When I reflect upon my life experiences thus far I can't help but think that something was always missing. Some place in my heart is not in the United States, but rather abroad. Don't get me wrong I'm a proud American and what have you, but I've never felt connected to celebrating our independence. In fact, I've only been interested in American history rather than celebrating America. I've always had a desire to live somewhere else. I'm sure we all experience this at some point in our lives, but I've always been drawn to the UK. Maybe it's the welsh in my blood, but I've just had a yearning to be there. If I were to be specific Ireland or Scotland country side. I'm only aware of what socialization looks like for Americans, and have little knowledge of what that looks like overseas. My travels to Israel have made me realize just how different we are from others. Additionally, these differences are not always negative or positive. In Israel, everyone welcomes you as though you are family. Here, I feel as though we label people and treat others differently if they are not a part of what we are defining as or constituting as family. People are willing to fight for and stand up for something rather than being submissive and sitting back letting others talk for us.
I miss my connection to the wilderness. The days I would go somewhere outside that was beautiful, with tea in hand, sitting and philosophizing about life. What, as humans, is our inane purpose? Are we serving something greater than ourselves, or is our lives for naught? Are we simply as science defines us to be? The simplicity of nature, makes it almost complex and fascinating. My dad and I would go out towards cornfields in the fall, apple picking, being outside and just talking about life. I miss him dearly, and the deep conversations we once engaged in. The process of thought has become a skill that has been long forgotten. The accessibility of today's technologies have ravished our abilities to engage in deep thoughts. Philosophy, as Socrates once feared, may be in the verge of extension. I now fear that I will not find someone who feels the same passion and desire to do what I once loved. In a sense, I have given up on the essence of my being becoming one of the sea of believers of the mecca that is the connected world. All that I knew, all that I once was has adapted to what nature is now deeming the most valuable possession of our lives.
Being away from people, negativity, and letting whatever is inside of you free is one of the most majestic experiences. I remember growing up we had an excessively large backyard. There was a huge tree in the back with a little Chinese garden. My favorite place to hang out was under that tree. On days I deemed to be horrible I would go outside under that tree and just meditate and think. I would let out any negative emotions or feelings that I had. When we moved to an apartment I lost that tree, but luckily right across the street was a forest. I would go to the forest and just close my eyes, allowing myself to imagine what a perfect world, my utopia, was.
Bursts of color would begin to surround me. The dull forest persevere would become somethings straight out of lord of the rings. Suddenly I was no longer the girl who was bullied, cheated on, or sick but a spirited young woman running through the forest in search of my next adventure. I could actually hear the sounds of the forest rather than imaging them based on what others have told me things sound like. I was.... free. When I look at castles and the beautiful countryside of the UK it makes me yearn to visit or even one day call home. Though that may be a dream of mine, I have slowly begun to accept that will never be a reality. A trip, perhaps, but a home never. I do not have the courage or heart to be so far from home.
I have not found a place that allows me to get lost in nature in Nebraska. It has been over three years since I have just allowed myself to be free and engage in deep conversation. It almost feels as though even more of "myself" has become lost in translation. My mind and physical well-being is becoming harder to maintain and I feel myself slipping away from all that I knew. I've lost what muster I've had in me to write this so I will end here.
