Can we merely exist without life within our bodies? Is it possible to become so desensitized to the experience of life that we completely disconnect our minds, our bodies falter, and we become nothing but a body. I believe and have experienced living without life. The past year has been like that. There has been some life at moments, but most of the past year has felt like I was a body simply living. My organs functioning to the best of their abilities to survive. My mind being present when it needs to be. My very existence depending solely on my presence. This way of living without life is something that I never believed could, or would happen to me. Even in my darkest hours, the deepest holes I have fallen into, I have never felt less alive in my life. My abilities to create prolific work has become staggered by this feeling of emptiness inside of my heart. My anger, fears, and self-doubt have risen tremendously leaving me to believe that I am indeed a failure. The amount of scrutiny I have placed upon myself have led me to believe the absolute worst about my existence, my future, and my sense of self. Despite the pressure, deterioration of health, and mental instability I realize that I do still have some sense of control over my existence.
My body does not just have to be a present entity to humor others, but rather can be what I once believed myself to be. As my mother said "nothing worthwhile comes easy in life. You have to fight for everything." My mother not only fought for what she believed in, but she fought for her life. To live without having life in you, to me, is almost a since considering there are millions of people who suffer just to have life. The greatest gift you can have is your health and your life, and to feel the emptiness that I have felt is not being alive. It is, as stated, being present. I have made a conscious decision that it is time to work to change some of these feelings. I am determined to get back on my feet, and keep fighting not only to achieve my goals, but for my life.
In life, we consistently experience hardships. Some of these hardships seem trivial and leave our minds quickly. Others withstand time and continue to plague us as we attempt to move forward in life. Our lives as we know it are full of complexities that often we are only able to make sense of. For a long time I believed these extreme challenges were given to me because I was strong enough to not allow myself to simply become a person without life. Many years I decided that it was my duty and obligation as a person who suffered tremendously throughout my life to use those experiences to help others. Somewhere in between all of the challenges I lost that one single goal. The goal that kept me motivated, determined, and strong. I lost my passion and fight. Perhaps I have become cynical in my process of finding my true purpose in life. It seems that the challenges and hardships follow me constantly, dragging me down.
The main problem, is trying to overcompensate and fake happiness. Lately, I have been more open with sharing my negative emotions. Rather then denying these feelings and faking my "life" I have confronted them. These confrontations are the first step in recognizing that I have fallen off the path toward the magical kingdom that I hoped would become my home. A darker force has drawn me towards a path that has taken me further away from getting to that magical place I long to call home. I have allowed that darker force to consume my life and take me deeper and deeper into a dark forest. I have, somewhere in this process, become lost and enveloped in the darkness. Despite this, I know that I have the power and strength to fight through this.
Life will not always go the way you pictured it. Many times, life will throw new challenges at you that may make you lose your path for some time. If you allow yourself to be forever taken away, then your happiness and life may greatly be influenced. However, I am not prepared to allow myself to live in the darkness forever. To pretend that everything can get better in a single day and all of my life will instantly come back into my body and I will have endless happiness is not my goal. For this year, my goal is to not allow myself to feel like a failure or let others make me feel this way. I know that I am determined, capable, and worth something. People have stood behind me to help me fight the hard battles in life and have never stopped believing in me, even when I failed to believe in myself. I can do this.
Sometimes when I'm outside and just enjoying the wind I can feel the life coming back into me. We engulf ourselves in work, convincing ourselves we aren't being productive enough, or that we have better things to be doing. Humans biggest flaw is the failure to recognize the beauty in the experience of everyday life. To slow down each day and take time to realize what we are thankful for. My best friend got married recently, and it was hard for me because not only do I love her, but I wished I could have told my mom. When I think of the many moments my mother misses out on it makes me sad. However, I know that every day she was thankful just to be alive and able to share her life with us. My mother, on her death bed, made nurses laugh and describe her as a favorite patient. Her body was dying, but her life was still present. I cried all week last week and when I talked to my brother and I was crying he told me my mother would not cry like that.
Each day, I want to take time to slow down and realize what is important, and what makes my life special despite the hardships, worries, and concerns. When I wake, I want to have goals in my mind, but not beat myself up if not all goals are completed. I want more than anything to be acknowledged as contributing something, and even if it is not by others, I want to acknowledge my own merit. I accept that this is one of the most difficult challenges I have to face in my life, but I know that my reward at the end is greater and worth fighting for.
I want to thank my husband for his constant support and belief in me. I have been very hard to deal with in the last year because of my emotional instability, but I know he will always be there. I could not be luckier to have someone who puts his hand out and helps show me the way back to the path that I once was on. I know that our kingdom is waiting and that we will find it together, even if it takes longer than we anticipate.
