Can We Go On

Like it once was... Every time I hear a another story of the poor boy lost his head. Everyone feels a little crazy, but they go on living with it. Yeah they go on living with it.

Those lyrics describe my current life state. My ankle seems to have given me troubles since the first break. The pain and issues that have ensued have created more issues than good. Being a broken person makes one realize how truly alone they are. Being crippled for over 2 months I have set at home in pity with nothing but my mind as company. The mind is a powerful, but dangerously beautiful creation. Our thoughts can help us aspire to fulfill our greatest dreams, but they can also become our worst enemies. In my case, my mind has begun to set in the actualization that my mother is in fact gone. My pain that I've experienced has been in complete isolation. While I like to believe that there is good in the world, and that life will get better it appears to have become the opposite. The mind is a most powerful creation.

As I sit in bed reflecting upon my own life I realize the pain and anguish I have tolerated. I say tolerated because most of my life I have accepted the pain for what it was and rather than allowing it to influence my everyday practices I have allowed it to completely consume me. My heart, my mind, my soul has fallen into the black abyss to never be found, or so it seems. My mind allowed my body and my being to slip into one of the deepest depressions I could have never imagined. This was not another story, this was the thematic rendition of my life. The story of my life became some dramatic anomaly that one may conceive to be sheer madness. I haven't been able to write properly since this depression. I have not been able to sleep or eat properly. What I thought I know and what I actually know is a complete blur and it seems my very being has surrendered to the chaos that was slowly closing in on my force field of protection. In a feeble attempt to free my mind of these dark thoughts I asked the person I care most about if he could help me.

Off on an adventure to the nearest coffee shop. A coffee shop so grand that one must pay fees to enter. As we went in to sip on our delicious frozen beverages in the middle of winter we knew we would confront a dark force so powerful and known to defeat armies of men. Depression. Fight it. Depression. Go far far away. I confronted many of my fears today, which was only one conversation of many that will help me get back on the road to being the epitome of what it means to be Alexis Zoe. The hopelessly optimistic girl from Chicago who once dreamed of changing the world. The woman who believed stories could influence and change the very fiber of our beings. The girl who believed that hard work and perseverance would show the world that even underdogs could win major life battles. Conquer, command, fall, depression. Bury your flaws.

It was time that I took the great shovel that I had stored away and dug up my flaws, my fears, the pain. The pain I buried so deep to protect myself and my being. I allowed some of it to be exposed in the middle of that chain coffee shop. It was challenging to discuss what my thoughts were and confront my fears and my deepest demons, but I was finally talking about it. I wasn't faking a smile to impress others by my strength. I wasn't pretending to be something I wasn't. I hurt while I talked, but the pain was therapeutic. My heart felt freed of some, but not all of the significant amount of trauma I experienced. The cheating, lying, insults, being bullied, feelings of insignificance, and inability to accept the harsh realities of my life. Tonight I prayed for the first time in months. I prayed to a g-d I believed had left me long ago and submitted me to a hellish life. As I recover I understand that the amount of pressure, stress, and depression will be there. These are the first steps of recovery. I accept that I may not finish what I need to at the timeline prescribed to me, but that accepting that I do need help and I am experiencing normal emotions will direct me into the correct life path again.

I will end this very disjointed and disconnected journal with the biggest thank you I have to give. Brandon Lee, I love you with all of my being. You have been my knight in shining armor, helping me battle these hellish demonic creatures throughout the years. Never once have you faltered from my side and even when it seems we are losing, you still provide uplifting words to keep me fighting. During the nights I am cold and sick with the disgust from the constant battles you give me your warmth (literally) and most of all you give me the greatest love your heart has to give. I want to thank you for all of your support and help. I could not be the person I am or where I am today if you weren't by my side.

Love always,
Alexis Zoe