Somebody tell me where'd you go today?

Running, running, running oh....

When I run I feel free. The pain that comes with running encourages me to run past the pain. I suppose the two things that help me get through hard times is running and writing. I feel free and liberated doing both and thus after a 3.5 mile run I have felt compelled to write a blog. This blog is not going to be my typical hopeful and optimistic blog, because I feel no reason to be writing something positive. As humans we are not capable of always smiling and always being happy. Today at work, my co-worker told me that I always smiled and it gave her hope in people. That I inspired her, but a smile is only good if there is truth to it. We can hide behind smiles and lie to ourselves and I suppose that is what I do in most social contexts. I want to make others feel good even if I'm miserable inside.

I'm not completely and utterly miserable. I don't want to have others perceive me as a weakling unable to get through things alone. Most of my life I have dealt with my issues on my own and this blog is in no way, shape, or form an attempt to gain pity from others or be one big complaining rant. This blog is meant to allow my heart to freely express how I have been feeling inside lately. I feel alone. I feel like people are only there for you for the instantaneous issue and then they slowly fade away. I understand we all have our own lives, but people inevitably are selfish. Heck, I'm being somewhat selfish by writing this blog. Call me a hypocrite, but it's true. We concern ourselves with ourselves whether we want to believe it or not.

I've been alone. I find myself running on a Saturday night and honestly I have no desire to socialize lately. I feel as though most of the time I put forth effort in hanging out with someone. My best friends are wonderful, but I even feel abandoned by them. I miss having my mom here. I realize how much time I did spend with her. When I'd come home or decide to stay home we'd sit and watch TV and talk. She always made me feel loved and always was interested in my day. When I didn't feel good, even while she was sick she was right by my side. She helped me through all my problems and listened to me and never judged me. My mom called me everytime I was out and everyday to see how I was. I haven't heard from most of my friends. I honestly think that most people wouldn't even know if something happened to me. I feel like I don't really have anyone left in my life. This is what has been causing my life to feel miserable. No one will ever compare to my mother, I know that. No one can ever love you as much as your mother does, but I just wish that I wasn't dealing with this by myself. I wish people were checking up on me and let me talk. I help. I always have. I feel like it's my time to be able to vent.

I suppose in the end my writing has become what I always claimed it to be. The best friend that never judges, and will always listen. If I ever need it I can turn to it and feel better. I feel better simply venting these things right now. I don't want my friends to think I'm ungrateful for them. I am very lucky to have friends with such wonderful hearts, but I suppose I just feel empty right now. Here's to hoping things look up for me, if not I feel as though I will live a life always catering and dedicating my energy to helping others. I'm too young for the life I have been dealt. Too young to fear the things I fear. Too young to feel so alone. Half my heart is gone and I'm just hanging on to the strength she gave me. I love you mom, I hope you're reading my blog wherever you are and knowing that I am so proud of you and the fight you put up for us. I will never be the woman you were and look up to you. Forever you will be my heart.

<3
Alexis Zoe

If you knew I was dying would it change you?

Disconnection, according to the dictionary, is to sever or interrupt the connection of or between something. I'm afraid that I have reached a point in my own life where it is time to disconnect myself from most things in life in order to maintain and restore my own well being. My emotions have been quite the whirlwind, and while I want to believe that I can continue to maintain relationships with people I'm afraid I'm not mentally able to do so. This does not mean that I will disappear forever never to return, but the way in which I have dealt with most issues in my life has been alone and I'm afraid this whole process has been very exhausting for me. I'm still myself I am not defined by my circumstance in life. I am in grief yes. I do feel awful, but I have been trying to take one day at a time and the constant reminders are getting to me.

I've dealt with the most horrible occurrence in my life alone. I say this because when I think about the people I feel comfortable enough to run to the number is close to none. My best friends are wonderful, but even turning to them has been a difficult instance for me and I'm unsure of whether people truly do care about what is going on my life. I tend to believe that people get this sick pleasure out of listening to others problems because it makes them feel better about their own. When you meet someone with such a negative, awful life it's as if it boosts someone else's ego and makes them feel as though life isn't half bad. "I could be that pathetic person who's life is completely miserable. Thank goodness I am not them!"

I'm not a circus show. I know I've been dealt a pretty bad hand. When I speak of positive happiness people can't comprehend why I am seeing the positive sides of life. My mother told me it was okay to be sad about her illness. For a while I was bitter  and mean about the whole situation, but I continued to push forward for her and I wanted more than anything to make her proud of the woman I was becoming. My young adult life had been forever changed by cancer and I felt as though I was slowly contracting the disease. People viewed me differently upon disclosure unable to understand why I was not miserable. My mom taught me that strength was not achieved everyday, but that if you worked hard enough and continued pressing forward it would come in due time. I have been strong for the past five years. I have maintained positive attitudes and smiled through it all. I am my mothers daughter and I am so very proud of her and hope that I am still making her proud, but what I have learned can't be measured in any respect. What I have learned about life is something I wish that I could expel upon people.

Stop. For one minute just stop in your tracks. Call off sick from work. Take a day to yourself. Do something you love and spend time with people you love. Stop. Please just slow the heck down. Where has my success and hard work gotten me? No where. Regretting that I did not spend more time with my mother. Miserable that I have overlooked what's really important in life. My brother at my mother's funeral said that my mom gave him something that was not monetary. When he said that my heart broke. My mom gave us all something that was not monetary memories and fundamental lessons in life that will forever be with each of us. That doesn't mean our lives haven't become any less heart with this actualization. It simply means that we so often forget what is important in life and focus only on the monetary. We become so concerned with exterior of everything.

Want to know what is wrong with America? Sure the government has done a lot of faulty negative things. Sure we can blame the rich people. We blame everyone but ourselves. This country was built on fighting for freedom (though we robbed some of theirs), but essentially through the 20's-70's we fought. Women starved, were beaten, humiliated to gain rights and speak to their government. We have become satisfied with our little tools and gadgets that we have fail to sit back and really think about what is going on with this country and people in general. We have defined what beauty is in life. Thin. Perfect. Muscles. Zero flaws. What's inside? Who cares what's inside when you can have a prize? Big house I can't afford. Let's do it! Let's get into debt for what? For who? To prove yourself? To show your success? What's success without meaning? What the hell is life without meaning?

Why do I write? Why do I research? I write because I have found a place that I can address all the issues I find with the world and make sense of them in hopes to enlighten. Do I believe people will receive my messages? Who knows, but I won't know unless I try. Writing is the tool that makes me feel better because it allows me to understand my own thought process along with others. It brings  back my ability to be independent and feel wonderful again. When people criticize me and question my decisions in life I am comfortable saying that getting a PhD and writing is what I desire and want. It is what has driven me and continues to motivate me. So I feel alone in regards with people, but I am never alone when I have a pen and paper or a laptop for that matter. My words enable to me rethink my life and come back down to Earth.

My mother was my biggest critic. When she read my work and blogs she was blown away by the incredible ability that I had. I don't boast about my potential or what I have accomplished, because I feel as though we are all successful in our own way. When my biggest critic told me that I was talented I became convinced that this was my destiny as crazy as this sounds. When I am in Lincoln I am putting the rest of the energy I have left into my work, and in time my happiness shall return. I am not unhappy, but I am devastated and I am so tired of people acting as though I am pathetic and that I am unable to function. My mother would be so upset if I allowed myself to just break down and stop living. I am still alive and I will live for her. I will make her proud and I will be something someday. I promised my Mom I'd take care of my family and it is what I will do. I will stop at nothing to be the best person that I can and someday people will appreciate me for the person that I am and look beyond my flaws. I'm not perfect. I don't have a banging body. I'm not drop dead beautiful. I'm a nerdling who tends to rant and get emotional at times, but my heart is gold. My mind is vast and seeks knowledge and understanding. I am the most compassionate and sweet girl and the right kind of people will see that. Some already do and I just want to say thank you, but that I just need to get away from the support as ironic as that sounds.

I will be fine, in time all heals. Just know if I don't speak with some of you it isn't because I don't like you or am upset with you. I love you all lord knows that this has taught me to love everyone and see past the petty problems. Please hug those you cherish and never fail to smile. Eliminate those that bring you down and remember anyone who isn't willing to put effort into you or attempt to understand you is not worth your time. Be your own person and never live for anyone but yourself. Do everything for those you love. I'm regretting the things I failed to do, but I can only go uphill from here and I am determined to do so.

<3
Alexis Zoe

 

P.S He makes me happy =]

Life as it goes.

Expression. Pain. Happiness. Fear. Love. Confusion. Bliss.

Words have always been my way of "venting". When I write I feel as though I can express exactly what I would like and that I through writing I will cease to ever be judged. My mother often told me that I wrote beautifully and that this was something I had tremendous skill in. When I wrote I always felt as though it was inadequate, but hearing that I had talent from my biggest critic always encouraged me to press on. This blog has been a way for me to recollect my thoughts through extremely difficult periods of time and other blogging sites have also served this purpose. This blog in turn has become more than just a space for various streams of words and thoughts, but has become close to my heart. I just want to first begin by expressing my deep gratitude towards all of those I have in my life. You all are saint of people and I am truly blessed to have encountered so many wonderful people in my life. Without your love and support I would not be where I am today. I harbor so much love and respect for you and want you to know that I do appreciate you all.

I do not want to state the purpose or what compelled me to write this particular post. I feel as though at this moment it isn't information for the world to know. I just want to share with you what I have learned within the past few years and especially the last few months that I feel need to be said. Life does not come easy for most. The challenge of life constantly reminds us that we are alive and allows us to learn so much about who we are inside. At times, the challenges may seem impossible but what is important is the ability to constantly combat them. We are not fearless creatures so sometimes this battle may seem scary, but just know that in the end you will come out victorious. There is something more beautiful than can ever be imagined beyond all this. The challenges make us appreciate the good that we do have in our lives and remind us of how lucky we have been throughout the years. They remind us that being alive is precious and that this is something we should never take for granted. Waking up and still being here is something that is incredible.

We all struggle or suffer in some way during our lives. Misfortunes come and go to various degrees. Regardless of the degree they are still something we eventually must face. Some experience more than others, but in the end we all understand pain, fear, confusion, anger, and all that comes with negativity. We get through these emotions and we grow into stronger people. Some learn and grow from the negative which has been dealt to them and others fall. I feel as though today I have fallen, but I know that in time I will get back up. I have experienced real heart break. Heart break does not come from some guy who mistreats you or being rejected from something. Real heartbreak is losing someone that you love more than life itself. Real heartbreak causes physical illness. My heart, though broken still wants to love and still is holding on. It is the most painful experience in the entire world, but this pain creates a slew of different emotions aside from the sheer idea of pain. Heartbreak reminds you of what is fundamental to life. It allows you to reevaluate and see how silly little things are and push those things aside to appreciate and put energy to what is actually important elements in life.

In life we often settle for the mundane. We live our lives cowardly hiding behind what society tells us we should be. Instead of cherishing those we love we take them for granted and we forget to take time to count the seconds that we have in our own lives. When something bad  happens in our daily routine we take it out on those we love the most. What we fail to remember is that those that love us are precious. I am lucky to have people who love me so unconditionally and to have so many wonderful memories with these people. We can lose a lot in life. Life is full of letdown, hurt, disappointment, and loss but in the end nobody can ever take your memories from you. My memories are the most precious possessions that I have. Thinking about all of the memories I've shared with someone who is the most incredible woman in the entire world has helped ease this new found pain. Instead of focusing on the mundane focus on making memories with those you love and always letting them know that you love them. Love is a beautiful thing and that can never be taken away from you. You can never really lose anything in life if you hold onto all of that love and never let go of what you stand for.

If I had one request for you all it is that you always love and you attempt to not let the little things fill your heart and mind with negative energy. Life is far too short to allow yourself to harbor ill feelings. Never limit yourself and never judge those around you. Remember... Life may be kicking someone in the ass. I'm so lucky to have had someone who loved me more than life itself and to have a select few who love me as much as they do. For that I can not be miserable or sad despite how terrible I feel, because in the end I still am winning. Some do not ever experience what I have and that is what will get me to push forward always. Memories never die.

Love you all,
Alexis Zoe

In times of hell. In times of sun.

.... You join with me my precious one. Far stretch of road I found you on we walk together arm in arm. Oh shiny eyes bright as the sun. You were my treasure my dearest one.

Darling Blog,

It has been quite a while since I have given you the proper attention that you deserve, but alas I find myself compelled to write something non academic for a moment. It is 3:30 A.M. in the morning and I am writing to you wide awake. It seems that the 15 hours of sleep I required after being somewhat ill has rendered me wide awake at my normal nocturnal hours. I am writing to you in a state the of disappointment, happiness, excitedness, and more importantly changed. The past week and a half has been one of the most difficult for me. I have debated many options and finally have the weight of the world off of my chest. Though I am extremely happy for my decision I still will very much be spending the rest of my days in Chicago with my mother and feeling pain for leaving her darling face. She is my inspiration in life and her strength has taught me more about life than anything ever could. My mother is my hero. I have been blessed to have met a woman with incredible strength, who has passed over her morality to me. Cancer. I hate you so much Cancer. I have never hated something more than anything in my entire life. My mother is the last person on this Earth who deserves this terrifying disease. It pains me to look at her in the state that she is in. She was always strong and full of life and to see what cancer has done makes me disgusted. Tears have become prevalent part of my life, but that does not mean that I have let sadness consume me. If I love my mother, and truly learned anything from her is that I must fight and always carry on even during times of turmoil. Her battle has taught me to never give up on anything in life and this is why I have chosen to go to Nebraska for my PhD.

For the entirety of my life I knew I was destined to do great things, not just for my own personal benefit but for others as well. Growing up I dealt with a lot of loss and disappointment early on. Losing most of my family to cancer, being cut from plays, and being mistreated by many people. I was the kid people picked on. I was never good enough for anything. My family ceased to exist. I never let any of this bother me. When kids made fun of me I  became more determined to do good and make something of myself. When I was cut from a play I practiced twice as hard and made it. I loved the people I did have in my life so much more than I could ever love anyone. I have lived my life with no regrets, because I have always been true to who I am. I know that I have made my parents proud, despite my flaws and imperfections. I know that someday I will do great things for this world even if only small things. I smile always and when faced with difficult situations. Each time I face a trial I know that it will teach me something that I can in turn teach to others. Through this process I can help others understand their situations and feel as though I have this much more deep level of compassion and understanding for others.

I do not require things to make me happy, nor do I require vast amounts of attention. I am happiest when I am able to make others happy. My happiness can be found in the stars, trees, waters, and mountains. When I sit contemplating life to hans zimmer music I feel as though I am alive. My mind has been a place of salvation for me. My relationship with the lord has gotten me through the most difficult moments in life. The outdoors, bicycle rides, memories with great people those are what I cherish and hold a dear place in my heart. I just need prayer in my life right now. I pray for my family, and for my future endeavors. I pray that someday someone will love me and see me for the beautiful person I am both inside and out. I pray for all those in the world who are suffering worse than myself. I pray for the lost, the sinning, and those who need strength. I just wish this world could be happier. If I could outreach my arms and give every person on this world a giant hug and reassurance that they are not alone I would. The world can be a terrifying place. What is important is to always remain strong through it all and to never sacrafice the person that you are. My heart is gold and I can never change that. I often fail to understand why others are not receptive or accepting of my warm heart, but the reality of it is that skepticalism has created walls and barriers between people. Don't always guard yourself, because this limits you from so many possibilities. Don't be afraid to let your heart feel or let obstacles stop you from getting what you really in life. Everything is possible and you are never alone.

With that I leave you with my latest youtube video.

<3
Alexis Zoe

Valentines Day.

The day in which those who are single acknowledge the fact that they are in fact single. As a single person for the first time in two years (the past two relationships I have had began on February 14) I have not had a "boyfriend". I had mixed feelings about this. Though I don't really care to be in a relationship at the moment I still had a hint of loneliness. I believe that most single people experience this inkling of loneliness because it's just a reminder that they don't really have someone to hold, kiss, and do things with on a consistent basis. Recently I've just been dating and going out and though I've enjoyed the experience I have it's nice to have someone who you have an emotional connection with rather than physical attractions. I decided that instead of hating on Valentines Day as I once did that I would embrace it. I would make it new and renound. It would no longer be about lovers, but would be an appreciation and reminder that I love many people. So I baked. I baked until my body could no longer tolerate being around a vast amount of sugar. I baked until cupcakes no longer looked decadent, but rather resembled something grotesque. I put my entire heart into each little sugary creation to express how much I appreciated those in my life. As I baked I realized how much I enjoy baking cupcakes and just baking in general and how it would be fantastically amazing to collaborate with lumberjack (a master cupcake artist) and one day make my own shop. Lumberjack is an adorable guy who assumes the role of a lumberjack in both size, and beard. He brought me cupcakes and therefore he owns my heart. It doesn't take much to win me over :P Jokes, but it was a sweet gesture. I have no idea what I'd call it, but I'm sure I'd think up something clever. I feel as though I kind of am like a cupcake. A cupcake can come in many different flavors and almost always tastes delicious. It's not quite a cookie, it's soft and sweet. Kind of like me. I'm soft, sweet, and different. I like to think of a cupcake as a muffin on steroids.

After baking all night and handing out a couple cupcakes to my wonderful darling friend Katie I ended up dressing up in pink for the sort. I prepared myself emotionally for all the flowers and sweet gifts I would see circulate through my job and attempted to see the bright side of sorting flowers. "At least the metroplex will smell pretty!" The sheer idea of flowers smelling pretty compelled me to get even more dolled up for work. Working blue collar does not allow for much personality. I wear a uniform and I feel as though each time I doll up for work people look at me as though I'm some strange alien who does not belong on that planet. I suppose I could qualify as a strange alien from another planet, after all I work with mostly men and am not the image that pops up when they think of blue collar worker. I got a few whistles and a couple babies and continued on my quest armed in pink with cupcakes. When I arrived upstairs I laid out the cupcakes and offered them to my coworkers. They were all smitten with my cupcakes and I was even called by my lead "the sweetheart of the primary". He asked me if I did anything special and informed him that I lacked a Valentine and a boyfriend. He said that someone smart would pick me up soon. That he was sure of.

Someone.... I don't just want someone. Upon reading a little note from a boyfriend to his girlfriend I saw the beauty in his words and could almost sense the sincerity. That is what I realize that I want and deserve. I could easily have settled this Valentines day. I feel as though most of my relationships have failed just for the fact that I do in fact settle. Loneliness can result in just as much irrational behavior as love. I can safely say that I know the difference between desperation and love. I have only loved one person in my lifetime and the rest have been a way of feeding loneliness. As I read this and thought about relationships and settling I realized how this is the happiest single I have ever been. I realized that when I don't find something I want I will feed that loneliness somewhere else and when you take away trust and truth in a relationship it deteriorates in a very negative way. Getting hugs from my coworkers and called sweetheart was enough to make me appreciate my life.

When I left the metroplex I picked up breakfast for my family and left it for when they woke up. If anyone deserves special treatment it is my family. They are my rock and have supported me through so much of my life. I slept for a few hours only to awake late yet again. I was insistent on dressing up so I quickly dolled up. I rocked brown tights, jean shorts, a be mine pink valentine shirt, my brown and pink paperboy hat, and several other pink themed things. Let's just say that today I looked like Miss Valentine, I was a charm. I gathered the rest of my belongings, including more cupcakes and rushed off to work. I listened to cheezy acoustic love songs and smiled the entire drive. Love is beautiful and that's essentially what I think this stupid hallmark holiday is here to remind us of. When I arrived at work I didn't even get upset when things seemed to all go wrong. I instead smiled, listened to more wonderful music, and finished all the tasks on my to do list. Off to class I was where I got to vent on my hatred for Lady GaGa, my distaste for those who feel arcade fire are less talented than people who lack any talent, and how we have forgotten what it really means to be American and that capitalism has taken over most of the feeble brains of our country. I was then informed that the entertainment industry received 500 billion dollars vs. the 80 billion for education. Quite an alarming number and perhaps even more alarming is that we make up half of the money used for advertisements globally. This got me thinking up an idea. I should blog about being a blue collared worker, in the academy, and constantly analyzing the degradation of America and what we once stood for. I won't speak too much about it, but let's just say that we have taken away industry and the foundation America was built on. If we continue the building that once stood strong will collapse. I suppose the twin towers could be a foreshadowing/representation of what has become of this country. Sad, but I feel as though it's accurate.

When I arrived home I received loving hugs from my family and little valentines. I gave each of them their valentine from me. When I looked at my mother I instantly realized that I was allowing so many trivial things to run my life when I need to re-focus my life. For those of you who aren't aware my mother is in stage IV cancer and lately she has had vision issues. She has to see a neurologist oncologist to make sure that it hasn't spread to her brain. This thought scares me and when I saw her I nearly choked up. I love her so much and love my family. When I get upset about being alone, school, just life in general I think about my mom and all of the fighting she does for us and never lets it knock her down and it just makes me feel as though I really need to stop sweating the small stuff or surrounding myself with people who aren't worth my time. Life is so precious and we so often take it for granted. We forget what's really important. I used to be a person who would get upset over the smallest things and now I shrug things off. Let life happen and don't become bitter over silly things like being alone, people more well off then yourself, or something to that extent. Strive to be a better person and stay true to your heart. I'm just as my boss described me.... A sweetheart. People take kindness as a sign of weakness, but I am far from weak. I know so many strong people and I gain my strength from them and fight even harder knowing what they go through. Life is too short to let things hurt. Smile. Be you. Love. Give your heart in everything you do. Life can be beautiful you just have to paint it that way. I want to see in glorious rich colors, I want my canvas of life to be a work of art. I am a work of art, different, creative, dorky, sweet, and a very happy person. Valentines day doesn't have to be about couples, everyday doesn't have to be about how much love you receive, but rather how much you love and respect yourself. In the end you have yourself to answer to. You will lose people in life, be deceived, manipulated, hurt, left, and meet new people. You never know what will happen, but one thing you do know is that you are living in a reality of your own. You are capable of making life a wonderful experience full of adventure, sanctification, and ultimately hopefully you learned something about you in the process.

Let life happen. Love. Hope. Dream. Never give up on life, because each morning you wake up is another day you have a chance to experience more of the wonderful things living has to offer.

Love Always,
Alexis Zoe

Dearest Darling Life,

It is very rare that I allow negative emotions take hold of this strong and independent creature that I'm constantly striving to be. Perhaps the most riveting part of life is the notion that you have complete control when you really think about it. Sure things will come and try to stop you from feeling as though you have this sense of control, but if you are satisfied with yourself and constantly striving to be the best person that you can be life becomes so fantastically amazing. I can't even begin to describe the smiles I have shared with people recently and the pure joy I have found with my own life and how comfortable I have come with being Alexis Zoe. I am a nerdling obsessed with video games, spiderman comics, Ireland, tights, biking, PBR, and being alive. I dress adorable because it makes me feel adorable and happy. I take pride in being the lady that I am.

Last night I had a falling out. I call it a falling out because it was so not my character and it was the negative that overtook my mind. Things became bad and I found myself drinking again. Something I tend to do when I feel as though life is going to massacre my sweet heart completely. I drank my Whiskey and Pabst and found myself questioning why I always spend the nights alone with these two. After drinking I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad for being alone. I felt bad that my mom was sick. I hated that I felt as though I have accomplished so much, but don't have anyone to be proud of me, be inspired by, or even be noticed. I felt as though I was the ghost that I often describe in my novels. The girl who claims to be limitless, but limits herself. After crying some portion of my night to some of my wonderful friends I realized that I am not alone. I have people who love me so much and who think I'm beautiful and remind me of that. My friends are the greatest people on this earth. They bring so much joy to my life and so many wonderful memories. At times I wonder how they put up with my zanny personality, but then I realize that my personality does draw people in.

Today I filled out my intent graduate and ran into one of my darling cohorts. We conversed about impending graduation. I still am praying that I finish it all. I know that I have the drive and passion to, but at times we all question our abilities. After this I worked on my thesis a bit feeling inspired and then went to have coffee with an old friend. We're going to a Museum next week and I get to go to Lolla this summer which I'm completely and utterly stoked for. I then went to have coffee with my darling father, but missed out on my Starbucks buddy. I always find myself a bit disappointed when he isn't in just because I adore the conversations we have. My father and I enjoyed our coffee and then decided that it was time we eat some steak because the deer were making him ravenous and I just had a T-Rex craving. We ate and enjoyed our food and then I headed out to see my darling Katie Holmes. My invader zim buddy. It amazes me that I have such a strong and amazing friend. She is a charm. Katie, Rich, and I had coffee (my third serving for the day) and then headed to smoke hookah. A guy waved at me and made my day, because goodness knows I eat up attention! Katie told me I was pretty and she should know that she is gorgeous!When I got home I purchased my flogging molly tickets and now I feel unstoppable. I also have Abe Lincoln to thank for having no work tomorrow :)

When I got home I felt liberated, free, and as though my life has begun to take a turn for the better. When I got home I realized that I have friends that I treasure and that I could not get through life without. They love me when I'm vulnerable, love me despite my imperfections, they love me for who I am. It's brilliant being able to be yourself. It's amazing being able to be random and enjoy just living with those you care about and who you can have fun with. I have discovered recently that life is about taking risks and going on adventures. The cards aren't always going to be in your favor, but the risk and fun in trying makes it all worth it in the end. You lose some games and you win some, but in the end it's not about how many you've won or lost. It's about how well you played, how hard you fought, and how much passion you put into this game of life. I have so much passion in my heart. I have so much fight in me and I will do great things. My mother told me today that the reason I have such trouble being with a guy is because I'm overtly sweet. I give myself completely to whoever I allow to get that close to me in life. I will never change the person that I am, because I know there are people who respect me and admire me for the woman I am.

I work hard to play hard. I live life fully. I dream big. I want to change this world in some small way that may seem irrelevant to most, but holds a dear place in my heart. I want to always be best friends with my father and mother. I want to always adventure with my best friends and make crazy fun memories with them. Sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself. In order to truly understand just how strong you are and just how wonderful your life really is sometimes you need to step outside of yourself. When I look at the world I see so much pain and hurt. When I really think about my life as a whole I realize how much I have grown because of the life I lead. It amazes me how much we limit ourselves, when we could have the whole world in our hands. It's not about what you own, what you have, or how many people you have in your life. It's about owning the night, dreaming and living life freely, and it's about having people who mean something in your life. So many celebrities are miserable and so many sacrifice pieces of themselves to be something they are not so that they are constantly surrounded by people. Artificial has taken over our current culture, but if I could just shake people and show them that life is not about being something your not but loving the person you are I can guarantee there would be so many more smiles.

I just want to help people. I want to continue to be a free spirit, and I want to love with this heart of gold those who deserve to share my treasure. Gosh thanks life for being so awesome! Love you all.

I have denied love.

I love documenting my life. Thanks to the wonderful world of blogging I can go and read posts dating back to 2003. These posts document various points of my life, which to me is really invigorating. When I read back to the little girl in 2003, then 2005, and 2008 I find it incredible how in two year increments I changed tremendously. Even from year to year I seem to have learned something new about myself even if I didn't change a whole lot. I still am that girl I was in 2003, but I have just grown mentally so much. In 2003 I saw the world very much like must teenagers do, negatively. I disliked my parents for all the constraints they held on me. I thought I knew what love was and was determined to find it. This is a phenomenon I noticed about myself that I recently have gotten "over". Most of my blogs consisted of words such as love, heart, heartbreak, heartache, him, I LOVE HIM! Marry me..... I still don't know what love is. I can't say that I have even loved. When I read my old blogs I seem to have convinced myself that I loved every single person I dated, but I can honestly say that I may have felt love once. I still am unsure of whether this was true love. I suppose it was, because up until recently I always ran, always felt, always wanted.... Recently I have given myself more respect and realized that it is time to let go of that old glimpse of hope and false love. It made me realize how much I relied on love in the past, and how I didn't really know what the heck that four letter word really meant.

My entire life I have always longed for someone to provide me with the love and affection that I require. My friends have been astonished by the number of people I have dated and the amount of relationships I have had. I have always been the type to fall, always wanted someone that I could call mine, and each time I have failed in all my attempts at love. My need for affection has created issues, because I've never found anyone who was as affectionate as I am. My dad told me that everytime I like someone, someone liked me, or I was in a relationship with I have always tried to find something wrong with it even when there was nothing wrong with it. His comment really got me thinking. Do I really do this? Yes. I set myself up for failure before I even get in any relationships. Yes, I have been a bad girlfriend. Yes, I am the male in the relationship. Yes, I am a cocky bitch. I have hurt. I have placed the blame on parties that were not guilty. I could say it all stemmed from an ex boyfriend who constantly called me names. I could say it came from the guy who actually cheated on me, but I can't blame anyone for my failures. In fact,  if anything they gave me more excuses to use against future men. I don't know what love is, because I haven't felt it. I don't want to know what love is either I want to experience it. I want to let it happen. I don't want to continue on the same path I have always been on relying so heavily on being with someone.

This is the longest I have been single in a long time. What I find compelling is that my friend said it felt longer than it actually did.... You know you haven't been alone when someone thinks a few months is a long time. I'm actually really happy alone for once. I'm happy being able to go out and have fun without worrying about being the bad guy again. I was loyal to my last boyfriend and sweet. I invested everything into my last relationship and I realized how much I lost in the process. I'm finally getting back up from it all and upon reading my journals I realize what a sad girl I really was. I don't need someone. I am finally comfortable saying that and am happy being alone. I guess it's weird for me to experience this new, by myself thing. I went out with my friends last weekend despite having lung failure and it was wonderful. It was nice not having to check my phone and explain I was drinking and checking out guys with my girls. It was nice getting into all kinds of shenanigans and just being free. I hate fighting. I hate things being awkward. I just love being free and doing things for myself. Don't get me wrong if I found someone who I really liked, wanted me, and was like me adventurous and amazing then I'd jump on it but for now I am just enjoying living. Looking at my room and seeing the floor is a nice feeling. Getting ready to go to work tomorrow after having two days off (a rarity) is nice, because I'm actually kind of ready to go back (not really to one of my jobs, but shhh don't tell anyone), and not having other plans other than dragging my daddy to see hall pass this weekend. It feels good. It feels like old times when I used to go with my dad.

This post isn't my typical "lets get all philosophical and shit" post. I just feel like posting because I read so many of my old blog entries and it made me see myself for what I was. I'm just so happy to be me and so happy to be living. I realized how much we need to just adventure and live. So many times we just limit ourselves, make ourselves depressed, and say no to things because we don't want to live. We are constantly afraid of living, but not me anymore. Yes that's all.