If you knew I was dying would it change you?

Disconnection, according to the dictionary, is to sever or interrupt the connection of or between something. I'm afraid that I have reached a point in my own life where it is time to disconnect myself from most things in life in order to maintain and restore my own well being. My emotions have been quite the whirlwind, and while I want to believe that I can continue to maintain relationships with people I'm afraid I'm not mentally able to do so. This does not mean that I will disappear forever never to return, but the way in which I have dealt with most issues in my life has been alone and I'm afraid this whole process has been very exhausting for me. I'm still myself I am not defined by my circumstance in life. I am in grief yes. I do feel awful, but I have been trying to take one day at a time and the constant reminders are getting to me.

I've dealt with the most horrible occurrence in my life alone. I say this because when I think about the people I feel comfortable enough to run to the number is close to none. My best friends are wonderful, but even turning to them has been a difficult instance for me and I'm unsure of whether people truly do care about what is going on my life. I tend to believe that people get this sick pleasure out of listening to others problems because it makes them feel better about their own. When you meet someone with such a negative, awful life it's as if it boosts someone else's ego and makes them feel as though life isn't half bad. "I could be that pathetic person who's life is completely miserable. Thank goodness I am not them!"

I'm not a circus show. I know I've been dealt a pretty bad hand. When I speak of positive happiness people can't comprehend why I am seeing the positive sides of life. My mother told me it was okay to be sad about her illness. For a while I was bitter  and mean about the whole situation, but I continued to push forward for her and I wanted more than anything to make her proud of the woman I was becoming. My young adult life had been forever changed by cancer and I felt as though I was slowly contracting the disease. People viewed me differently upon disclosure unable to understand why I was not miserable. My mom taught me that strength was not achieved everyday, but that if you worked hard enough and continued pressing forward it would come in due time. I have been strong for the past five years. I have maintained positive attitudes and smiled through it all. I am my mothers daughter and I am so very proud of her and hope that I am still making her proud, but what I have learned can't be measured in any respect. What I have learned about life is something I wish that I could expel upon people.

Stop. For one minute just stop in your tracks. Call off sick from work. Take a day to yourself. Do something you love and spend time with people you love. Stop. Please just slow the heck down. Where has my success and hard work gotten me? No where. Regretting that I did not spend more time with my mother. Miserable that I have overlooked what's really important in life. My brother at my mother's funeral said that my mom gave him something that was not monetary. When he said that my heart broke. My mom gave us all something that was not monetary memories and fundamental lessons in life that will forever be with each of us. That doesn't mean our lives haven't become any less heart with this actualization. It simply means that we so often forget what is important in life and focus only on the monetary. We become so concerned with exterior of everything.

Want to know what is wrong with America? Sure the government has done a lot of faulty negative things. Sure we can blame the rich people. We blame everyone but ourselves. This country was built on fighting for freedom (though we robbed some of theirs), but essentially through the 20's-70's we fought. Women starved, were beaten, humiliated to gain rights and speak to their government. We have become satisfied with our little tools and gadgets that we have fail to sit back and really think about what is going on with this country and people in general. We have defined what beauty is in life. Thin. Perfect. Muscles. Zero flaws. What's inside? Who cares what's inside when you can have a prize? Big house I can't afford. Let's do it! Let's get into debt for what? For who? To prove yourself? To show your success? What's success without meaning? What the hell is life without meaning?

Why do I write? Why do I research? I write because I have found a place that I can address all the issues I find with the world and make sense of them in hopes to enlighten. Do I believe people will receive my messages? Who knows, but I won't know unless I try. Writing is the tool that makes me feel better because it allows me to understand my own thought process along with others. It brings  back my ability to be independent and feel wonderful again. When people criticize me and question my decisions in life I am comfortable saying that getting a PhD and writing is what I desire and want. It is what has driven me and continues to motivate me. So I feel alone in regards with people, but I am never alone when I have a pen and paper or a laptop for that matter. My words enable to me rethink my life and come back down to Earth.

My mother was my biggest critic. When she read my work and blogs she was blown away by the incredible ability that I had. I don't boast about my potential or what I have accomplished, because I feel as though we are all successful in our own way. When my biggest critic told me that I was talented I became convinced that this was my destiny as crazy as this sounds. When I am in Lincoln I am putting the rest of the energy I have left into my work, and in time my happiness shall return. I am not unhappy, but I am devastated and I am so tired of people acting as though I am pathetic and that I am unable to function. My mother would be so upset if I allowed myself to just break down and stop living. I am still alive and I will live for her. I will make her proud and I will be something someday. I promised my Mom I'd take care of my family and it is what I will do. I will stop at nothing to be the best person that I can and someday people will appreciate me for the person that I am and look beyond my flaws. I'm not perfect. I don't have a banging body. I'm not drop dead beautiful. I'm a nerdling who tends to rant and get emotional at times, but my heart is gold. My mind is vast and seeks knowledge and understanding. I am the most compassionate and sweet girl and the right kind of people will see that. Some already do and I just want to say thank you, but that I just need to get away from the support as ironic as that sounds.

I will be fine, in time all heals. Just know if I don't speak with some of you it isn't because I don't like you or am upset with you. I love you all lord knows that this has taught me to love everyone and see past the petty problems. Please hug those you cherish and never fail to smile. Eliminate those that bring you down and remember anyone who isn't willing to put effort into you or attempt to understand you is not worth your time. Be your own person and never live for anyone but yourself. Do everything for those you love. I'm regretting the things I failed to do, but I can only go uphill from here and I am determined to do so.

<3
Alexis Zoe

 

P.S He makes me happy =]