"Time passes, kills everything in it's path and then it buries us in history. Some bits, some bits seem to stick. Oh I thought you and I could be a timeless thing. I have to ask please answer honestly oh what would you have done if you were me? How could it go so wrong so quickly? Oh what would you do if you were me? Don't assume that I have found this easy. How would you feel if you were me?"--Frightened Rabbit.
I've forgotten, as I often do, that this blog always remains. A space through which I can feel safe and as though I won't be judged. Because ultimately "do people even know how they would feel if they were me?" Despite the saying, "imagine walking a mile in his/her shoes" we often don't consider how others feel. As a consequence, this proves to be a challenge when trying to engage in something as simple as providing support or empathy.
When I lived in Chicago, I recall riding the train daily. On my long trips, I could sense emotions surrounding me. Bouts of sadness, happiness, worry, boredom embodied the train systems. When I could sense sadness I could feel myself growing increasingly sad. When joy filled the air, I could feel myself growing increasingly happy. My intuitive nature to emotion has led me down beautiful flower filled fields, with a bright sun beaming down upon me. The warmth fills my body with joy as I take in the beauty that life can bring. However, this connection to emotion has also led me down a dark path. One where I am in a deep, dark forest alone. Beasts seem to howl as I run to save myself. The roads seem endless and I become increasingly more misguided and lost.
Those who tell me that I am strong and that I can get through my pain don't necessarily consider what it means to be me, or know how I feel. This, perhaps, is why it is difficult to find my way out of the forest. The right hand has not reached out to guide me yet. I've made an effort on my part, but to care for oneself, especially when fearsome of their surroundings, is not easy. Sometimes simple comments from complete strangers can remind you of the goodness that still exists in humanity. I like to believe that there are others in the world who exemplify and demonstrate this goodness.
My belief in humanity, and that people can be selfless led me to sacrifice much of my own happiness. I've began to work towards caring more about myself than others, but it is difficult. My life has been dedicated to making others happy. So much that I forgot what makes me happy. I let others bully me into behaving or doing what is in their best interest, rather than my own. Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am? Or maybe, it's not easy to transform from selfless to selfish. Sometimes, I feel that I'm selfish, and I think to some degree most humans are. But, knowing that I can be selfish, makes me feel evil, horrible, and as though I am being irrational.
I'm finally learning to try and accept all range of emotions I have. Not just the good, but the bad. Nobody experiences happiness every day of their lives. People fall in and out of darkness, but as my mother said, it's about getting back up and fighting. I fought for her so many years. I miss her dearly, but I want to become the woman she would want me to become. I know that I will continue to be dragged down, but I have to believe that in the end, things will in fact work out.
Time will pass, and as it does I will change. For life is an ever changing process through which we learn, grow, and experience. Our experiences then lead us to new directions, places, and ideas. These ideas then lead us to understanding who we are in different, and perhaps more meaningful ways. At our core, we are bundles of memories, meanings, and symbols. We construct, and reconstruct ourselves. Sometimes we make the wrong choices, which makes us try and figure out a new construction of ourselves. Sometimes we become out of date and we need to renovate ourselves. The beauty is that as we continue to function we learn what works and what doesn't. We eventually move on from what doesn't, and sometimes we get stuck. I'm stuck in the process of reconstruction. I'm trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.
Rambling of a chaotic, insomniac shall now cease. Here's to hoping this blog makes sense in the morning. Goodnight dear world, and remember if you haven't been told today you are a beautiful person. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get where you want to be, it's that you got there.
Always,
AlexisZoe
