Learning to be Grateful

Firstly, I very rarely blog much less write creatively or from my own inner workings of my mind these days. I find myself bombarded with an endless slew of responsibilities pulling me in nearly all directions. Finding time to just explore my creative side has proved to be a challenge throughout the years. There are moments I truly miss allowing my fingers to simply type my thoughts as quickly and accurately as possible. I felt as though I needed to write a blog just because I've gone through quite a bit the last few months and in this moment I experienced an "ah-ha" moment. A moment which presented complete clarity within my mind. I have not yet experienced something anything quite like it. Perhaps, since I am getting older, I'm learning and growing from experiences that in the past would have completely broken every fiber of my being.

As some of you may know, I lost my dear hedgehog Shaymin a day before my 30th birthday. I wanted a hedgehog most of my life and have always had an affinity for exotic animals. My heart was pained and plagued with the ever familiar "what ifs" that come after loss. I've experienced these what ifs with pets and people having had to deal with a tremendous amount of loss and grief despite my age. However, while I'm still learning to navigate my feelings tonight I had a deep and compelling feeling. I felt, for a moment, that I would be okay. That the world was not caving in around me and that moving forward the world and my life would be alright.

This moment came as I was grading and reflecting on my life. I realized how blessed I actually am

despite my loss. The losses I've dealt with have made me the person I am today. The person that has been gifted the ability to provide empathy in a world that seems cold. I have become somebody who is able to openly discuss my own issues with mental health, loss, and grief creating a safe space for others to shared their own difficult narratives. And while I long for my mothers advice and another hug, while I desire just a moment to talk to my brother again, and while I want more then anything to cuddle my little animals that I've lost I feel lucky for what the losses have taught. I also am eternally grateful for what I did have and what I still have.

First and foremost I met a man who does more for me then I really deserve. He has been my life partner for the majority of the most painful experiences of my life (minus all the awful relationships I was in before of course) and who I feel I can trust and depend on with anything that comes my way. Not many people find a love as deep as we have. So many friends and people we know seem as though they just sort of settled for one another. They don't have the oh so elusive spark that seems to ignite between those who are passionately in love. We genuinely just enjoy being together doing anything. We still have our date nights. Each day we wake up with hugs and love and we fall asleep in a similar manner. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I know that I am lucky. Not many get to experience such a deep connection to another person.

I am grateful for my family that are both still with us and who have passed. I know many families that are wonderful, but I have also been witness to those who are not as picture perfect. My family was not perfect, but they taught me lessons, supported me, and loved me through so much. My mother taught me kindness and to be selfless. I find myself enacting similar behaviors as she did just to let others know I care. Each time I do something like her I feel that I am still connected with her soul even though she is not here. I know that she taught me to be the person I am and to do nice things for others to just brighten their day. She understood me and loved me on a level that many children never get to experience. Even though I lost her young (22) I am blessed to have had that time with the most incredible mother on this planet. I also have a dad who has taught me to work hard, never let life knock you out of the game, and to dream. My mom brought us back to reality, but my dad always encouraged me to take risks and continue to dream. There are so many more dreams I want to pursue and the dreams I have I wouldn't have had the courage to without his guidance. He has always been my best friend. He has been the man I could just call and tell anything. I love him so much and even though my mom is gone he has tried to pick up some of those pieces that were broken with that loss. I also have 3 amazing siblings. Growing up I was the jealous kid. I wanted all the attention I couldn't understand sharing. However, I'm grateful I have my sister and brother and miss Jay terribly. They all have done different things to shape me into the person I am today. My sister has really stepped in and been a mother figure to me, but also a best friend. She encourages me to be a better version of myself. My brother has been my best friend since day well whatever 2 years is. He and I have an unbreakable bond. I know that he always will have my back no matter what. When nobody wanted to be my friend and I was bullied he was right by my side including me in all his plans. He didn't mind his uncool older sister hanging out with him. He truly saved my life, he cared about my dark issues, and he made me feel loved when I felt ugly and worthless. He will never know what that meant to me and still does. Finally, my older brother and I shared a love of rock and he made me a tape with his band because he knew I wanted to be in a band, but again uncool and nobody wanted to be in a band with me. He fulfilled a dream I was never able to accomplish and brought me immeasurable joy. All of these individuals have come to visit me nearly every year I've been gone from Chicago (7 years now) and have always put an effort into me.

I've realized you need to put effort into people who put effort into you. I'm starting to shake my life of the toxic people and live a life I want to live. I'm learning that it is okay to talk about problems when you need to. I am just so grateful to be alive, in overall good health considering my chronic stuff and disability, and for what I do have. We so often focus on the negative that we almost forget the positives in our lives. We forget the good memories, the better days, and what we still do have. I suppose this was prompted from my experience of grief this time around. I didn't have Shaymin for long, but I did have. He brought me so much joy. He made me a hog mom. He connected me with a community of people who are just as "weird" as my dad would say as me. He fulfilled a small dream and added a positive part of my heart. I wouldn't be the same person without him, my mom, my dad, my husband, my siblings, my other pets, my friends, or any of the other amazing people I've had the opportunity to meet through my career, life, and experiences. Hug your loved ones, be kind, provide empathy, and remember tomorrow is not promised. Appreciate what you have today, because you may not have it tomorrow <3 .="" nbsp="" p="">

Missing Mom

I'm missing you Mom.
The way your hair always seemed perfect.
How you always had the best advice.
The thoughtfulness and kindness you instilled in your everyday life.
I'm missing you Mom.
All the late nights I spend up crying wishing I could call you.
The pain and agony I experience in every memorable moment.
Knowing that you will never be a part of it.
I'm missing you Mom.
Wishing that you could still be a part of my life.
And see all I've done getting married, graduating, and building a home.
Now you are gone and I just feel so alone.
I'm missing you Mom.
Now and forever.
Things will never be the same without you.
And when I miss you I feel so blue.

I find that major life events, whether they are mine or my families, send me spiraling into the dark feelings I try so hard to suppress in my daily life. Faking a smile has come so second nature to me that I can be smiling, but feel like I've hit rock bottom all in one sitting. The word family has really began to strike my heart. When I speak the word, hear it, think about it I'm reminded that my family is forever changed due to the tremendous losses we've experienced. What once was is no longer. The dynamics have shifted. My life has shifted. I know that as we grow older we drift a bit from family, but I never thought that I would be at a place so young were family would be gone.

I've been dreaming of my Mother nearly every night since my Septoplasty surgery. She comes to me in a variety of ways. When she visits she's alive and it's as if she actually is. My mind almost convinces me that she has not passed. The dream feels so real, like she is there. Then my mind begins to process and changes the dream. I dream of her dying. Sometime it's the same way I saw her pass and other times it happens in a different way. Either way it's like my mind is trying to remind me that she isn't here, never will be, and I will never actually see her again, only in my dreams. My overly logical brain even has to remind me she is gone and take her from me.

It's hard to tell people how I feel, because most will just relate it back to their lived experiences. However, I lost my Mom at 22. That in itself is an unique experience. There are some that lost their mothers younger than me. Others that were at my age, but the majority of people I've talked to lost their parents a lot older. When they had been married or had kids. My Mother never and will never have an opportunity to see that side of my life. In a way I want to shout at them and say "you don't know how I feel. Your experience is not mine." There are times I want to tell them they should just be grateful that they had their parent for the time they did and their parent saw things that mine will never see. The communicator in me bites my tongue. "Don't be so insensitive" I tell myself as I let the rage inside me boil. So I suppress and smile until I end up in complete darkness. An eclipse inside of my mind. A dark period that struggles to let in daylight.

I know I was lucky to have the Mother that I did. I've never met a woman so supportive, kind, caring, and selfless as my Mother. Seeing other people's experiences and realizing what I had makes me feel lucky. However, because I know how incredibly my Mother I'm constantly effected by that loss. I teach the way I do, behave the way I do, try to be thoughtful the way that I am to show the world the incredible person my Mom was. By knowing me I hope that people can see her. I know that she lives in me. I miss you Mom. I love you.

Those who need it most are often left ignored

As someone who is constantly working toward understanding others, making sense of lived experiences, and getting a sense of peoples stories I have become exceptionally observant over time. I look for patterns in the most mundane of experiences, because they are there, and they speak volumes. Perhaps the most interesting and terrifying patterns I've observed is the reaction many have to those who are suffering from a mental illness or even a terminal disease. People begin to slowly disconnect themselves from those individuals. A person who once got "liked" on social media, or called on a regular basis suddenly becomes a ghost. And in my experience and observations, those who become these "ghosts" and are now ignored for their pain (whether that be physical or emotional) are often the ones who need the attention and comfort the most. Yet we stray away.

I have come to understand why this happens with terminal illness. When someone is terminally ill, many people begin to grieve before the loss. They are mentally preparing themselves for what is to come. Additionally, hope begins to transition to something else. This leaves the person on the other end of a normal conversation left with nothing to say. I also feel that sometimes, witnessing death, makes us actualize our own mortality. Mortality is often not thought about, because lets face it, many of us fear death. However, in these last moments, the last memories, should we not try to make them special for the person dying? There are moments I recall my mother and my last memories together. Sometimes, I have trouble recalling them because I was working 2 jobs and going to graduate school. I was "too busy" to see what was right in front of me. My own mothers mortality. I remember that my mom began to give me a lot of advice in those last few weeks. To this day, I still cherish that advice. However, I pause and begin to wonder what advice I gave her? What conversations did I have to comfort her? It is hard to recall any. The one thing I do recall was that she was strong for us. She was more concerned with how we would survive after this loss. "What will the kids do?" "You have to make sure my kids are okay". It baffles me that someone who is in the last moments of their life cares not about themselves, but those "surviving". What could I have said to her though? I think about this often. How can I learn from my own experience and help those in their last moments together. I think most people feel some degree of guilt regardless of the situation, but when you have that opportunity to say goodbye, how can we? My mom was scared, she did need us. I witnessed so many ignorant people staring at her in a wheel chair. There were days I wanted to yell at those people.

Which brings me to my next point, more wanting to scream and yell. Mental illness is viewed so negatively in society. Reading comments or just seeing reactions of people following the death of someone who did so much for me emotionally over the years is just revolting. It makes me lose faith in people. I have said it once, and I'll say it a million more times. People who commit suicide are NOT cowards. Imagine, for a moment, that you had to take your own life, would it be easy? That is not an easy way out. Often, those who take their life, have dealt with years of emotional pain. The pain becomes so difficult that it consumes that person. Much like illness, people begin to avoid you if you have a mental illness or depressed. However, it is not because it forces us to face our mortality. If we are not depressed, or have not experienced similar pain, we just assume that mental illness can be "fixed". It becomes something that is not an illness at all, but rather self inflicted pain. Each person experiences pain differently. If you are happy, or even in your worst moment couldn't imagine taking your life, don't assume that everyone should feel the same as you. I am an open person about depression, because so few people are. I can guarantee few people will react to this blog just as few people react to posts I make about depression. We always like the "happy" (literally on social media and in our lives). We always want to talk about the "good moments of life". However, those happy moments are often overshadowed by the bad. We've been trained to almost push away any of the bad, but that is not realistic. The biggest issues with humanity today is the lack of empathy for others, selfishness, cruelty, and ignorance. So many people are entitled, thinking that they "know everything" when really, they know nothing. Their beliefs overpower their ability to think critically and as a result they attack. They belittle to get their point across. They call names to feel superior. It has become increasingly more difficult to have a civil conversation with people about many topics these days. I have said this once, I will say it hundreds of times.

Think about it for a moment, when was the last time you had a bad day? How many people did you feel comfortable talking about that bad day? If you did talk about that bad day, how many people offered advice on how you can "fix" that bad day? How many people just allowed you to explore your feelings? How many people told you I just want to be here to listen to you? How many people took more then a few moments to just hear you out? Who told you, I'm sorry that sucks and then just ignored you? In my opinion, we need to encourage people to share their emotions. We need to train people to provide empathetic responses. Instead of just saying "we care" we should actually enact it and show it. I've spent hours in my office just listening to anyone who needs to be listened to. Since the death of Chester, I have went online and offered a listening to shoulder, for anyone who feels they are alone or misunderstood about this loss. For years, I volunteered for a help desk and online forums to help those dealing with eating disorders, abuse, and self-harm. Why? Where most people would not want to deal with that, or have "better things to do" I thought about how alone those individuals most feel. I felt their pain. I wanted more then anything to try my best to alleviate their pain, even if only for a moment. I wanted to show them a basic premise, something so many of us forget to enact, kindness.

I encourage each of you to stop just paying attention to the "good stuff". Stop filtering out the bad. Take a moment in your day, if someone posts something sad, to say something kind. You never know how one simple comment can change someones day for the better. You don't know what 30 minutes to an hour of your time just listening to someone can do for their mental health. There is someone I helped for years I lost, and I think what I could have done more to help them. I mentored them online on the helpdesk. I was personally thanked by a family member of theirs for all my help and how I changed her life. I now recognize that sometimes we lose the battle with our mental illness, regardless of the help we receive. We are all busy, we all have our own struggles, but there are people out there who really need someone. Don't ignore the signs. Don't assume someone's pain can just be fixed. Educate yourself and think about your words and what they can do to someone.

Coping with Loss

DISCLAIMER TRIGGER WARNING: This blog contains information about depression and suicide that may trigger those with mental health conditions. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255.

I am writing this blog as to not burden all those on my Facebook page with my ramblings. This blog also contains sensitive information that I rarely like to discuss so please if you will pass judgement on me based on what I have to say discontinue reading. It's difficult to see any optimism when life seems to beat you down so much. When so much of what you love and cherish is ripped from you in a moments notice. I am aware we all deal with a significant loss in our lives at some point, but no loss is the same. Any moment I mention my pain it always seems redirected, and I am left feeling forgotten. My pain almost doesn't seem tangible. I have always been the one to comfort. When I comfort I feel good, but I also desire to be comforted.

If anyone knows me they know I've been a fan of Linkin Park for nearly 20 years. There was only 10 years of my life without Linkin Park in it. They helped me through times when I didn't think I'd make it through life, when I was bullied, called fat, whale, pushed into lockers, brought into chat rooms to be harassed. There were days starting in middle school I didn't want to go. I stopped wearing my favorite color, purple, for years because someone asked me if I was wearing purple because I was round like a grape. I became self destructive at an early age. I suffered from an mental disorder (I do not wish to share about because I am ashamed) that dealt with self image for all of high school and undergrad. I engaged in other self destructive behavior. I was crying for help and nobody answered. Nobody understood. Everyone thought my life was perfect and I didn't have a right to feel the pain that I felt. My only saving grace during that stage of my life was Linkin Park. I could feel the emotion in their music, I felt like they were the only ones in the world to understand my pain. On days I felt like I was living in complete hell I would scream the lyrics to crawling at the top of my lungs. It made me feel free. It made me feel less numb.

On top of being bullied I dated abusive men, because I was convinced I had no self worth. That I was an idiot, ugly, undesirable, disgusting, etc. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted someone to tell me I was worth something, but as my boyfriends said,  I was just as worthless as I thought and I began to believe that. I constantly tried to be better to prove that I wasn't worthless. To prove that I could do great things. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried it was never enough. It got to the point where I expected to be cheated on because of how horrible I was. I remember finding out that one of my boyfriends cheated on me and he was staying at my house. He said he'd leave, but I said it was late and he could stay. I went to the family room with my headphones, blasted Linkin Park, and cried all night. My body, my mind, everything was in physical pain. That night I wrote and listened to Linkin Park to get me through. I listened, I wrote, so that I would not be self destructive.

People think if you self harm, have an eating disorder, are depressed, or have another mental condition that you did it yourself. I can't tell you how many people told me that I was the source of my problem. That I should just be "happy" and that I was "lucky" to have the life I had. Reading some of the comments upon the death of Chester Bennington I see the same sort of dismissive behavior "He had it all", "If he died then I'm screwed", "Coward", "Selfish". There are a lot of great supportive comments, but it's those dismissive comments that are the problem and why so many silence themselves when they are feeling so low. The "it could always be worse" guilt trip. The "your life isn't half bad". Or perhaps one of the worst is the "Well this happened to me, and I have it worse" comments. No two people cope with or deal with pain the same way. I volunteered hundreds of hours to a free help site in high school and college. I mentored young men and women struggling with sexual abuse, physical abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. I can tell you from talking to all those individuals not a single one of them had the same experience. Yes, there were patterns, but many dealt with it in some unique way. To try and compare your experience to everyone else's is so flawed beyond belief. I can't tell you how many times I've said my mom or brother died and someone went right into their own experience. I was 22 when I lost my mom. You were 45. Yes the pain is still bad, but there is no way our experience is the same with that big of an age gap. Even if there wasn't a huge age gap, the experience was still unique. I understand trying to relate, but maybe if we just listened instead of trying to relate it would make more of a difference. It's what I try to do if someone comes to me. Just listen. Because so many of us fail to do so.

Everyday is a new day for me with my own experiences of depression. As a professional, I don't feel like I can talk about half the stuff I would hope to share in fear of being judged. I also view it as my responsibility to educate people about these issues that are so often not talked about. I often find myself torn between wanting to share my emotions, feelings, and experiences so that others feel less alone. However, I also silence myself and don't share a lot in fear of judgement. It's a painful dichotomy to be trapped in. So I find most days I fake a smile. I overextend and work myself to forget that I'm even really living. I figure if I am too busy to think, then I won't feel depression.

Chester's passing has triggered a pain I have pushed down further and further since my brother died. Just like my brothers death triggered a pain I pushed down with the loss of my mom. I push these feelings so far that I have periods where I'm not sure how to function. This band, the band that got me, the band that helped me through so much pain..... will never be the same if they even continue to make music. I am not this fanatical usually, but this is different. As I write this I listen to them and I am pained to know that the one group that made it better for me is dealing with this loss. Depression is no joke. Pain is no joke. So many people turn away in fear and are not sure how to respond to someone who is depressed. This is why we need more programs, more education, and more research on suicide. So that we can be better equipped to help people. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. 44,193 people die of suicide each year (2016). There is an average of 121 people who will die each day to suicide. And yet, suicide and depression is one of the few things I hear about. We rarely talk about it as an issue. Recently, more celebrities have been trying to spread awareness, but it is about more then that. It is about creating an open space where people can talk. Where people won't feel judged. Where people aren't concerned that saying "I'm depressed" or "feeling suicidal" will ruin their careers, personal relationships, and reputation. I certainly fear these issues just by writing this very vulnerable blog. However, if I can help someone in writing I will continue to.

To give you an idea of how my brain and emotions work while listening to a Linkin Park Song, I'm going to show you those feelings as I listen. One more light became my favorite song just before Chester took his life. Those feelings

Should have stayed, were the signs, I ignored.
What could I have done for those I've lost to suicide? I lost a girl I mentored for years online and I blamed myself to this day. If I would have said the right thing, maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have saved her. What about my brother? I had to have known there were signs. Why could I not do more?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore
I think of this every time I have had someone come to me with a problem or just to cry. I want to take away their pain if I can. I want to help them. When my mom died she was in a great deal of pain and I remember being in the room wishing that I could take her pain. The worst feeling in the world is to know someone is in emotional or physical pain and you can't do anything. Or you think you could have done more. 
We saw brilliance when the world was asleep
The world is full of such cruelty, judgement, and hateful people. Sometimes the best times in life are when you are just with those who you feel the closest to, who can't hurt you. 
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
The love, the relationships of those that have passed. We sometimes can't keep that love, but we can have it at some point. I will never meet anyone like my mom. People don't understand that love of a mother is gone for me. I will never have her back. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
There are millions of people in the world, so what does it matter if one person dies? I care when I hear about any death, those that touch me and those that don't. Those people all had something or effected someone in some way and now they are gone. 
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
This lyric really influenced me. It made me realize just how fragile we are. So many people just forget when someone dies. Or they think that you need to "get over" or "move on" from that death. You never move on when a loved one passes away, you learn to live with the pain. That doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't take away your pain. It kills me that my husband, if I have kids: my kids, and so many others that have come into my life will NEVER meet my mother. They will know her stories, but never her. We are more then a moment to be forgotten. We are a legacy to leave on. 
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do
I care too much as a hyper empath. 

The reminders pull the floor from your feet
When I am reminded of my mom or my brother I feel as though I'm literally falling down an endless pit. These lyric touches me so much. My mom's birthday is 07/28 her death anniversary is 04/04. Same goes for the anniversaries/birthday for my brother. I do not want to do anything on those days, but cry and allow myself to feel the pain. They remind me of happy days, but also the most painful days of my life. July 20th will go down as one of the most painful days for me. Because now when I listen to Linkin Park all I can think about his death. The group that changed my life, was with me, understood me, is gone :(
In the kitchen one more chair than you need
There will always be 2 places gone; one for my mom and one for my brother. Christmas will never be the same. Holidays in general suck. Things change so much and you are expected to just carry on and deal with it. I'm tired of dealing with it.
Ohhhhhh and you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
This lyric.... changed.... me. This changed me before hearing the news of Chester, but now it means even more. I can't tell you how unfair I've felt that I lost my mom, my brother, and dealt with the pain of bullying and abuse. I always tried to be a good person. I have always wanted to help people and do things for people. Knowing that I had to deal with so much loss so early on and deal with bullying and pain just makes me feel angry and like I've been dealt a bad hand. But we have a right to feel that way. Few people will say "you deserve to feel that way" or "you should feel that way" or "it's okay to feel that way, you have a right to". It is so important to acknowledge and legitimize peoples feelings. 
Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
My mom suffered from depression too, but you could see what ailed her. She had cancer and was very apparently sick. People seem to assume that if you don't look sick or you seem fine, that you are. Mental illness is invisible. You can't see when someone is in pain. I feel that there are some that have depression that are able to hide it amazingly because they've learned how to over the years. Even those with disabilities you can't always see. For instance, I'm hearing impaired and many people don't know that because my hearing aids are small and for years I didn't wear hearing aids. That is why depression and mental illness are so lethal, it's because we often don't see it and so out of sight out of mind. Look for the warning signs. 

If they say, who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars
It flickers flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are
Or quicker quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out
Well I do

I'm going to end this blog by saying that I can't thank Linkin Park enough for how they have personally touched my life. I am completely at a loss and heartbroken over this and I don't know that I will ever really be able to cope with this loss, just as I never will cope with the loss of my mom or brother. I will learn, as I always do, how to manage the pain enough to get me by and hopefully use this experience as a means of helping others. Please know that you don't have to suffer alone if you are reading this and need someone to talk to I will always be a listening ear.

Letting go. The hardest, but most rewarding thing to do.

For those that know me, they know that pain and grief aren't unfamiliar to me. In fact, in the last I'd say 10 years I've dealt with and tried to manage some of the worst experiences of my life. What I've learned as a result of suffering from tremendous grief and loss, is that people always feel theirs is worse. This is understandable, considering their own experiences are closest to them. Unfortunately, people are inherently selfish, and even I can be at times. Losing people I love is the worst pain I've experienced; however, the aftermath of loss is comparable. I've had people say unbelievable things to me that I never fathomed were possible. I had not experienced something so uncomfortable to talk about, nor had I encountered such evil in the world. For instance, I've had people say that I need to get over the losses I've had, deal with it, ask if I was close to the deceased, attack me for decisions I've made in my life, wish bad things upon me, and not be mindful before speaking. Regardless of how much you dislike someone, or don't care about someone these sorts of things are unacceptable. I would never wish harm upon someone. I try with my greatest will to not say insensitive statements to those in pain. If I don't know what to say, which happens, I don't say anything at all. It's not worth causing the other person unnecessary pain. I've been reading more and more from Buddhism to help me make sense of these difficult experiences. In doing so, I've learned that those who hold a grudge or ruminate on those painful words are the ones who truly lose. This is--in part--because the person who said the hurtful messages are most likely not still thinking about it, especially those that are self-centered. Thus, the quote demonstrates perfectly what occurs when you hold a grudge for an extensive period of time, you are hooked. You smile less, and become miserable over words.

I don't think that people realize grief doesn't end after a year. Not unless they've

personally experienced grief. Grief is an ongoing process through which you try to pull yourself back up. Sometimes this process is daily, sometimes it's weekly, or some that manage grief better only need a monthly pick me up. For me, when my mom died, this was a daily process. When people say "time heals pain/wounds" what they really mean is that you learn how to manage the pain a bit better. The pain doesn't heal and does not go away. It leaves a permanent scar. In special moments, when you wish the person could be present for you it reopens the wound a bit. When I was grieving I isolated myself quite a bit. 4 years after my moms death I finally began to get myself some help to deal with the grief, which I felt would cause me to be ridden with stigma. However, people were very supportive. The counselor I was seeing told me that I was allowed to have my feelings and express them. In addition, he said that the most important thing that you can do for yourself is to cut out the negative energy and people in your life. Regardless of a grudge someone holds or a disliking toward you, there is no reason to wish bad upon them or attempt to manipulate them in a negative way. I felt selfish at the thought of even doing this, but I learned that your own individual happiness should always be a priority. If you aren't happy, then you aren't really living. And as Morrie said in Tuesdays with Morrie, you only learn to live when you learn to die. I had many loved ones pass away in my life, but the last two losses I experienced were very close to me. I thought about the quote from Morrie and realized that if these losses taught me anything it is to live. To do what makes me happy and expel negative energy from my life. As I've learned to do this, and not guilt trip myself for what I classified as being "selfish" I've been much happier. Things still get to me, but I'm learning to better manage them.

Another important lesson I've learned about people is that many say insensitive things or attack  you because they are miserable themselves. The quote seems to reign true that "misery loves company". It's sad that people would want pain for you, because they feel it. In addition, some people just don't understand how to provide comfort, and in doing so say things they don't realize are hurtful. As someone who cares deeply about providing comfort, I feel it's so important we learn the right things to say and figure out what someone needs. If someone is unable to be helped, or you don't know what to say either seek out help for them, or let them be. Chances are, by not saying something you have less of a chance of hurting them tremendously. We tend to remember the negative messages that people share with us, because it's easy to ruminate on the negative, rather then the positive.

Finally, what I've learned as a result of my research, my experiences, and my overall life journey

is that there will be positive and negative experiences in life. The best that you can do is embrace the positive and try to be mindful of the negative. Rather then lashing out at someone talk to them. Try to understand their perspective, and get out of your own head. If someone is negative toward you do what you need to remain happy. I know this is cliche, but we really only live one life. Life is so short to hang onto negative energy. The world needs more kindness and less hate. If that hasn't been evident, I don't know what will make people see that. Sometimes, people don't want your advice, they just want you to listen. My husband and my brother Nick have just listened to me recently, and the listening and not saying much was so much helpful then what many people try to say to me. Just being present, listening, not being self-centered, and caring is what true kindness is. I love what I do in my life, because I am present and listen. I want to help people. I want to make their lives better. And I wish nothing but goodness upon them. With a world ridden with loss, disease, pain, grief, mental illness, and disabilities we need all the kindness and goodness that we can get. Spread love, not hate. Enact kindness, not cruelty. Be mindful, not thoughtless.

It's been a while since I blogged, but I just felt a compelling urge to write. To express my feelings to a computer screen. I hope that you enjoyed my blog, and that this helped bring some joy, thought, or inspiration to you today. Know that I will be a listening ear should you need one, and that I'm thinking happy vibes for you.

A Thank You to my Readers

For those who have followed and read my blogs throughout the years, I want to send over a warm thank you. Your comments, readership, and companionship has both inspired me and helped me during times when I needed it most. For those who never commented, but read I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read my blogs. I realize in the many years I've blogged I have not yet reached out to my readers and said thanks.

I realize the last few years I have not been posting as much on my blog. However, I want to change that. My blog is my sanctuary. Written word is an art and craft that I have been blessed with. In life, sometimes we can become lost. Not sure of our true purpose or potential. I have suffered from a tremendous amount of loss at a young age, losing my mother and my older brother. However, I still managed to accomplish more than I give myself credit for.

I'm sure many can relate, but often we are our own worst enemies. We consistently put ourselves down, saying that we "aren't capable". I've done this throughout my life, even before all of the trauma suffered. However, I'm finding that I must give myself credit where credit is due. I am *fingers crossed* approaching the end of my dissertation. I have secured a position that I am in love with in a town that I have grown to love. I have a husband who loves me with all of his heart. I fulfilled a dream by getting a hedgehog. He's pictured below. Many good things have happened for me, but I have been blinded by own darkness.

My goal is to live healthier, happier, and more simple. In addition to some lifestyle changes I will be going through I am also hoping, once the dissertation is complete, that I am able to write my own book. Of course, I'll let each of you know if, scratch that WHEN, it happens. This blog was really meant to just reach out to each of you, and let you know I am thinking of you. When all seems hopelessly optimistic I want you to know you can comment on here and talk to me. I'm only a comment away. Thanks again and looking forward to posting more in the future. 

xoxo

Lexy

To those who still read, I could use your help.

Hello! As many of you know, I am a doctoral student in the Department of Communication Studies at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. My research centers on health communication processes, and I am conducting research that I hope will improve our understanding of supportive communication between social networks and family caregivers of patients with cancer. As someone who has provided care to a patient with cancer, I am interested in
conducting research that is aimed at better understanding the memorable, supportive messages that are shared with family caregivers in cancer.

To participate: Participants in the states of Nebraska and Alabama must be at least 19 years old or older to participate, participants in the state of Mississippi must be at least 21 years old to participate, and participants in all other states must be at least 18 years old to participate. If you meet these requirements, and are a current or former family caregiver of a patient with cancer, and have 20-30 minutes to complete an online survey, you can participate in the study by clicking on this link: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/request-assistance-cancer-caregiving-research-alexis-johnson?trk=prof-post