Learning to be Grateful

Firstly, I very rarely blog much less write creatively or from my own inner workings of my mind these days. I find myself bombarded with an endless slew of responsibilities pulling me in nearly all directions. Finding time to just explore my creative side has proved to be a challenge throughout the years. There are moments I truly miss allowing my fingers to simply type my thoughts as quickly and accurately as possible. I felt as though I needed to write a blog just because I've gone through quite a bit the last few months and in this moment I experienced an "ah-ha" moment. A moment which presented complete clarity within my mind. I have not yet experienced something anything quite like it. Perhaps, since I am getting older, I'm learning and growing from experiences that in the past would have completely broken every fiber of my being.

As some of you may know, I lost my dear hedgehog Shaymin a day before my 30th birthday. I wanted a hedgehog most of my life and have always had an affinity for exotic animals. My heart was pained and plagued with the ever familiar "what ifs" that come after loss. I've experienced these what ifs with pets and people having had to deal with a tremendous amount of loss and grief despite my age. However, while I'm still learning to navigate my feelings tonight I had a deep and compelling feeling. I felt, for a moment, that I would be okay. That the world was not caving in around me and that moving forward the world and my life would be alright.

This moment came as I was grading and reflecting on my life. I realized how blessed I actually am

despite my loss. The losses I've dealt with have made me the person I am today. The person that has been gifted the ability to provide empathy in a world that seems cold. I have become somebody who is able to openly discuss my own issues with mental health, loss, and grief creating a safe space for others to shared their own difficult narratives. And while I long for my mothers advice and another hug, while I desire just a moment to talk to my brother again, and while I want more then anything to cuddle my little animals that I've lost I feel lucky for what the losses have taught. I also am eternally grateful for what I did have and what I still have.

First and foremost I met a man who does more for me then I really deserve. He has been my life partner for the majority of the most painful experiences of my life (minus all the awful relationships I was in before of course) and who I feel I can trust and depend on with anything that comes my way. Not many people find a love as deep as we have. So many friends and people we know seem as though they just sort of settled for one another. They don't have the oh so elusive spark that seems to ignite between those who are passionately in love. We genuinely just enjoy being together doing anything. We still have our date nights. Each day we wake up with hugs and love and we fall asleep in a similar manner. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I know that I am lucky. Not many get to experience such a deep connection to another person.

I am grateful for my family that are both still with us and who have passed. I know many families that are wonderful, but I have also been witness to those who are not as picture perfect. My family was not perfect, but they taught me lessons, supported me, and loved me through so much. My mother taught me kindness and to be selfless. I find myself enacting similar behaviors as she did just to let others know I care. Each time I do something like her I feel that I am still connected with her soul even though she is not here. I know that she taught me to be the person I am and to do nice things for others to just brighten their day. She understood me and loved me on a level that many children never get to experience. Even though I lost her young (22) I am blessed to have had that time with the most incredible mother on this planet. I also have a dad who has taught me to work hard, never let life knock you out of the game, and to dream. My mom brought us back to reality, but my dad always encouraged me to take risks and continue to dream. There are so many more dreams I want to pursue and the dreams I have I wouldn't have had the courage to without his guidance. He has always been my best friend. He has been the man I could just call and tell anything. I love him so much and even though my mom is gone he has tried to pick up some of those pieces that were broken with that loss. I also have 3 amazing siblings. Growing up I was the jealous kid. I wanted all the attention I couldn't understand sharing. However, I'm grateful I have my sister and brother and miss Jay terribly. They all have done different things to shape me into the person I am today. My sister has really stepped in and been a mother figure to me, but also a best friend. She encourages me to be a better version of myself. My brother has been my best friend since day well whatever 2 years is. He and I have an unbreakable bond. I know that he always will have my back no matter what. When nobody wanted to be my friend and I was bullied he was right by my side including me in all his plans. He didn't mind his uncool older sister hanging out with him. He truly saved my life, he cared about my dark issues, and he made me feel loved when I felt ugly and worthless. He will never know what that meant to me and still does. Finally, my older brother and I shared a love of rock and he made me a tape with his band because he knew I wanted to be in a band, but again uncool and nobody wanted to be in a band with me. He fulfilled a dream I was never able to accomplish and brought me immeasurable joy. All of these individuals have come to visit me nearly every year I've been gone from Chicago (7 years now) and have always put an effort into me.

I've realized you need to put effort into people who put effort into you. I'm starting to shake my life of the toxic people and live a life I want to live. I'm learning that it is okay to talk about problems when you need to. I am just so grateful to be alive, in overall good health considering my chronic stuff and disability, and for what I do have. We so often focus on the negative that we almost forget the positives in our lives. We forget the good memories, the better days, and what we still do have. I suppose this was prompted from my experience of grief this time around. I didn't have Shaymin for long, but I did have. He brought me so much joy. He made me a hog mom. He connected me with a community of people who are just as "weird" as my dad would say as me. He fulfilled a small dream and added a positive part of my heart. I wouldn't be the same person without him, my mom, my dad, my husband, my siblings, my other pets, my friends, or any of the other amazing people I've had the opportunity to meet through my career, life, and experiences. Hug your loved ones, be kind, provide empathy, and remember tomorrow is not promised. Appreciate what you have today, because you may not have it tomorrow <3 .="" nbsp="" p="">

Missing Mom

I'm missing you Mom.
The way your hair always seemed perfect.
How you always had the best advice.
The thoughtfulness and kindness you instilled in your everyday life.
I'm missing you Mom.
All the late nights I spend up crying wishing I could call you.
The pain and agony I experience in every memorable moment.
Knowing that you will never be a part of it.
I'm missing you Mom.
Wishing that you could still be a part of my life.
And see all I've done getting married, graduating, and building a home.
Now you are gone and I just feel so alone.
I'm missing you Mom.
Now and forever.
Things will never be the same without you.
And when I miss you I feel so blue.

I find that major life events, whether they are mine or my families, send me spiraling into the dark feelings I try so hard to suppress in my daily life. Faking a smile has come so second nature to me that I can be smiling, but feel like I've hit rock bottom all in one sitting. The word family has really began to strike my heart. When I speak the word, hear it, think about it I'm reminded that my family is forever changed due to the tremendous losses we've experienced. What once was is no longer. The dynamics have shifted. My life has shifted. I know that as we grow older we drift a bit from family, but I never thought that I would be at a place so young were family would be gone.

I've been dreaming of my Mother nearly every night since my Septoplasty surgery. She comes to me in a variety of ways. When she visits she's alive and it's as if she actually is. My mind almost convinces me that she has not passed. The dream feels so real, like she is there. Then my mind begins to process and changes the dream. I dream of her dying. Sometime it's the same way I saw her pass and other times it happens in a different way. Either way it's like my mind is trying to remind me that she isn't here, never will be, and I will never actually see her again, only in my dreams. My overly logical brain even has to remind me she is gone and take her from me.

It's hard to tell people how I feel, because most will just relate it back to their lived experiences. However, I lost my Mom at 22. That in itself is an unique experience. There are some that lost their mothers younger than me. Others that were at my age, but the majority of people I've talked to lost their parents a lot older. When they had been married or had kids. My Mother never and will never have an opportunity to see that side of my life. In a way I want to shout at them and say "you don't know how I feel. Your experience is not mine." There are times I want to tell them they should just be grateful that they had their parent for the time they did and their parent saw things that mine will never see. The communicator in me bites my tongue. "Don't be so insensitive" I tell myself as I let the rage inside me boil. So I suppress and smile until I end up in complete darkness. An eclipse inside of my mind. A dark period that struggles to let in daylight.

I know I was lucky to have the Mother that I did. I've never met a woman so supportive, kind, caring, and selfless as my Mother. Seeing other people's experiences and realizing what I had makes me feel lucky. However, because I know how incredibly my Mother I'm constantly effected by that loss. I teach the way I do, behave the way I do, try to be thoughtful the way that I am to show the world the incredible person my Mom was. By knowing me I hope that people can see her. I know that she lives in me. I miss you Mom. I love you.

Those who need it most are often left ignored

As someone who is constantly working toward understanding others, making sense of lived experiences, and getting a sense of peoples stories I have become exceptionally observant over time. I look for patterns in the most mundane of experiences, because they are there, and they speak volumes. Perhaps the most interesting and terrifying patterns I've observed is the reaction many have to those who are suffering from a mental illness or even a terminal disease. People begin to slowly disconnect themselves from those individuals. A person who once got "liked" on social media, or called on a regular basis suddenly becomes a ghost. And in my experience and observations, those who become these "ghosts" and are now ignored for their pain (whether that be physical or emotional) are often the ones who need the attention and comfort the most. Yet we stray away.

I have come to understand why this happens with terminal illness. When someone is terminally ill, many people begin to grieve before the loss. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. Additionally, hope begins to transition to something else. This leaves the person on the other end of a normal conversation left with nothing to say. I also feel that sometimes, witnessing death, makes us actualize our own mortality. Mortality is often not thought about, because lets face it, many of us fear death. However, in these last moments, the last memories, should we not try to make them special for the person dying? There are moments I recall my mother and my last memories together. Sometimes, I have trouble recalling them because I was working 2 jobs and going to graduate school. I was "too busy" to see what was right in front of me. My own mothers mortality. I remember that my mom began to give me a lot of advice in those last few weeks. To this day, I still cherish that advice. However, I pause and begin to wonder what advice I gave her? What conversations did I have to comfort her? It is hard to recall any. The one thing I do recall was that she was strong for us. She was more concerned with how we would survive after this loss. "What will the kids do?" "You have to make sure my kids are okay". It baffles me that someone who is in the last moments of their life cares not about themselves, but those "surviving". What could I have said to her though? I think about this often. How can I learn from my own experience and help those in their last moments together. I think most people feel some degree of guilt regardless of the situation, but when you have that opportunity to say goodbye, how can we? My mom was scared, she did need us. I witnessed so many ignorant people staring at her in a wheel chair. There were days I wanted to yell at those people.

Which brings me to my next point, more wanting to scream and yell. Mental illness is viewed so negatively in society. Reading comments or just seeing reactions of people following the death of someone who did so much for me emotionally over the years is just revolting. It makes me lose faith in people. I have said it once, and I'll say it a million more times. People who commit suicide are NOT cowards. Imagine, for a moment, that you had to take your own life, would it be easy? That is not an easy way out. Often, those who take their life, have dealt with years of emotional pain. The pain becomes so difficult that it consumes that person. Much like illness, people begin to avoid you if you have a mental illness or depressed. However, it is not because it forces us to face our mortality. If we are not depressed, or have not experienced similar pain, we just assume that mental illness can be "fixed". It becomes something that is not an illness at all, but rather self inflicted pain. Each person experiences pain differently. If you are happy, or even in your worst moment couldn't imagine taking your life, don't assume that everyone should feel the same as you. I am an open person about depression, because so few people are. I can guarantee few people will react to this blog just as few people react to posts I make about depression. We always like the "happy" (literally on social media and in our lives). We always want to talk about the "good moments of life". However, those happy moments are often overshadowed by the bad. We've been trained to almost push away any of the bad, but that is not realistic. The biggest issues with humanity today is the lack of empathy for others, selfishness, cruelty, and ignorance. So many people are entitled, thinking that they "know everything" when really, they know nothing. Their beliefs overpower their ability to think critically and as a result they attack. They belittle to get their point across. They call names to feel superior. It has become increasingly more difficult to have a civil conversation with people about many topics these days. I have said this once, I will say it hundreds of times.

Think about it for a moment, when was the last time you had a bad day? How many people did you feel comfortable talking about that bad day? If you did talk about that bad day, how many people offered advice on how you can "fix" that bad day? How many people just allowed you to explore your feelings? How many people told you I just want to be here to listen to you? How many people took more then a few moments to just hear you out? Who told you, I'm sorry that sucks and then just ignored you? In my opinion, we need to encourage people to share their emotions. We need to train people to provide empathetic responses. Instead of just saying "we care" we should actually enact it and show it. I've spent hours in my office just listening to anyone who needs to be listened to. Since the death of Chester, I have went online and offered a listening to shoulder, for anyone who feels they are alone or misunderstood about this loss. For years, I volunteered for a help desk and online forums to help those dealing with eating disorders, abuse, and self-harm. Why? Where most people would not want to deal with that, or have "better things to do" I thought about how alone those individuals most feel. I felt their pain. I wanted more then anything to try my best to alleviate their pain, even if only for a moment. I wanted to show them a basic premise, something so many of us forget to enact, kindness.

I encourage each of you to stop just paying attention to the "good stuff". Stop filtering out the bad. Take a moment in your day, if someone posts something sad, to say something kind. You never know how one simple comment can change someones day for the better. You don't know what 30 minutes to an hour of your time just listening to someone can do for their mental health. There is someone I helped for years I lost, and I think what I could have done more to help them. I mentored them online on the helpdesk. I was personally thanked by a family member of theirs for all my help and how I changed her life. I now recognize that sometimes we lose the battle with our mental illness, regardless of the help we receive. We are all busy, we all have our own struggles, but there are people out there who really need someone. Don't ignore the signs. Don't assume someone's pain can just be fixed. Educate yourself and think about your words and what they can do to someone.

Coping with Loss

DISCLAIMER TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains information about depression and suicide that may trigger those with mental health conditions. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.

I am writing this blog as to not burden all those on my Facebook page with my ramblings. This blog also contains sensitive information that I rarely like to discuss so please if you will pass judgement on me based on what I have to say discontinue reading. It's difficult to see any optimism when life seems to beat you down so much. When so much of what you love and cherish is ripped from you in a moments notice. I am aware we all deal with a significant loss in our lives at some point, but no loss is the same. Any moment I mention my pain it always seems redirected, and I am left feeling forgotten. My pain almost doesn't seem tangible. I have always been the one to comfort. When I comfort I feel good, but I also desire to be comforted.

If anyone knows me they know I've been a fan of Linkin Park for nearly 20 years. There was only 10 years of my life without Linkin Park in it. They helped me through times when I didn't think I'd make it through life, when I was bullied, called fat, whale, pushed into lockers, brought into chat rooms to be harassed. There were days starting in middle school I didn't want to go. I stopped wearing my favorite color, purple, for years because someone asked me if I was wearing purple because I was round like a grape. I became self destructive at an early age. I suffered from an mental disorder (I do not wish to share about because I am ashamed) that dealt with self image for all of high school and undergrad. I engaged in other self destructive behavior. I was crying for help and nobody answered. Nobody understood. Everyone thought my life was perfect and I didn't have a right to feel the pain that I felt. My only saving grace during that stage of my life was Linkin Park. I could feel the emotion in their music, I felt like they were the only ones in the world to understand my pain. On days I felt like I was living in complete hell I would scream the lyrics to crawling at the top of my lungs. It made me feel free. It made me feel less numb.

On top of being bullied I dated abusive men, because I was convinced I had no self worth. That I was an idiot, ugly, undesirable, disgusting, etc. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something, but as my boyfriends said,  I was just as worthless as I thought and I began to believe that. I constantly tried to be better to prove that I wasn't worthless. To prove that I could do great things. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried it was never enough. It got to the point where I expected to be cheated on because of how horrible I was. I remember finding out that one of my boyfriends cheated on me and he was staying at my house. He said he'd leave, but I said it was late and he could stay. I went to the family room with my headphones, blasted Linkin Park, and cried all night. My body, my mind, everything was in physical pain. That night I wrote and listened to Linkin Park to get me through. I listened, I wrote, so that I would not be self destructive.

People think if you self harm, have an eating disorder, are depressed, or have another mental condition that you did it yourself. I can't tell you how many people told me that I was the source of my problem. That I should just be "happy" and that I was "lucky" to have the life I had. Reading some of the comments upon the death of Chester Bennington I see the same sort of dismissive behavior "He had it all", "If he died then I'm screwed", "Coward", "Selfish". There are a lot of great supportive comments, but it's those dismissive comments that are the problem and why so many silence themselves when they are feeling so low. The "it could always be worse" guilt trip. The "your life isn't half bad". Or perhaps one of the worst is the "Well this happened to me, and I have it worse" comments. No two people cope with or deal with pain the same way. I volunteered hundreds of hours to a free help site in high school and college. I mentored young men and women struggling with sexual abuse, physical abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. I can tell you from talking to all those individuals not a single one of them had the same experience. Yes, there were patterns, but many dealt with it in some unique way. To try and compare your experience to everyone else's is so flawed beyond belief. I can't tell you how many times I've said my mom or brother died and someone went right into their own experience. I was 22 when I lost my mom. You were 45. Yes the pain is still bad, but there is no way our experience is the same with that big of an age gap. Even if there wasn't a huge age gap, the experience was still unique. I understand trying to relate, but maybe if we just listened instead of trying to relate it would make more of a difference. It's what I try to do if someone comes to me. Just listen. Because so many of us fail to do so.

Everyday is a new day for me with my own experiences of depression. As a professional, I don't feel like I can talk about half the stuff I would hope to share in fear of being judged. I also view it as my responsibility to educate people about these issues that are so often not talked about. I often find myself torn between wanting to share my emotions, feelings, and experiences so that others feel less alone. However, I also silence myself and don't share a lot in fear of judgement. It's a painful dichotomy to be trapped in. So I find most days I fake a smile. I overextend and work myself to forget that I'm even really living. I figure if I am too busy to think, then I won't feel depression.

Chester's passing has triggered a pain I have pushed down further and further since my brother died. Just like my brothers death triggered a pain I pushed down with the loss of my mom. I push these feelings so far that I have periods where I'm not sure how to function. This band, the band that got me, the band that helped me through so much pain..... will never be the same if they even continue to make music. I am not this fanatical usually, but this is different. As I write this I listen to them and I am pained to know that the one group that made it better for me is dealing with this loss. Depression is no joke. Pain is no joke. So many people turn away in fear and are not sure how to respond to someone who is depressed. This is why we need more programs, more education, and more research on suicide. So that we can be better equipped to help people. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. 44,193 people die of suicide each year (2016). There is an average of 121 people who will die each day to suicide. And yet, suicide and depression is one of the few things I hear about. We rarely talk about it as an issue. Recently, more celebrities have been trying to spread awareness, but it is about more then that. It is about creating an open space where people can talk. Where people won't feel judged. Where people aren't concerned that saying "I'm depressed" or "feeling suicidal" will ruin their careers, personal relationships, and reputation. I certainly fear these issues just by writing this very vulnerable blog. However, if I can help someone in writing I will continue to.

To give you an idea of how my brain and emotions work while listening to a Linkin Park Song, I'm going to show you those feelings as I listen. One more light became my favorite song just before Chester took his life. Those feelings

Should have stayed, were the signs, I ignored.
What could I have done for those I've lost to suicide? I lost a girl I mentored for years online and I blamed myself to this day. If I would have said the right thing, maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have saved her. What about my brother? I had to have known there were signs. Why could I not do more?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore
I think of this every time I have had someone come to me with a problem or just to cry. I want to take away their pain if I can. I want to help them. When my mom died she was in a great deal of pain and I remember being in the room wishing that I could take her pain. The worst feeling in the world is to know someone is in emotional or physical pain and you can't do anything. Or you think you could have done more. 
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep
The world is full of such cruelty, judgement, and hateful people. Sometimes the best times in life are when you are just with those who you feel the closest to, who can't hurt you. 
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
The love, the relationships of those that have passed. We sometimes can't keep that love, but we can have it at some point. I will never meet anyone like my mom. People don't understand that love of a mother is gone for me. I will never have her back. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
There are millions of people in the world, so what does it matter if one person dies? I care when I hear about any death, those that touch me and those that don't. Those people all had something or effected someone in some way and now they are gone. 
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
This lyric really influenced me. It made me realize just how fragile we are. So many people just forget when someone dies. Or they think that you need to "get over" or "move on" from that death. You never move on when a loved one passes away, you learn to live with the pain. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take away your pain. It kills me that my husband, if I have kids: my kids, and so many others that have come into my life will NEVER meet my mother. They will know her stories, but never her. We are more then a moment to be forgotten. We are a legacy to leave on. 
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do
I care too much as a hyper empath. 

The reminders pull the floor from your feet
When I am reminded of my mom or my brother I feel as though I'm literally falling down an endless pit. These lyric touches me so much. My mom's birthday is 07/28 her death anniversary is 04/04. Same goes for the anniversaries/birthday for my brother. I do not want to do anything on those days, but cry and allow myself to feel the pain. They remind me of happy days, but also the most painful days of my life. July 20th will go down as one of the most painful days for me. Because now when I listen to Linkin Park all I can think about his death. The group that changed my life, was with me, understood me, is gone :(
In the kitchen one more chair than you need
There will always be 2 places gone; one for my mom and one for my brother. Christmas will never be the same. Holidays in general suck. Things change so much and you are expected to just carry on and deal with it. I'm tired of dealing with it.
Ohhhhhh and you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
This lyric.... changed.... me. This changed me before hearing the news of Chester, but now it means even more. I can't tell you how unfair I've felt that I lost my mom, my brother, and dealt with the pain of bullying and abuse. I always tried to be a good person. I have always wanted to help people and do things for people. Knowing that I had to deal with so much loss so early on and deal with bullying and pain just makes me feel angry and like I've been dealt a bad hand. But we have a right to feel that way. Few people will say "you deserve to feel that way" or "you should feel that way" or "it's okay to feel that way, you have a right to". It is so important to acknowledge and legitimize peoples feelings. 
Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
My mom suffered from depression too, but you could see what ailed her. She had cancer and was very apparently sick. People seem to assume that if you don't look sick or you seem fine, that you are. Mental illness is invisible. You can't see when someone is in pain. I feel that there are some that have depression that are able to hide it amazingly because they've learned how to over the years. Even those with disabilities you can't always see. For instance, I'm hearing impaired and many people don't know that because my hearing aids are small and for years I didn't wear hearing aids. That is why depression and mental illness are so lethal, it's because we often don't see it and so out of sight out of mind. Look for the warning signs. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do

I'm going to end this blog by saying that I can't thank Linkin Park enough for how they have personally touched my life. I am completely at a loss and heartbroken over this and I don't know that I will ever really be able to cope with this loss, just as I never will cope with the loss of my mom or brother. I will learn, as I always do, how to manage the pain enough to get me by and hopefully use this experience as a means of helping others. Please know that you don't have to suffer alone if you are reading this and need someone to talk to I will always be a listening ear.

Letting go. The hardest, but most rewarding thing to do.

For those that know me, they know that pain and grief aren't unfamiliar to me. In fact, in the last I'd say 10 years I've dealt with and tried to manage some of the worst experiences of my life. What I've learned as a result of suffering from tremendous grief and loss, is that people always feel theirs is worse. This is understandable, considering their own experiences are closest to them. Unfortunately, people are inherently selfish, and even I can be at times. Losing people I love is the worst pain I've experienced; however, the aftermath of loss is comparable. I've had people say unbelievable things to me that I never fathomed were possible. I had not experienced something so uncomfortable to talk about, nor had I encountered such evil in the world. For instance, I've had people say that I need to get over the losses I've had, deal with it, ask if I was close to the deceased, attack me for decisions I've made in my life, wish bad things upon me, and not be mindful before speaking. Regardless of how much you dislike someone, or don't care about someone these sorts of things are unacceptable. I would never wish harm upon someone. I try with my greatest will to not say insensitive statements to those in pain. If I don't know what to say, which happens, I don't say anything at all. It's not worth causing the other person unnecessary pain. I've been reading more and more from Buddhism to help me make sense of these difficult experiences. In doing so, I've learned that those who hold a grudge or ruminate on those painful words are the ones who truly lose. This is--in part--because the person who said the hurtful messages are most likely not still thinking about it, especially those that are self-centered. Thus, the quote demonstrates perfectly what occurs when you hold a grudge for an extensive period of time, you are hooked. You smile less, and become miserable over words.

I don't think that people realize grief doesn't end after a year. Not unless they've

personally experienced grief. Grief is an ongoing process through which you try to pull yourself back up. Sometimes this process is daily, sometimes it's weekly, or some that manage grief better only need a monthly pick me up. For me, when my mom died, this was a daily process. When people say "time heals pain/wounds" what they really mean is that you learn how to manage the pain a bit better. The pain doesn't heal and does not go away. It leaves a permanent scar. In special moments, when you wish the person could be present for you it reopens the wound a bit. When I was grieving I isolated myself quite a bit. 4 years after my moms death I finally began to get myself some help to deal with the grief, which I felt would cause me to be ridden with stigma. However, people were very supportive. The counselor I was seeing told me that I was allowed to have my feelings and express them. In addition, he said that the most important thing that you can do for yourself is to cut out the negative energy and people in your life. Regardless of a grudge someone holds or a disliking toward you, there is no reason to wish bad upon them or attempt to manipulate them in a negative way. I felt selfish at the thought of even doing this, but I learned that your own individual happiness should always be a priority. If you aren't happy, then you aren't really living. And as Morrie said in Tuesdays with Morrie, you only learn to live when you learn to die. I had many loved ones pass away in my life, but the last two losses I experienced were very close to me. I thought about the quote from Morrie and realized that if these losses taught me anything it is to live. To do what makes me happy and expel negative energy from my life. As I've learned to do this, and not guilt trip myself for what I classified as being "selfish" I've been much happier. Things still get to me, but I'm learning to better manage them.

Another important lesson I've learned about people is that many say insensitive things or attack  you because they are miserable themselves. The quote seems to reign true that "misery loves company". It's sad that people would want pain for you, because they feel it. In addition, some people just don't understand how to provide comfort, and in doing so say things they don't realize are hurtful. As someone who cares deeply about providing comfort, I feel it's so important we learn the right things to say and figure out what someone needs. If someone is unable to be helped, or you don't know what to say either seek out help for them, or let them be. Chances are, by not saying something you have less of a chance of hurting them tremendously. We tend to remember the negative messages that people share with us, because it's easy to ruminate on the negative, rather then the positive.

Finally, what I've learned as a result of my research, my experiences, and my overall life journey

is that there will be positive and negative experiences in life. The best that you can do is embrace the positive and try to be mindful of the negative. Rather then lashing out at someone talk to them. Try to understand their perspective, and get out of your own head. If someone is negative toward you do what you need to remain happy. I know this is cliche, but we really only live one life. Life is so short to hang onto negative energy. The world needs more kindness and less hate. If that hasn't been evident, I don't know what will make people see that. Sometimes, people don't want your advice, they just want you to listen. My husband and my brother Nick have just listened to me recently, and the listening and not saying much was so much helpful then what many people try to say to me. Just being present, listening, not being self-centered, and caring is what true kindness is. I love what I do in my life, because I am present and listen. I want to help people. I want to make their lives better. And I wish nothing but goodness upon them. With a world ridden with loss, disease, pain, grief, mental illness, and disabilities we need all the kindness and goodness that we can get. Spread love, not hate. Enact kindness, not cruelty. Be mindful, not thoughtless.

It's been a while since I blogged, but I just felt a compelling urge to write. To express my feelings to a computer screen. I hope that you enjoyed my blog, and that this helped bring some joy, thought, or inspiration to you today. Know that I will be a listening ear should you need one, and that I'm thinking happy vibes for you.

A Thank You to my Readers

For those who have followed and read my blogs throughout the years, I want to send over a warm thank you. Your comments, readership, and companionship has both inspired me and helped me during times when I needed it most. For those who never commented, but read I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read my blogs. I realize in the many years I've blogged I have not yet reached out to my readers and said thanks.

I realize the last few years I have not been posting as much on my blog. However, I want to change that. My blog is my sanctuary. Written word is an art and craft that I have been blessed with. In life, sometimes we can become lost. Not sure of our true purpose or potential. I have suffered from a tremendous amount of loss at a young age, losing my mother and my older brother. However, I still managed to accomplish more than I give myself credit for.

I'm sure many can relate, but often we are our own worst enemies. We consistently put ourselves down, saying that we "aren't capable". I've done this throughout my life, even before all of the trauma suffered. However, I'm finding that I must give myself credit where credit is due. I am *fingers crossed* approaching the end of my dissertation. I have secured a position that I am in love with in a town that I have grown to love. I have a husband who loves me with all of his heart. I fulfilled a dream by getting a hedgehog. He's pictured below. Many good things have happened for me, but I have been blinded by own darkness.

My goal is to live healthier, happier, and more simple. In addition to some lifestyle changes I will be going through I am also hoping, once the dissertation is complete, that I am able to write my own book. Of course, I'll let each of you know if, scratch that WHEN, it happens. This blog was really meant to just reach out to each of you, and let you know I am thinking of you. When all seems hopelessly optimistic I want you to know you can comment on here and talk to me. I'm only a comment away. Thanks again and looking forward to posting more in the future. 

xoxo

Lexy

To those who still read, I could use your help.

Hello! As many of you know, I am a doctoral student in the Department of Communication Studies at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. My research centers on health communication processes, and I am conducting research that I hope will improve our understanding of supportive communication between social networks and family caregivers of patients with cancer. As someone who has provided care to a patient with cancer, I am interested in
conducting research that is aimed at better understanding the memorable, supportive messages that are shared with family caregivers in cancer.

To participate: Participants in the states of Nebraska and Alabama must be at least 19 years old or older to participate, participants in the state of Mississippi must be at least 21 years old to participate, and participants in all other states must be at least 18 years old to participate. If you meet these requirements, and are a current or former family caregiver of a patient with cancer, and have 20-30 minutes to complete an online survey, you can participate in the study by clicking on this link: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/request-assistance-cancer-caregiving-research-alexis-johnson?trk=prof-post

Working Towards a Better You

As a reflect on the past four years I can safely assert that I have in fact neglected the most important
person in my life, myself. While my mom was sick with cancer, I had a new found appreciation for life. I realized that we are fragile, and much like a beautiful piece of art, we can shatter. Sometimes we can pick the pieces back up and recreate the piece into a beautiful mosaic. Other times, the glass is unable to be repaired. I chose to take the pieces that shattered from my mom's terminal cancer diagnosis and created a new, but beautiful picture. A picture of a life I always desired, but could never achieve. I went on for a Masters degree, finding enrichment through education. I worked out daily, which felt freeing when and helped to reduce life stressors. I was at a healthy weight, where I was feeling confident in my looks, abilities, and self. My health seemed to finally be back on the right path. I was dedicated to facilitating change both through my research and my commitment to my community. I recall putting on my reduce, reuse shirt and riding my bike to the blue line train. I got off the train, with spidey (my bike) by my side and celebrated earth day with hundreds of other people hoping to save the animals, environment, and our home (Earth). In that moment, at the Earth Day Celebration, I felt as though I had finally discovered who I was. Somewhere between that moment to the present I think I lost my way. As mentioned is previous blogs, I lost my path.

I'm not sure if the major loss of my older brother has caused me to reevaluate my life choices, but I certainly think it has sparked something within me. I realize the past 4 years I've been slowly digging my own grave. First, the stress that I have experienced in the past 4 years has been indescribable. There were moments I was wondering how I was still even able to exist. Rather than viewing education as a gift, I began to view it as a pressure. I constantly felt not good enough, and as though I was not worthy. I know it's not uncommon for people to have impostor syndrome, but I felt as though mine was getting the best of me. Second, my physical health began to deteriorate. I slowly gained all of my weight back and then some. I have been the heaviest I have been since high school, and am disappointed and enraged at myself. I made a promise when I lost over 100 pounds that I would never let myself get that big. Here I am 4 years later twice as heavy. I worked incredibly hard to take off the weight and can't believe I am back at square one. Third, I have put aside my own desires and passions to appease to others. I feel as though I am selfish when I do something for me. And at times, I really want to say "I JUST WANT A DAY ABOUT ME", but I continue to struggle with that. Additionally, I have allowed others to bully me and even make me feel bad. It is my assumption, that most people, don't truly want to hurt you. We can and often do say hurtful things that aren't indicative of how we feel. I can, and should, tell people when they say these things.

The past two days I've tried very hard to be a better me. To remember the maybe 2 years I was happy
in my life (aside from my childhood). I had a routine and I enjoyed my routine. I was productive, felt accomplished, and most importantly was proud of the person I was. I'm not proud of myself. I am not happy with what is going on in my life. Even though I haven't woken up at the time I want (I'm finding it completely impossible to wake up these days) I force myself to do what I had planned to do at that time. For example, the past two days I have biked 5 miles a day and swam for at least 30 minutes a day. Even though my body is sore I pressed through. I almost gave up halfway through my swim today, but then I saw a cardinal. The cardinal landed on the post by the pool. It was a beautiful, bright red. The cardinal began to sing one of the most incredible songs I have heard in nature. I continued to swim and it continued to sing. It felt as though the cardinal was singing to me and telling me to keep going. When the cardinal finally left, I paused for a moment and felt as though it was my brother, mom, or perhaps both. I believe in my heart, that it was a message to keep going. To keep fighting the darkness and to work towards my happiness. To be the person I consider "better". Today I am blogging. I want to continue to blog my emotions, feelings, and get back to my own personal writing. Writing brought me clarity and allowed me to cope with difficulties. And as a narrative scholar, I've come to learn that writing is cathartic.

I want to be a better person, and find my happiness again and not just for myself. I want to be happy and strong for my dad, who is going through something unimaginable. I want to be there for my sister and show her undeniable love. I want to be the best sister I can to my younger brother, who I know struggles daily. Most of all, I want to be happy for my husband so that he remembers why he married me. I also want to accomplish what I have set out to do from the start, to help people. I want to educate students and have them come to me and talk to me. I want to be the person that helps to guide them and makes them feel as though they can bring the skills they learn in the classroom into their lives. I want to continue to research cancer and illness, even though it hurts me and reopens wounds. Not because I want to be sad, but because I want others who have had to face what I have not to feel alone. Each year I want to do something for my mom and brother to show them that I am thinking of them.

Because Jay loved nature so much, I'm planning on doing something for him while in Arkansas.
Maybe going by the mountainside and saying a prayer for him. Maybe just having a fire and remembering him and telling stories. For my mom, I want to continue to light a candle. I also want to keep alive her love for life, desire to help others, and her fashion sense. In order to accomplish all of this I need to find my happy place. I need to do what makes me happy first so that I can be a better person for all of the people I love so much. I know I will get to where I need to be, I just need to believe in myself and have the confidence I once did. I have a paper accepted to NCA, I have the front end of my dissertation almost complete, and I have a tenure-track position with people I am greatly looking forward to working with. I can do this.

XOXO
Lex

Haunted

For much of my life I was haunted by pains that seemed so unbearable at times I didn't want to be here. While some of these thoughts plagued me for years, and some still do I have never had the courage to leave. I have experienced a tremendous amount of loss for my age, and I am and forever will be haunted by this notion. When I lost my mother, I thought that life could not get worse. I hoped, and to some extent, believed that I would not have to endure another loss in the near future. 4 years later I feel myself breaking down, the ground seems to be falling from beneath me, and I am dealing with the loss of my older brother.

When my mother got cancer, I vowed to make something positive out of it. I wanted to help people. My need to help people overtook me, and I became set on doing research to help people. More importantly, I realized that there weren't that many people at my age who had to deal with or see what I saw. When I did meet people who experienced the same loss I felt relieved, in a weird way. I wanted to do something to bring young adults together who lost a parent to a terminal illness. However, in the quest to help, I find myself neglecting me own feelings, desires, and needs. I realize now more than ever that people truly don't know what to say when faced with loss. Telling me to move on from my mother tells me I should not still be grieving her, which I am. Asking me how close or how I was related to my older brother is like saying well you weren't close so it shouldn't affect you.

Each holiday, birthday, celebration, and major life event I am haunted by the fact that my mother will never be able to attend. She will never see the woman I grew up to be. It took me a long time to accept this, and to this day I still struggle. I still feel angry that I don't get to have my mother while others do. I still am envious of those have their parents see their weddings, major life events, and see their children stabilize. The pain and grief I still live with the loss of my mother will never truly go away. As I told my Father, you don't ever move on, but rather you keep going. You need to keep going to honor and allow the memory of your loved one to stay alive. I had Brandon and my wedding in Galena to honor my mother, because that was a place she always dreamed of me getting married. While most people would say, "wouldn't this make you sad?" I didn't get sad. It felt good to be having an important and life changing experience in a place that my mother and I shared such a connection. It was like she was there, if not physically, in spirit.

When I visited my mothers grave this weekend, I told her I was sorry for not taking care of my brother, but that I was trying to help people. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but I did. More than I ever thought I could. I put my hands on her grave and it felt comforting, but also reminded me that she is not here. I can never give my mother a hug. I can never tell her how I truly feel. I will never see her again.

My brother's passing has reminded me and open up wounds I've worked towards repairing from my mothers death. Seeing my brother made me flashback to my mom. However, this was even more painful. My brother and I shared a love for music. He had his band play music to my lyrics because I always wanted to be in a band. I don't think he knew how meaningful that was to me. I was heavily bullied in high school. The music I listened to was my life and is what helped me cope with the pain. I always wished I could be in a band like him or my younger brother, but I knew it would never happen for me. That one song gave me so much joy. I've listened to it about a 100 times and just keep thinking about how that changed my life. It is a testimate to what kind of person my brother was. I knew eventually I would lose my parents. While I lost my mom way too soon, I never thought I'd lose a sibling, at least not so young. I never thought someone I loved would be in so much pain that they would take their own life.

I think this has affected me so much, because I've been in such a dark place that I didn't want to be here. Some of these blogs I'm sure alluded to my pain and suffering. I was bullied, cheated on, lost my childhood home, ran into financial issues, and been sick most of my life. My mom dying made everything else seem trivial and this makes life seem just way too short. We spend so much of our lives worrying about everything, working so hard, and at the end of the day what do we have to show for ourselves? Possessions? I worry everyday. I am so paranoid and so concerned about the future that I become too blind to see what's important in the moment. On the way home from Chicago, I'm fairly certain I may have had a mini stroke. Despite the loss of two important people and a scare of losing mobility of my body I still worry. I don't want to be consumed by pain and worry, but some days it's difficult to control. I think about my brother and what could have drove him to do what he did. I miss him and wish that I could hug him. I hadn't talked to him since Christmas, and the guilt that I feel is tremendous. Moving away from my family was one of the most difficult decisions I made in my life. Knowing that I missed out on so much of my brothers life and couldn't be there right away for my family pains me still.

I want to move forward and just want some of the stress and worry to go away. I'm not sure how I will get to that point. Some days I feel crazy and unable to do much of anything. I still do have many people in my life that I love, including my husband, dad, brother, sister, and nieces/nephew. I still can't get over that I could lose one of them. I think about it and I get depressed and worried. I just hope that I can find peace and that I can eventually get to where I want to be. I will always miss and be sad that I lost my mother and brother, but I will do my best to allow their memories to be a present part of my life.

The Air Around Me Still Feels Like a Cage

Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there. Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I can not ache. I don't deserve to have you. Oh my smile was taken long ago if I can change I hope I never know.

I was on the path towards light. The darkness that surrounds my heart. The bitterness that I had towards losing my mother, the bullying, and my other issues was feeling manageable to say the least. A little over a year ago I had an ankle surgery which rendered my basically "useless" for several weeks. I could not walk on my own and had to care for myself most of the day. I experienced a pain that I had let stew within my for years. This pain completely took over my body. I could not function. I could not imagine getting up in the morning. I didn't want to do anything I loved anymore. Most of all, I began to push people away. I felt increasingly more uncomfortable talking to me, because of my dark thoughts. Some people who knew me became concerned and were there and could see the signs of depression that were coming out. Others could not empathize with me. I reached out for help. I was in the lowest of places. I had not dealt with my pain for so long that it was coming full force. I just wanted to make sure that everyone else was okay.

I know where my low place was. I know how detrimental it was for me. I can't even imagine the pain my brother was experiencing. I lost my brother and it's been a very difficult loss for me. I feel so much pain for my father and sister. I'm so concerned about their well-being and what I can do in this experience. I want more than anything to be there to comfort them. I'm also feeling as though I almost feel connected to this in some way. Not that I caused anything, but just because of how I've felt in the past. I've been in a place where I thought life was not worth living. I became engulfed by a darkness that I believed would never pass. I will miss and pray for my older brother. I wish more than anything I could have talked to him. I think about how I wish I had spent more time with him and got to know the person he was more. Our love of music connected us and was something we could talk about. In his honor, I've been listening to some of his music but also music we both had a love for.

I just keep listening to a lostprophets song over and over again, called rooftops. I feel like going to the top of the tallest building and just screaming. While I continue to work towards remaining positive, it's difficult. I keep slipping back into the why me mentality. I'm not sure what more I want to say today, but I am praying for my family. I hope that this pain can get better in time for us. I love them all so much, and wish nothing more than their happiness.

Time Passes

"Time passes, kills everything in it's path and then it buries us in history. Some bits, some bits seem to stick. Oh I thought you and I could be a timeless thing. I have to ask please answer honestly oh what would you have done if you were me? How could it go so wrong so quickly? Oh what would you do if you were me? Don't assume that I have found this easy. How would you feel if you were me?"--Frightened Rabbit.

I've forgotten, as I often do, that this blog always remains. A space through which I can feel safe and as though I won't be judged. Because ultimately "do people even know how they would feel if they were me?" Despite the saying, "imagine walking a mile in his/her shoes" we often don't consider how others feel. As a consequence, this proves to be a challenge when trying to engage in something as simple as providing support or empathy.

When I lived in Chicago, I recall riding the train daily. On my long trips, I could sense emotions surrounding me. Bouts of sadness, happiness, worry, boredom embodied the train systems. When I could sense sadness I could feel myself growing increasingly sad. When joy filled the air, I could feel myself growing increasingly happy. My intuitive nature to emotion has led me down beautiful flower filled fields, with a bright sun beaming down upon me. The warmth fills my body with joy as I take in the beauty that life can bring. However, this connection to emotion has also led me down a dark path. One where I am in a deep, dark forest alone. Beasts seem to howl as I run to save myself. The roads seem endless and I become increasingly more misguided and lost.

Those who tell me that I am strong and that I can get through my pain don't necessarily consider what it means to be me, or know how I feel. This, perhaps, is why it is difficult to find my way out of the forest. The right hand has not reached out to guide me yet. I've made an effort on my part, but to care for oneself, especially when fearsome of their surroundings, is not easy. Sometimes simple comments from complete strangers can remind you of the goodness that still exists in humanity. I like to believe that there are others in the world who exemplify and demonstrate this goodness.

My belief in humanity, and that people can be selfless led me to sacrifice much of my own happiness. I've began to work towards caring more about myself than others, but it is difficult. My life has been dedicated to making others happy. So much that I forgot what makes me happy. I let others bully me into behaving or doing what is in their best interest, rather than my own. Maybe, just maybe, that's who I am? Or maybe, it's not easy to transform from selfless to selfish. Sometimes, I feel that I'm selfish, and I think to some degree most humans are. But, knowing that I can be selfish, makes me feel evil, horrible, and as though I am being irrational.

I'm finally learning to try and accept all range of emotions I have. Not just the good, but the bad. Nobody experiences happiness every day of their lives. People fall in and out of darkness, but as my mother said, it's about getting back up and fighting. I fought for her so many years. I miss her dearly, but I want to become the woman she would want me to become. I know that I will continue to be dragged down, but I have to believe that in the end, things will in fact work out.

Time will pass, and as it does I will change. For life is an ever changing process through which we learn, grow, and experience. Our experiences then lead us to new directions, places, and ideas. These ideas then lead us to understanding who we are in different, and perhaps more meaningful ways. At our core, we are bundles of memories, meanings, and symbols. We construct, and reconstruct ourselves. Sometimes we make the wrong choices, which makes us try and figure out a new construction of ourselves. Sometimes we become out of date and we need to renovate ourselves. The beauty is that as we continue to function we learn what works and what doesn't. We eventually move on from what doesn't, and sometimes we get stuck. I'm stuck in the process of reconstruction. I'm trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.

Rambling of a chaotic, insomniac shall now cease. Here's to hoping this blog makes sense in the morning. Goodnight dear world, and remember if you haven't been told today you are a beautiful person. Remember, it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get where you want to be, it's that you got there.

Always,
AlexisZoe

To de-isolate the isolated self.

Feelings of isolation, desperation, and fears can truly stunt your abilities to work towards motivating yourself. Consequently, the feelings you wish to combat seem nearly impossible to overcome despite your feeble attempts. Recently, I made a conscious decision to attempt to work towards accepting the feelings and emotions that I have experienced over the past year. Despite my efforts, it seems, that even if I put forth my best effort it has potential to go unnoticed. When I consider the purpose of life, and reflect on that notion, I'm not quite sure many of us ever reach a point where we feel comfortable saying we have "one true purpose". Ultimately, you either have the type of life where you have the motivation and ability to get what you want (i.e. feeling as though you achieved purpose fulfillment). Or, excessive trauma gets the better of you and you crumble under the seemingly endless pastors of forgotten plains (i.e. questioning if any of us truly have a purpose). Unfortunately, my once existential self has begun to stop questioning my purpose. As Camus asserts, humans are meaning seeking beings; however, life often does not provide us with concrete meanings (Camus, 1946). Therefore, much of our lives we seek meaning, have a deep rooted desire to understand who we are, and ultimately discover our true purpose. What then, does one become, when they begin to give up on purpose? What is a human without that fiery need to understand who they are?

To me, I've become somewhat of a living ghost. I float through life wondering if my existence means anything. However, while some people have several meanings they can pull from their inner treasure chests, I have none. My treasure chest has become sealed tight under the grasp of darkness from my own heart. I've searched high and low for the key to open the beautiful, unique, and purposeful treasure. As a result, I've created a world of isolation in myself. Intentionally isolating myself so that others won't be subject to the darkness that has created a dark cloud over my treasure. I'm told that the isolation causes people to "forget you", but if you are present and suddenly vanish shouldn't people wonder what happened? Shouldn't, much like crime shows, others detect some sort of foul play? Or does one need to physically disappear for people to step in and truly want to help? Mental disconnection, isolation, clear indications of a bigger issue can be a serious issue as well. Though you are physically present, there is a sense of disappearance. The person who once was there no longer remains. 

I don't want to go down in the history of my life knowing that I failed myself. However, there comes a point in life, at times, when one can't accomplish things without the help of others. It's particularly difficult for me to ask for help. I've always viewed myself as strong, able, and ready to concur anything and everything. The last year has been challenging on me, and while I required much more help then I received, I didn't ask for help. Even now, it has become increasingly difficult for me to force myself out, give up on searching for my key to my treasure chest, and try to overcome the fear of reaching out. I often wonder, if there is some way to better accomplish this. I sit, upset, distraught, reading work that makes me feel, but at the same time makes me further aware of my situation. There is much uncertainty and fear. Moreover, I feel as though the suffering did not end simply with the loss of my mom or my several ankle breaks/surgery, but now with my hopes for the future and what I want to do. People say "it will get better" or "you will overcome this" but alas I question these concepts. How does one simply get better when they continue to miss out on opportunities and feel as though not many people truly care?

I shall end this blog, because even writing this was an incredible struggle. A struggle I knew I must attempt. My writing is my therapy. My stories are what have been detrimental to my life, but also what have prompted me to work as hard as I have. It is a painful, happy, precious, and scary road that I must travel. To live, learn, and grow on my own personal road to narrative. 

To be Motherless. A Story of Resilience.

Sometimes, in the midst of our busy lives, we can become lost in a jungle of negativity. These negative emotions, feelings, and thoughts can drive our view and conceptualization of what it means to live. And as this negative energy continues to stir inside of our being we become more fearful. These fears carry into our daily practices, thoughts, and lives. At the core, one might consider for a moment why so many of us get to this point of darkness. How we become so lost in what seems like an endless dark forest. However, it's not about how we got lost it's about figuring out how we get out. We tend to dwell so heavily on how we got there, that we don't consider possible ways out. It becomes endless because we convince ourselves that it is endless.

In the distance, if we look hard enough, we can see light. So many of us miss this single most misery loves company is true. Indeed, we often become so interested in others lives that we lose sight of our own. We forget that at the end of the day the only true person you have is yourself. And while this may sound like a selfish notion it holds some truth.
important event during our daily lives. The light beckons to us hoping that we will turn for one moment from the darkness to encounter it. To see that if we focus hard enough there is a way out of this damp and dark forest. In recent events, I have chosen the light. So many people want to drag you down to their dark forest. As I continue to develop, grow, and discover new and beautiful pieces of my own identity others try to rip that away. To some degree, this seems to be on a more unconscious level. And I suppose you could say that the saying

I spent the majority of my life caring about others. I still do, but I've learned to care for myself along with others. A pivotal experience that demonstrates my care is caring for those who don't necessarily care for me. My mother would tell me that I cared too much. As a result, she argued I sacrificed my own happiness. To a degree, being selfless can have it's limitations in that if you care so much about others you simply don't have the time to care about yourself. I've learned to be selective of who I care about, but even I struggle to not care even in the face of adversity. When my mother passed away I cared so much about what people would think of who I was. My identity was forever changed 23 and motherless.

23 and motherless. It happened I met a boy. He makes me happy, but I can't ask my mom what she thinks. My mother was blunt, and in a way I appreciated her bluntness as I grew older. She knew when a guy was worth my time given her extensive experience in the dateosphere. I valued my mothers opinion and now my mother would never offer her opinion of this new found, dare I say, love?

24 and motherless. I'm in school and struggling. Some days are better than others, but I work hard and I constantly question whether or not I am truly good enough. Of course this is the impostor syndrome hitting me hard. When I felt this way my mother would always boost my confidence. This boost gave me the energy and motivation I needed to tell myself that things weren't impossible and I would always come out strong.

25 and motherless. I'm sick. Now I'm having to undergo a surgery which will render me immobile for quite an extensive period of time. Additionally, I have a wedding that I'm finishing up the final touches on. A wedding, that my mother will not be able to attend. The wedding that she longed to see she would not have a front row seat. My mother was the person who cared for me and without her I had to rely on my husband who was busy at work much of the time. My mother was the one who dreamed of her daughters wedding and it felt almost wrong to hold one without her. The day of the wedding was mixed with happiness and sorrow. No mother there, alone in a room. Friends and family were in and out, but I felt alone.

26 and motherless. It's hard to believe that it's almost been 4 years since I've had to say goodbye to one of the most influential people in my life. As I reflect I begin to see that time can begin to heal wounds, but that experiences serve as a constant reminder of what I can't share with my mother. I'm hoping for an exciting future in a career that I am passionate about. I wish and long for my mother to see my skills and tell all about how proud she is of her underdog daughter. I was always the underdog and I never stopped fighting or trying. That fighting spirit was one of the characteristics my mother loved so dearly about me.

For the last 5 years I walked deeper and deeper into a dark forest that grew more and more ugly. It became a place that I hardly recognized. Recently, I have found the light and I am starting to walk towards it. I have dreams, hopes, and belief that I can change not only the way I perceive my own life, but how I view others. When you lose your way it can take days, months, even years to get back to where you are the happiest. The key is never letting go of that tiny bit of faith in your heart or it can become enveloped in darkness. So much that you begin to lose sight of any positive aspects of life. I believe that life can be beautiful and that opportunities that you are presented can be wonderful regardless of the outcome. You have to maintain that, despite hardship, you will always have more to look forward to in the future.

Stay hopeless and optimistic my dear friends. I assert that the future has your best interest in mind, even if it doesn't seem so now. You can and you will prosper find your light and don't let go, even if the journey seems daunting.

XOXO,

Lexy J.

Fiction in real life

Recently I've found myself completely submersed in a television show that I feel has connected to my soul. While I like TV and find some shows entertaining I've never connected on such a deep level to a show before. Perhaps it's my complete and utter fascination with fairy tales and fantasy, but the show Once Upon a Time has inspired me to reconnect with my inner creative soul. It connects me to that what I once was and who I continue to strive to be. After all the show reminds us all that

Life is a process that can often cause us to feel lost. Sometimes love can feel as though it is the greatest weapon or that it wastes our years. I may have become slightly delusional, but I truly believe there is a piece of us that have felt this way at some point. Even those who have had the most turmoil, pain, suffering, and have succumbed to darkness have to ability to change who we are. Sometimes, in the face of a painful reminder of who we once were we can fall victim to reverting back to our old selves. Something as simple as replacing your hook for your "evil hand" or having the one you love most ripped from your side. Trying and believing you can overcome that darkness can be the most challenging experience because so often do we not believe in ourselves. 

I realize that believing in yourself is a constant battle, but that happiness is at the end for villain, hero, or victim.  I relate the most to captain hook or rumple. Captain Hook found love once, but was deeply hurt and lost that what he lost. Before and after that was a loner and constantly searching for gratification from other places. While lost he became selfish and began to become consumed with getting ahead in his own life rather then caring who he made victim to his selfish ways. I can relate to the loner lifestyle. I can also relate to consuming myself in what I feel would get me ahead and neglecting simple relationships. Rumple is in constant battle with his incessant need to have ownership of his dagger, containing his powers and ability to be a free man and not be controlled by others. His need for his freedom left him alone for years, but finally he was able to find someone to see past the beast. Consumed by himself rumple shows signs of progress, but ends up succumbing the darkness that is his dagger, even when given the option of having freedom by giving his dark parts to Belle. There were so many times in my past the darkness called to me. Beckoning me to come closer and to give in. The darkness of life can give you power whether that's over others or yourself. In my situation, I was so consumed with at least having power over myself that the darkness drew me close. I still combat darkness, but I feel that I am close to letting my true love have my dagger. 

Like Captain Hook and Rumple I have found true love. I would do anything and everything to ensure that my true love is safe from harm. I will always fight for what I believe in and what I love. I am starting to see that no matter what life throws at you, you can be a survivor. You just have to believe and you have to keep fighting. 

Modern Day Fairy-tale

The girl with long dark hair slowly awakens from her slumber. As she stretches under her large fleece blanket made from the finest wool she looks up at her large golden, ornate ceiling. She has everything her heart has desired, yet the room feels so empty. The gold and gems that surround her feel unfamiliar as she attempts to get herself out of bed. These days it has become quite difficult for her to feel as though she can step out of bed. For she knows that her day entails heart wrenching and complex tasks for which she feels she is not yet ready to confront. These fears, worries, and anxiety have gotten best of her and at times she feels as though she wishes she could escape somehow. Perhaps she could take Melushia, her white stead, and ride far out into the forest. Alas, the uncertain nature of that brings her greater fear. The unknown keeps her locked in a castle for which she seldom finds happiness. The one who does bring her happiness is what has kept her from complete madness. As she sits in her bed she reflects deeply upon her past trying to make sense of the chaos. She yearns for her future to be less bleak than that of her past. However, she finds it difficult to think about a happy future in such a bleak present time. She slowly rolls out of her grand bed and looks into the mirror.

"Who have I become?" She whispers to herself. "What shall I do to escape this curse?"

She feels exhaustion despite her hours of slumber. For at night she doesn't truly sleep but dreams of her mother. A mother she lost long ago, yet the pain seems to near and fresh. She wonders if she will ever be able to see the future in a positive way. If this pain, the hard work, any of it will actually pay off. A castle may appear beautiful and spectacular from the outside, but inside it can be dark and dreadful. For much of the castle contains dungeons of tortured souls. Souls that she can relate to and yet she does not act on this darkness. She wonders if there will ever be a moment of weakness. A time where she will too be trapped in a more dark dungeon than her golden palace.

"No," she mutters to herself as she wraps her royal purple robe around. "I shall never become that which I despise."

Ripe with jealousy, pain, and anguish her ability to function doing daily tasks, those which seemed easy become daunting. She has lost herself, not to darkness, but to pain. Even the man for which she loves struggles to bring her back to the powerful magical princess she once was.
.........................................................................................................................................................

I write creatively to express my feelings. In the past, my writing was what freed me from these feelings of emptiness and fear. The pain from the past stunted my ability to write fiction or even my research. I always felt that the pain I experienced was intentional. I was a person who was strong enough to fight and stay strong. My strength afforded me the opportunity to help those who experienced similar pain. However, sometimes the strong person inside falters. It can lead even the greatest to end up in dark places. Perhaps a place they never thought imaginable to get to. The lack of caring for myself led me to this dark place and now I struggle to get out. I do know that I need to work to get myself out and that it isn't easy. For even the fiercest warriors struggled to slay large beasts at some point in their lives. It is my goal to write fiction, reality, and feelings on this blog once again to combat these feelings. I do not want to continue to live in this castle that slowly is transforming into a dungeon. For I have had the gold of the privilege of opportunity that is slowly fading into the abyss.

I know that my hope to create and still be able to exist is going to be a difficult reality. Thus, I've tried to set myself up the best I could for life. However, my positioning and hard work has recently fallen underneath me and I find myself struggling and fearful. I must remember that in life there is no right or wrong it is only what you prescribe as right or wrong. For me I've allowed myself to feel wrong as though I was the failure. As though all of the pain and suffering was my fault. The blame, the guilt is enough to drive a person mad. Rather than beat myself up it is my full intention to get back on my horse and push myself to leave this prison and explore the unknown of life.

I hope you've enjoyed my blog and expect many more from me. I titled myself hopelessly optimistic for a reason. While sometimes I feel hopeless (most of the time) I've always tried to be optimistic about my situation or experience. I shall prevail and I shall become the strong fighter that I once was. I must regenerate my strength through that which I love the creative arts, to become a better person.

xoxo Lexy

2015 A New Year, A New Perspective

Each year I typically am like many people who generate a list of new years resolutions to appease towards being a better version of myself. It's as if a new year can suddenly erase all of my regrets, joys, and negatives of the past year. However, the way that resolutions/goals work is to think about what from the past you want to improve on and work on. Thus, this year rather than labeling my goals "resolutions" I'm going to call them just that goals. They are goals that I hope to achieve, but won't completely beat myself over not accomplishing. If I fail to accomplish something that doesn't mean that I'm a failure, nor does it mean I will never accomplish it. Sometimes goals can take us longer than what we prescribe for ourselves. The reason we don't see goals out is because if it takes us too long or it becomes to difficult we give up on our goals. We decide it's time to change who we are rather than think about the root of why this goal is so difficult to achieve. 

I've had many goals in my life that I have not accomplished. There are times I spent days beating myself up to the point where I became depressed over things that ultimately are trivial. When my mother passed away I swore I would learn from allowing things to consume or or forks in the road completely throw me off my A game. Unfortunately, I strayed away from the goal, but it doesn't mean that it's an impossible one. I've learned that I need to stop making excuses and I'm working this year in trying to overcome some of the pain. I wanted to write this blog, despite it being on the 5th, as a way to truly keep myself accountable. I used to write blogs all the time, they were my pleasure. Writing has always been the form of expression that has afforded me the opportunity to openly discuss my feelings. The past year or so I've completely neglected writing for myself and I intend to post more blogs this year. 

Though the formal list of goals may seem typical I still want to write out a list to see at the end of the year if I accomplished some of the goals I set for myself. I made a conscious effort to not just make career driven goals, but also goals for mental and physical well-being. Some are stereotypical, while others I find much more geared towards my own needs.

1. Practice the art of balance. Learn how to balance work and pleasure so that neither is being neglected. 

2. Work on my body and my overeating habits. Try to avoid overeating, drink more water, and exercise at least 3 days a week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I want to set a realistic goal to get me going rather than overworking my body and quitting early.

3. Write 5 days a week even if it isn't for long amounts of time or if I'm not feeling inspired. Writing even a bit a day may lead to something great whether its academic, creative, or personal writing.

4. Go to a Renaissance faire. I try to go every year and enjoy it.

5. Sell/donate more items that I don't need or don't use. I feel like we allow things to accumulate and clutter our lives. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed by things. 

6. Create weekly goals in my calendar and try to achieve those goals. If not make them a priority for the next week. 

7. Work on not guilt tripping myself about things or putting myself down when things happen. Try to retain a positive attitude. 

8. Try to stay a bit more organized.

9. Go fishing this year at least once. 

10. Take vitamins more vitamins to combat the illness/fatigue.

11. Purchase at least 3 things that I really want for myself without guilt. 

12. Try to learn a bit more about different cultures/dabble in another language.

13. Finish writing a fiction book with Brandon.

14. Do nice things for Brandon. 

15. Plan a trip that Brandon and I will go on in the next year or two.

16. Apply to more jobs and work towards finding something whether it's here in Nebraska or else-ware. 

17. Work on making a costume sewing project from FFXIV. 

18. Continue to practice sewing.

19. Paint more pictures and work on marketing my Etsy shop and building a portfolio. 

20. Bake more for others and bring baked goods over. 

21. Work on saving and budgeting better in 2015. 

This list is pretty hefty, but I tried to think of goals that are manageable that I can work towards this year. I don't want to overwhelm myself with goals and if I accomplish more I'll be more pleased rather than disappointed. I'm looking forward to 2015 even though it's a year of uncertainty for me. I believe that things will work out in my favor sometime soon. I've always been an underdog and had to fight and really convince people of my potential. I will continue to do so and continue to believe that I can accomplish anything if I just continue to work hard, dream, and believe that good will come. Have a wonderful new year.