To de-isolate the isolated self.

Feelings of isolation, desperation, and fears can truly stunt your abilities to work towards motivating yourself. Consequently, the feelings you wish to combat seem nearly impossible to overcome despite your feeble attempts. Recently, I made a conscious decision to attempt to work towards accepting the feelings and emotions that I have experienced over the past year. Despite my efforts, it seems, that even if I put forth my best effort it has potential to go unnoticed. When I consider the purpose of life, and reflect on that notion, I'm not quite sure many of us ever reach a point where we feel comfortable saying we have "one true purpose". Ultimately, you either have the type of life where you have the motivation and ability to get what you want (i.e. feeling as though you achieved purpose fulfillment). Or, excessive trauma gets the better of you and you crumble under the seemingly endless pastors of forgotten plains (i.e. questioning if any of us truly have a purpose). Unfortunately, my once existential self has begun to stop questioning my purpose. As Camus asserts, humans are meaning seeking beings; however, life often does not provide us with concrete meanings (Camus, 1946). Therefore, much of our lives we seek meaning, have a deep rooted desire to understand who we are, and ultimately discover our true purpose. What then, does one become, when they begin to give up on purpose? What is a human without that fiery need to understand who they are?

To me, I've become somewhat of a living ghost. I float through life wondering if my existence means anything. However, while some people have several meanings they can pull from their inner treasure chests, I have none. My treasure chest has become sealed tight under the grasp of darkness from my own heart. I've searched high and low for the key to open the beautiful, unique, and purposeful treasure. As a result, I've created a world of isolation in myself. Intentionally isolating myself so that others won't be subject to the darkness that has created a dark cloud over my treasure. I'm told that the isolation causes people to "forget you", but if you are present and suddenly vanish shouldn't people wonder what happened? Shouldn't, much like crime shows, others detect some sort of foul play? Or does one need to physically disappear for people to step in and truly want to help? Mental disconnection, isolation, clear indications of a bigger issue can be a serious issue as well. Though you are physically present, there is a sense of disappearance. The person who once was there no longer remains. 

I don't want to go down in the history of my life knowing that I failed myself. However, there comes a point in life, at times, when one can't accomplish things without the help of others. It's particularly difficult for me to ask for help. I've always viewed myself as strong, able, and ready to concur anything and everything. The last year has been challenging on me, and while I required much more help then I received, I didn't ask for help. Even now, it has become increasingly difficult for me to force myself out, give up on searching for my key to my treasure chest, and try to overcome the fear of reaching out. I often wonder, if there is some way to better accomplish this. I sit, upset, distraught, reading work that makes me feel, but at the same time makes me further aware of my situation. There is much uncertainty and fear. Moreover, I feel as though the suffering did not end simply with the loss of my mom or my several ankle breaks/surgery, but now with my hopes for the future and what I want to do. People say "it will get better" or "you will overcome this" but alas I question these concepts. How does one simply get better when they continue to miss out on opportunities and feel as though not many people truly care?

I shall end this blog, because even writing this was an incredible struggle. A struggle I knew I must attempt. My writing is my therapy. My stories are what have been detrimental to my life, but also what have prompted me to work as hard as I have. It is a painful, happy, precious, and scary road that I must travel. To live, learn, and grow on my own personal road to narrative. 

To be Motherless. A Story of Resilience.

Sometimes, in the midst of our busy lives, we can become lost in a jungle of negativity. These negative emotions, feelings, and thoughts can drive our view and conceptualization of what it means to live. And as this negative energy continues to stir inside of our being we become more fearful. These fears carry into our daily practices, thoughts, and lives. At the core, one might consider for a moment why so many of us get to this point of darkness. How we become so lost in what seems like an endless dark forest. However, it's not about how we got lost it's about figuring out how we get out. We tend to dwell so heavily on how we got there, that we don't consider possible ways out. It becomes endless because we convince ourselves that it is endless.

In the distance, if we look hard enough, we can see light. So many of us miss this single most misery loves company is true. Indeed, we often become so interested in others lives that we lose sight of our own. We forget that at the end of the day the only true person you have is yourself. And while this may sound like a selfish notion it holds some truth.
important event during our daily lives. The light beckons to us hoping that we will turn for one moment from the darkness to encounter it. To see that if we focus hard enough there is a way out of this damp and dark forest. In recent events, I have chosen the light. So many people want to drag you down to their dark forest. As I continue to develop, grow, and discover new and beautiful pieces of my own identity others try to rip that away. To some degree, this seems to be on a more unconscious level. And I suppose you could say that the saying

I spent the majority of my life caring about others. I still do, but I've learned to care for myself along with others. A pivotal experience that demonstrates my care is caring for those who don't necessarily care for me. My mother would tell me that I cared too much. As a result, she argued I sacrificed my own happiness. To a degree, being selfless can have it's limitations in that if you care so much about others you simply don't have the time to care about yourself. I've learned to be selective of who I care about, but even I struggle to not care even in the face of adversity. When my mother passed away I cared so much about what people would think of who I was. My identity was forever changed 23 and motherless.

23 and motherless. It happened I met a boy. He makes me happy, but I can't ask my mom what she thinks. My mother was blunt, and in a way I appreciated her bluntness as I grew older. She knew when a guy was worth my time given her extensive experience in the dateosphere. I valued my mothers opinion and now my mother would never offer her opinion of this new found, dare I say, love?

24 and motherless. I'm in school and struggling. Some days are better than others, but I work hard and I constantly question whether or not I am truly good enough. Of course this is the impostor syndrome hitting me hard. When I felt this way my mother would always boost my confidence. This boost gave me the energy and motivation I needed to tell myself that things weren't impossible and I would always come out strong.

25 and motherless. I'm sick. Now I'm having to undergo a surgery which will render me immobile for quite an extensive period of time. Additionally, I have a wedding that I'm finishing up the final touches on. A wedding, that my mother will not be able to attend. The wedding that she longed to see she would not have a front row seat. My mother was the person who cared for me and without her I had to rely on my husband who was busy at work much of the time. My mother was the one who dreamed of her daughters wedding and it felt almost wrong to hold one without her. The day of the wedding was mixed with happiness and sorrow. No mother there, alone in a room. Friends and family were in and out, but I felt alone.

26 and motherless. It's hard to believe that it's almost been 4 years since I've had to say goodbye to one of the most influential people in my life. As I reflect I begin to see that time can begin to heal wounds, but that experiences serve as a constant reminder of what I can't share with my mother. I'm hoping for an exciting future in a career that I am passionate about. I wish and long for my mother to see my skills and tell all about how proud she is of her underdog daughter. I was always the underdog and I never stopped fighting or trying. That fighting spirit was one of the characteristics my mother loved so dearly about me.

For the last 5 years I walked deeper and deeper into a dark forest that grew more and more ugly. It became a place that I hardly recognized. Recently, I have found the light and I am starting to walk towards it. I have dreams, hopes, and belief that I can change not only the way I perceive my own life, but how I view others. When you lose your way it can take days, months, even years to get back to where you are the happiest. The key is never letting go of that tiny bit of faith in your heart or it can become enveloped in darkness. So much that you begin to lose sight of any positive aspects of life. I believe that life can be beautiful and that opportunities that you are presented can be wonderful regardless of the outcome. You have to maintain that, despite hardship, you will always have more to look forward to in the future.

Stay hopeless and optimistic my dear friends. I assert that the future has your best interest in mind, even if it doesn't seem so now. You can and you will prosper find your light and don't let go, even if the journey seems daunting.

XOXO,

Lexy J.

Fiction in real life

Recently I've found myself completely submersed in a television show that I feel has connected to my soul. While I like TV and find some shows entertaining I've never connected on such a deep level to a show before. Perhaps it's my complete and utter fascination with fairy tales and fantasy, but the show Once Upon a Time has inspired me to reconnect with my inner creative soul. It connects me to that what I once was and who I continue to strive to be. After all the show reminds us all that

Life is a process that can often cause us to feel lost. Sometimes love can feel as though it is the greatest weapon or that it wastes our years. I may have become slightly delusional, but I truly believe there is a piece of us that have felt this way at some point. Even those who have had the most turmoil, pain, suffering, and have succumbed to darkness have to ability to change who we are. Sometimes, in the face of a painful reminder of who we once were we can fall victim to reverting back to our old selves. Something as simple as replacing your hook for your "evil hand" or having the one you love most ripped from your side. Trying and believing you can overcome that darkness can be the most challenging experience because so often do we not believe in ourselves. 

I realize that believing in yourself is a constant battle, but that happiness is at the end for villain, hero, or victim.  I relate the most to captain hook or rumple. Captain Hook found love once, but was deeply hurt and lost that what he lost. Before and after that was a loner and constantly searching for gratification from other places. While lost he became selfish and began to become consumed with getting ahead in his own life rather then caring who he made victim to his selfish ways. I can relate to the loner lifestyle. I can also relate to consuming myself in what I feel would get me ahead and neglecting simple relationships. Rumple is in constant battle with his incessant need to have ownership of his dagger, containing his powers and ability to be a free man and not be controlled by others. His need for his freedom left him alone for years, but finally he was able to find someone to see past the beast. Consumed by himself rumple shows signs of progress, but ends up succumbing the darkness that is his dagger, even when given the option of having freedom by giving his dark parts to Belle. There were so many times in my past the darkness called to me. Beckoning me to come closer and to give in. The darkness of life can give you power whether that's over others or yourself. In my situation, I was so consumed with at least having power over myself that the darkness drew me close. I still combat darkness, but I feel that I am close to letting my true love have my dagger. 

Like Captain Hook and Rumple I have found true love. I would do anything and everything to ensure that my true love is safe from harm. I will always fight for what I believe in and what I love. I am starting to see that no matter what life throws at you, you can be a survivor. You just have to believe and you have to keep fighting. 

Modern Day Fairy-tale

The girl with long dark hair slowly awakens from her slumber. As she stretches under her large fleece blanket made from the finest wool she looks up at her large golden, ornate ceiling. She has everything her heart has desired, yet the room feels so empty. The gold and gems that surround her feel unfamiliar as she attempts to get herself out of bed. These days it has become quite difficult for her to feel as though she can step out of bed. For she knows that her day entails heart wrenching and complex tasks for which she feels she is not yet ready to confront. These fears, worries, and anxiety have gotten best of her and at times she feels as though she wishes she could escape somehow. Perhaps she could take Melushia, her white stead, and ride far out into the forest. Alas, the uncertain nature of that brings her greater fear. The unknown keeps her locked in a castle for which she seldom finds happiness. The one who does bring her happiness is what has kept her from complete madness. As she sits in her bed she reflects deeply upon her past trying to make sense of the chaos. She yearns for her future to be less bleak than that of her past. However, she finds it difficult to think about a happy future in such a bleak present time. She slowly rolls out of her grand bed and looks into the mirror.

"Who have I become?" She whispers to herself. "What shall I do to escape this curse?"

She feels exhaustion despite her hours of slumber. For at night she doesn't truly sleep but dreams of her mother. A mother she lost long ago, yet the pain seems to near and fresh. She wonders if she will ever be able to see the future in a positive way. If this pain, the hard work, any of it will actually pay off. A castle may appear beautiful and spectacular from the outside, but inside it can be dark and dreadful. For much of the castle contains dungeons of tortured souls. Souls that she can relate to and yet she does not act on this darkness. She wonders if there will ever be a moment of weakness. A time where she will too be trapped in a more dark dungeon than her golden palace.

"No," she mutters to herself as she wraps her royal purple robe around. "I shall never become that which I despise."

Ripe with jealousy, pain, and anguish her ability to function doing daily tasks, those which seemed easy become daunting. She has lost herself, not to darkness, but to pain. Even the man for which she loves struggles to bring her back to the powerful magical princess she once was.
.........................................................................................................................................................

I write creatively to express my feelings. In the past, my writing was what freed me from these feelings of emptiness and fear. The pain from the past stunted my ability to write fiction or even my research. I always felt that the pain I experienced was intentional. I was a person who was strong enough to fight and stay strong. My strength afforded me the opportunity to help those who experienced similar pain. However, sometimes the strong person inside falters. It can lead even the greatest to end up in dark places. Perhaps a place they never thought imaginable to get to. The lack of caring for myself led me to this dark place and now I struggle to get out. I do know that I need to work to get myself out and that it isn't easy. For even the fiercest warriors struggled to slay large beasts at some point in their lives. It is my goal to write fiction, reality, and feelings on this blog once again to combat these feelings. I do not want to continue to live in this castle that slowly is transforming into a dungeon. For I have had the gold of the privilege of opportunity that is slowly fading into the abyss.

I know that my hope to create and still be able to exist is going to be a difficult reality. Thus, I've tried to set myself up the best I could for life. However, my positioning and hard work has recently fallen underneath me and I find myself struggling and fearful. I must remember that in life there is no right or wrong it is only what you prescribe as right or wrong. For me I've allowed myself to feel wrong as though I was the failure. As though all of the pain and suffering was my fault. The blame, the guilt is enough to drive a person mad. Rather than beat myself up it is my full intention to get back on my horse and push myself to leave this prison and explore the unknown of life.

I hope you've enjoyed my blog and expect many more from me. I titled myself hopelessly optimistic for a reason. While sometimes I feel hopeless (most of the time) I've always tried to be optimistic about my situation or experience. I shall prevail and I shall become the strong fighter that I once was. I must regenerate my strength through that which I love the creative arts, to become a better person.

xoxo Lexy

2015 A New Year, A New Perspective

Each year I typically am like many people who generate a list of new years resolutions to appease towards being a better version of myself. It's as if a new year can suddenly erase all of my regrets, joys, and negatives of the past year. However, the way that resolutions/goals work is to think about what from the past you want to improve on and work on. Thus, this year rather than labeling my goals "resolutions" I'm going to call them just that goals. They are goals that I hope to achieve, but won't completely beat myself over not accomplishing. If I fail to accomplish something that doesn't mean that I'm a failure, nor does it mean I will never accomplish it. Sometimes goals can take us longer than what we prescribe for ourselves. The reason we don't see goals out is because if it takes us too long or it becomes to difficult we give up on our goals. We decide it's time to change who we are rather than think about the root of why this goal is so difficult to achieve. 

I've had many goals in my life that I have not accomplished. There are times I spent days beating myself up to the point where I became depressed over things that ultimately are trivial. When my mother passed away I swore I would learn from allowing things to consume or or forks in the road completely throw me off my A game. Unfortunately, I strayed away from the goal, but it doesn't mean that it's an impossible one. I've learned that I need to stop making excuses and I'm working this year in trying to overcome some of the pain. I wanted to write this blog, despite it being on the 5th, as a way to truly keep myself accountable. I used to write blogs all the time, they were my pleasure. Writing has always been the form of expression that has afforded me the opportunity to openly discuss my feelings. The past year or so I've completely neglected writing for myself and I intend to post more blogs this year. 

Though the formal list of goals may seem typical I still want to write out a list to see at the end of the year if I accomplished some of the goals I set for myself. I made a conscious effort to not just make career driven goals, but also goals for mental and physical well-being. Some are stereotypical, while others I find much more geared towards my own needs.

1. Practice the art of balance. Learn how to balance work and pleasure so that neither is being neglected. 

2. Work on my body and my overeating habits. Try to avoid overeating, drink more water, and exercise at least 3 days a week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I want to set a realistic goal to get me going rather than overworking my body and quitting early.

3. Write 5 days a week even if it isn't for long amounts of time or if I'm not feeling inspired. Writing even a bit a day may lead to something great whether its academic, creative, or personal writing.

4. Go to a Renaissance faire. I try to go every year and enjoy it.

5. Sell/donate more items that I don't need or don't use. I feel like we allow things to accumulate and clutter our lives. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed by things. 

6. Create weekly goals in my calendar and try to achieve those goals. If not make them a priority for the next week. 

7. Work on not guilt tripping myself about things or putting myself down when things happen. Try to retain a positive attitude. 

8. Try to stay a bit more organized.

9. Go fishing this year at least once. 

10. Take vitamins more vitamins to combat the illness/fatigue.

11. Purchase at least 3 things that I really want for myself without guilt. 

12. Try to learn a bit more about different cultures/dabble in another language.

13. Finish writing a fiction book with Brandon.

14. Do nice things for Brandon. 

15. Plan a trip that Brandon and I will go on in the next year or two.

16. Apply to more jobs and work towards finding something whether it's here in Nebraska or else-ware. 

17. Work on making a costume sewing project from FFXIV. 

18. Continue to practice sewing.

19. Paint more pictures and work on marketing my Etsy shop and building a portfolio. 

20. Bake more for others and bring baked goods over. 

21. Work on saving and budgeting better in 2015. 

This list is pretty hefty, but I tried to think of goals that are manageable that I can work towards this year. I don't want to overwhelm myself with goals and if I accomplish more I'll be more pleased rather than disappointed. I'm looking forward to 2015 even though it's a year of uncertainty for me. I believe that things will work out in my favor sometime soon. I've always been an underdog and had to fight and really convince people of my potential. I will continue to do so and continue to believe that I can accomplish anything if I just continue to work hard, dream, and believe that good will come. Have a wonderful new year. 

As the Darkness Creeps

I can feel it slowly overcoming my brittle and fragile body. A body that once was filled with joy, delight, and hopeless optimism. The person before me in the mirror is difficult to make out as what she once was slowly fades into darkness. An image of sheer fear and terror is all that remains. Perhaps it's time to accept reality as it is. Darkness. The present coherent narrative that drives and perhaps has consumed my life is that of darkness. As I sit here, nearly 4:00 AM I wonder why my mind races. The chaos and darkness overcomes my mind at all hours of the day, but especially, ironically enough, at night. For with the evening comes solitude. Very few humans live nocturnally, and maybe it's the late night FedEx runs talking, but I'm becoming more and more nocturnal. My body craves sleep, but the internal pains keep me awake.

"Longing for darkness."

One might say sleep is the ultimate darkness. For in sleep we do not see light. Perhaps that's why we dream to see some form of light. To step away from the loneliness the darkness can bring. The brain works in mysterious and powerful ways. As a child I believed that our dreams were another life. A life in which we imagined what we truly thought in our minds. Dreams of unicorns, rainbows, and all of my favorite animals snuggling by me overtook my mind. Sleep was not difficult, taken for granted, and truly under appreciated. As my dreams became more tainted with pains, agony, and sadness I learned that maybe our minds react to our living state. For instance, our dreams may be the person who truly is on the other side of the mirror. Not the fake smile, fake dress up, fake excitement person, but rather the pained and hurt person. The person that is consumed by darkness. Sleep is supposed to be the comfort that helps prepare us for the challenges the next day. I miss sleep and stepping out of the darkness for a moment. Life isn't all unicorns, rainbows, and cuddly animals. In fact, life is much more complex, traumatic, and scary.

It's been quite some time since I last wrote. Perhaps my own mind has created such a fear that has prevented me. Or maybe I'm a typical human making excuses for myself. Whichever is true, I know that I have lost many of the positive, inspirational, and motivating thoughts I once had. The thoughts that drove me to create this blog and write for others out there. To demonstrate to others the power of overcoming obstacles. The power to battle against the darkness at all costs. There are weak moments though. Forces that are too strong to combat on our own. I've dealt with a great deal of loss within the last three years and it's finally caught up to me. I'm not sure what true happiness is and I feel as though I've sacrificed so much of myself for others. I hardly recognize the person that stares back at me and it troubles me so. I don't mean to be depressing, but these are thoughts that keep me up at night. These are thoughts that debilitate my ability to function some days.

Writing was my passion. One of the few things that I felt I was talented at. Much like the artist, my writing was my creative outlet. It was a form of expression that enhanced healing both physically and emotionally. I'd cry writing, laugh writing, think critically while writing. When I truly felt alone, and as though I had no one else to turn to my blog, creative writing, and research was a way to emancipate myself from loneliness. I know that recently my motivation has diminished, at least to post on a blog, but in an attempt to make sense of my experiences and feelings I am determined to write at least once a month in this blog. Even if it's not the most prolific piece of work I've ever crafted I believe that I need to try. On that note, I've entirely gotten too brain dead to finish this blog. Until next time.

xoxo
Lexy

Born in the U.S..... Wait

When I reflect upon my life experiences thus far I can't help but think that something was always missing. Some place in my heart is not in the United States, but rather abroad. Don't get me wrong I'm a proud American and what have you, but I've never felt connected to celebrating our independence. In fact, I've only been interested in American history rather than celebrating America. I've always had a desire to live somewhere else. I'm sure we all experience this at some point in our lives, but I've always been drawn to the UK. Maybe it's the welsh in my blood, but I've just had a yearning to be there. If I were to be specific Ireland or Scotland country side. I'm only aware of what socialization looks like for Americans, and have little knowledge of what that looks like overseas. My travels to Israel have made me realize just how different we are from others. Additionally, these differences are not always negative or positive. In Israel, everyone welcomes you as though you are family. Here, I feel as though we label people and treat others differently if they are not a part of what we are defining as or constituting as family. People are willing to fight for and stand up for something rather than being submissive and sitting back letting others talk for us.

I miss my connection to the wilderness. The days I would go somewhere outside that was beautiful, with tea in hand, sitting and philosophizing about life. What, as humans, is our inane purpose? Are we serving something greater than ourselves, or is our lives for naught? Are we simply as science defines us to be? The simplicity of nature, makes it almost complex and fascinating. My dad and I would go out towards cornfields in the fall, apple picking, being outside and just talking about life. I miss him dearly, and the deep conversations we once engaged in. The process of thought has become a skill that has been long forgotten. The accessibility of today's technologies have ravished our abilities to engage in deep thoughts. Philosophy, as Socrates once feared, may be in the verge of extension. I now fear that I will not find someone who feels the same passion and desire to do what I once loved. In a sense, I have given up on the essence of my being becoming one of the sea of believers of the mecca that is the connected world. All that I knew, all that I once was has adapted to what nature is now deeming the most valuable possession of our lives.

Being away from people, negativity, and letting whatever is inside of you free is one of the most majestic experiences. I remember growing up we had an excessively large backyard. There was a huge tree in the back with a little Chinese garden. My favorite place to hang out was under that tree. On days I deemed to be horrible I would go outside under that tree and just meditate and think. I would let out any negative emotions or feelings that I had. When we moved to an apartment I lost that tree, but luckily right across the street was a forest. I would go to the forest and just close my eyes, allowing myself to imagine what a perfect world, my utopia, was.

Bursts of color would begin to surround me. The dull forest persevere would become somethings straight out of lord of the rings. Suddenly I was no longer the girl who was bullied, cheated on, or sick but a spirited young woman running through the forest in search of my next adventure. I could actually hear the sounds of the forest rather than imaging them based on what others have told me things sound like. I was.... free. When I look at castles and the beautiful countryside of the UK it makes me yearn to visit or even one day call home. Though that may be a dream of mine, I have slowly begun to accept that will never be a reality. A trip, perhaps, but a home never. I do not have the courage or heart to be so far from home.

I have not found a place that allows me to get lost in nature in Nebraska. It has been over three years since I have just allowed myself to be free and engage in deep conversation. It almost feels as though even more of "myself" has become lost in translation. My mind and physical well-being is becoming harder to maintain and I feel myself slipping away from all that I knew. I've lost what muster I've had in me to write this so I will end here.