I feel a though I have needed a trip down memory lane recently and I can't quite comprehend this desire to tap into my past, but I'm glad that I have. It's incredible how at certain points in life people feel as though they will never survive. They are unable to see their future, but so desperately wish to know where they will end up. As for myself, I seemed to be a motivated and willing young woman who wanted nothing more than to understand where I would be beyond the undergraduate level. Would I go to law school and make my mother the happiest woman in the world? Would I be in graduate school. I suppose one of my paths did continue on and my life hasn't shifted gears all that much. How ever will I survive? Will I find the man of my dreams? Will I be thin and beautiful.
I have transformed. This transformation has taken years from the initial transformations into my teenage years. My life has changed tremendously, but I am still following that path I set out for. I still am motivated to get through my studies and this is something I have successfully been able to hold onto throughout the years. My life once was driven by falling in love, how thin I could become, and being successful. Sometimes it takes something as tragic as death to truly comprehend what is important within ones own life. I have discovered where true happiness lies. It doesn't exist within love and affection from men, or being thin and beautiful, and it certainty does not exist within our educational systems. What creates ultimate happiness? Accepting your life for what it is. Accepting that things are not going to be perfect and that even those who appear to be perfect are imperfect. True happiness comes from satisfaction in the self and the way in which you chose to live your life.
I will forever be faulty. There will never be a prince charming, because prince charming does not exist. The right person for me will come in due time, but for now I have accepted that men are men. They can be good hearted and wonderful, but they have their own motivations and expectations for their happiness. A woman can not anticipate a male to give her everything or treat her like a princess because they are not princes. I am not at thin as I was and there it would not be right to deny that I am unhappy with my body. Each day I look at myself I am disgusted by what I have become, but I have also not done as much work as I once did to achieve the self image I desired. I have truly become a reflection of the term "letting yourself go." I can sit here and blame all the tragedy for it, but in essence I have the ability to change what I have allowed to happen to my body. Will I obsess or be unhealthy to achieve what I believe the world finds beautiful? Not at all. I need to take care of my body and be healthy. Fat is not healthy, but doing extreme things in order to achieve desired weight loss is worse. Is school the only lover I shall ever know? Will education dictate the kind of person I am? Not in the least. School is my way of explaining phenomenon, which I am unable to clearly understand. I am constantly thinking in hopes to make sense of the world and school allows me to do this. I find that most people I have encountered do not wish to speak of such things, thus I have found a medium where I can allow my mind to be free and liberated.
I still find beauty in the simple things, much like my past self did. I still wish to become a better person and continue to strive to do so much more than what is expected of me. Why? Because my happiness lies in accomplishing new challenges that are thrown at me. I strive for more than just settling and wish to do all which my heart desires. I don't need to be perfect to achieve these things. I don't even need someone by my side, but I'm afraid that though I claim I do not need people I do. I have learned that it is okay to admit that you need people in your life it is when you rely on them for your happiness that issues arise. Overall, I am satisfied with my life and intend to get back to where I once was. I know that these things take time and that as humans we must learn the rule of patience. For patience will enable us to accomplish all as long as we are willing to give up the time to get there.
<3
Alexis Zoe
