Modern Day Fairy-tale

The girl with long dark hair slowly awakens from her slumber. As she stretches under her large fleece blanket made from the finest wool she looks up at her large golden, ornate ceiling. She has everything her heart has desired, yet the room feels so empty. The gold and gems that surround her feel unfamiliar as she attempts to get herself out of bed. These days it has become quite difficult for her to feel as though she can step out of bed. For she knows that her day entails heart wrenching and complex tasks for which she feels she is not yet ready to confront. These fears, worries, and anxiety have gotten best of her and at times she feels as though she wishes she could escape somehow. Perhaps she could take Melushia, her white stead, and ride far out into the forest. Alas, the uncertain nature of that brings her greater fear. The unknown keeps her locked in a castle for which she seldom finds happiness. The one who does bring her happiness is what has kept her from complete madness. As she sits in her bed she reflects deeply upon her past trying to make sense of the chaos. She yearns for her future to be less bleak than that of her past. However, she finds it difficult to think about a happy future in such a bleak present time. She slowly rolls out of her grand bed and looks into the mirror.

"Who have I become?" She whispers to herself. "What shall I do to escape this curse?"

She feels exhaustion despite her hours of slumber. For at night she doesn't truly sleep but dreams of her mother. A mother she lost long ago, yet the pain seems to near and fresh. She wonders if she will ever be able to see the future in a positive way. If this pain, the hard work, any of it will actually pay off. A castle may appear beautiful and spectacular from the outside, but inside it can be dark and dreadful. For much of the castle contains dungeons of tortured souls. Souls that she can relate to and yet she does not act on this darkness. She wonders if there will ever be a moment of weakness. A time where she will too be trapped in a more dark dungeon than her golden palace.

"No," she mutters to herself as she wraps her royal purple robe around. "I shall never become that which I despise."

Ripe with jealousy, pain, and anguish her ability to function doing daily tasks, those which seemed easy become daunting. She has lost herself, not to darkness, but to pain. Even the man for which she loves struggles to bring her back to the powerful magical princess she once was.
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I write creatively to express my feelings. In the past, my writing was what freed me from these feelings of emptiness and fear. The pain from the past stunted my ability to write fiction or even my research. I always felt that the pain I experienced was intentional. I was a person who was strong enough to fight and stay strong. My strength afforded me the opportunity to help those who experienced similar pain. However, sometimes the strong person inside falters. It can lead even the greatest to end up in dark places. Perhaps a place they never thought imaginable to get to. The lack of caring for myself led me to this dark place and now I struggle to get out. I do know that I need to work to get myself out and that it isn't easy. For even the fiercest warriors struggled to slay large beasts at some point in their lives. It is my goal to write fiction, reality, and feelings on this blog once again to combat these feelings. I do not want to continue to live in this castle that slowly is transforming into a dungeon. For I have had the gold of the privilege of opportunity that is slowly fading into the abyss.

I know that my hope to create and still be able to exist is going to be a difficult reality. Thus, I've tried to set myself up the best I could for life. However, my positioning and hard work has recently fallen underneath me and I find myself struggling and fearful. I must remember that in life there is no right or wrong it is only what you prescribe as right or wrong. For me I've allowed myself to feel wrong as though I was the failure. As though all of the pain and suffering was my fault. The blame, the guilt is enough to drive a person mad. Rather than beat myself up it is my full intention to get back on my horse and push myself to leave this prison and explore the unknown of life.

I hope you've enjoyed my blog and expect many more from me. I titled myself hopelessly optimistic for a reason. While sometimes I feel hopeless (most of the time) I've always tried to be optimistic about my situation or experience. I shall prevail and I shall become the strong fighter that I once was. I must regenerate my strength through that which I love the creative arts, to become a better person.

xoxo Lexy

2015 A New Year, A New Perspective

Each year I typically am like many people who generate a list of new years resolutions to appease towards being a better version of myself. It's as if a new year can suddenly erase all of my regrets, joys, and negatives of the past year. However, the way that resolutions/goals work is to think about what from the past you want to improve on and work on. Thus, this year rather than labeling my goals "resolutions" I'm going to call them just that goals. They are goals that I hope to achieve, but won't completely beat myself over not accomplishing. If I fail to accomplish something that doesn't mean that I'm a failure, nor does it mean I will never accomplish it. Sometimes goals can take us longer than what we prescribe for ourselves. The reason we don't see goals out is because if it takes us too long or it becomes to difficult we give up on our goals. We decide it's time to change who we are rather than think about the root of why this goal is so difficult to achieve. 

I've had many goals in my life that I have not accomplished. There are times I spent days beating myself up to the point where I became depressed over things that ultimately are trivial. When my mother passed away I swore I would learn from allowing things to consume or or forks in the road completely throw me off my A game. Unfortunately, I strayed away from the goal, but it doesn't mean that it's an impossible one. I've learned that I need to stop making excuses and I'm working this year in trying to overcome some of the pain. I wanted to write this blog, despite it being on the 5th, as a way to truly keep myself accountable. I used to write blogs all the time, they were my pleasure. Writing has always been the form of expression that has afforded me the opportunity to openly discuss my feelings. The past year or so I've completely neglected writing for myself and I intend to post more blogs this year. 

Though the formal list of goals may seem typical I still want to write out a list to see at the end of the year if I accomplished some of the goals I set for myself. I made a conscious effort to not just make career driven goals, but also goals for mental and physical well-being. Some are stereotypical, while others I find much more geared towards my own needs.

1. Practice the art of balance. Learn how to balance work and pleasure so that neither is being neglected. 

2. Work on my body and my overeating habits. Try to avoid overeating, drink more water, and exercise at least 3 days a week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I want to set a realistic goal to get me going rather than overworking my body and quitting early.

3. Write 5 days a week even if it isn't for long amounts of time or if I'm not feeling inspired. Writing even a bit a day may lead to something great whether its academic, creative, or personal writing.

4. Go to a Renaissance faire. I try to go every year and enjoy it.

5. Sell/donate more items that I don't need or don't use. I feel like we allow things to accumulate and clutter our lives. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed by things. 

6. Create weekly goals in my calendar and try to achieve those goals. If not make them a priority for the next week. 

7. Work on not guilt tripping myself about things or putting myself down when things happen. Try to retain a positive attitude. 

8. Try to stay a bit more organized.

9. Go fishing this year at least once. 

10. Take vitamins more vitamins to combat the illness/fatigue.

11. Purchase at least 3 things that I really want for myself without guilt. 

12. Try to learn a bit more about different cultures/dabble in another language.

13. Finish writing a fiction book with Brandon.

14. Do nice things for Brandon. 

15. Plan a trip that Brandon and I will go on in the next year or two.

16. Apply to more jobs and work towards finding something whether it's here in Nebraska or else-ware. 

17. Work on making a costume sewing project from FFXIV. 

18. Continue to practice sewing.

19. Paint more pictures and work on marketing my Etsy shop and building a portfolio. 

20. Bake more for others and bring baked goods over. 

21. Work on saving and budgeting better in 2015. 

This list is pretty hefty, but I tried to think of goals that are manageable that I can work towards this year. I don't want to overwhelm myself with goals and if I accomplish more I'll be more pleased rather than disappointed. I'm looking forward to 2015 even though it's a year of uncertainty for me. I believe that things will work out in my favor sometime soon. I've always been an underdog and had to fight and really convince people of my potential. I will continue to do so and continue to believe that I can accomplish anything if I just continue to work hard, dream, and believe that good will come. Have a wonderful new year. 

As the Darkness Creeps

I can feel it slowly overcoming my brittle and fragile body. A body that once was filled with joy, delight, and hopeless optimism. The person before me in the mirror is difficult to make out as what she once was slowly fades into darkness. An image of sheer fear and terror is all that remains. Perhaps it's time to accept reality as it is. Darkness. The present coherent narrative that drives and perhaps has consumed my life is that of darkness. As I sit here, nearly 4:00 AM I wonder why my mind races. The chaos and darkness overcomes my mind at all hours of the day, but especially, ironically enough, at night. For with the evening comes solitude. Very few humans live nocturnally, and maybe it's the late night FedEx runs talking, but I'm becoming more and more nocturnal. My body craves sleep, but the internal pains keep me awake.

"Longing for darkness."

One might say sleep is the ultimate darkness. For in sleep we do not see light. Perhaps that's why we dream to see some form of light. To step away from the loneliness the darkness can bring. The brain works in mysterious and powerful ways. As a child I believed that our dreams were another life. A life in which we imagined what we truly thought in our minds. Dreams of unicorns, rainbows, and all of my favorite animals snuggling by me overtook my mind. Sleep was not difficult, taken for granted, and truly under appreciated. As my dreams became more tainted with pains, agony, and sadness I learned that maybe our minds react to our living state. For instance, our dreams may be the person who truly is on the other side of the mirror. Not the fake smile, fake dress up, fake excitement person, but rather the pained and hurt person. The person that is consumed by darkness. Sleep is supposed to be the comfort that helps prepare us for the challenges the next day. I miss sleep and stepping out of the darkness for a moment. Life isn't all unicorns, rainbows, and cuddly animals. In fact, life is much more complex, traumatic, and scary.

It's been quite some time since I last wrote. Perhaps my own mind has created such a fear that has prevented me. Or maybe I'm a typical human making excuses for myself. Whichever is true, I know that I have lost many of the positive, inspirational, and motivating thoughts I once had. The thoughts that drove me to create this blog and write for others out there. To demonstrate to others the power of overcoming obstacles. The power to battle against the darkness at all costs. There are weak moments though. Forces that are too strong to combat on our own. I've dealt with a great deal of loss within the last three years and it's finally caught up to me. I'm not sure what true happiness is and I feel as though I've sacrificed so much of myself for others. I hardly recognize the person that stares back at me and it troubles me so. I don't mean to be depressing, but these are thoughts that keep me up at night. These are thoughts that debilitate my ability to function some days.

Writing was my passion. One of the few things that I felt I was talented at. Much like the artist, my writing was my creative outlet. It was a form of expression that enhanced healing both physically and emotionally. I'd cry writing, laugh writing, think critically while writing. When I truly felt alone, and as though I had no one else to turn to my blog, creative writing, and research was a way to emancipate myself from loneliness. I know that recently my motivation has diminished, at least to post on a blog, but in an attempt to make sense of my experiences and feelings I am determined to write at least once a month in this blog. Even if it's not the most prolific piece of work I've ever crafted I believe that I need to try. On that note, I've entirely gotten too brain dead to finish this blog. Until next time.

xoxo
Lexy

Born in the U.S..... Wait

When I reflect upon my life experiences thus far I can't help but think that something was always missing. Some place in my heart is not in the United States, but rather abroad. Don't get me wrong I'm a proud American and what have you, but I've never felt connected to celebrating our independence. In fact, I've only been interested in American history rather than celebrating America. I've always had a desire to live somewhere else. I'm sure we all experience this at some point in our lives, but I've always been drawn to the UK. Maybe it's the welsh in my blood, but I've just had a yearning to be there. If I were to be specific Ireland or Scotland country side. I'm only aware of what socialization looks like for Americans, and have little knowledge of what that looks like overseas. My travels to Israel have made me realize just how different we are from others. Additionally, these differences are not always negative or positive. In Israel, everyone welcomes you as though you are family. Here, I feel as though we label people and treat others differently if they are not a part of what we are defining as or constituting as family. People are willing to fight for and stand up for something rather than being submissive and sitting back letting others talk for us.

I miss my connection to the wilderness. The days I would go somewhere outside that was beautiful, with tea in hand, sitting and philosophizing about life. What, as humans, is our inane purpose? Are we serving something greater than ourselves, or is our lives for naught? Are we simply as science defines us to be? The simplicity of nature, makes it almost complex and fascinating. My dad and I would go out towards cornfields in the fall, apple picking, being outside and just talking about life. I miss him dearly, and the deep conversations we once engaged in. The process of thought has become a skill that has been long forgotten. The accessibility of today's technologies have ravished our abilities to engage in deep thoughts. Philosophy, as Socrates once feared, may be in the verge of extension. I now fear that I will not find someone who feels the same passion and desire to do what I once loved. In a sense, I have given up on the essence of my being becoming one of the sea of believers of the mecca that is the connected world. All that I knew, all that I once was has adapted to what nature is now deeming the most valuable possession of our lives.

Being away from people, negativity, and letting whatever is inside of you free is one of the most majestic experiences. I remember growing up we had an excessively large backyard. There was a huge tree in the back with a little Chinese garden. My favorite place to hang out was under that tree. On days I deemed to be horrible I would go outside under that tree and just meditate and think. I would let out any negative emotions or feelings that I had. When we moved to an apartment I lost that tree, but luckily right across the street was a forest. I would go to the forest and just close my eyes, allowing myself to imagine what a perfect world, my utopia, was.

Bursts of color would begin to surround me. The dull forest persevere would become somethings straight out of lord of the rings. Suddenly I was no longer the girl who was bullied, cheated on, or sick but a spirited young woman running through the forest in search of my next adventure. I could actually hear the sounds of the forest rather than imaging them based on what others have told me things sound like. I was.... free. When I look at castles and the beautiful countryside of the UK it makes me yearn to visit or even one day call home. Though that may be a dream of mine, I have slowly begun to accept that will never be a reality. A trip, perhaps, but a home never. I do not have the courage or heart to be so far from home.

I have not found a place that allows me to get lost in nature in Nebraska. It has been over three years since I have just allowed myself to be free and engage in deep conversation. It almost feels as though even more of "myself" has become lost in translation. My mind and physical well-being is becoming harder to maintain and I feel myself slipping away from all that I knew. I've lost what muster I've had in me to write this so I will end here.

Living without Life

Can we merely exist without life within our bodies? Is it possible to become so desensitized to the experience of life that we completely disconnect our minds, our bodies falter, and we become nothing but a body. I believe and have experienced living without life. The past year has been like that. There has been some life at moments, but most of the past year has felt like I was a body simply living. My organs functioning to the best of their abilities to survive. My mind being present when it needs to be. My very existence depending solely on my presence. This way of living without life is something that I never believed could, or would happen to me. Even in my darkest hours, the deepest holes I have fallen into, I have never felt less alive in my life. My abilities to create prolific work has become staggered by this feeling of emptiness inside of my heart. My anger, fears, and self-doubt have risen tremendously leaving me to believe that I am indeed a failure. The amount of scrutiny I have placed upon myself have led me to believe the absolute worst about my existence, my future, and my sense of self. Despite the pressure, deterioration of health, and mental instability I realize that I do still have some sense of control over my existence.

My body does not just have to be a present entity to humor others, but rather can be what I once believed myself to be. As my mother said "nothing worthwhile comes easy in life. You have to fight for everything." My mother not only fought for what she believed in, but she fought for her life. To live without having life in you, to me, is almost a since considering there are millions of people who suffer just to have life. The greatest gift you can have is your health and your life, and to feel the emptiness that I have felt is not being alive. It is, as stated, being present. I have made a conscious decision that it is time to work to change some of these feelings. I am determined to get back on my feet, and keep fighting not only to achieve my goals, but for my life.

In life, we consistently experience hardships. Some of these hardships seem trivial and leave our minds quickly. Others withstand time and continue to plague us as we attempt to move forward in life. Our lives as we know it are full of complexities that often we are only able to make sense of. For a long time I believed these extreme challenges were given to me because I was strong enough to not allow myself to simply become a person without life. Many years I decided that it was my duty and obligation as a person who suffered tremendously throughout my life to use those experiences to help others. Somewhere in between all of the challenges I lost that one single goal. The goal that kept me motivated, determined, and strong. I lost my passion and fight. Perhaps I have become cynical in my process of finding my true purpose in life. It seems that the challenges and hardships follow me constantly, dragging me down.

The main problem, is trying to overcompensate and fake happiness. Lately, I have been more open with sharing my negative emotions. Rather then denying these feelings and faking my "life" I have confronted them. These confrontations are the first step in recognizing that I have fallen off the path toward the magical kingdom that I hoped would become my home. A darker force has drawn me towards a path that has taken me further away from getting to that magical place I long to call home. I have allowed that darker force to consume my life and take me deeper and deeper into a dark forest. I have, somewhere in this process, become lost and enveloped in the darkness. Despite this, I know that I have the power and strength to fight through this.

Life will not always go the way you pictured it. Many times, life will throw new challenges at you that may make you lose your path for some time. If you allow yourself to be forever taken away, then your happiness and life may greatly be influenced. However, I am not prepared to allow myself to live in the darkness forever. To pretend that everything can get better in a single day and all of my life will instantly come back into my body and I will have endless happiness is not my goal. For this year, my goal is to not allow myself to feel like a failure or let others make me feel this way. I know that I am determined, capable, and worth something. People have stood behind me to help me fight the hard battles in life and have never stopped believing in me, even when I failed to believe in myself. I can do this.

Sometimes when I'm outside and just enjoying the wind I can feel the life coming back into me. We engulf ourselves in work, convincing ourselves we aren't being productive enough, or that we have better things to be doing. Humans biggest flaw is the failure to recognize the beauty in the experience of everyday life. To slow down each day and take time to realize what we are thankful for. My best friend got married recently, and it was hard for me because not only do I love her, but I wished I could have told my mom. When I think of the many moments my mother misses out on it makes me sad. However, I know that every day she was thankful just to be alive and able to share her life with us. My mother, on her death bed, made nurses laugh and describe her as a favorite patient. Her body was dying, but her life was still present. I cried all week last week and when I talked to my brother and I was crying he told me my mother would not cry like that.

Each day, I want to take time to slow down and realize what is important, and what makes my life special despite the hardships, worries, and concerns. When I wake, I want to have goals in my mind, but not beat myself up if not all goals are completed. I want more than anything to be acknowledged as contributing something, and even if it is not by others, I want to acknowledge my own merit. I accept that this is one of the most difficult challenges I have to face in my life, but I know that my reward at the end is greater and worth fighting for.

I want to thank my husband for his constant support and belief in me. I have been very hard to deal with in the last year because of my emotional instability, but I know he will always be there. I could not be luckier to have someone who puts his hand out and helps show me the way back to the path that I once was on. I know that our kingdom is waiting and that we will find it together, even if it takes longer than we anticipate.

All I've got to be thankful for

In my life I have traveled through a remarkable journey that has left me feeling completely lost in moments, while others I feel uplifted and enlightened. These consistently changing life events have taught me what people desire and how to behave so that society will accept you, even your inner circles. Essentially, I have realized that you can never truly be yourself because of the people you have in your life. This can be at times be a daunting actualization, while other times it provides a sense of security. I know who I am with this group of people so that's okay. One of the major concepts I teach in my courses is the idea of a deviant in the group.  A person who is going to go against the group to provide differing perspective, which in turn can spark a more informed opinion of the situation. I was once that deviant. The person who did not live by stability and I conveyed myself in ways that I wanted. As time progressed and I realized it's not about finding your own happiness, but the happiness of others I shifted my deviant nature. I became a social product and thus the self-loathing began.

When you try to become a product of what is conceptualized ideal you give up so many pieces of yourself that you become an unsolvable puzzle. You question your existence or purpose in the world. You begin to wonder what the greater picture of life is meant to bring. Who am I if I am just producing what others desire? Why can't anyone love me for my interests or my being. Why am I different? People care about themselves and their advancement in life. Whether that be in their careers or hobbies they don't want to wait around for you. If you have concerns or worries in your life they will either change it back to their own worries or concerns, or say it doesn't apply to them so they don't care. I've heard multiple times in my life that people "don't care" or that I am not "sufficient enough." My self production has become a product of others not my own. My own craft and skills have been suppressed so monumentally that I have stopped producing to meet  others needs.

During the process of this suppression I realized that things I once cared about like my health and mental well-being have suffered tremendously. Yet, even when these "important" areas of my life have suffered they are still trivial to others. Broken leg, no company, no help for 3 months straight oh you should be mentally stable still. Production, production, of what others want is the new focus. This has become the main assumption in my mind that I have not eluded to many underlying problems in my life. I realize now that my mother was the one person I felt I could be Alexis around. Perhaps my brother as well, but not that we are apart I'm not sure how to interact as we normally would. It's challenging to understand who I am in the context of life. I feel as though the person is slipping away as I'm not permitted to discuss my deepest and darkest thoughts.

This blog is disjointed, not clear. It lacks the luster that my old blogs have, but alas I feel as though I have lost my voice. One of the greatest gifts I had I feel has been taken. The amount of conversations that allow me to freely express myself are limited. The once gregarious and fearless girl who would consistently express what was in their mind has contained the thoughts internally. These internal thoughts have not been expelled on blogs when vocalization was not possible. They have sat stewing, constantly being silenced. The loneliness and the actualization that you are in fact alone with yourself (if you even know that you are in fact acting as yourself) has become a reality that I am still attempting to get used to. I wish others cared as much as I do and wished to understand the very nature of that person. I do dream of a day where we can look at someone and know what we must do. I can't carry on this blog. The perpetual thoughts of my voice being a captive in my body is too much to bare. I'm not entirely sure if the words I am typing are coming out as I hoped they would.

I'm hopeless, but not quite optimistic.

Can We Go On

Like it once was... Every time I hear a another story of the poor boy lost his head. Everyone feels a little crazy, but they go on living with it. Yeah they go on living with it.

Those lyrics describe my current life state. My ankle seems to have given me troubles since the first break. The pain and issues that have ensued have created more issues than good. Being a broken person makes one realize how truly alone they are. Being crippled for over 2 months I have set at home in pity with nothing but my mind as company. The mind is a powerful, but dangerously beautiful creation. Our thoughts can help us aspire to fulfill our greatest dreams, but they can also become our worst enemies. In my case, my mind has begun to set in the actualization that my mother is in fact gone. My pain that I've experienced has been in complete isolation. While I like to believe that there is good in the world, and that life will get better it appears to have become the opposite. The mind is a most powerful creation.

As I sit in bed reflecting upon my own life I realize the pain and anguish I have tolerated. I say tolerated because most of my life I have accepted the pain for what it was and rather than allowing it to influence my everyday practices I have allowed it to completely consume me. My heart, my mind, my soul has fallen into the black abyss to never be found, or so it seems. My mind allowed my body and my being to slip into one of the deepest depressions I could have never imagined. This was not another story, this was the thematic rendition of my life. The story of my life became some dramatic anomaly that one may conceive to be sheer madness. I haven't been able to write properly since this depression. I have not been able to sleep or eat properly. What I thought I know and what I actually know is a complete blur and it seems my very being has surrendered to the chaos that was slowly closing in on my force field of protection. In a feeble attempt to free my mind of these dark thoughts I asked the person I care most about if he could help me.

Off on an adventure to the nearest coffee shop. A coffee shop so grand that one must pay fees to enter. As we went in to sip on our delicious frozen beverages in the middle of winter we knew we would confront a dark force so powerful and known to defeat armies of men. Depression. Fight it. Depression. Go far far away. I confronted many of my fears today, which was only one conversation of many that will help me get back on the road to being the epitome of what it means to be Alexis Zoe. The hopelessly optimistic girl from Chicago who once dreamed of changing the world. The woman who believed stories could influence and change the very fiber of our beings. The girl who believed that hard work and perseverance would show the world that even underdogs could win major life battles. Conquer, command, fall, depression. Bury your flaws.

It was time that I took the great shovel that I had stored away and dug up my flaws, my fears, the pain. The pain I buried so deep to protect myself and my being. I allowed some of it to be exposed in the middle of that chain coffee shop. It was challenging to discuss what my thoughts were and confront my fears and my deepest demons, but I was finally talking about it. I wasn't faking a smile to impress others by my strength. I wasn't pretending to be something I wasn't. I hurt while I talked, but the pain was therapeutic. My heart felt freed of some, but not all of the significant amount of trauma I experienced. The cheating, lying, insults, being bullied, feelings of insignificance, and inability to accept the harsh realities of my life. Tonight I prayed for the first time in months. I prayed to a g-d I believed had left me long ago and submitted me to a hellish life. As I recover I understand that the amount of pressure, stress, and depression will be there. These are the first steps of recovery. I accept that I may not finish what I need to at the timeline prescribed to me, but that accepting that I do need help and I am experiencing normal emotions will direct me into the correct life path again.

I will end this very disjointed and disconnected journal with the biggest thank you I have to give. Brandon Lee, I love you with all of my being. You have been my knight in shining armor, helping me battle these hellish demonic creatures throughout the years. Never once have you faltered from my side and even when it seems we are losing, you still provide uplifting words to keep me fighting. During the nights I am cold and sick with the disgust from the constant battles you give me your warmth (literally) and most of all you give me the greatest love your heart has to give. I want to thank you for all of your support and help. I could not be the person I am or where I am today if you weren't by my side.

Love always,
Alexis Zoe