Running, running, running oh....
When I run I feel free. The pain that comes with running encourages me to run past the pain. I suppose the two things that help me get through hard times is running and writing. I feel free and liberated doing both and thus after a 3.5 mile run I have felt compelled to write a blog. This blog is not going to be my typical hopeful and optimistic blog, because I feel no reason to be writing something positive. As humans we are not capable of always smiling and always being happy. Today at work, my co-worker told me that I always smiled and it gave her hope in people. That I inspired her, but a smile is only good if there is truth to it. We can hide behind smiles and lie to ourselves and I suppose that is what I do in most social contexts. I want to make others feel good even if I'm miserable inside.
I'm not completely and utterly miserable. I don't want to have others perceive me as a weakling unable to get through things alone. Most of my life I have dealt with my issues on my own and this blog is in no way, shape, or form an attempt to gain pity from others or be one big complaining rant. This blog is meant to allow my heart to freely express how I have been feeling inside lately. I feel alone. I feel like people are only there for you for the instantaneous issue and then they slowly fade away. I understand we all have our own lives, but people inevitably are selfish. Heck, I'm being somewhat selfish by writing this blog. Call me a hypocrite, but it's true. We concern ourselves with ourselves whether we want to believe it or not.
I've been alone. I find myself running on a Saturday night and honestly I have no desire to socialize lately. I feel as though most of the time I put forth effort in hanging out with someone. My best friends are wonderful, but I even feel abandoned by them. I miss having my mom here. I realize how much time I did spend with her. When I'd come home or decide to stay home we'd sit and watch TV and talk. She always made me feel loved and always was interested in my day. When I didn't feel good, even while she was sick she was right by my side. She helped me through all my problems and listened to me and never judged me. My mom called me everytime I was out and everyday to see how I was. I haven't heard from most of my friends. I honestly think that most people wouldn't even know if something happened to me. I feel like I don't really have anyone left in my life. This is what has been causing my life to feel miserable. No one will ever compare to my mother, I know that. No one can ever love you as much as your mother does, but I just wish that I wasn't dealing with this by myself. I wish people were checking up on me and let me talk. I help. I always have. I feel like it's my time to be able to vent.
I suppose in the end my writing has become what I always claimed it to be. The best friend that never judges, and will always listen. If I ever need it I can turn to it and feel better. I feel better simply venting these things right now. I don't want my friends to think I'm ungrateful for them. I am very lucky to have friends with such wonderful hearts, but I suppose I just feel empty right now. Here's to hoping things look up for me, if not I feel as though I will live a life always catering and dedicating my energy to helping others. I'm too young for the life I have been dealt. Too young to fear the things I fear. Too young to feel so alone. Half my heart is gone and I'm just hanging on to the strength she gave me. I love you mom, I hope you're reading my blog wherever you are and knowing that I am so proud of you and the fight you put up for us. I will never be the woman you were and look up to you. Forever you will be my heart.
<3
Alexis Zoe
