad for always believing in me, even when I failed to believe in myself. Thanks to my best friends who have put up with so much from me, but have always remained my friends for these long years. I love you all and most of all I love you Nebraska!

<3 always
Alexis Zoe

With great power comes great responsibility

This phrase says it all. A single phrase with so much potential to explain such a complex life that I lead. Forgive my writing for over the past couple of years it has slowly deteriorated to something I hardly recognize anymore. Most of my life I spent using my writing as a way to vent the feelings, emotions, and thoughts I was unable to explain. The complexities of my mind perplexed me in a way I deemed incongruousness with most of peoples thought processes. My mind was indeed that which could not be properly picked apart by anyone, not even myself. I find that we are often astonished and perplexed by our own minds. The academy gave me a place to ask some of the questions that had troubled me so. My mind was at least able to question like I once had as a child. What is the purpose of life? Why do we always attempt to change the bad into good, why not allow the bad to expel? Most importantly, why on earth are we incapable of communicating and getting along with one another on a daily basis? I found my answer in a text book, but I have the experiences to back up the research. We humans are unable to communicate properly with one another, because it is the misunderstandings that drive us to communicate in the first place. We must and will not accept not being heard by others.

My question to myself is what happened to this thirst for knowledge? What happened to the inability to motivate myself to write? What has come of me. The complex creature that once aimed to emancipate the earth of troubles and worry has transformed into the worrisome, fearful, and passive tiny girl in the room. Afraid to take the next step. Afraid to speak her mind, cowering in her own mind and frameworks altering, shifting, changing. It's amazing one a single year can do to transform a person. It is simply incredible seeing a girl who was so sure of herself shift into something that is unable to make out anymore. I am not the same Alexis I was last year. I am not the hopelessly optimist dreamer. I am not the fighter, healer, helper, or girl who just wants to ensure that everyone is okay. Why? I am not okay. I have lost a fundamental piece of my heart and it has in fact influenced my mind, writing, and abilities.

This past year I have not baked cookies on holidays and distributed them to people that I love and care for. I have become a bit more selfish than I once was. I no longer volunteer, take days to do things I enjoy. These days I spend my time online or in my office. I rarely allow myself time to do what I enjoy and feel happy about. I have made excuses for gaining my weight back and skipping days of running and eating healthy. "Oh I'll do it tomorrow", "oh I just want a break", "I'll cheat this one day" has become a constant part of my vocabulary. I worked so hard to lose the weight I had and I slowly allow it to creep back on me. If this was past Lexy it would have troubled me so much I would have done something about it, but now I allow it to continue. Motivation is troublesome for me, but I refuse to not get my work done. I continue to press on, but I know I am capable of much more work. I remember that research and writing is not always meant to enlighten and be full of hope, but it is meant to break your heart. My trauma can teach others, and I need to constantly remind myself of that. I am now a mentor for a countless amount of people, and my mom would want me to be. Some days I feel like screaming and pounding against walls. Why me? I tried so hard mom. I worked so hard to make you proud, to lead a good life, to be an example only to lose all I had. Only to find myself at square one back in miserable hell again. Why me? Why did I not only lose my mother, and the powerhouse female figure in my life, but I have lost my best friend my father. I rarely hear from my father anymore, and I have no one to get a coffee with. The days of long complex conversations in Starbucks having Barista begin to contribute is over. Do I view this as an ending? Or do I view this as a renewal to my new life. To the life I am starting again, to the rebuilding of my heart and the fibers of my being. To transform back slowly to the girl who didn't have excuses. To the girl who strive for greatness to not only impress her friends and family, but show the world what can be done regardless of age, class, and gender.

The best gift one can give themselves is accepting that things change, you change, and life is not predictable. To truly live a good and happy life you have to view everything as a new beginning, another chapter in the story. The story doesn't end until you are no longer here to keep writing the story. You leave behind your story for those who live to tell it. I will never stop telling the story of my mother, but that doesn't mean that my own story isn't influenced by it. I want to be the Lexy I once was and show my mother that her story is not forgotten. Her support, love, and soul will never leave my heart and will forever stay with me. I want to workout, I enjoy the pain in a weird sick way. I enjoy being healthy and fit, and I need to stop making excuses. Writing is my passion in life. I have spent most of my life writing, reading, and engaging in knowledge and this is not a time to give up on that which I love. Adventure still is in my blood and my thirst for it is endless. I know what I must do to be happy, and I'm on the right track.

I'm with someone that I love and for once in my life feel safe with and trust. I hold back because of the fear, anger, and pain. This is another issue in my complex mind and it needs to stop. I am happy, and I'm taking each day as it is. The time of excuses needs to stop and I'm beginning to realize this after feeling blinded for most of the year. I'm finally learning and growing as a person again, and though I feel as though I should feel guilt because my mom isn't here to see it. I can't. I can't throw my young life away and I'm ready to start living again. Spiderman has taught me a lot about life, but in order to have power or keep doing what I am I need to take on the responsibility of it. I am fully capable and have come too far in life to step down and discontinue all that I have already achieved. Life is what you make of it, and to me life is too precious to throw away.

I swear blogs will be more frequent then they have been, even if I feel as though my writing abilities are not quite up to par. This blog wasn't intended for an audience it was meant to be a place for self betterment and I'm ready to continue living and growing. Don't keep the past in your mind. Don't stress over the future, because if you're too worried about what has already happened and what might happen you can't focus on what's right in front of you. The present is what makes the future and what helps you move on from the past.