I'll undress if you need it, but please don't need it.

If you need it I'll scream out. Weave a secret I will sweep it beneath the carpet. Where you'll keep it, how weak is that? Wish I was worth it to you. Review my wishes for fare weather. Because I know if theres clouds and it rains and snows you won't be there. How weak is that? Wish I was worth it to you. P.S I want to have a sleepover like the image below!

I'm experiencing a kind of indescribable state of being currently. I'm not sure how to contextualize my situation in life right now, but all I can say is that I am living and putting forth my best effort. The more I live the more I have come to learn so many darling things about the world. Working physical labor has not been as terrible as I initially thought it to be. Though I'm still slightly put of telling people that I handle packages I enjoy the job. My coworkers are really what make me enjoy myself. I'm drawn to one person in particular and he always gives me so many wonderful stories. People's personal storybooks are riveting. He disclosed something to me today, which is not internet worthy, during our conversation and paused for a moment after wards.

"I've never told anyone that before," he said with a stunned look on his face.

I didn't want to crack a huge smile as if to mock him so I politely gave a small curl of the lip. He smiled at me and continued on with his conversation. It makes me feel good when people tell me that they never told anyone a piece of information. It's not that I feel special and have learned something nobody else has ever known, but it makes me feel as though I make others feel comfortable around me. The most exciting part of my life has been hearing others narratives and learning and growing from them. So many people have taught me so much about the world I would have never known. Another co-worker of mine began to talk about the lottery. He always encourages me to play, because he says that you never know when your lucky day can be. Then he began to tell me how if he won he'd donate a lot of money and help the poor. It nearly brought me to tears when he was discussing with me how he knows what it's like to struggle. My parents know what it's liek to struggle. I'm learning what it's like to struggle, but still am so much more fortunate than others. He gave a family pieces of clothing for the holidays and it really made me admire him. I have such a sensitive and soft heart that I get touched by moving stories such as these. I suppose that's the cancer element of me :P, but in all seriousness it made me miss helping people.

When I went for my run today I was struggling to go beyond my first mile. My foot was locking up and my body was screaming at me. I began to sing in a very small voice to Gregory and the Hawk and The National to get me through my run. As I ran I began to have thoughts spew left and right, encouraging me to keep going telling me that this year was about greatness. That I needed to help. That's when a woman was talking about an eating disorder on the TV in front of me. Oprah was having some special on eating disorders and I felt the need to do something. I continued to feel my heart pulse faster in my chest and remembered the struggles I've had with my own body image. I watched these women become nearly bones and it dawned on me just how much I can do to help woman be comfortable in their own bodies. I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that. I work on myself and have recently stopped beating myself up. I know that my exterior as well as my interior are beautiful and I know that people do see that beauty. I never was convinced of this until recently, believe it or not. The cocky girl people think me to be is not entirely me, but since I have finally become comfortable with me it's been wonderful. Self love is the most beautiful thing in the world, but so many people struggle to love themselves. They abuse their bodies and I want to stop this.

I also want to run for a cause. I've been saying this for some time now, but have always made excuses or been too "busy" to train. Eventually I would like to run the Chicago Marathon for cancer, but I believe starting with a half marathon may be more wise. Cancer has affected me so much and has become a part of my personal identity. My connection with the disease, as well as with women struggling to find beauty in themselves makes me capable of helping so many others who feel alone. The thought of people having to be alone disturbs me, but in today's society we are so fixated with getting on top and our own self interests that we ignore people's cries for help. If we could all just listen to one persons distress instead of making them feel as though they have no reason to be upset, the world could be a much happier place.

I normally rant about how new years are just a progression of time and are nothing special. I tend to be the debbie downer about some holidays and have always thought the new year to be somewhat silly and just an excuse to get intoxicated. This year I viewed the New Year quite differently. I saw it as most people do. A fresh start. The song The Puppet by Gregory and the Hawk defines who I was last year. I was a puppet to somebody, because of the uncertainty in my own life. I was worried about my jobs, how I'd finish all my school work, getting PhD apps in, and most of all my mother. All of this made me feel as though I couldn't be alone and so I became the puppet. I'm worth so much more than that and what I ultimately want this year is simplicity in complex terms. In other words, I want to enjoy the simple things I once did despite all the complexities life has thrown at me.

My most cherished moments in life are simple. Taking my bicycle out on a cool summer night and riding, looking at the forest and feeling the wind gust in my face. My hair flying all over as I pedal faster and enjoy the thrill of feeling young again. Or taking my bicycle down by the gorgeous lake and riding on the bike trail with the smell of water and blue waves gently pressing against the docks. Taking my darling car out for a stroll in the middle of nowhere midwest and prancing through corn fields, drinking coke out of bottles, and laying down a blanket to watch the stars. Going to a darling park with a picnic basket and some kites. Watch the kites radiant colors stand out against the blue background and eat wine and cheese. Go camping, sit around a campfire making smores and listening to acoustic music. Reading and writing on my balcony, sipping on wine or a hot beverage and looking at the beloved skyline. Enjoy deep conversations with others. Explore the city, thrift shop, antique malls, and best of all drinking a cup of coffee or tea where they brew fresh. :) This is making me incredibly happy, but I know this is where my happiness lies.

Hope you all do what you love in life and never forget you are never alone. Someone will always love you more than you love them.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

Time To Start Over.

It's about 20 minutes before the first day of the New Year has passed. One day down only 364 more days to go before 2012. It's incredible how quickly time passes before us. I still remember prancing around in snow last year in my favorite black top and my black UGG boots. My heart was beating with the sheer excitement that I would potentially be receiving a kiss at midnight. They say that how we celebrate the new year will reflect how we spend the rest of our year. I'm not sure I entirely believe that, but based upon my experience last year it was definitive of how 2010 was. Reflecting back on 2010 I realize how much I changed in one year. In 2010 I was transformed into a person that I hardly recognized. I suppose I had reason to experience the feelings that I did and react in ways that were so irrational. I allowed struggle to take hold of me. I began to define myself through someone else. The person that I longed to be and what I wanted in life altered drastically. I felt compelled to be the perfect girl. At every failed attempt to be the perfect girl I beat myself up. Strength is the core word to describe the person that I am. I find strength in every experience and I never allow people to alter my beliefs.

As a child I was fascinated by my religion. Being Jewish was more than just a religion to me it embodied this concept of strength. My people fought for me, they were tortured, starved, beaten, and lived in scary, inhumane environments. Whenever I felt afraid or as if I did not have strength to carry on I prayed and I remembered all of those brave Jews. I'm tolerant of all religions. I believe that spirituality and your relationship with whatever you believe in is what is important. The second that you falter on what you believe in your heart is the minute you give a piece of yourself away. The most precious part of a person is their heart. The heart feels more than any place on your body. When I am scared, nervous, sad, or extremely excited my heart beats faster than comprehensible. Sometimes this fast tempo rhythm is welcomed like the feeling you get when you kiss someone that your heart has so many feelings for, but other times this rhythm is more of a headache than anything. In other instances are hearts remain calm, relaxed, and passive. When we are content with the day and happy with our lives our hearts run in sync with the rest of our bodies. Sometimes our hearts seem to skip a beat and other times they feel as if they've stopped. We express hurt by saying that our hearts break. My heart was broken this year not just by a man, but by life. This year was a year of self pity, and making excuses and I'm so thrilled to be done with it.

I lost myself. I almost gave away my strength and my relationship with g-d, because I was convinced my heart was in love though it felt otherwise. I convinced myself that my head was doing the thinking even though my soul knew that it wasn't. I sacrificed my best friend and am still struggling to accept that it was my own selfish acts that caused this. Though he is not as present as he once was I believe and know in my heart that he will always be there. I began to dress colorfully, gave up doing things I once enjoyed, and even began to disconnect myself from my friends. I became bitter, angry, and often attacked my friends. When I was feeling down on my luck I'd sit in my room crying alone, wishing that I had someone to tell me it'd be okay. Hoping that I could express myself and so I wrote. My academic work became about me being able to speak of issues I was having in my own personal life and it reflected in my work. It became less academic and more to me blog like. I'm working on correcting that now and know that it is going to take some work, but I realize that life can't be put on hold. I put life on hold last year. I held my breath and let 2010 pass me by in a matter of mere seconds. All of the work, things, and dreams I could have worked towards were diminished. I have begun to pick up the pieces and am determined to put together what was broken.

I began my New Year slightly bitter. I know that this is not the best attitude to have at New Years, but I suppose it is a longing to be with someone and experience the new year with someone. This I have never had and the thought of being lonely at the beginning of another year pulled at my heart strings. After talking with my girlfriends I was determined to turn this attitude around. It wasn't about the boys anymore. This year would not be about looking. This new year would be about me. It would be about me accomplishing all of my dreams and letting everyone know that I am worth so much. This would the year I give myself things, paying off my debt, running again, make agendas, and stop procrastinating. In 2011 the definition of life would not exist through others, but myself. The person I have always wanted to be and who I will continue to strive to be. Going out with my ladies, drinking, and being carefree and young was the most riveting feeling in the entire world. All of us were single and all of us just wanted to have fun with each other. The new year was not about going to some bar and finding some guy who'd kiss any girl willing; rather, it would be about us enjoying each others company and reminding us of who really cares.

Today I wanted to make my day memorable. I got things to organize my room that were vintage and my style. Not the style that people tell me I should have. For a long time I have longed to change how I dressed. I have always dressed to impress. I like being looked at. I love it when men hit on me and call me beautiful. Not only is this an ego boost, but it reminds me of how blessed I am to have exterior looks. Though my good looks and cute style always seems to draw people to me I often get attention for the wrong reasons. It becomes about wanting to get with me. My personality becomes the secondary issue and people don't get to know that beautiful side of me. I'm not just a pretty face, but inside I am gorgeous. I have a heart of gold and am a refreshing young woman who is not the typical. I love long car rides and crying to my darling acoustic music. My heart gets a little happier when I'm baking or cooking and I adore cute little vintage trinkets. When I look at the sky I always see what shapes the clouds make and each day I think about one thing I found beautiful. Here comes the sun is what I wake up to every morning, because it's a beautiful song and it makes me start my day with a smile. I love history, philosophy, pretty much anything that involves deep thought. I feel as though it has become illegal to use our brains and our world is becoming far too digitalized. I adore going to shoot pool or bowl with friends, because it brings back the social aspect to living. Yes, I do drink my PBR in an goblet and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have a sick obsession with books and my nerdy side could stay up all night playing video games. When my heart loves it loves passionately. Any man would be lucky to have the love I have to offer. My favorite days are the simple ones that involve me going to a beach, camping, fishing, or doing something that involves being outdoors. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I dream in vintage. My dreams are big, but my determination is even greater. When I am happiest is when I see others smile or help a friend in need, because I hate that we are surrounded by so many people yet we are so alone.

So where exactly am I going with all of this gibber jabber? Well I was watching Little Fockers tonight (to see if I made it on the big screen!) with my father and had a splendid dinner with my parents. During Little Fockers I found myself tearing up again. Stiller was a family man and the passion and love he had for his family was incredible. It reminded me of my own family and the love my parents have for me. I long for that one day and at times I get completely discouraged. I begin to wonder if good men like my father exist in this world. My friends and mother figures tell me that I am very mature for my age and that I need to find someone with that same passion, determination, and lust for life. I have hope for human-kind, but at times it's hard to believe. People always tell me I'm beautiful and they can't believe nobody has sweeped me off my feet yet. I have learned that patience is the best thing you can do for yourself and satisfaction with being alone. I don't need anyone, but as I progress in life I am a little curious where my partner in crime might me and if he will live up to the man I envision. I don't want prince charming or mr. perfect I want to find my dancing partner :). This year I promised myself I would not make new years resolutions, but I feel compelled to. I feel like I need a definitive set of goals for myself so that I am able to live and fully recover from 2010. And so the list is as follows.

-Maintain a positive outlook. Though I know life can be rough I feel as though this year I was more pessimistic and that is not in my nature.
-Enjoy nature often. I.E. Camping, bike riding, and talking runs.
-Try cafe's instead of just my usual starbucks.
-Bake and cook up storms.
-Eat natural, healthy foods. I used to be a complete health nut and would not eat anything with food addictive. This needs to come back.
-Run often. It's the most liberating and free feeling in the world :) Other than riding my bike of course.
-Put money into my debt. Instead of shopping constantly it's time to pay off loans.
-Go thrifting. Kind of ironic to be below the previous statement, but I love the vintage style and feel that I need to add more of this to my wadrobe.
-Volunteer! It's time that I donate to the poor and go to help more. I used to help girls with eating disorders and who were abused. I feel as though this really helped me in the process of helping them.
-Enjoy Chicago. So often I take for granted living in such an incredible city that people dream of living in. Museums, the lake, just being in the loop is something I plan on doing.
-Work on acting. I have such a passion for acting and I feel as though I've kind of just given it up.
-Travel more (when time and funds permit) I love traveling and intend to make a list of goal places to visit within the next year.
-Take more long car rides. Though gas has become pricey I feel that trips to other areas of the midwest will help me further exercise my mind.
-Have more deep conversations with intelligent people.
-Write every time the opportunity presents itself.
-See more concerts even if it just involves local bands.
-Mange my time more effectively and waste less time on this silly interweb.

So those are just a few of a much longer, more detailed list. I want more than anything to accomplish a lot this year. I feel that this year is going to be different and that it is time to start living again. I feel wonderful today and I know that with work I could make myself even more incredible and most of all be happy. My heart loves being happy and the only way to accomplish this and allow my heart to feel this sensational feeling is to do things that I love and that cause this emotion. I'm going to continue to be who I am and never allow myself to be lost again. I am beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and have so much going for me and I finally feel comfortable with who I am. I have never been more proud of myself or certain that things will only get better from here. Life is only has beautiful and glorious as you make it and it is precious. I love you all I hope you had a wonderful new year <3

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

Dear World.

You perplex me so. The New Year has creeped upon us all again. Part of me is astonished at how quickly time seems to pass as you progress in life. I feel as though soon I will be thirty and indefinitely probably still searching for someone to spend the most frightening years of my life with. For some reason or other when people tell me that I am young I get somewhat defensive. My definition of young is teenager now, though I am not far from "teenage" years I still have surpassed most of the people my age. That being said I feel as though I have aged an extra 10 years placing me more around the age of 32. I am surrounded by older people in nearly all of my everyday interactions, thus I have become more friendly with those who are older than me. I am still far from mature and do act 22 most of the time, but when it comes to aspirations I am beyond most people my age. I long to make something of myself and help shape the world into a better place. Though I have come to accept that world peace is not only not healthy for the world, but also unattainable my goal in life is to make people smile. Everytime I see a sad person in my environment or during interaction I feel compelled to help. I just have these deep, intricate feelings inside of me that make me want to comfort and nurture. I feel as though I understand a lot, because I have experienced a lot and this has made me want to use those experiences to help others see that they can get through them.

I'm proud of myself. This year hasn't been perfect, but if I can say one thing about 2010 it was that I finally realized my self worth. Why? What has changed me so much that has made me respect myself so much more? I used to be one of those girls who was never good enough. I beat myself up more than anyone else in my life, because I had disliking for the person I was. I was never thin enough, smart enough, loving enough, perfect enough. I strived for perfection I gave my heart to anyone willing to take it only causing me more grief in the end. I disrespected myself with late nights of drinking, flirting, and being someone I was not. I put my education on hold for others and let others define me. I hurt myself that was all I was doing to myself. Everytime I spent 2 hours at the gym I beat myself up running over 8 miles just to feel pretty. I'd convince myself that I would never amount to anything. I wrote something wonderful and deleted it embarrassed by my writing deeming myself incapable. I have flaws. I can't be perfect. I'm not made to be perfect, but perfection does not define beauty. 2010 made me realize that I am beautiful and that if I become my own worse enemy I'm only destroying myself. This year I was extremely destructive and I have no one to blame, but myself.

In November when I was out with my family I looked at my life and myself. I realized that I have become so concerned with others I forgot to help myself. When I looked at my wonderful family I realized that they were the ones who really cared, not some boy. When I got a massive amount of texts from friends I abandoned and treated like strangers I saw just how many friends I have that actually care and never abandon me even in my darkest hours. I came to the conclusion that this year and years past I let someone define me. I was controlled. This year has been the greatest blessing despite all of the terrible things that have happened. I have finally become comfortable with who I am. I now know that I am not perfect and that striving for perfection will just be futile attempts at meaningless life. I have learned to say yes to going out with friends instead of locking myself in my room writing. I have explored places that I said I'd never explore. I have found the girl I was so many years ago and am no longer obsessed with being beautiful, because I know that I am. I see the beauty in everything and life has become so much less mundane.

This is the happiest I have been in years. I no longer feel obligated to anything or anyone, but I do feel that I can be the right person for someone. I'm not entirely sure that makes sense so let me elaborate. I believe that I can be a better lover, friend, daughter. I have a greater sense of how precious life is and how the simple things are all you really need. I know that things in life are not certain, but the uncertainty is what makes life so interesting. I want to take long drives like I did so many years in the past enjoying the country side, I want to go downtown to random little neighborhoods and buy myself lose tea and drink coffee in cafes. I want to ride my bike around sunset and take in the world. I want to read books that will change my life and have deep, riveting conversations with people. I want to remember what it means to see the world in color instead of shades of gray. I want to keep fighting for my dreams and stop settling for what's easy and safe. Life is about living courageously and constantly fighting to stay on top. My mom has taught me this fundamental lesson with her own battle. I really do count my blessings now and am so grateful for what I have and do not focus on that which I lack.

It seems so many people let things in life get in the way. If you love someone love them despite what others say. Recognize that they say these things because they love you, but you have to find out for yourself. Don't let material possessions define your life memories are so much more valuable. Don't be afraid to be the person that you are, because there is always somebody who isn't going to like your style or who you are. Never manipulate yourself and accept not everyone is going to fall madly in love with the person that you are. Set goals for yourself and don't accept no for an answer. We are limitless and though our goals may be more difficult to achieve if you don't try you never know what could be. If you want something bad enough fight for it. Love the people in your life as if they will die tomorrow, because you never know when life will be taken from us. Don't focus on the negative and what you don't have and remember what you do have. Negate a negative and turn it into a positive.

Every year I make resolutions. The mundane. I feel compelled to make a list to enable me to have concrete evidence of what I should do. Life isn't about making lists or New Years Resolutions. The resolution you should make to yourself is that you will live more. That you won't limit yourself with definitions of what life should be, but be spontaneous and act with your heart sometimes and not just your mind. May be silly and  irrational, but guess what? You only have one shot at life and ultimately you have to satisfy yourself. At the end if you can't say that you are ready to go and have done everything you wanted then what kind of life did you lead? A miserable one. I'm not ready to be miserable. I want to love, cry, laugh, dance, and write. I want to be myself and not be afraid of that. The world is much bigger than ourselves and much more beautiful. Get out there, be passionate, and stay true to you.

Happy New Year darlings.

<3 always,
Alexis Zoe

What makes you think I enjoy being led to the flood?

Recently I went to Milwaukee and on my trip up there I looked at the lake. The skies were gray, preparing for the eminent snow approaching. The sky was a deep blue and the waves were tremendous.The weekend after I was in Milwaukee I went down to Navy Pier and looked at the lake from a different angle. It was still the same deep, rich blue that it was in Milwaukee but there was something different. The lake almost looked like a sapphire with tiny waves attempting to grow. The sky was still filled with gray clouds, but the skyline made the clouds appear as a backdrop. Lake Michigan is the same in both Milwaukee and Chicago, but the experience is entirely different between the two. Both are beautiful and both are as vast as an ocean. Both remind me how precious life is and how even though we are experiencing things differently from where we are in life we still have this one life. We are presented with the opportunity to live life from different angles and are able to enhance ourselves. On the train ride home today from Wicker Park I did a lot of thinking. I know, I never think this may come as a surprise to you, but in all seriousness I realize how wonderful of a person I am. I now understand what is important to me and I feel as though I have this newfound understanding of myself.

My mother has taught me a lot about myself and has really put into perspective what is important. This holiday season was one of the best. I think I appreciated it a lot more than previous years. It was difficult, because I know my holidays are limited the way they are. I am starting to accept the fact that I'm going to have to deal with the hardest thing in my entire life. I recognize the fact that I will most likely have to deal with it alone and that no one in my life understands what I am going through right now. With all of this being said I have also accepted that I am comfortable with this. I used to really get upset over such petty stuff. Things always got to me and I became so sensitive. As I've lived through a lot these recent months I have learned that I am stronger than I think and that it is okay to cry. I have learned that I am not perfect and it is okay to make mistakes and that beating myself up about it is pointless. Failure is okay and healthy. If we do not fail we do know appreciate what we gain as much and I no longer feel the need to strive for perfection. I'm just Lexy. I'm imperfect, but so is everyone else in the world. Our imperfections separate us from others and can be the most beautiful part of who we are.

I am emotional, but sweet. I procrastinate when I am involved with someone in life and realize that I have to put myself before anyone else, but my family. I am in love with my parents and I don't care who doesn't like them because they are my life. I can be insecure and am constantly trying to improve myself. I think my insecurities are a good thing, because they keep me in check. If I fall in love with someone they become my light. I will treat them like royalty, but if they do my wrong I will never give them a second chance. I am so into anything vintage, because I love the history it holds. Plus I think I look slightly more adorable when incorporating vintage into my wardrobe. My most cherished moments are the spontaneous memories I make with people. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or crazy, just being excited to be alive with someone and enjoying living. I analyze everything in life, not because I'm neurotic, but because I love thinking. The more analysis I do and the more I attempt to understand the better understanding of a person I feel I become. All I want in my life is others happiness, but I have learned that you can't sacrifice your own. My dream in life is to find someone who understands me and wants to adventure and live with me. I have so much life and curiosity and I want to experience the world with someone who can enjoy my tastes. Sometimes I'm not the best friend, but I love my friends more than they could ever imagine.

I am a dreamer. I live big. I believe that we have to fight for what we believe in and always be ourselves. I am starting to be more comfortable with myself and have realized that all the negative that happened in 2010 will be replaced by positive in 2011. I have so many goals for myself and I know that with hard work and more will power I can achieve them. I survived a semester of 2 jobs, work, completing a very very very rough draft of my thesis, and applied to PhD programs. I also was able to travel and see a lot of great sites this year. What does this mean for 2011? More traveling in my future, more writing, more running, more caring about me. This year is for Alexis and will not be lived for someone else. I lived for someone else and I realize how terribly mistaken I was. We so easily forget what's important to us when we get distracted, but I know this year is about sticking to my guns. It's about being who  I am and loving the life I live. This year I pray for my family, the poor people, and the world. I pray for the hundreds of men and women fighting and the women who fall victim to violence. I pray that I will have the strength to better myself and that I will find what I'm searching for when least expected.

I love you all so much. Never forget what is important in life, because that same thing could just as easily be taken from you. Keep my family in your prayers.

Sincerely,
Alexis Zoe

Loving Yourself Isn't Enough.

As most of you know I'm typically skeptical of self help anything. When I see self help books I chuckle at them and youtube channels are no exception either. The reason that the idea of self help gets me so heated is because I believe the only way to really help yourself is to search within yourself. I believe that the only person who can create happiness for you or do whats right for yourself is ultimately you. No persons advice or idea of what happiness and what do for yourself can really define what actions will make you happy. As much as I want to admit I have never read a self help book or watched a youtube channel I can not lie. Recently, I have watched self help channels on weight loss, inspiration, loss, and the like. I suppose what sparked this interest in self help is the idea of narratives behind such topics. After meeting with Professor Kellas and being enlightened on what narrative work is I find myself intrigued by any sort of narrative. Story telling does define who we are. Our stories bring forth a piece of ourselves.

Antishay (I believe this is her username on youtube) described how she always had these coping mechanisms to make herself appear as though she was strong and confident. That she wasn't always being true to herself and often she only had this conception of herself being strong and confident to suppress the vulnerability that existed within herself. When I really thought about the words she was using and explaining how she coped with shopping, food, drinking, and a lust for love I realized that I am similar to her. People see me as a strong individual who is a hard worker. Somebody who laughs in the face of struggle and combats with all force. I do fight and I do believe that I am strong, but I am also venerable. I cry when I write, because of the broken heart I am attempting to heal. I have had this broken heart for years and it has caused me to be a miserable person. If people really see the person I am inside they would not think I was the strong person that I mask myself to be. Goffman believes that we mask ourselves so much that we forget the people we are internally. I believe this is true in many circumstances and especially in mine.

Why do I care? Today I updated my status on how kind deeds seem to get me nowhere that being overtly nice actually left me less appreciated, but why should this matter? Should it not just be for the kindness in itself that makes me satisfied? Why am I searching for acceptance and love from acts of kindness? Have I become the selfish person that I feared so? I now know what I have been doing this entire time. Shopping and buying people things in order to get them to love me. I can not buy love. I can not expect someone to love me because I will do anything for them. They need to love me for the person I am inside not for the person I attempt to perceive myself as. I do not need romantic love to be happy, but I need self satisfaction. I need to allow myself to be vulnerable with others and I need to work on my soothing mechanisms. I shop because I care so much about my beauty. I have countless amounts of clothing, make up, and even cutesy things to decorate my room. My closest and drawers are full of materials that really are not necessary. Once I run out of what I need I will consume more product, but right now I have an excess of product exposing my need to fill a void within myself. Food has always been an issue for me. I struggled with my weight my entire life. When I lost nearly 100 lbs after high school I gave excuses to stay at the same weight. I'd workout, but wouldn't eat properly or eat properly and not workout. There needs to be a healthy combination of both and I need to be serious about this. My friends notice this correlation with me and dating. It's not difficult for me to find someone and this becomes a problem. I jump into relationships, rush them, don't enjoy being with myself. When we enter a relationship we have to put effort into not only ourselves, but the other person. I desire love so much that I would sacrifice parts of myself in order for them to be happy or what I believe will make them happy. I put up with abusive behaviors and become extremely needy. I believe my desire to have someone stems from my need to feel accepted. I always want to be perfect, the best person that I can be. I can't be the best person I am if I can't be happy alone with myself.

Instead of being depressed about being single again I am actually kind of happy it happened. My guy friends have been attempting to "get" me since I have become single. I have denied instead of jumping and I could not be any more proud of myself. I am taking this situation and looking back at all I've done wrong and what I need to be happy in the future. I need to work on myself and learn to be happy alone for a while. I can't lie to myself and convince myself that I am happy in a relationship. I can't force love or force someone else to love me. When love is meant to come it will and I will know that the person is right for me. Right now I'm not sure any of my prospects are right for me and honestly I want to focus on me. My mother is ill, I have goals I want to accomplish, and I may even be leaving this state within the next year. Traveling to San Fran also helped me realize a lot of this. My conversations were surrounded by the same old things, but when I talked research or talked about interests that I had I felt so much more alive. Instead of going to my room and crying myself to sleep I went out with friends and enjoyed my young life.

I realize that I substitute a lot in order to give off this radiance of happiness that doesn't quite exist within my life. I now am cognizant of the fact that I need to make changes in my life in order to be the happy person I have convinced myself that I am. We have to believe that we are capable of altering our lives when we see problems that have arose and stick with these goals we set for ourselves. There is only so long you can mask yourself before you become invisible to being the person you really are beneath the mask. I'm ready to be me. Below I have listed a bunch of goals for myself and I intend to complete them. There is no set time line just a acknowledgment that they will be completed and trusting myself in that.

1. My room has been a disaster zone for far too long. I do work two jobs and am a full time student, but when we live in a mess our lives become a mess. I have way too many material possessions and have too many excuses for why I can't clean it. The real reason is I'm too busy on my little social networking site and push important things. So it is my intention to go through this entire room. Donate some possessions to good will, and just keep it neat. Organization is important to having an organized life and I believe this will be the first step to getting where I need to be.

2. Writing is a huge part of who I am and has shaped me in many ways. It has been my release and it has been my strength. When I felt alone and as though nobody else could understand me I have written for clarity. I have since lost the desire to write in the same way that I once did and realize that this is problematic. I am in the process of revamping parts of my thesis and am loving the process. I had forgotten my deep passion for writing and know now that I must DO instead of SAY. I often say that I can write and finish novels, research, etc..., but I never DO. I am determined to complete lots of work this year and write thousands of wonderful pages. Not just mediocre work either actually fundamentally relative and beautiful work.

3. Shopping is something I never think of as a problem, but now that I see my bank account and all of the silly things I have I realize how detrimental my shopping habits have been. I should be focused on paying off my debts and being debt free yet I feel compelled to buy shiny pretty things. It's okay to shop every once in a while, but I realize that I have overstocked on things I just don't need. I am not to buy any lotions, candles, cloths, shoes, or trinkets until I have beaten all of the things I have bought to death and they are no longer plausible to keep and can be donated.

4. Being single. This one may seem trivial, but unless I find someone who completely wows me and I feel is the right person to make me happy and is on the same page as me I intend to stay single. Being single is not as terrible as people make it to be. I don't need attention nor do I need to be committed to anything except for my work in goals in life. When it's right for me to be with somebody I will know, but for now I have let go on that desire for love and questioning whether I am good enough. I am good enough I just need to find somebody who is good enough for me and that doesn't happen overnight. I'm prepared to wait and in the mean time I need to get my life on track and be where I want to be. If I'm not satisified with my life I can't possibly make another person happy.

5. Weight loss. I have struggled for this for so long and in this last year I have gotten so overweight. I could blame it on eating meat again and allowing myself to indulge in fast food. I could blame it on the fact that my most recent boyfriend never made me feel as though I was fat or not good enough. I can't blame anyone but myself ultimately. If I wanted to be thin I would be thin. I know I have what it takes to lose lots of weight (I've already done it once), but I need to do it healthy and work at it. I can't lose the 50 lbs I'd like to lose overnight. It could take a year or two from now before I get to my goal weight, but I know I need to set that and work at it. I'm pretty good about exercise (up until my recent injury), but I need to try to get there everyday even if it's pilates for 20 minutes. Any little bit is better than nothing.

6. Learning how to be nice and respect people. Sometimes I get caught up in my own selfish ways and want more than anything to be paid attention to. I allow people's unkind words to get me to me more than they should and I realize that if someone wants to treat me unkindly then that is their decisions. I need to be happy with myself enough to be able to see that they are wrong. I need to stop being so concerned with being judged because the people who are worth my time are the people who are going to accept me for who I am. If I put as much effort as I do feeling bad about others words into helping friends and others then I would be so much better off and happier. Helping others is truly my passion in life and I need to focus all the negative on that.

7. Learning to live the way that I want to live and not listening to others. I listen to my parents so much that I often limit myself as far as things I want to do in life. I will stay in because I feel obligated to be a good daughter, but I also need to balance my social life with pleasing my parents as well. I'm a busy girl, but I also need to live. Traveling has given me a new idea of what living is. Experiencing things that I can no experience on a day to day basis. The ability to see different cultures and get a better understanding of the world that I am living in. There is more than just Chicago Illinois and I'm starting to see how much more is out there for me to see.

Those are the basic things that I'm wanting to alter right now in my life. I also feel that I need to be more confident in my intelligence and where I am in my life. I have to be okay with failing because it's not really failing. Failing is for people who learn nothing from their experiences in life. Every experience has shaped me into the person that I am. I am grateful for all of the pain, happiness, sadness, joy, and confusion that has occurred in my life. I love all of the people who have come into my life because they came for a reason. They taught me something about myself I would have never learned otherwise whether the outcome was a good or bad one. I can not even begin to express how wonderful it feels to finally think about life in this fashion. We can't live in failure and constant self pity. The past is the past it is just a memory of nothingness. It has come and taught us what was needed and is gone and never to return. Our future is what we would like of ourselves, but we can't predict it. We can't live in the future or the past we have to live in the present. The present is all we can be certain of. We will make mistakes, we will grow, we will fall, but we need to keep going and keep living for everyday. Not everyday will be perfect, but not everyday will be miserable either. We can shape our lives into what we want them to be and nobody can ever rob us of that. We can be who we want to be I know who I want to be and I am going to work very hard at being that person. I trust in the lords plan for me and I believe that all I have done in my life will not be forgotten. My heart and head are in the right place and I am prepared to make changes in order to improve that.

<3 always,
Conceptual Lexy

Fear

It seems that when we conceptualize fear we believe fear to be something that scares us. When we attempt to understand what scares us we look at the fundamental basics such as spiders, dark, being alone; but what we must recognize is that fear is essentially not the item that scares us. It is much deeper and darker than simply an object. Fear is something that we do not know about that we are uncertain of. Uncertainty is quite the tool to leave us sobbing alone in our rooms, locking our doors, and questioning our lives. I do not attest that questioning your life is not a healthy, nor do I believe it is a bad thing to sob alone in your room on occasions; however, I believe that many of us allow fear to drive our lives. It becomes a way of life and we become uncertain about not just the objects that we are afraid of, but we become uncertain about ourselves. When uncertainty controls the epitome of who we are problems arise quite abruptly whether we deny them or recognize them. The other day when I was sobbing in my car in tremendous pain I began to question my life. I became, for the first time, understanding that I had uncertainty built up within myself. I convinced myself for over a year that I was certain about everything in my life. That I was sure everything was going according to plan and that things were perfect. Nothing could in a sense touch me, because I was untouchable. Yet I was not the happiest person I cried a lot alone in my room. From time to time it's okay to cry in your room, but to cry all the time presents red flags of problem.

I began to blast my music and sit in the parking lot for a while just until I was stable enough to drive myself to the doctors. I thought about my emotional pain that I have been going through this past year. I thought about why I got hurt at work in the first place. I thought about crying in front of my co-workers and the feeling of being weak A feeling I always dismiss. My thoughts went to academics and the passion I have for them, but the uncertainty of my capabilities. Then I began to understand my life has been one large uncertain piece of art that nobody can quite figure out. I am not understood. Perhaps that's what makes me so beautiful, but so forgettable. I am not concrete, but abstract and when people get tired of trying to figure me out I lose visitors. I don't want to change who I am, because I think that my uniqueness brings something to the world whether it be good or bad I'm not quite sure yet, but I like to believe that my encounters with people are positive ones. I know now what I have been doing to myself that has built up all this fear and uncertainty.  I have depended too heavily on others and not taken time to step back and care for my own well being. I have surrounded myself with people whether it be relationships, friendships, or co-workers that I have forgotten to give myself proper attention.

Attention from others is required to have a healthy life, but there needs to be a degree of self independence. I am capable of writing and I know that now. Though I'm not an ingenious scholar quite yet I am a good writer. People who read my work compliment me (and the ultimate test is my mother who is brutally honest, she too thinks I was meant to write). If I set goals for myself I know I can get to where I need to be, because I have done it before. I was so busy worrying about others that I had forgotten how important my writing was and how critical it was for my academic endeavors. I let myself slip by graduate school this semester. I was no proactive about my graduate school pursuits and I just hope that what I have to offer is enough to get me to where I need to be. If not then I know I will try again and continue on doing something else. Things will fall into place for me it just requires time and dedication. Dedication is something that runs through my veins and I am a highly motivated person. I want to get places and I will do whatever it takes to get there. I know I am young and I know that I have ages to do what I love, but if I know and I feel it's right in my heart why wouldn't I put my 100% towards it? I am not a quitter and I refuse to ever give up on anything. I'm a fighter and a hard worker and I am proud of my work ethic.

I recognize that there are things beyond my control in life right now. My mother is a beautiful, strong, and loving person who is going through something I can't even fathom going through. She fights for us and she gives me courage and hope. I know my mothers illness is not easy to deal with and I appreciate all of the people who surround me in an attempt to make me feel better. I do feel loved and that love gives me enough umph I need to get through my down times. I know though that my mothers illness has taught me something about my life. I appreciate life a lot more now, because I know how easily someone you love can go from bubbly and full of life to depressed and not the woman you remember. We have to be grateful for the people who we have in our lives that love us and hold onto those people. The people who don't care and don't love us are not worth our pain, time, or energy. We need to put everything into those we know love us and who will always be there. I have such great friends and family. My guy friends have reminded me that I am beautiful and I know that I am. My friends remind me of how much fun I am and how crazy. I'm not everybody you'll ever meet, but who wants conformity? I'm comfortable with myself and to be able to say that and act on it is the best thing you can do for yourself. My family shows me everyday what true love is and I deserve their love and want to give them all of mine. My mom's illness has brought great pain into my life a new found pain I didn't seem could exist. Worse than any heartache or hurt back, but I know that it has made me grow into a beautiful, appreciative person.

It's crazy to think that tomorrow morning I will be on a plane going to San Francisco. I'm super excited to get out of town and just have some "me" time though I will be around a lot of other brilliant people. I am going to explore a place I have had a huge desire to visit and eat seafood. I'm going to present about the work I am so passionate about and be able to share that with others. I feel wonderful when I present. I get somewhat nervous, but at the same time it brings such joy to me. Not many people want to hear about my research, because well it's kind of nerdy for others to have to be bored through. I acknowledge the fact that not everyone is going to be interested in my nerdy school endeavors, but the people who understand me and are there make all my research worth it and I love conferences. I can't wait to see the golden gate bridges, the cute houses, and take a trolly around town. Who knows maybe I'll even buy myself something pretty if I find it. With that being said I really must get to packing and cleaning so I come to a home that is not chaos and so that I can begin getting what I need to be done finished. Love you all and never be ashamed of the person you are, because you are the most beautiful person you know. <3

Always,
Alexis Zoe

My Life as a Horror Movie

If the title doesn't intrigue my readers I hope that this blog will somewhat intrigue you. The analogy of my life being very similar to a horror movie initially may seem to be a negative one. Though horror flicks can be quite disturbing and plot lines seem to cease to exist; last night, after seeing Saw I could relate this film to my life a lot. This comparison actually nearly brought me to tears in the theater, but because I was with my friend I held back not wanting to frighten her or or leave her never wanting to see another film with me. The movie consisted of a not so real survivor who attempted to turn these torture events into something positive. He attempted to make people see the light of jigsaws game and described scars and pain as never really going away, but exposing the courage these people had and the new appreciation for life. It was an experience that allowed you to be reborn. Though I have not been tortured or been in one of jigsaws games I think I have experienced events that really have taught me that pain and scars can actually have a somewhat positive effect despite being hard to ignore and disregard.

It's easy to be angered and upset about your problems. One of the survivors in the movie felt bitterness and said that nothing could come out of something so terrible happening to someone. I felt that for a long time "how could I possibly enjoy my life or believe that the lord loves me when he's given me so much pain and taken so much from me." Self pity is one of the worst places to be and in hard times we can't just survive and accept that life is bad and it is happening to us. We have to survive with intention and purpose. We must go on and combat hard times by sacrificing our lives to our loved ones and never surrendering what we believe is right in our hearts. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are at your lowest of lows. I forget that many times and when I do cry and break down people often are unsure of how to help, because they are not used to me being like this.

I do attempt to keep a positive attitude with everything in life and I want more than anything to be happy. I know that happiness does not come with each day and that some days we are miserable. I know that we do have let downs, but that sometimes we have the most wonderful days. Sometimes we forget the good days when we have the most miserable, but talking with friends and thinking about the person I am and thinking about the relationships I have in my life both spiritually and physically are what keep me above dark waters. Tonight I felt a lot of self loathing and questioning. I often questions myself in not so good situations, attempting to reevaluate what I am doing wrong. In the process I have come to realize that I actually degrade and disrespect myself. I need to remember that though I am human and I make mistakes that I am a good hearted person and that I have good intentions. I want those I love and are dear to me in life to be happy even before myself. I realized tonight that I have to learn to love myself and stop blaming myself for everything, because life happens. We can't blame ourselves for every situation in our life that is negative nor can we allow it to consume who we are. We have to remember what the lord has blessed us with and accept that it is okay to cry and be upset, but that we have to persevere and trust that everything will essentially be okay.

I am going to San Francisco in a week to do something that I am in love with. I could not ask for a better place to be and am looking forward to having a mini vacation that I much need. I work hard and I need to work hard for myself and take a look at why I do what I do. My friend called tonight to ask about a prospective male she would like to be with. I felt like crying and was upset, but instead I gave her the advice she needed. I told her to not have high expectations and just be herself. That we can no define ourselves by someone else otherwise we will lose everything in the end. We ultimately must live for ourselves until we begin a family and even then we must do things that make us happy and keep us satisfied in our lives. I love academics and I love being able to express my issues with social problems that seem to continue to plague us. I love helping girls suffering from eating disorders or abuse because I feel that I am capable and want them to have a shoulder to always lean on. I love being in nature and camping and being one with this incredible world we have been blessed with. I'm a creative I love creating things and acting. I'm a worker and driven I work hard to get places because I want to make something of myself not just for monetary rewards, but because I worked hard to get where I did. I want to go out with friends and hang out with my family because I realize how important it is to surround yourself with people who truly love and care about you.

My life is not easy, but I know it's not intended to be and that we are never given problems that we can not handle. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but you have to attempt to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Each experience we have whether it be good or bad is meant to teach us something deeper and more profound about ourselves. We are capable of enduring more than we believe ourselves to be capable the only thing you need is hope and trust in your future. I know I'm not going to be myself for a while and will struggle, but struggle is the beautiful part of life. It doesn't seem so at the time, but as we continue on we remember how strong we are. I think strength is admirable and respect for yourself. I love you all and feel really blessed and grateful to have you all as a part of my life. Always remember who loves you and hold onto those people and treat them well, because you never know when they will be gone whether they leave, stop speaking with you, or pass away :(. Have a wonderful, happy, and fun filled life and never be afraid to be who you are. If people don't like the person that you are then they are not worth your time or effort. Be good to those you love always and never forget what is dear to your heart.

<3
Alexis Zoe