Working Towards a Better You

As a reflect on the past four years I can safely assert that I have in fact neglected the most important
person in my life, myself. While my mom was sick with cancer, I had a new found appreciation for life. I realized that we are fragile, and much like a beautiful piece of art, we can shatter. Sometimes we can pick the pieces back up and recreate the piece into a beautiful mosaic. Other times, the glass is unable to be repaired. I chose to take the pieces that shattered from my mom's terminal cancer diagnosis and created a new, but beautiful picture. A picture of a life I always desired, but could never achieve. I went on for a Masters degree, finding enrichment through education. I worked out daily, which felt freeing when and helped to reduce life stressors. I was at a healthy weight, where I was feeling confident in my looks, abilities, and self. My health seemed to finally be back on the right path. I was dedicated to facilitating change both through my research and my commitment to my community. I recall putting on my reduce, reuse shirt and riding my bike to the blue line train. I got off the train, with spidey (my bike) by my side and celebrated earth day with hundreds of other people hoping to save the animals, environment, and our home (Earth). In that moment, at the Earth Day Celebration, I felt as though I had finally discovered who I was. Somewhere between that moment to the present I think I lost my way. As mentioned is previous blogs, I lost my path.

I'm not sure if the major loss of my older brother has caused me to reevaluate my life choices, but I certainly think it has sparked something within me. I realize the past 4 years I've been slowly digging my own grave. First, the stress that I have experienced in the past 4 years has been indescribable. There were moments I was wondering how I was still even able to exist. Rather than viewing education as a gift, I began to view it as a pressure. I constantly felt not good enough, and as though I was not worthy. I know it's not uncommon for people to have impostor syndrome, but I felt as though mine was getting the best of me. Second, my physical health began to deteriorate. I slowly gained all of my weight back and then some. I have been the heaviest I have been since high school, and am disappointed and enraged at myself. I made a promise when I lost over 100 pounds that I would never let myself get that big. Here I am 4 years later twice as heavy. I worked incredibly hard to take off the weight and can't believe I am back at square one. Third, I have put aside my own desires and passions to appease to others. I feel as though I am selfish when I do something for me. And at times, I really want to say "I JUST WANT A DAY ABOUT ME", but I continue to struggle with that. Additionally, I have allowed others to bully me and even make me feel bad. It is my assumption, that most people, don't truly want to hurt you. We can and often do say hurtful things that aren't indicative of how we feel. I can, and should, tell people when they say these things.

The past two days I've tried very hard to be a better me. To remember the maybe 2 years I was happy
in my life (aside from my childhood). I had a routine and I enjoyed my routine. I was productive, felt accomplished, and most importantly was proud of the person I was. I'm not proud of myself. I am not happy with what is going on in my life. Even though I haven't woken up at the time I want (I'm finding it completely impossible to wake up these days) I force myself to do what I had planned to do at that time. For example, the past two days I have biked 5 miles a day and swam for at least 30 minutes a day. Even though my body is sore I pressed through. I almost gave up halfway through my swim today, but then I saw a cardinal. The cardinal landed on the post by the pool. It was a beautiful, bright red. The cardinal began to sing one of the most incredible songs I have heard in nature. I continued to swim and it continued to sing. It felt as though the cardinal was singing to me and telling me to keep going. When the cardinal finally left, I paused for a moment and felt as though it was my brother, mom, or perhaps both. I believe in my heart, that it was a message to keep going. To keep fighting the darkness and to work towards my happiness. To be the person I consider "better". Today I am blogging. I want to continue to blog my emotions, feelings, and get back to my own personal writing. Writing brought me clarity and allowed me to cope with difficulties. And as a narrative scholar, I've come to learn that writing is cathartic.

I want to be a better person, and find my happiness again and not just for myself. I want to be happy and strong for my dad, who is going through something unimaginable. I want to be there for my sister and show her undeniable love. I want to be the best sister I can to my younger brother, who I know struggles daily. Most of all, I want to be happy for my husband so that he remembers why he married me. I also want to accomplish what I have set out to do from the start, to help people. I want to educate students and have them come to me and talk to me. I want to be the person that helps to guide them and makes them feel as though they can bring the skills they learn in the classroom into their lives. I want to continue to research cancer and illness, even though it hurts me and reopens wounds. Not because I want to be sad, but because I want others who have had to face what I have not to feel alone. Each year I want to do something for my mom and brother to show them that I am thinking of them.

Because Jay loved nature so much, I'm planning on doing something for him while in Arkansas.
Maybe going by the mountainside and saying a prayer for him. Maybe just having a fire and remembering him and telling stories. For my mom, I want to continue to light a candle. I also want to keep alive her love for life, desire to help others, and her fashion sense. In order to accomplish all of this I need to find my happy place. I need to do what makes me happy first so that I can be a better person for all of the people I love so much. I know I will get to where I need to be, I just need to believe in myself and have the confidence I once did. I have a paper accepted to NCA, I have the front end of my dissertation almost complete, and I have a tenure-track position with people I am greatly looking forward to working with. I can do this.

XOXO
Lex

Haunted

For much of my life I was haunted by pains that seemed so unbearable at times I didn't want to be here. While some of these thoughts plagued me for years, and some still do I have never had the courage to leave. I have experienced a tremendous amount of loss for my age, and I am and forever will be haunted by this notion. When I lost my mother, I thought that life could not get worse. I hoped, and to some extent, believed that I would not have to endure another loss in the near future. 4 years later I feel myself breaking down, the ground seems to be falling from beneath me, and I am dealing with the loss of my older brother.

When my mother got cancer, I vowed to make something positive out of it. I wanted to help people. My need to help people overtook me, and I became set on doing research to help people. More importantly, I realized that there weren't that many people at my age who had to deal with or see what I saw. When I did meet people who experienced the same loss I felt relieved, in a weird way. I wanted to do something to bring young adults together who lost a parent to a terminal illness. However, in the quest to help, I find myself neglecting me own feelings, desires, and needs. I realize now more than ever that people truly don't know what to say when faced with loss. Telling me to move on from my mother tells me I should not still be grieving her, which I am. Asking me how close or how I was related to my older brother is like saying well you weren't close so it shouldn't affect you.

Each holiday, birthday, celebration, and major life event I am haunted by the fact that my mother will never be able to attend. She will never see the woman I grew up to be. It took me a long time to accept this, and to this day I still struggle. I still feel angry that I don't get to have my mother while others do. I still am envious of those have their parents see their weddings, major life events, and see their children stabilize. The pain and grief I still live with the loss of my mother will never truly go away. As I told my Father, you don't ever move on, but rather you keep going. You need to keep going to honor and allow the memory of your loved one to stay alive. I had Brandon and my wedding in Galena to honor my mother, because that was a place she always dreamed of me getting married. While most people would say, "wouldn't this make you sad?" I didn't get sad. It felt good to be having an important and life changing experience in a place that my mother and I shared such a connection. It was like she was there, if not physically, in spirit.

When I visited my mothers grave this weekend, I told her I was sorry for not taking care of my brother, but that I was trying to help people. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but I did. More than I ever thought I could. I put my hands on her grave and it felt comforting, but also reminded me that she is not here. I can never give my mother a hug. I can never tell her how I truly feel. I will never see her again.

My brother's passing has reminded me and open up wounds I've worked towards repairing from my mothers death. Seeing my brother made me flashback to my mom. However, this was even more painful. My brother and I shared a love for music. He had his band play music to my lyrics because I always wanted to be in a band. I don't think he knew how meaningful that was to me. I was heavily bullied in high school. The music I listened to was my life and is what helped me cope with the pain. I always wished I could be in a band like him or my younger brother, but I knew it would never happen for me. That one song gave me so much joy. I've listened to it about a 100 times and just keep thinking about how that changed my life. It is a testimate to what kind of person my brother was. I knew eventually I would lose my parents. While I lost my mom way too soon, I never thought I'd lose a sibling, at least not so young. I never thought someone I loved would be in so much pain that they would take their own life.

I think this has affected me so much, because I've been in such a dark place that I didn't want to be here. Some of these blogs I'm sure alluded to my pain and suffering. I was bullied, cheated on, lost my childhood home, ran into financial issues, and been sick most of my life. My mom dying made everything else seem trivial and this makes life seem just way too short. We spend so much of our lives worrying about everything, working so hard, and at the end of the day what do we have to show for ourselves? Possessions? I worry everyday. I am so paranoid and so concerned about the future that I become too blind to see what's important in the moment. On the way home from Chicago, I'm fairly certain I may have had a mini stroke. Despite the loss of two important people and a scare of losing mobility of my body I still worry. I don't want to be consumed by pain and worry, but some days it's difficult to control. I think about my brother and what could have drove him to do what he did. I miss him and wish that I could hug him. I hadn't talked to him since Christmas, and the guilt that I feel is tremendous. Moving away from my family was one of the most difficult decisions I made in my life. Knowing that I missed out on so much of my brothers life and couldn't be there right away for my family pains me still.

I want to move forward and just want some of the stress and worry to go away. I'm not sure how I will get to that point. Some days I feel crazy and unable to do much of anything. I still do have many people in my life that I love, including my husband, dad, brother, sister, and nieces/nephew. I still can't get over that I could lose one of them. I think about it and I get depressed and worried. I just hope that I can find peace and that I can eventually get to where I want to be. I will always miss and be sad that I lost my mother and brother, but I will do my best to allow their memories to be a present part of my life.

The Air Around Me Still Feels Like a Cage

Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there. Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I can not ache. I don't deserve to have you. Oh my smile was taken long ago if I can change I hope I never know.

I was on the path towards light. The darkness that surrounds my heart. The bitterness that I had towards losing my mother, the bullying, and my other issues was feeling manageable to say the least. A little over a year ago I had an ankle surgery which rendered my basically "useless" for several weeks. I could not walk on my own and had to care for myself most of the day. I experienced a pain that I had let stew within my for years. This pain completely took over my body. I could not function. I could not imagine getting up in the morning. I didn't want to do anything I loved anymore. Most of all, I began to push people away. I felt increasingly more uncomfortable talking to me, because of my dark thoughts. Some people who knew me became concerned and were there and could see the signs of depression that were coming out. Others could not empathize with me. I reached out for help. I was in the lowest of places. I had not dealt with my pain for so long that it was coming full force. I just wanted to make sure that everyone else was okay.

I know where my low place was. I know how detrimental it was for me. I can't even imagine the pain my brother was experiencing. I lost my brother and it's been a very difficult loss for me. I feel so much pain for my father and sister. I'm so concerned about their well-being and what I can do in this experience. I want more than anything to be there to comfort them. I'm also feeling as though I almost feel connected to this in some way. Not that I caused anything, but just because of how I've felt in the past. I've been in a place where I thought life was not worth living. I became engulfed by a darkness that I believed would never pass. I will miss and pray for my older brother. I wish more than anything I could have talked to him. I think about how I wish I had spent more time with him and got to know the person he was more. Our love of music connected us and was something we could talk about. In his honor, I've been listening to some of his music but also music we both had a love for.

I just keep listening to a lostprophets song over and over again, called rooftops. I feel like going to the top of the tallest building and just screaming. While I continue to work towards remaining positive, it's difficult. I keep slipping back into the why me mentality. I'm not sure what more I want to say today, but I am praying for my family. I hope that this pain can get better in time for us. I love them all so much, and wish nothing more than their happiness.

Time Passes

"Time passes, kills everything in it's path and then it buries us in history. Some bits, some bits seem to stick. Oh I thought you and I could be a timeless thing. I have to ask please answer honestly oh what would you have done if you were me? How could it go so wrong so quickly? Oh what would you do if you were me? Don't assume that I have found this easy. How would you feel if you were me?"--Frightened Rabbit.

I've forgotten, as I often do, that this blog always remains. A space through which I can feel safe and as though I won't be judged. Because ultimately "do people even know how they would feel if they were me?" Despite the saying, "imagine walking a mile in his/her shoes" we often don't consider how others feel. As a consequence, this proves to be a challenge when trying to engage in something as simple as providing support or empathy.

When I lived in Chicago, I recall riding the train daily. On my long trips, I could sense emotions surrounding me. Bouts of sadness, happiness, worry, boredom embodied the train systems. When I could sense sadness I could feel myself growing increasingly sad. When joy filled the air, I could feel myself growing increasingly happy. My intuitive nature to emotion has led me down beautiful flower filled fields, with a bright sun beaming down upon me. The warmth fills my body with joy as I take in the beauty that life can bring. However, this connection to emotion has also led me down a dark path. One where I am in a deep, dark forest alone. Beasts seem to howl as I run to save myself. The roads seem endless and I become increasingly more misguided and lost.

Those who tell me that I am strong and that I can get through my pain don't necessarily consider what it means to be me, or know how I feel. This, perhaps, is why it is difficult to find my way out of the forest. The right hand has not reached out to guide me yet. I've made an effort on my part, but to care for oneself, especially when fearsome of their surroundings, is not easy. Sometimes simple comments from complete strangers can remind you of the goodness that still exists in humanity. I like to believe that there are others in the world who exemplify and demonstrate this goodness.

My belief in humanity, and that people can be selfless led me to sacrifice much of my own happiness. I've began to work towards caring more about myself than others, but it is difficult. My life has been dedicated to making others happy. So much that I forgot what makes me happy. I let others bully me into behaving or doing what is in their best interest, rather than my own. Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am? Or maybe, it's not easy to transform from selfless to selfish. Sometimes, I feel that I'm selfish, and I think to some degree most humans are. But, knowing that I can be selfish, makes me feel evil, horrible, and as though I am being irrational.

I'm finally learning to try and accept all range of emotions I have. Not just the good, but the bad. Nobody experiences happiness every day of their lives. People fall in and out of darkness, but as my mother said, it's about getting back up and fighting. I fought for her so many years. I miss her dearly, but I want to become the woman she would want me to become. I know that I will continue to be dragged down, but I have to believe that in the end, things will in fact work out.

Time will pass, and as it does I will change. For life is an ever changing process through which we learn, grow, and experience. Our experiences then lead us to new directions, places, and ideas. These ideas then lead us to understanding who we are in different, and perhaps more meaningful ways. At our core, we are bundles of memories, meanings, and symbols. We construct, and reconstruct ourselves. Sometimes we make the wrong choices, which makes us try and figure out a new construction of ourselves. Sometimes we become out of date and we need to renovate ourselves. The beauty is that as we continue to function we learn what works and what doesn't. We eventually move on from what doesn't, and sometimes we get stuck. I'm stuck in the process of reconstruction. I'm trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.

Rambling of a chaotic, insomniac shall now cease. Here's to hoping this blog makes sense in the morning. Goodnight dear world, and remember if you haven't been told today you are a beautiful person. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get where you want to be, it's that you got there.

Always,
AlexisZoe

To de-isolate the isolated self.

Feelings of isolation, desperation, and fears can truly stunt your abilities to work towards motivating yourself. Consequently, the feelings you wish to combat seem nearly impossible to overcome despite your feeble attempts. Recently, I made a conscious decision to attempt to work towards accepting the feelings and emotions that I have experienced over the past year. Despite my efforts, it seems, that even if I put forth my best effort it has potential to go unnoticed. When I consider the purpose of life, and reflect on that notion, I'm not quite sure many of us ever reach a point where we feel comfortable saying we have "one true purpose". Ultimately, you either have the type of life where you have the motivation and ability to get what you want (i.e. feeling as though you achieved purpose fulfillment). Or, excessive trauma gets the better of you and you crumble under the seemingly endless pastors of forgotten plains (i.e. questioning if any of us truly have a purpose). Unfortunately, my once existential self has begun to stop questioning my purpose. As Camus asserts, humans are meaning seeking beings; however, life often does not provide us with concrete meanings (Camus, 1946). Therefore, much of our lives we seek meaning, have a deep rooted desire to understand who we are, and ultimately discover our true purpose. What then, does one become, when they begin to give up on purpose? What is a human without that fiery need to understand who they are?

To me, I've become somewhat of a living ghost. I float through life wondering if my existence means anything. However, while some people have several meanings they can pull from their inner treasure chests, I have none. My treasure chest has become sealed tight under the grasp of darkness from my own heart. I've searched high and low for the key to open the beautiful, unique, and purposeful treasure. As a result, I've created a world of isolation in myself. Intentionally isolating myself so that others won't be subject to the darkness that has created a dark cloud over my treasure. I'm told that the isolation causes people to "forget you", but if you are present and suddenly vanish shouldn't people wonder what happened? Shouldn't, much like crime shows, others detect some sort of foul play? Or does one need to physically disappear for people to step in and truly want to help? Mental disconnection, isolation, clear indications of a bigger issue can be a serious issue as well. Though you are physically present, there is a sense of disappearance. The person who once was there no longer remains. 

I don't want to go down in the history of my life knowing that I failed myself. However, there comes a point in life, at times, when one can't accomplish things without the help of others. It's particularly difficult for me to ask for help. I've always viewed myself as strong, able, and ready to concur anything and everything. The last year has been challenging on me, and while I required much more help then I received, I didn't ask for help. Even now, it has become increasingly difficult for me to force myself out, give up on searching for my key to my treasure chest, and try to overcome the fear of reaching out. I often wonder, if there is some way to better accomplish this. I sit, upset, distraught, reading work that makes me feel, but at the same time makes me further aware of my situation. There is much uncertainty and fear. Moreover, I feel as though the suffering did not end simply with the loss of my mom or my several ankle breaks/surgery, but now with my hopes for the future and what I want to do. People say "it will get better" or "you will overcome this" but alas I question these concepts. How does one simply get better when they continue to miss out on opportunities and feel as though not many people truly care?

I shall end this blog, because even writing this was an incredible struggle. A struggle I knew I must attempt. My writing is my therapy. My stories are what have been detrimental to my life, but also what have prompted me to work as hard as I have. It is a painful, happy, precious, and scary road that I must travel. To live, learn, and grow on my own personal road to narrative. 

To be Motherless. A Story of Resilience.

Sometimes, in the midst of our busy lives, we can become lost in a jungle of negativity. These negative emotions, feelings, and thoughts can drive our view and conceptualization of what it means to live. And as this negative energy continues to stir inside of our being we become more fearful. These fears carry into our daily practices, thoughts, and lives. At the core, one might consider for a moment why so many of us get to this point of darkness. How we become so lost in what seems like an endless dark forest. However, it's not about how we got lost it's about figuring out how we get out. We tend to dwell so heavily on how we got there, that we don't consider possible ways out. It becomes endless because we convince ourselves that it is endless.

In the distance, if we look hard enough, we can see light. So many of us miss this single most misery loves company is true. Indeed, we often become so interested in others lives that we lose sight of our own. We forget that at the end of the day the only true person you have is yourself. And while this may sound like a selfish notion it holds some truth.
important event during our daily lives. The light beckons to us hoping that we will turn for one moment from the darkness to encounter it. To see that if we focus hard enough there is a way out of this damp and dark forest. In recent events, I have chosen the light. So many people want to drag you down to their dark forest. As I continue to develop, grow, and discover new and beautiful pieces of my own identity others try to rip that away. To some degree, this seems to be on a more unconscious level. And I suppose you could say that the saying

I spent the majority of my life caring about others. I still do, but I've learned to care for myself along with others. A pivotal experience that demonstrates my care is caring for those who don't necessarily care for me. My mother would tell me that I cared too much. As a result, she argued I sacrificed my own happiness. To a degree, being selfless can have it's limitations in that if you care so much about others you simply don't have the time to care about yourself. I've learned to be selective of who I care about, but even I struggle to not care even in the face of adversity. When my mother passed away I cared so much about what people would think of who I was. My identity was forever changed 23 and motherless.

23 and motherless. It happened I met a boy. He makes me happy, but I can't ask my mom what she thinks. My mother was blunt, and in a way I appreciated her bluntness as I grew older. She knew when a guy was worth my time given her extensive experience in the dateosphere. I valued my mothers opinion and now my mother would never offer her opinion of this new found, dare I say, love?

24 and motherless. I'm in school and struggling. Some days are better than others, but I work hard and I constantly question whether or not I am truly good enough. Of course this is the impostor syndrome hitting me hard. When I felt this way my mother would always boost my confidence. This boost gave me the energy and motivation I needed to tell myself that things weren't impossible and I would always come out strong.

25 and motherless. I'm sick. Now I'm having to undergo a surgery which will render me immobile for quite an extensive period of time. Additionally, I have a wedding that I'm finishing up the final touches on. A wedding, that my mother will not be able to attend. The wedding that she longed to see she would not have a front row seat. My mother was the person who cared for me and without her I had to rely on my husband who was busy at work much of the time. My mother was the one who dreamed of her daughters wedding and it felt almost wrong to hold one without her. The day of the wedding was mixed with happiness and sorrow. No mother there, alone in a room. Friends and family were in and out, but I felt alone.

26 and motherless. It's hard to believe that it's almost been 4 years since I've had to say goodbye to one of the most influential people in my life. As I reflect I begin to see that time can begin to heal wounds, but that experiences serve as a constant reminder of what I can't share with my mother. I'm hoping for an exciting future in a career that I am passionate about. I wish and long for my mother to see my skills and tell all about how proud she is of her underdog daughter. I was always the underdog and I never stopped fighting or trying. That fighting spirit was one of the characteristics my mother loved so dearly about me.

For the last 5 years I walked deeper and deeper into a dark forest that grew more and more ugly. It became a place that I hardly recognized. Recently, I have found the light and I am starting to walk towards it. I have dreams, hopes, and belief that I can change not only the way I perceive my own life, but how I view others. When you lose your way it can take days, months, even years to get back to where you are the happiest. The key is never letting go of that tiny bit of faith in your heart or it can become enveloped in darkness. So much that you begin to lose sight of any positive aspects of life. I believe that life can be beautiful and that opportunities that you are presented can be wonderful regardless of the outcome. You have to maintain that, despite hardship, you will always have more to look forward to in the future.

Stay hopeless and optimistic my dear friends. I assert that the future has your best interest in mind, even if it doesn't seem so now. You can and you will prosper find your light and don't let go, even if the journey seems daunting.

XOXO,

Lexy J.

Fiction in real life

Recently I've found myself completely submersed in a television show that I feel has connected to my soul. While I like TV and find some shows entertaining I've never connected on such a deep level to a show before. Perhaps it's my complete and utter fascination with fairy tales and fantasy, but the show Once Upon a Time has inspired me to reconnect with my inner creative soul. It connects me to that what I once was and who I continue to strive to be. After all the show reminds us all that

Life is a process that can often cause us to feel lost. Sometimes love can feel as though it is the greatest weapon or that it wastes our years. I may have become slightly delusional, but I truly believe there is a piece of us that have felt this way at some point. Even those who have had the most turmoil, pain, suffering, and have succumbed to darkness have to ability to change who we are. Sometimes, in the face of a painful reminder of who we once were we can fall victim to reverting back to our old selves. Something as simple as replacing your hook for your "evil hand" or having the one you love most ripped from your side. Trying and believing you can overcome that darkness can be the most challenging experience because so often do we not believe in ourselves. 

I realize that believing in yourself is a constant battle, but that happiness is at the end for villain, hero, or victim.  I relate the most to captain hook or rumple. Captain Hook found love once, but was deeply hurt and lost that what he lost. Before and after that was a loner and constantly searching for gratification from other places. While lost he became selfish and began to become consumed with getting ahead in his own life rather then caring who he made victim to his selfish ways. I can relate to the loner lifestyle. I can also relate to consuming myself in what I feel would get me ahead and neglecting simple relationships. Rumple is in constant battle with his incessant need to have ownership of his dagger, containing his powers and ability to be a free man and not be controlled by others. His need for his freedom left him alone for years, but finally he was able to find someone to see past the beast. Consumed by himself rumple shows signs of progress, but ends up succumbing the darkness that is his dagger, even when given the option of having freedom by giving his dark parts to Belle. There were so many times in my past the darkness called to me. Beckoning me to come closer and to give in. The darkness of life can give you power whether that's over others or yourself. In my situation, I was so consumed with at least having power over myself that the darkness drew me close. I still combat darkness, but I feel that I am close to letting my true love have my dagger. 

Like Captain Hook and Rumple I have found true love. I would do anything and everything to ensure that my true love is safe from harm. I will always fight for what I believe in and what I love. I am starting to see that no matter what life throws at you, you can be a survivor. You just have to believe and you have to keep fighting.